Yelling at Someone then saying Sorry

[Lynn]

Hello

I have to wonder in the first place what yelling at someone does accomplish this is in context to the work place I speak. Lately there has been a lot of yelling and even cussing at all levels where I am working. Then comes the "I am sorry for yelling" the hollow place of saying OK I was wrong. You vent it out and you feel better, but what about the person that got the brunt of it all that "I am sorry" is meaningless as the hurt has happened.

Why do we have that need to use " I am sorry" as an excuse to excuse our behavior that never should happen in the first place.

I have over 20 years management experience and yes I had moments of extreme frustrations but NEVER did I ever yell at a fellow worker, I would step away and take three breaths re group and re approach. Is it that hard to honestly do ?

How does it feel to be yelled at and then have that "I am sorry" come at you ?

Lynn

[wolfgaze]

How does it feel to be yelled at and then have that "I am sorry" come at you ?


I think it helps because it shows that the person recognizes that his/her behavior was out-of-line (or uncalled for) - and at least to some degree regrets having acted in that manner... Whereas if the person never apologizes or addresses how he/she acted, you are more likely to feel that the person is still harboring that angry mindset or feels it was acceptable/justified - this can be a source of ongoing tension... I'd feel more comfortable interacting with someone who demonstrates an awareness of the nature of his/her behavior (in this context) as opposed to someone who does not openly acknowledge it...

Just my opinion....

[Tobi]

....Because they lack the ability to control their outbursts, and just stop and think for that split-second while their emotions are welling up. It's a question of not being able to see two steps ahead, also not being able to hold firmly to a better way of doing things.
That's when the "sorry" is truly heart-felt and meant. I honestly know because I have been down the whole trail in the past and know what it feels like. When something like that comes rushing up it is such a force, it feels like being pushed by a red-hot truck. The knack of course is to work to stop that happening, which you can do, Lynn, but they are at the stage when they are unaware or finding it very hard. Or are still emotionally involved in the 'lust' for those feelings.

I worked on mine, and made much progress. That doesn't mean I can't be a bit grumpy sometimes! LOL But outbursts like you mention are a thing of the past thanks to my focusing on being a better person.

But sometimes the "sorry" is what's known as lip-service, and only said for emotionally cosmetic reasons. Those are the sorts of "sorrys" I personally dislike.

It is a good thing if people can try to learn to not hurt others in this way, and to grasp the reins of their negative emotions and take control.
But first they have got to want to.
There is nothing like being aware one has to be kind to another, and make a promise to be, to change one's ways.

[Gem]

Hello

I have to wonder in the first place what yelling at someone does accomplish this is in context to the work place I speak. Lately there has been a lot of yelling and even cussing at all levels where I am working. Then comes the "I am sorry for yelling" the hollow place of saying OK I was wrong. You vent it out and you feel better, but what about the person that got the brunt of it all that "I am sorry" is meaningless as the hurt has happened.

Why do we have that need to use " I am sorry" as an excuse to excuse our behavior that never should happen in the first place.

I have over 20 years management experience and yes I had moments of extreme frustrations but NEVER did I ever yell at a fellow worker, I would step away and take three breaths re group and re approach. Is it that hard to honestly do ?

How does it feel to be yelled at and then have that "I am sorry" come at you ?

Lynn
We can't expect people to be perfect, and if they are really regret their action, it is usually in recognising that they themselves behaved irrationally hurtfully, so I tend to tell them it's all OK with me, and I remember having done worse in the past myself. At least they recognise their own fault and are not blaming the other. I understand things aren't the way they 'should' be, and people have pasts that I don't know about, so I tend not to take things overly personally, and understand the scope of how things can go wrong.

[naturesflow]

Hello

I have to wonder in the first place what yelling at someone does accomplish this is in context to the work place I speak. Lately there has been a lot of yelling and even cussing at all levels where I am working. Then comes the "I am sorry for yelling" the hollow place of saying OK I was wrong. You vent it out and you feel better, but what about the person that got the brunt of it all that "I am sorry" is meaningless as the hurt has happened.

Why do we have that need to use " I am sorry" as an excuse to excuse our behavior that never should happen in the first place.

I have over 20 years management experience and yes I had moments of extreme frustrations but NEVER did I ever yell at a fellow worker, I would step away and take three breaths re group and re approach. Is it that hard to honestly do ?

How does it feel to be yelled at and then have that "I am sorry" come at you ?

Lynn

I am not perfect and I don't expect others to be. I don't always learn first go. And even as I might learn to change faster or in ways that work for me, it doesn't mean others have to be like me and know how to manage their behaviours in this way just because I might know. We are all unique in how we open to learn to grow. I see myself as responsible for how I feel even in the face of others reactions. It is just another level of letting go and whatever action required to help prevent myself being on the receiving end the next time.

Mistakes and reconciliation is how we grow to let go more fully and learn new ways of being, even in the face of others mistakes.

And all that starts within. Whether your on the receiving of another or being the one dishing it out.

[RedEmbers]

Yes people do make mistakes and it can have a harmonising effect making a simple apology.
HOWEVER LOL
I worked with someone who often needlessly yelled at co-workers who didn't do things exactly as he thought they ought be done (alot of the things I do in my work don't have a "right or wrong way"... there are many ways which a task can be tackled).

Anyway... rather than a straightforward apology we would get a "sorry, but".
The "but" was usually a sorry but you were in the wrong and I wasn't or a Sorry, I have so much going on in my life right now... the blame was always passed on.

A plain sorry with would have eased the situation better. Also... when someone repeatedly says sorry but continues to treat others in the same way it can really start to wear morale down.

[Gem]

"Yes people do make mistakes and it can have a harmonising effect making a simple apology.
HOWEVER LOL
I worked with someone who often needlessly yelled at co-workers who didn't do things exactly as he thought they ought be done (alot of the things I do in my work don't have a "right or wrong way"... there are many ways which a task can be tackled).

Anyway... rather than a straightforward apology we would get a "sorry, but".
The "but" was usually a sorry but you were in the wrong and I wasn't or a Sorry, I have so much going on in my life right now... the blame was always passed on.

A plain sorry with would have eased the situation better. Also... when someone repeatedly says sorry but continues to treat others in the same way it can really start to wear morale down.

We usually find that outbursts do come from 'a lot things going on my life', and when a person explains that it is a call for understanding, and knowing, that we can become frayed when we have a lot going on, and more particularly, when everything is going wrong. This is actually understandable.

"But you" on the other hand is much more likely to be a justification by blame strategy designed to make the person being apologised to share the burden of guilt. Ultimately, there is never a justification, but I find in almost all cases there are understandable mitigating circumstances.

We find in conversations such as in this thread that it's as though we ourselves have never yelled at anyone, or otherwise been discourteous and hurtful in our own way, but in my case, it brings up memories of whenI have been 'out of line', and I think it's likely that I'll find cause to apologise again in the future for one reason or another.

[RedEmbers]

I agree with your points Gem.

When I am tired I can be quite impatient with those close to me. This whole experience has actually made me rethink the way in which I myself apologise.
I am less inclined to add justifications to my apologies now and more likely to just say that I am sorry and that I acknowledge that I made a mistake.

I think though in the case I was speaking of though there was an ungoing underlying issue...when one continuously uses "sorry but I have alot going on"... on a very regular basis and their outburts are causing strain on many people around them then it hints towards something else.

A life long history of outbursts is a bit troublsome to have to deal with when you are often on the receiving end... especially as the outbursts are usually a symptom of something totally unrelated to the people on the receiving end.
Sorry can become so overused in these instances, some responsibility needs to be taken at some point.

There where of course moments where we did respond with understanding. Perhaps attepmts to reach out with an open ear and gentle encouragment of maybe seeking out some outside support could have helped. I'm not sure.

[Lorelyen]

Hello
...............
Why do we have that need to use " I am sorry" as an excuse to excuse our behavior that never should happen in the first place.
Possibly regret at the spate of bad behaviour. We aren't saints so these bad moments happen. The sociology of the workplace is how it is. At least it signals that whatever caused it is over.....for the time being, and people can get on with their normal working relationship. Without it, the sore might fester.
I have over 20 years management experience and yes I had moments of extreme frustrations but NEVER did I ever yell at a fellow worker, I would step away and take three breaths re group and re approach. Is it that hard to honestly do ?Equanimity is a necessary quality of a manager (to me), as is judging the level of trust in whom you must delegate to. If you're managing in the situation you're describing - people yelling at each other, then perhaps some investigation might be in order to see if differences are personality clashes, etc., and whether work reallocation might help... Just some thoughts.

How does it feel to be yelled at and then have that "I am sorry" come at you ?

Lynn
I'm fairly level-headed when it comes to "work". When employed I got yelled at a few times. It was par for the course. I sometimes yelled back. People didn't often say sorry. What I didn't like was it could be unproductive. People usually "made friends" again afterwards in moments of social relaxation - sometimes not.

On the occasion someone said sorry it signed that whatever caused the impasse was over and we could relax again.

....

[Baile]

People yelling at coworkers is unprofessional and abusive, and in many companies is cause to termination. I would report it and let upper management deal with it. If a person can't do something as basic and simple as be respectful to others in a work place, they don't deserve the employment opportunity. And hollow and constant "I'm sorry" apologies are meaningless, it's the sort of thing you see in dysfunctional relationships that end up going on for years longer than they ever should.

[naturesflow]

People yelling at coworkers is unprofessional and abusive, and in many companies is cause to termination. I would report it and let upper management deal with it. If a person can't do something as basic and simple as be respectful to others in a work place, they don't deserve the employment opportunity. And hollow and constant "I'm sorry" apologies are meaningless, it's the sort of thing you see in dysfunctional relationships that end up going on for years longer than they ever should.


So one strike your out in your eyes?

I agree if it was ongoing, sure you would report something like this in a workplace.

[Interuniversalism]

The problem comes from our expectations from others. Also from the image we have of yourself. We are hurt, shocked and feel bad because we just don't expect it. If we work on yourself and broden our capacity and get free of dependence on others approving us, it will help. We use different kinds of energy. Energy number one is the food we take. Number two is energy we get from others approvals. We must get rid of the need for this second kind of energy. This in turn will brodden our inner capacity and we are not moved by others playing with our needs for this kind of energy. Example, you are talking on phone with someone and he can activate a chain of reactions in you just by a few words. This can even cause physical and body harm. There are spiritual technics to overcome that. I can introduce you to some.

[Baile]

So one strike your out in your eyes?

I agree if it was ongoing, sure you would report something like this in a workplace.Lynn stated it is an ongoing issue. It's quite easy to deal with if people take the appropriate steps. If it happens once, you tell the coworker their behavior is inappropriate, and if it happens again you will report it to upper management. If it is a boss who verbally abuses you, you document it by writing down the circumstances and informing a trustworthy coworker. If it happens again, you report it to someone above your boss in upper management. Many companies now have conflict ombuds people you can speak to directly about such things.

[naturesflow]

Lynn stated it is an ongoing issue. It's quite easy to deal with if people take the appropriate steps. If it happens once, you tell the coworker their behavior is inappropriate, and if it happens again you will report it to upper management. If it is a boss who verbally abuses you, you document it by writing down the circumstances and informing a trustworthy coworker. If it happens again, you report it to someone above your boss in upper management. Many companies now have conflict ombuds people you can speak to directly about such things.

True all dat. No one need suffer for prolonged periods so best to take an appropriate stand when you are ready.

[Baile]

True all dat. No one need suffer for prolonged periods so best to take an appropriate stand when you are ready.^^^ The bottom-line key to healthy holistic life in both work and personal relationships. But "when you are ready" plays its part, definitely. People spend years in abusive situations thinking they're required to put up with it because "that's what marriage is," or because "s/he is just stressed." I used to think that, then one day about 30 years ago I had an epiphany, I woke up as if from a dream in the middle of someone screaming at me. And I began to laugh out loud, the quintessential cosmic comedy. I smiled and walked away, after which that relationship was gone forever from my reality.

As Lynn said, she has never shouted at others. It is a choice, a choice to act childishly and inappropriately towards others. And while I now laugh off such behavior, I never allow it to manifest more than once in my relationships with others.

[naturesflow]

[QUOTE=Baile]^^^ The bottom-line key to healthy holistic life in both work and personal relationships. But "when you are ready" plays its part, definitely. People spend years in abusive situations thinking they're required to put up with it because "that's what marriage is," or because "s/he is just stressed." I used to think that, then one day about 30 years ago I had an epiphany, I woke up as if from a dream in the middle of someone screaming at me. And I began to laugh out loud, the quintessential cosmic comedy. I smiled and walked away, after which that relationship was gone forever from my reality.

Lucky for you. Glad it finally stirred the pot so you dived out of that brew... There are extremes and less extreme situations, so naturally discerning the appropriate action just right for you can be your blessing in disguise.

As Lynn said, she has never shouted at others. It is a choice, a choice to act childishly and inappropriately towards others. And while I now laugh at such behavior, I never allow it to manifest more than once in my relationships with others.


I have shouted at others and been shouted at, it teaches you a lot about yourself and others. In my shouting days it was more about my own frustrations and in reflection it as probably my own fears, expectations and judgment, so once I let all that go and started modelling how I wished to be and how I wanted others to treat me, things started to look up. Be THE Change you wish to see, it seems to work...I don't laugh at such behaviour, more try to listen deeper and look at what I might do best to support this in others. Again as I keep repeating on this forum, lots of ways to deal with stuff, not just one way, so listening serves me look at lots of ways to deal. And of course if I can take something for myself in these situations I most always do.

Fear doesn't always shout you know, it can be silent and subtle, just when someone shouts we tend to take more notice. Fact is people grow up in families dealing with this as normal behaviour and so anyone a little aware of themselves to say sorry, might take a long time to build deeper awareness of themselves to end this completely.

Boundaries are a nice restraint but ultimately binding the mouth that needs too offload when something obviously is not right, means their is more work than just boundaries alone. Society tends to ship out if people don't shape up but it doesn't often look any deeper than that...

Then you get little time bombs going off in other ways and other places. Sometimes offloading can open the valve verbally that might not get any other chances too, so it can be viewed as simple or complex depending on who is looking into all this of course..

[john1974]

People yelling at coworkers is unprofessional and abusive, and in many companies is cause to termination. I would report it and let upper management deal with it. If a person can't do something as basic and simple as be respectful to others in a work place, they don't deserve the employment opportunity. And hollow and constant "I'm sorry" apologies are meaningless, it's the sort of thing you see in dysfunctional relationships that end up going on for years longer than they ever should.
Baile what if someone has woke up in a cross mood and is angry, and like someone else posted when the rage comes roaring up like a hot truck, how do ya stop this truck in its tracks?

[Baile]

Baile what if someone has woke up in a cross mood and is angry, and like someone else posted when the rage comes roaring up like a hot truck, how do ya stop this truck in its tracks?Great question, the heart of the matter really. You don't try to stop it because it's not your responsibility. It's their bad behavior. Your only task, for your own health and well-being, is to step aside and/or walk away so you don't get run over. A teacher once explained to me what spirituality is: For every step on the external knowledge path, three steps on the inner moral self-development path. Bad behavior in the form of directing uncontrolled anger at others, is a moral development shortcoming of the soul. That is their thing, their karmic path and spiritual self-development choice. My karmic responsibility is to my spiritual self-development only.

[Clover]

People yelling at coworkers is unprofessional and abusive, and in many companies is cause to termination. I would report it and let upper management deal with it. If a person can't do something as basic and simple as be respectful to others in a work place, they don't deserve the employment opportunity. And hollow and constant "I'm sorry" apologies are meaningless, it's the sort of thing you see in dysfunctional relationships that end up going on for years longer than they ever should.

This was my first instinct. Most companies have a code of conduct, and a hostile environment usually is grounds for discipline (not termination) however, I almost feel reporting some incidents creates more problems in the work place. Human resources exist too partially to protect the company and make sure there are no legal liabilities, if the person crying fowl is constantly reporting problems and is not getting along with the dynamic of the groups, especially management, usually they are the first to be let go from the work place, especially if they are new to a company. Most places have the 90 days probation period. Management does have a lot of power in that aspect, they built the seniority and reputation to be where they are. So in Lynn's case, is taking the ugly " I am sorry" better than creating more problems? I would have to say, yes. I don't know how the work place is in other countries, but the US workplace can be rather rigid and inflexible

Communication is key in the workplace, perhaps, when the time is right Lynn you can have a discussion with this person and explain to them how this incident made you feel.

[Baile]

Management does has a lot of power in that aspect, they built the seniority and reputation to be where they are.Real talk. Yes. That said, it's a truth of life that people who speak up and who expose the dysfunction, are much like the mineshaft canaries of this world. First to be let go because they "don't get along." That's the material reality. But from a spiritual karmic reality, were simply there to plant a seed and then move on.

[lemex]

Lynn stated it is an ongoing issue. It's quite easy to deal with if people take the appropriate steps. If it happens once, you tell the coworker their behavior is inappropriate, and if it happens again you will report it to upper management. If it is a boss who verbally abuses you, you document it by writing down the circumstances and informing a trustworthy coworker. If it happens again, you report it to someone above your boss in upper management. Many companies now have conflict ombuds people you can speak to directly about such things.

I worked in a situation where supervisor and management weren't that perfect. There may be more going on then understood. You know, the problem may be at work itself, a perception, real or not. I will say this about workers and the issue of some types of anger/frustration. A lot of salary workers may be in a situation they don't know all there rights and have no answers at certain times. So of course negativity leads to negativity. Worked in management worked as a worker, so am aware neither is perfect.

[lemex]

Hello

I have to wonder in the first place what yelling at someone does accomplish this is in context to the work place I speak. Lately there has been a lot of yelling and even cussing at all levels where I am working. Then comes the "I am sorry for yelling" the hollow place of saying OK I was wrong. You vent it out and you feel better, but what about the person that got the brunt of it all that "I am sorry" is meaningless as the hurt has happened.



Wow, I know when I say I'm sorry I never thought it was that for me. :icon_frown: Might this be anger to.

[Thunder Bow]

Hello

I have to wonder in the first place what yelling at someone does accomplish this is in context to the work place I speak. Lately there has been a lot of yelling and even cussing at all levels where I am working. Then comes the "I am sorry for yelling" the hollow place of saying OK I was wrong. You vent it out and you feel better, but what about the person that got the brunt of it all that "I am sorry" is meaningless as the hurt has happened.

Why do we have that need to use " I am sorry" as an excuse to excuse our behavior that never should happen in the first place.

I have over 20 years management experience and yes I had moments of extreme frustrations but NEVER did I ever yell at a fellow worker, I would step away and take three breaths re group and re approach. Is it that hard to honestly do ?

How does it feel to be yelled at and then have that "I am sorry" come at you ?

Lynn

YELLING at co-workers is a form of Bullying. It is used to intimidate and control co-workers, or those working under you. Some years ago I had a supervisor yell at me in front of customers and all. It was all over closing an door on a windy cold day. I stood up to him, but eventually lost the job a year later. It is best to leave such a job situation like that ASAP.

The supervisor or the area manager, or Human Resources never said "Sorry" to me. Your situation may have soured to the point where you may need to seek a better work environment. The yelling and cussing will continue, regardless of the "I Am Sorry".

[Heaven]

Why do we have that need to use " I am sorry" as an excuse to excuse our behavior that never should happen in the first place.

How does it feel to be yelled at and then have that "I am sorry" come at you ?

Lynn


Everyone is different, some people do have anger issues and still that's not an excuse to yell or curse at someone, the I'm sorry really doesn't help at times, but forgiving someone does helps and will help you, if the person stops their bad behavior, otherwise disciplinary actions should be taken. Specially since is at a work place. Keep in mind that person did said sorry, some people won't even say "sorry" and still continue the yelling. But since you are at work, that's something that should be address cause that person might make it a habit and continue yelling and cursing at the workers and that's just not right. Plus it can be very stressful to know that that person is going to snap at you at any moment.

I believe is more of an action speak louder than words - Sorry really doesn't mean anything if that person continues the bad behavior. If that person said sorry and doesn't do it again then that should mean something cause no one is perfect. Is always nice to have a second change.

[Lynn]

Hello

It is in the code of conduct of most companies but it is hard for those at the bottom to find that place of pure justice. Sadly many are at the mercy of the boss they are under.

Being empathic and able to feel the emotions of others freely I know well its hollow and not heart felt. Its to them "venting" but to whom gets it that is not how it feels. There are a lot of expectations at times with work and expectations that you will get it all done. Things like a bad review will send some boss's over the deep end. That at times hits them in the pocket book but if they were able to see clearly whom they were they would see that they did not do the proper training of their staff. I see this where I work.

You walk on eggshells at times and that is no way to work. I have been working with those I am with at work to being in come calm to the floor department.

My kids had a saying at home "Sorry does not cut it" with their Father when he would be abusive and drunk. So they see sorry as a very powerful word maybe we all need to look at it that way.

Lynn

[Gem]

I agree with your points Gem.

When I am tired I can be quite impatient with those close to me. This whole experience has actually made me rethink the way in which I myself apologise.
I am less inclined to add justifications to my apologies now and more likely to just say that I am sorry and that I acknowledge that I made a mistake.

I think though in the case I was speaking of though there was an ungoing underlying issue...when one continuously uses "sorry but I have alot going on"... on a very regular basis and their outburts are causing strain on many people around them then it hints towards something else.

A life long history of outbursts is a bit troublsome to have to deal with when you are often on the receiving end... especially as the outbursts are usually a symptom of something totally unrelated to the people on the receiving end.
Sorry can become so overused in these instances, some responsibility needs to be taken at some point.

There where of course moments where we did respond with understanding. Perhaps attepmts to reach out with an open ear and gentle encouragment of maybe seeking out some outside support could have helped. I'm not sure.
My experience is, an aggressor can be caught up in a pattern where they transgress, and then they do feel tremendous regret, but their behaviour recurs. They don't know how to do things differently, and they hate what they doing. It feels like there is no control or way of changing, and there's a real sense of doom involved. Naturally, the behaviour disrupts their life, they lose their job, their family, for example, and I think this is where the true extent of regret comes into play - where an apology is too late, there's no one there to hear it, and upon finding someone, no one wants hear it and nor do they care if you are regretful or not.

It's also fearful for the transgressive person because they don't actually want to hurt anyone, and never did, but the evidence of the past suggests that they will, so they may avoid close relationships in view of that likelihood. This is a real malady and a great distress that afflicts ill tempered people - and they actually do not deserve any compassion.

In my own case, I have no justification stories at all, so I have to face up to the full brunt of things that I do. My apology of regret doesn't necessarily mean I won't do it again, and there is no such promise attached. I know real change comes from a deeper place than the surface of one's regrets - it's a life change - and even from there one can not be certain they'll 'never do it again'. They have to demonstrate it to themselves, which means putting others at risk, and they are aware of the danger that they themselves present and fear themselves because of it. There is, therefore, never any truth in a promise to change. Change can only be demonstrated, so let's see who can walk the talk before we believe what is said.

[Lorelyen]

So one strike your out in your eyes?

I agree if it was ongoing, sure you would report something like this in a workplace.

I depends a lot on the occupation and organisation. In a bureaucracy where people are following procedures, living out roles, there should be no need to yell at others. A mistake? The supervisor looks at the person deciding whether it was carelessness, or the need for further training; who it otherwise affects and things. Anger might flare if it makes someone's life more difficult further down the line.

In some trades/professions though with tight deadlines and/or people have to think on their feet (the kind of job where you're usually stress-interviewed) tempers can fray and this has to be borne.

In all cases it is unacceptable in the presence of the public or customers.

Like it or not, the workplace is still significantly a social exchange. You can run a bunch of robots - or people. If you accept people as they are, as long as things don't become abusive or illegal you deal with it. You talk to people. One of the uncomfortable things about being boss (and I learn this from both parents though it's also with my former employment experience!) is that you sometimes have to sort differences out between people. Sometimes one loses and the acrimony remains so you have to hope the one leaves. Among the worst things is office affairs that go sour!

One tip, I'm told. If you're hiring someone and they come with a glowing, wonderful reference it can mean the firm their from wants to get rid of them.

[d7reborn]

I believe being sorry is a negative emotion and causes sadness. What's important is love and forgiveness :)

[Belle]

It's really hard to say sorry. But a true sorry, it's about trying not to do it again.