Best Ways to not take on others stuff

[Deepsoul]

Please help as soon as I start to get a bit better ,my hubby gets down everything starts to get him down more ,but if I'm nearly dead its all good, its scary hes not doing anything too bad ,its just the tone in his voice starts changing and it sorta feels like hes cranky at me ,like for undercooking potatoes and or he just sort of seperates from me , Ive had twenty years of this at times so extreme one would not believe ,I know this is quite personal and don't know if I'm allowed to post it ,but I'm thinking you know just stay with my Jesus don't let it worry me ,or just settle down the joy....He can be extremely lovely and loving ,he had a mega childhood ,beaten by both his dad and mum...hes come along way from real bad alcoholism to being at uni and getting high distinctions in acupuncture,,,i don't know it must just be me ,I just love being as lovely as possible ,I realise he has a right to express his feelings but how do I stop them crushing me .

I want to delete this but then I don't

[God-Like]

Hi Deepsoul .

My mum has had a similar pattern of behaviour with her husband and I did with my ex . Basically they are jealous of you in some way . They seem to in degrees want you to suffer because deep down they are suffering .

He doesn't like to see her well or happy especially so when he is down in the dumps stewing over his own issues . Such issues are made worse when he feels bad about how he has been over the years and tries to twist things in order to deflect his behaviour . This deflection then makes things all about you and not him .. That type of deflection stinks to be honest .

It is a cry for help in some respect I would say . These type of characters are normally controlling and they have deep issues normally to do with their opposite sex .

I was going on to say usually there are parent issues and I have just read the part where he had parental abuse so that fits in to my understandings .

My mums fella has come a long way too and for some it's difficult to completely change and overcome their issues in one life time .

It was only this week that he said to my mum, I just had a realization that there is nobody to blame for anything and yet he has blamed his mother for 50 years for all his problems ..

There is a lot more to come out for him so to speak as he hasn't ever said sorry for his behaviour, something that he needs to do and take responsibility for his self and his actions .

These type of relationships are never easy but there can be a lot of growth had, which is more to the point I would say .


x daz x

[sky]

Please help as soon as I start to get a bit better ,my hubby gets down everything starts to get him down more ,but if I'm nearly dead its all good, its scary hes not doing anything too bad ,its just the tone in his voice starts changing and it sorta feels like hes cranky at me ,like for undercooking potatoes and or he just sort of seperates from me , Ive had twenty years of this at times so extreme one would not believe ,I know this is quite personal and don't know if I'm allowed to post it ,but I'm thinking you know just stay with my kJesus don't let it worry me ,or just settle down the joy....He can be extremely lovely and loving ,he had a mega childhood ,beaten by both his dad and mum...hes come along way from real bad alcoholism to being at uni and getting high distinctions in acupuncture,,,i don't know it must just be me ,I just love being as lovely as possible ,I realise he has a right to express his feelings but how do I stop them crushing me .

I want to delete this but then I don't


Deep, people treat you the way you allow them to, stop asking why he does what he does and ask yourself why you allow it.. and tell him to cook his own potatoes :D

[knightofalbion]

We're your friends here, dear Deepsoul. Besides, we know you, but we don't know you, if you see what I mean. You still have anonymity. So it's okay.

And it is a good thing to seek another opinion sometimes.

After a difficult childhood, one would expect emotional 'walls'. Though after twenty years ...

Does he understand how his moods impact on you? Have you broached the matter with him? Not his grumpiness, how it upsets you?
Men can be incredibly thick when it comes to emotions and understanding a woman's needs and feelings....

To offset a row, come in with a positive, express how much you love him; then come in with the details on how his crankiness gets to you.
The chances are he doesn't even realise he is doing it, but highlighting it might make him consider his actions beforehand.

I think that is something we can all relate to really. Things look black and white from 'your' side, but when you seek to see things from the other side, when you're totally honest with yourself, you do understand things a lot more clearly and with greater empathy.

[knightofalbion]

PS: As an afterthought on this, we all suffer the stresses and strains, and irritations, of modern life. It can get to the best of us! We are all human after all.
Maybe he needs some form of stress reliever - running or meditation, or suchlike, dependent on his character, as an outlet for the stress manifesting itself as crankiness in the home.

[Rokon]

Best Ways to not take on others stuff
Don't even try. You might be able to do some mental gymnastics and reasoning but its not a mental issue. Just express whatever emotions you can surrounding the issue. Do it in private.

[Mr Interesting]

Lots of people get annoyed with me and it's kinda been happening my whole life because I've always had a tendency to do things the way I want and so it seems that this annoyance is a kind of projected thing where it's used as a way of bringing us back into the kind of keep yourself tucked in and don't make any noise and eventually things might work out but if you are doing stuff that somewhat disturbs and questions that sense then it really is par for the course that a few sticks and stones will come your way.

But if you stick to your guns then those who might still very well be annoyed at you will also start feeling solidarity with your courage to keep at what you feel is right and then this kinda weird thing happens where they still berate you in some way but underneath it's less about them trying to hold you back and becomes a little bit more about them almost subconsciously feeling they can offload their weakness to get with your strength and if you're sensitive enough you can actually feel that hope in them trying to find itself.

And so then this back and forth makes them a little stronger in themselves but you too have to be able to shrug off useless energies which again they are watching for at a sub conscious level to embrace and make more valid the vitality of their growing hope.

Because they are beginning to believe in themselves the way you believe in you but they still have the old ways of showing that so you gotta go with that and feel underneath for the hope which in turn makes you more resilient and discerning of what efficient energies are.

And in a sense this is what temperance is.

[Deepsoul]

THankyou everybody so much, every post helped so much , I know its important for me to stay in my power , and I should be thankful and wise now as I have been given it inside now from above ,but it still seems to be a process, as I am at a pivitol stage..

I was an extremely attractive lady until I got sick last year and very caring and fun spirited, but not a very stable or mature one I guess ,its really taken its toll on me all of this and for years ive tried to deal with it best as I could, Because the past included physical violence I'm still in recovery from that. Standing up to him too much dosent work,neither does compassion ,in best a quite withdrawal does but then I need to remember just leave to it alone its not about me its about him ,go inside myself somehow and Love myself and don't let the anxiety start up, He has changed a lot ,it still catches me off guard though ,just when I start to get relaxed, I do find assertiveness works when I need it.I think it is his mother issues for sure . I love him with all my heart..and I know he me.

Its funny ive been letting go with God a little more and last night ,in my dream last night ,Well Ive just joined facebook and found my old school mates ,what a joy that is, I dreamt that I hooked up with this guy from school that I always greatly disliked ,but he was really nice now ,really spiritual ,my husband found out and it was awful he started to really lay all the stuff on thick ,which is how he could be if I even looked side ways or smiled at the opposite sex,not that ive ever wanted anyone but him, I see now when he does that it just pushes me further away from him and made me want to be more beautiful, more happy ,not that theres anything wrong with that but its not very deep, I see that I still try to find myself in his self or superficially , instead of staying strong and loving myself just for who I am, and I do understand a lot of it is his stuff I know my part in the play is just as big, his stuff seems to trigger mine ,it always has been about me loving myself appropriately ,from my dad issues right through every relationship and life situation ,This morning he left for the train ,and said Goodbye Lover too me ,I could feel in it a sort of remorseful but heightened love towards me ,I think there is hope for us yet as individuals and as a couple ,,,I know God will get us through ,this is the last Ill write on this subject as I feel I don't want to give it unessascary attention don't want to give the victim power, I cant keep letting this destroy me , I know I love myself enough to make it all work ...Love and Joy Peace LOVe and Light for us all Deepsoul

[knightofalbion]

I hope you resolve the matter, dear Deepsoul.
Speaking on behalf of everyone, we wish you every happiness.