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SilentLegend
14-12-2015, 07:06 AM
This thread relates to my spiritual development, specifically the area of accepting criticism and not taking things personally (this could even be "bullying" or insults or what have you).
Because my whole life I have been afraid that people will think/say things that are negative about me, passing judgement on me.

I think I have gotten better at accepting criticism, if it is constructive.
But overall my sensitivity is so high that that all it takes is one person to insult me and that would leave me feeling down the rest of the day.
Any kind of negative attention or judgments and I would be destroyed mentally, I am afraid I would melt down.
Since I know my emotional state is so precarious I don't express myself, I stay as a shell of myself, just trying to blend in to be invisible, so no one targets me.
But I know this hinders me, I never feel like I can be myself.

First step on my spiritual development is to be stronger emotionally, to stop being sensitive to what others say or think about me.
I thought of a way that I could get better at this, want to know what you guys think of this, and anything else you can add to this topic (like any other advice on emotional strength) feel free to do so.

When someone passes judgement on me what they are doing is trying to unload their emotional burden on to me in the form of a personal attack.
They are hoping that I accept their judgement so that they can relieve themselves of the guilt and shame of making that judgement.
If I accept their judgement then I am allowing them to go free, and I give them the license to continue to make judgements on me.

But if I don't accept their judgement, then I am reflecting their attack right back at them and they will have to feel the weight of their judgement they are making and the guilt that comes with it.
I have noticed that when I make judgements on others, and I sense that they don't accept my judgement, I immediately feel guilt and shame afterwards, so if it happens to me I think it would happen to them too.

I don't want to allow people to unload their burdens on me, I want to reflect it back on them so that they feel it.
This is just something I thought up, want to know what you guys think of this perspective.
Any other advice would be welcome as well, this is a huge obstacle.

GreenGazer
14-12-2015, 08:13 AM
I think this is something everyone feels to a certain degree. The method you came up with is a good start in my opinion. Maybe, though, narrow what you consider a judgement to begin with. I have found over the years, once I gave it some serious thought, that not everything I once took as a judgement was a judgement at all but I lacked confidence in my own actions or thoughts so anything that could possibly be taken as a criticism I did and at times exaggerated the perceived intent. Cheers to you for seeing this in yourself and trying to change how you react to these things. There is nothing wrong with being yourself. Don't let the fickle whims of society dictate your thoughts or actions.

Sorcerer
14-12-2015, 08:27 AM
This is a common thing a lot of we humans face today. Its a good thing you are aware of this problem in you and trying to develop more emotional resilience. To me i think, the criticisms activates our own set of insecurities or beliefs we have in our subconscious of not being worthy or good enough. I think the solution is total self acceptance. Acceptance of flaws and admitting you not perfect and not taking anyones criticism as a personal attack but just a general disagreement of opinion. I also face this problem and i am also currently working towards devoloping resilience to criticisms.

Michelle11
14-12-2015, 08:42 AM
People attack others not out of love but out of their own insecurity. If you are affected by it then that means that a part of you believes what they say so the sure fire way to free yourself from that pain is to work on your own self image. Learn to see yourself with love and compassion and know you are good enough just the way you are and nothing anyone says will hurt you and odds are you won't attract that kind of comment in the first place. Worry less about how others feel and focus on healing yourself by paying attention to your inner dialogue. Best of luck.

Greenslade
14-12-2015, 09:37 AM
I don't want to allow people to unload their burdens on me, I want to reflect it back on them so that they feel it.Their judgement says something about them, your reflecting back at them says something about you so what are you communicating? Often there's an energy system that builds up, like a misunderstanding that leads to a full-blown argument and it can get so out of control so soon. They reflect their burdens and you reflect that back, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" as Gandhi said.

Judgement is very subjective and how we receive it is up to us. If it is judgement then what makes it judgement and is that then a reflection of ourselves? It's as bad to take offence as it is to give it. Sometimes what is perceived as judgement is not judgement all at but something that touches a raw nerve inside that we can't or don't want to acknowledge nor accept. What we perceive and how we receive is a reflection of us.

Step out of the energy system. While you have no control over what they reflect on to you, you have full control over how you receive it and reflect it back out again. They reflect judgement so reflect back understanding and perhaps gain some self awareness in the process. You can allow them to unload their burdens onto you without them being burdensome, but then are they just trying to unload or are they looking for empathy? And only you make you a martyr.

Thunder Bow
14-12-2015, 05:55 PM
Judgment is not understanding, but is short cut thinking. Bullying is all about control. People who bully, want to control you, and want your attention. People who judge, will remain ignorant. Bullies want to dominate and control a situation.

Mr Interesting
14-12-2015, 07:07 PM
One of my big breaks happened almost thirty years ago when I read Edward De Bono's 'Lateral thinking' because what it kinda did was allow me to stand aside from supposed problems even whilst it did also give me that which was intended, the ability to solve problems in a unique and efficient way, but to this day the ability to stand aside from problems has absolutely been one of the best things that happened to me.

One of the results of this standing aside is that we then question why something is even a problem because with this distance we can see what is problematic but also what we might hope to achieve by getting it solved and then being on the other side of it.

naturesflow
14-12-2015, 07:19 PM
This thread relates to my spiritual development, specifically the area of accepting criticism and not taking things personally (this could even be "bullying" or insults or what have you).
Because my whole life I have been afraid that people will think/say things that are negative about me, passing judgement on me.

I think I have gotten better at accepting criticism, if it is constructive.
But overall my sensitivity is so high that that all it takes is one person to insult me and that would leave me feeling down the rest of the day.
Any kind of negative attention or judgments and I would be destroyed mentally, I am afraid I would melt down.
Since I know my emotional state is so precarious I don't express myself, I stay as a shell of myself, just trying to blend in to be invisible, so no one targets me.
But I know this hinders me, I never feel like I can be myself.

First step on my spiritual development is to be stronger emotionally, to stop being sensitive to what others say or think about me.
I thought of a way that I could get better at this, want to know what you guys think of this, and anything else you can add to this topic (like any other advice on emotional strength) feel free to do so.

When someone passes judgement on me what they are doing is trying to unload their emotional burden on to me in the form of a personal attack.
They are hoping that I accept their judgement so that they can relieve themselves of the guilt and shame of making that judgement.
If I accept their judgement then I am allowing them to go free, and I give them the license to continue to make judgements on me.

But if I don't accept their judgement, then I am reflecting their attack right back at them and they will have to feel the weight of their judgement they are making and the guilt that comes with it.
I have noticed that when I make judgements on others, and I sense that they don't accept my judgement, I immediately feel guilt and shame afterwards, so if it happens to me I think it would happen to them too.

I don't want to allow people to unload their burdens on me, I want to reflect it back on them so that they feel it.
This is just something I thought up, want to know what you guys think of this perspective.
Any other advice would be welcome as well, this is a huge obstacle.

Once your have a foundation in your mind about judgement and what it means, it then allows you to practice this for real when it comes at you.

Sensitivity imo, can often relate to *not wanting to feel* how everything feels in myself when things of this nature come at me. The prolonged agony is often not wanting to let go of something in feeling that pertains to the criticism or judgement of another, so this too comes into the picture.

When your mind is more clear about what the other really is doing and why, it is the beginning of understanding that people will at times express outwards at others, at times to reflect their own feelings they are open to speak face to face. This for them becomes part of their processing style. (extroverts tend to do this, and introverts tend to take on, so its important to build a space so you don't take on their processing and allow it to help you let go too. It can be a wonderful two way street of allowing yourself to open to feel and let go, to clear out you holding in and blocking, creating the prolonged agony of feeling very sensitive/taking it personal to these kind of situations)

Deepsoul
14-12-2015, 08:04 PM
Yes there are many factors at play, I find the more unconditional love I create for myself in the moment helps to build me in a grounded way, the mind being very

complex ,will create many different ways of coping the flight and fright that is common to us, I was faced with a minor upset the other day ,I have come a long way

with PTS from DV and am releasing my victim daily , I felt the familiar feelings of discontent ,at first I didnt say much ,then I said what i needed to assertively and

truthfully, at one point I had to go into deep unconditional love for myself and the other person, Jesus helps me to go deeper into my heart, I came to a place of lovely

peace ,no justifying etc or needing for the other to be wrong or me be right, Silent legend I would suggest an assertiveness class they are very helpful on ones

journey, we are not all the same so when you say that you feel shame etc when you do say judge and its rejected it dosent mean others will feel that way and that is

sort of resentment thinking and sets up more problems. When we learn to be assertive we usually have our anger under control and can then state what we need too

,but as always even though us humans are similar in many ways each of us have varing degrees of self esteem ,and the way we view things, so it just comes back to

us being ok with what we say and how we take it.:hug3:

Rokon
14-12-2015, 08:36 PM
I don't want to allow people to unload their burdens on me, I want to reflect it back on them so that they feel it.
This is just something I thought up, want to know what you guys think of this perspective.

Here's general rule for you to consider when dealing with emotions. Resolving emotional issues with "mind tricks" and just thinking differently (about judgments) doesn't allow expression. Your feelings are like charged energy and they need expression. You can do it alone or at the person projecting towards you. Reflecting back is great if you can manage it without unwanted consequences. But the real solution is "expression".

Deepsoul
14-12-2015, 09:53 PM
I love that Rokon ,it is energy and expression is very important ,the more we hold on to stuff more it builds....

SilentLegend
15-12-2015, 05:11 AM
I appreciate the responses everyone, definitely unconditional love and forgiveness of self is one of the reasons I am on this forum, it is a work in progress and something I will have to learn to cultivate.

Step out of the energy system. While you have no control over what they reflect on to you, you have full control over how you receive it and reflect it back out again. They reflect judgement so reflect back understanding and perhaps gain some self awareness in the process. You can allow them to unload their burdens onto you without them being burdensome, but then are they just trying to unload or are they looking for empathy? And only you make you a martyr.

This is an interesting perspective I didn't think about, reflecting back understanding.
I am not sure how to go about that, but something I may need to reflect on.

Here's general rule for you to consider when dealing with emotions. Resolving emotional issues with "mind tricks" and just thinking differently (about judgments) doesn't allow expression. Your feelings are like charged energy and they need expression. You can do it alone or at the person projecting towards you. Reflecting back is great if you can manage it without unwanted consequences. But the real solution is "expression".

Can you explain more what this means?
Does it mean if I feel hurt I should just express it?
I mean I have had times where I have just released my emotions with a good cry, and it felt good afterwards, but I am looking to make sure I don't be hurt in the first place.

Greenslade
15-12-2015, 10:13 AM
This is an interesting perspective I didn't think about, reflecting back understanding.
I am not sure how to go about that, but something I may need to reflect on.Understand yourself a little better and that's what will reflect out. As you have your Life experiences in whatever shape or form they have taken and they've brought you to this point, they have theirs too. They may be judging because it's all they've ever known or they don't know any better, you can show them another way.

Our hearts send out a 360-degree electromagnetic pulse at the speed of light every time it beats. Science fact and measurable. We are all antennae and we all pick up on each other's pulses - think of how holding the antenna of an old radio can make the reception better. All you have to do is change what's in your heart and the rest will take care of itself, a little at a time. And remember that judgement is a perception, are they judging you or are they showing you what's in their hearts? What is you heart going to send back to them?