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View Full Version : How do you find the balance between loving yourself and living without identity?


Fleur de Frost
14-12-2015, 04:00 PM
I'm working through a situation of intense emotional dependency, where I was so focused on abusive 'love' simply because I was never giving love to myself. Sooo, I'm trying to learn how to love myself and give myself everything I need instead.

The problem is that I'm clinging to things which separate my identity from what happened. And honestly - I'm so tired. Even with what I thought I loved, I find myself automatically thinking "I don't want to be so attached to this". I'm attached to the concept of finding love in other things rather than just living, and it's draining everything from me.

So how does that happen? How can you live without saying "this is me. What resonates most with my soul is A, B, and C, and I feel most at home when I'm doing D, E, and F." Don't we need to have some kind of identity while we're here on Earth? If that's the case, how do you own that identity while remaining non-attached to it?

Thank you for your help! I appreciate it so so much!

Thunder Bow
14-12-2015, 05:38 PM
It is critical to to know and be attached your identity. Self love is knowing who you are.

naturesflow
14-12-2015, 07:10 PM
I'm working through a situation of intense emotional dependency, where I was so focused on abusive 'love' simply because I was never giving love to myself. Sooo, I'm trying to learn how to love myself and give myself everything I need instead.

The problem is that I'm clinging to things which separate my identity from what happened. And honestly - I'm so tired. Even with what I thought I loved, I find myself automatically thinking "I don't want to be so attached to this". I'm attached to the concept of finding love in other things rather than just living, and it's draining everything from me.

So how does that happen? How can you live without saying "this is me. What resonates most with my soul is A, B, and C, and I feel most at home when I'm doing D, E, and F." Don't we need to have some kind of identity while we're here on Earth? If that's the case, how do you own that identity while remaining non-attached to it?

Thank you for your help! I appreciate it so so much!


When your building the picture of self love in you. Part of the loving is being ok to feel yourself clinging, not resisting all that you feel, it doesn't just disappear because you don't like it. It is speaking to you to listen deeper to what is within the clinging in feeling. It doesn't mean your going to hold onto those aspects of you while walking through, but more open to the resistance in yourself all the way through your process.

We are transient beings moving through life and process, what is right now doesn't mean it is going to stay that way, especially if you are open to acknowledge yourself and allow yourself to be in that space, all the while knowing you can let go and move onto the next step.

Concepts are well and good to kick start your process of self love, but ultimately it takes conscious effort and active participation to build this new person in you.


In the wanting to end and build something new, within both their is process that wants your attention in every way. Recreating yourself is a life long process, especially if this is all new for you.

Building a picture of yourself eventually lends itself to just be you without attachments to you just being. This is really the deeper feeling you build slowly over time. Until one day you wake up and tell yourself, I now know who I am in that realm of self love, it then leads you naturally where you can live as that love, discovering you in a life long process in new ways of you being love.

Mr Interesting
14-12-2015, 07:26 PM
Yes, I remember reading something somewhere about the detachment of meditation not being enough and possibly, and I'm quite forgetful so I can't be sure, that at the same time compassion, or was it empathy, was needed as a counterbalance... but I can't remember.

I mean logically if you haven't an identity you can't love yourself simply because there is no self to love so in a sense they are mutually exclusive... so it must be something else.

I think this question hints nicely at the difference of slow change over time as opposed to revelation, as it were, and suddenly being something else... and that gulf between the two which doesn't seem to get much notional possibility.

I think this is why perceptions and perspectives are well worth contemplation because it allows us to review not only what we're looking at but how we might be looking at it, This then kinda says if the answer is somehow not intellectual but resides in feeling then how can a question be formed which allows the intellectual content to be held so loosely and admit the feeling. Therefore it is also a kind of admittance that what we have isn't working as well as it might but that it is also all that we have... to see what we have.

Beauty though is a quiet and unassuming thing and almost shy as well and coming striding up to it's door and announcing ones presence might actually be the best way to have it go scampering off to hide... but if we're lucky we catch a glimpse of it in our peripheral, and we go quiet.... ah!