Am I wasting my energy trying to heal a psychopath?

[Lightworker888]

My father is a psychopathic narcissist: he is incapable of feeling empathy, and won't take any responsibility for the emotional damage he has done. But I love him, and it pains me that he can't understand why I push him away. In a way it's not his fault that he literally can't understand... I spend so much of my energy trying to make things better, but I feel as though all my "light" just gets absorbed, like he's draining it out of me without even realising it... and the oddest thing is that I feel guilty about this. I can't seem to stop trying to heal him, but I'm getting hurt as a result. :icon_frown:

What can I do?

[pearlswan]

Wow, you're such a beautiful empath dear. Caring so much to heal someone like that and even feel guilty of not being able to do it. First of all, please please, don't EVER feel guilty of not being able to heal someone. You don't have any obligations or whatsoever to heal or help someone. You have your own life. They have theirs. Second, you can't make anything happen if their soul or well, their human mind doesn't agree to it. You may send as much as healing energy as you want, but if that person blocks it, it's just a waste. Yes you could just send loving thought and energy towards your dad, but you can't push yourself trying to heal him. Sorry but from what I've learned a lot, it's not possible. You have to understand that people would only change, if they want to. They would get better, only if they want to. If they choose to be. This is from the spiritual energy perspective, but from scientifically, you can't expect much from someone with that illness. Because they have mental illness which cause them well, not able to just feel things. It's useless if you suggest him to go to a doctor or psychologist or psychiatrist, it just doesn't work easily that way. Lastly dear, please again, don't feel guilty and think about your own well being. You yourself need lots of healing and gentle energies. You're only hurting yourself and this won't do any good at all.

[Gem]

My father is a psychopathic narcissist: he is incapable of feeling empathy, and won't take any responsibility for the emotional damage he has done. But I love him, and it pains me that he can't understand why I push him away. In a way it's not his fault that he literally can't understand... I spend so much of my energy trying to make things better, but I feel as though all my "light" just gets absorbed, like he's draining it out of me without even realising it... and the oddest thing is that I feel guilty about this. I can't seem to stop trying to heal him, but I'm getting hurt as a result. :icon_frown:

What can I do?
I don't know if your dad's a cruel person or anything, but I think it just comes down to taking people as they are, within boundaries of safety, which with parents and kids can take a long time.

[Colorado]

You are wasting your time if you are hurting yourself. You shouldn't have to hurt yourself to love somebody else...unless it is someone who is disabled & truly can not help it. Might as well shoot yourself in the foot over and over. My father sounds similar...I have cut him off. I hate to have to do that & I am not suggesting you do that...Im just not dealing with him anymore. I helped him raise his kids, took on a lot of responsibility as a youngster to help him...he was very abusive verbally, emotionally, mentally & physically. It was like watching a 6'4' two-year old on a rampage & throwing fits, growing up. He hasn't changed much, he has just found a more sly way of abusing his adult kids now

People like my dad, don't see us as empaths...or caring. They see us as weak, easily manipulated, & an easy target for abuse & amusement. Then he would have no problem telling everyone it is all your fault & laugh about how upset you are. My dad, lol...would have a hayday tearing down this forum & the kind of people who frequent here, including me. Honestly, the way I see it....I HAD to go through it as a kid...I DON'T have to go through it as an adult. It isn't even just about me, I was just as upsetting watching my brothers & sisters go through it. I see a lot of people anymore who think this is normal family dysfunction & they put up with it....well, its not normal in my house. I dont live that way & neither do my kids. IMO, that behavior ruins lives & should not be tolerated or accepted. That choice is up to each individual, though. My choices should not be yours...you have to make that for yourself. Good luck & I wish the best for you..this is no easy task, thats for sure. I will sign off with my dad's name for me so...yours truly, Pollyanna:D

[Klaatu24]

By "psychopathic narcissist" I'm guessing that you haven't been trained to deal with people who are like this -- so, please be extra kind to yourself. I can't even imagine how you've survived. :icon_frown:

I had to cut off from both parents (father was terrifying and incestuous, mother sabotaged almost everything I tried to do). Some of the hardest stuff I had to do. The strangest thing I can't describe correctly, is loving and hating my parents at the same time. If people treated me the way my parents did, I wouldn't give them the time of day. But I love my parents too. It's such a weird feeling.

So, it seems really natural that you'd want to continue to heal him -- he's your father. But I know it'd be really hard to break away from him.

When I was old enough to not attend family gatherings -- with that first one I didn't attend -- I felt about 5 percent guilty for not attending, but 95 percent FREE!!! I used that day to do anything I wanted, and felt an enormous weight off my shoulders that I didn't have to put up with everyone's bad feelings being dumped on everyone else.

The second time I didn't go to a family gathering, I felt 100 percent FREE!!! It was awesome!!!

Not that I'm recommending it to you, but just wanted to say how it went with me. You really can only do so much for a person until it starts hurting you to your core -- which I'm sure you already know.

So many books are really comforting, usually in the Psychology or Self Help section of book stores. Some are:

By Susan Forward:

"Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life"

"Emotional Blackmail, When People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You"

By Beverly Engel:

"The Emotionally Abused Woman"

"The Nice Girl Syndrome"

"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused…"

Both authors have many books that are so soothing and explains lots of things so deeply, causes-and-affects that I never even thought of in relationships.

I don't know if you're interested, but if so, you can google their lists of books.

Paraphrasing some wonderful channeled spirits I had a session with years ago: You don't have to take on other people's burdens or energy, because it weighs you down physically, mentally, and causes major issues for you. But, you can ask that light is sent to that person, and in that way, you can feel that you're doing something for the person without getting tangled up in all those situations.

Also, if you're interested, your county or state might have a family service office (or some other office) that might offer free counseling for you, to help get you through the rough spots. (I mean, just for you. I don't mean to imply counseling for you and your father together -- my guess is that you wouldn't be able to get your deepest feelings out if your father was in the same room).

I don't know if any of this helps. But I really wish you the best luck with this.

[Gracey]

My father is a psychopathic narcissist: he is incapable of feeling empathy, and won't take any responsibility for the emotional damage he has done. But I love him, and it pains me that he can't understand why I push him away. In a way it's not his fault that he literally can't understand... I spend so much of my energy trying to make things better, but I feel as though all my "light" just gets absorbed, like he's draining it out of me without even realising it... and the oddest thing is that I feel guilty about this. I can't seem to stop trying to heal him, but I'm getting hurt as a result. :icon_frown:

What can I do?
People are who they are. Let them be who they are. Acceptance is key. You are only hurting yourself trying to heal someone who doesn't want it. You know that. Focus on your own self, your own healing. You don't have to push him away, just let him be who he is, keep your boundaries set so you don't get hurt.

[innerlight]

You can't heal someone that does not want to be healed. For starters that would be a violation of their freewill. And you can't make someone be something they do not want to.

Healing is personal and it starts with the individual. Only they can be open to healing and open to change.

You can try to drop hints about things, like maybe drop off a book or two, or something, and see if they decide to follow a new path, but only they can. And you can not force it on them.

[wstein]

My father is a psychopathic narcissist: he is incapable of feeling empathy, and won't take any responsibility for the emotional damage he has done. But I love him, and it pains me that he can't understand why I push him away. In a way it's not his fault that he literally can't understand... I spend so much of my energy trying to make things better, but I feel as though all my "light" just gets absorbed, like he's draining it out of me without even realising it... and the oddest thing is that I feel guilty about this. I can't seem to stop trying to heal him, but I'm getting hurt as a result. :icon_frown: Psychopaths are born different. The are not 'broken' as in something went wrong thus they can not be healed. Its not your place any probably beyond your ability to change someone else. This is something you have to come to terms with.

[joyfirst]

My father is a psychopathic narcissist: he is incapable of feeling empathy, and won't take any responsibility for the emotional damage he has done. But I love him, and it pains me that he can't understand why I push him away. In a way it's not his fault that he literally can't understand... I spend so much of my energy trying to make things better, but I feel as though all my "light" just gets absorbed, like he's draining it out of me without even realising it... and the oddest thing is that I feel guilty about this. I can't seem to stop trying to heal him, but I'm getting hurt as a result. :icon_frown:

What can I do?
Nobody can hurt you emotionally, unless you have some subconscious beliefs, and their words push your buttons (those beliefs), and you feel pain in response. You can't change your father (and you shouldn't anyway, he is a free person), but you can change your beliefs about yourself, about life and other things, including your father. Once you do, your father will show you mostly the parts you believe about him, even if generally he won't be changed for others and himself.
Best way to change the beliefs is to install new ones through subliminal affirmations or audible ones in hypnotic state. However, during moments, when you feel lousy, you can use uninstallation of the old ones using EFT or EMDR.

[7luminaries]

Good advice here...

I would just reaffirm that it is key to establish healthy boundaries and DO feel free to either step away entirely from the relationship for as long as needed, if necessary AND/OR to always, always feel free to leave a situtation if at any point you feel he has become too toxic. Acceptance of him as he is does not EVER mean that you must endure his presence or his abuse, period.

Also, your father will not understand or appreciate this, as he thinks he is absolutely peachy just as he is, and that it is YOU who just cannot deal or accept him as he is -- i.e., a toxic and abusive narcissist and psychopath.

But be sure to keep in mind that your ability to both give and receive authentic love is a great strength. Your kindness and compassion are great strengths. Even though your father and others like him will disdain you for who you are, unless they find your love, engagement, and open-hearted vulnerability useful to serve their ends periodically. And because he may well regularly seek out your energy and support like a vampire, do be sure to care for yourself and set your boundaries firmly ahead of time, so that you may know and recognise when you feel attacked, demeaned, or dismissed.

Also bear in mind that psychopathy and narcissism are severe spiritual burdens...and ALL the more so because they have absolutely no idea how much of the full scope of humanity they lack. They have core spiritual iniquities in their current lifetime woven into their current incarnation, and these are crushing in their spiritual limitations. No matter how much sacred water is poured on the rock, its effect is still relatively small.

This says nothing of the quality of the sacred water, the love you give. Simply that conditions are currently lacking for that water to be received and returned to you in any sort of natural cycle at this time. Your prayers and good intentions can always be sent from afar and are always to the good, regardless.

Be safe and stay centred in the goodness and strength of your being.
Peace & blessings,
7L

[singlemalt]

My father is a psychopathic narcissist: he is incapable of feeling empathy, and won't take any responsibility for the emotional damage he has done. But I love him, and it pains me that he can't understand why I push him away. In a way it's not his fault that he literally can't understand... I spend so much of my energy trying to make things better, but I feel as though all my "light" just gets absorbed, like he's draining it out of me without even realising it... and the oddest thing is that I feel guilty about this. I can't seem to stop trying to heal him, but I'm getting hurt as a result. :icon_frown:

What can I do?

Dear Lightworker888, please find some good books about narcissists. They are typically very damaged and only Universal Love/God/Divine Spirit whatever you want to call it can fix them. Your description of "all your light getting absorbed" is so accurate -- they take and take and always take but give little in return. It may help you to understand that they are truly pitiful creatures as they have no concept of love as we know it. Oh they do have warm feelings of a sort, but if one could measure what they call love against what non-narcissists call love the difference would be dramatic and obvious.

You have already grasped that he does not understand and this illness is not his fault but he IS responsible for his actions and this is where you must draw the line. Do not allow him to suck all the life essence from you!

It has been my misfortune to have two (clinically diagnosed) narcissists in my life. One of them literally nearly killed me on purpose and to this day does not think he did anything wrong.

Perhaps a past-life reading would shed some light on why you are in this relationship? Just a thought.

Blessings.

[Golden Eagle]

My father is a psychopathic narcissist: he is incapable of feeling empathy, and won't take any responsibility for the emotional damage he has done. But I love him, and it pains me that he can't understand why I push him away. In a way it's not his fault that he literally can't understand... I spend so much of my energy trying to make things better, but I feel as though all my "light" just gets absorbed, like he's draining it out of me without even realising it... and the oddest thing is that I feel guilty about this. I can't seem to stop trying to heal him, but I'm getting hurt as a result. :icon_frown:

What can I do?

STEP BACK and stop trying to do the impossible. Love him , yes ....... but it is not your task to carry two loads of your back. TAKE time away ..... you have every right to have SPACE to BE yourself. Stop trying to make things better ...... take time for self care. It is not selfish to take proper care of oneself and not to give excessively to one who is making no effort at there own self care. I have lived very closely with this ...... family and best friends who fell in to this and , while they cannot help it or so it seems ......they are master manipulators using the disorder to get attention, it is a massive ego disorder. Suggested read "The Secret Of Letting Go by Guy Finley" and "Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh".

You will find one common denominator in ALL mental illnesses ..... they are UNWILLING to Forgive and Let Go, and that is a CHOICE. They do not want to heal ....... healing is available WITHIN should they change their minds , you cannot heal another against their own Free Will. You can only pray for them and give them space. Do not let them claim more of your space then is good for you.

Guilt is a tool of manipulation. DO NOT BELIEVE IT!

[Interuniversalism]

My father is a psychopathic narcissist: he is incapable of feeling empathy, and won't take any responsibility for the emotional damage he has done. But I love him, and it pains me that he can't understand why I push him away. In a way it's not his fault that he literally can't understand... I spend so much of my energy trying to make things better, but I feel as though all my "light" just gets absorbed, like he's draining it out of me without even realising it... and the oddest thing is that I feel guilty about this. I can't seem to stop trying to heal him, but I'm getting hurt as a result. :icon_frown:

What can I do?

Your intention is positive and you give the healing but it does not work. It is not his fault. The healing treats everyone equally whether they believe in it or not.

My intention is good and I want to fix your car. But it is not fixed. Is it the car fault or you as the owner? I might be working on the wrong part or with the wrong tool.

[TroyMartin]

I feel that a lot of narcissistic types are spirit possessed and are in a symbiotic relationship with a darker spirit. It's all that they know and they have no desire to change that. However, once a narcissist dies that symbiotic relationship ends. So all you can do is plant seeds that they will remember after they die, living as a spirit when that symbiotic relationship ends and leave the rest to god. And remember, as a child of a narcissist you were never able to satisfy him nor nor did he ever approve of you. This leaves the child in a perpetual state of feeling like they need to get approval from them by succeeding at something. To try to succeed at helping narcissist is virtually impossible. I once talked to a psychologist that told me that a narcissist takes on average about two years of weekly, one hour therapy sessions just to admit that they have a problem. I have one of those psychopathic/narcissistic fathers and I chose to disown him, told him he is incapable of showing respect and love and because I refuse to consistently interact with people who are abusive with me that I cannot have anything to do with him anymore. My father is god's child and so I'll leave it up to god to deal with him while I live my life.

[lovestars117]

You aren't wasting your energy, you're wasting your time. We only have so much time in this life, don't waste it. You and your dad love each other, always have and always will.

[waterdragon541]

You will have to raise your vibrations high enough as to offset the negativity and emotional trauma you are encountering regularily. Good boundaries are very difficult especially with loved ones mental illness and you being an Empath. I have been in your situation and had to leave not because I stopped loving her but because I had to pick up my piece and pieces they were and am to this day struggling with learning to love myself. The unhealthier the bonds are the harder they are to break. Sending much love!

[Michal Sychra]

My brother tried to help me too and felt guilty when failed. This unfortunatelly satisfied me. Then he let me be and I've realised that I am in a danger. This caused me to be more carefull, because psychopathy is illness and thus a problem of those who are ill. But why are you not astonished that the God is unconcerned to you and yor father? Maybe it is unnecessary...

[Mused]

You can't heal someone who won't accept that... If it's someone you genuinely care about like a family member, distance yourself to an extent so you can keep your emotional health. Otherwise people will just drain you ... It's a tough lesson to learn but it is what it is.

[jimrich]

My father is a psychopathic narcissist: he is incapable of feeling empathy, and won't take any responsibility for the emotional damage he has done. But I love him, and it pains me that he can't understand why I push him away. In a way it's not his fault that he literally can't understand... I spend so much of my energy trying to make things better, but I feel as though all my "light" just gets absorbed, like he's draining it out of me without even realising it... and the oddest thing is that I feel guilty about this. I can't seem to stop trying to heal him, but I'm getting hurt as a result. :icon_frown:

What can I do?

I learned a lot about folks like your dad (and you) at Codependency Anonymous, a support group for folks from messed up families who are dealing with difficult parents, family members and spouses.
I was taught how to set up boundaries so psychopaths cannot absorb my "light" of make me feel guilty if I stand up for myself with them.
If you cannot stop trying to heal him, it means that you are caught in a Codependent Drama with him and all you can do is HELP your self first and then, once you are strong enough, you might be able to help him as well.
IMO, folks like your dad do not ever change but you sure can change your self to become mentally healthy and able to live a much better life by discovering what Codependents learn about them self and others.
google: codependent support groups in your area and try them out.
good luck :hug3:

[7luminaries]

I feel that a lot of narcissistic types are spirit possessed and are in a symbiotic relationship with a darker spirit. It's all that they know and they have no desire to change that. However, once a narcissist dies that symbiotic relationship ends. So all you can do is plant seeds that they will remember after they die, living as a spirit when that symbiotic relationship ends and leave the rest to god. And remember, as a child of a narcissist you were never able to satisfy him nor nor did he ever approve of you. This leaves the child in a perpetual state of feeling like they need to get approval from them by succeeding at something. To try to succeed at helping narcissist is virtually impossible. I once talked to a psychologist that told me that a narcissist takes on average about two years of weekly, one hour therapy sessions just to admit that they have a problem. I have one of those psychopathic/narcissistic fathers and I chose to disown him, told him he is incapable of showing respect and love and because I refuse to consistently interact with people who are abusive with me that I cannot have anything to do with him anymore. My father is god's child and so I'll leave it up to god to deal with him while I live my life.

Yes. This is optimistic at best, even still, because it assumes they would commit to therapy for this length in order to even admit the problem.

All the best to you on your journey and take care of yourself.
Peace & blessings :hug3:
7L

[7luminaries]

STEP BACK and stop trying to do the impossible. Love him , yes ....... but it is not your task to carry two loads of your back. TAKE time away ..... you have every right to have SPACE to BE yourself. Stop trying to make things better ...... take time for self care. It is not selfish to take proper care of oneself and not to give excessively to one who is making no effort at there own self care. I have lived very closely with this ...... family and best friends who fell in to this and , while they cannot help it or so it seems ......they are master manipulators using the disorder to get attention, it is a massive ego disorder. Suggested read "The Secret Of Letting Go by Guy Finley" and "Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh".

You will find one common denominator in ALL mental illnesses ..... they are UNWILLING to Forgive and Let Go, and that is a CHOICE. They do not want to heal ....... healing is available WITHIN should they change their minds , you cannot heal another against their own Free Will. You can only pray for them and give them space. Do not let them claim more of your space then is good for you.

Guilt is a tool of manipulation. DO NOT BELIEVE IT!

This is by and large solid and wise advice...the only thing I would add is that narcissism and psychopathy (all on the psychopathy spectrum) is a huge spiritual burden. It reflects the spiritual iniquity that has not yet been transformed and it is at the core of their soul's challenges.

Clearly, for narcissists and psychopaths, who generally make little to no apparent progress in their current lifetimes, it will still likely be quite some time (perhaps aeons and who know how many more lifetimes?) before this spiritual iniquity is elevated and meaningfully addressed by the individual in question.

We did NOT sign on for abuse by the narcissist or the psychopath. And if this is a parent, we have the right to give ourselves whatever space is needed once we have left home.

Peace & blessings :hug3:
7L

[row37]

Am I wasting my energy trying to heal a psychopath? Yes. Distance yourself and move on. You know the answer to this already, or you would never in a million years have started the thread w/ that question.

[Emmalevine]

I have a narcissistic ex partner and one thing I have learnt over the years is that I can only manage myself, my feelings, my responses and actions. Not his. I had to let go of wanting him to see things differently, to understand me. There is a wonderful quote that I live by:

Never try to explain who you are to someone who is committed to misunderstanding you.

If someone is invested/committed to being a certain way for whatever reason, denial of their own pain or whatever, they are not going to change for you. They can only change if/when something inside them shifts which is probably unlikely if psychopathic tendencies exist because the defences are going to be iron clad strong.

As others have mentioned, wanting to heal your dad is really less about him and more about where you are. It's agonisingly painful to let go, but perhaps this is about trying to reach some kind of accepance and moving forward with love.

[Native spirit]

The one thing anyone must do to recieve Healing is to be open to recieving it some people just are not so it doesnt matter what you try to do you dont get anywhere, you can send Healing thoughts to anyone but if they are in denial of everything then it doesnt have any affect,
you need to take care of yourself you cant help everyone,it took me a long time to realise that as i used to help everyone, there comes a time when you can only do what you can do and nomore.

Namaste

[Rozie]

Yes. He has his life, and you have yours. You are responsible for yourself, not for him. I can only imagine that you have issues of your own and that is what needs to be dealt with.

People have their purpose and he is probably not going to change that much. It is not your fault, or your job to fix him. You can't, so put your efforts where you can make a difference.

I went to a 12 step program for families of alcoholics and they say 'you can't fix them'...the idea is to accept them how they are, and worry about your own self. You can separate yourself from them if you choose, but if you choose to deal with them then don't be co-dependent. Look at your own dysfunctional behavior within the relationship and deal with that.

I am not an expert on the 12 step program because I decided if I couldn't 'fix him' then I didn't want to be tortured, so I severed the tie.