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naturesflow
04-12-2015, 10:07 PM
There is a song by Joe Cocker the same as title of this thread. I like his version the best.

When I write out these things. I am in the picture of my sharing one with all this, I do have faith in myself.

At present I am finding I am building faith in myself about others more so now, so I guess I haven't truly built faith, until I see myself with others in every way of others being themselves and lets face it, there are so many others in this world, it could take me a looooooong time to meet myself in others..

Trusting myself and knowing myself is one thing, but merging myself into the world and others as they are is whole other ball game.

Sometimes as we know, the ball is tossed at you and hits your nose pretty damn hard. It hurts. But I do have faith in myself, I know I will survive and be ok no matter, this has helped me to not damn that ball, damn that person to hell, and damn this miserable life and what I am hit with like this by others. Mostly my own faith leads me to have faith in others regardless..

It is hard though. Because having faith in myself then teaches me that faith in others, means I have to be aware of them as they are, what I am dealing with, what they know, what they don't know, what makes them sing, what makes them dance, what makes them peed off and bored and so on. It really makes me be aware of the other more so in this faith.

It does make life interesting though.


Trusting in others..

Mr Interesting
06-12-2015, 09:44 PM
We had like a Christmas family together thing yesterday and it was really neato at one point where my nephews wife became the butt of a very good joke that came out of my mouth. Not only the first one, which my dear niece leaped on and started the big laugh session, but moments later I grabbed an even funnier one and everyone was absolutely in stitches. Niece, precious niece, kept it going and was almost rolling on the ground and tears were in every eye, then it finished and she, niece, said 'That was Gold' and I almost leaped to "no, but yes, and it is the holy spirit' but I didn't, my sister was right next to me and she has 'the' faith but I knew what was real and she didn't need that spoken by me to possibly confound her.

Yes, and then strong and resilient nephews wife came and sat next to me and I didn't need to mention anything... she knows, I know and the three of us do the work that's asked of us when it needs done.

Mostly all the rest of the time it was insurance and mortgages and all the rest of scaredy cat speak but that's fine... it's the space that let's the juxtaposition of the great deep laugh fill us up.

naturesflow
06-12-2015, 10:41 PM
We had like a Christmas family together thing yesterday and it was really neato at one point where my nephews wife became the butt of a very good joke that came out of my mouth. Not only the first one, which my dear niece leaped on and started the big laugh session, but moments later I grabbed an even funnier one and everyone was absolutely in stitches. Niece, precious niece, kept it going and was almost rolling on the ground and tears were in every eye, then it finished and she, niece, said 'That was Gold' and I almost leaped to "no, but yes, and it is the holy spirit' but I didn't, my sister was right next to me and she has 'the' faith but I knew what was real and she didn't need that spoken by me to possibly confound her.

Yes, and then strong and resilient nephews wife came and sat next to me and I didn't need to mention anything... she knows, I know and the three of us do the work that's asked of us when it needs done.

Mostly all the rest of the time it was insurance and mortgages and all the rest of scaredy cat speak but that's fine... it's the space that let's the juxtaposition of the great deep laugh fill us up.

Sweet.

My dream last night opened the sweetness of life once more. It has been a long haul opening to the greater suffering and not backing down in myself. By this I mean allowing all feeling to rise up and meet me. You see those harder spaces in yourself arise through the world as it is. One of my hardest issues has been being in the direct firing line of jokes and projection of pain being made about me as the source of another's problem, all the while, while I am trying to just be myself, hold my space. But when the big BOOM hits you in every way of that moment, its like your internals are smashed up against the biggest, highest wall that any wave could slam dunk you.

On this side of being open, without fear to feel and express myself lovingly, which is is hard when you have to be hurt open without fear or suppression and avoidance, but it can work, as I am finding. It feels different in this new space to not react, to not stifle down how it all feels in myself, to push through and get on with things and just laugh it off. Laughing works, but not at the detriment of how your really feeling inside. That too speaks pretty loud even as you dull down with a joke or funny line..All that stuff hiding behind a moment of putting on a brave face and laughing off what is killing you inside. I find it hard to fake it I suppose nowdays. My whole self goes into overdrive in everyway I am noticing.

I had one family recently who admitted and I know he is trying hard, to let go of control and reactive control it be. Thing is, in his undoing, he cant always own his feeling in the moment, so instead of letting go and listening, he uses something to make it go away..you know? In a family situation recently , we had where all the siblings came together. I noticed that all siblings bar himself were pretty open to each other, open in themselves, not holding on or doing their very best to be open and listen to themselves and others...... it felt really good in the circle of five of us...we were all listening to each other and accepting each other in positive upbeat ways.. I thought this is easy, majority on board-a walk in the park this space today, everyone finding their space and things moving along nicely for everyone..until...


Quietly in the background directly behind me is eldest brother who I can feel stewing silently behind me. You know those really silent moments where you can almost hear a pin drop and in that silence, something is screaming at you that makes you take notice, its kind of layering out all over you before anyone else is aware... So of course me being me in this way, is noticing him, silently I might add. I didn't udder a word, just let him be. Anyways it comes time for his input. Omg the force be with you they say, the force was forcing its way even as it was trying to not be a force. Everyone allowed and listened. Everyone looked into what was already felt by me, by this stage and now were on to him.

Well off he went, forcefully trying to convey himself and his ideas. We all listened because we could. And he was heard. Well in part that is.

Suddenly in that feeling I could feel underneath his voice, I noticed he wasn't going to open to it in himself, more react to it, outward to the group and ideas he wanted to put forth. But wait for it. Suddenly out of nowhere, he lashes out at me because I didn't hear something he said. (Mind you I am hearing impaired and forgot my hearing aids and was doing the best I could without them) He hits me with a big sharp wounded response and boy did it hit, deep and hard. I felt my insides sink down to a cold dark place in myself. It hurt me deeply. Knowing myself though, I knew that part was about me so I allowed for a moment, knew this meeting had to go on and soldiered on. All the while pushing down my tears, because this meeting was important and we needed to get through without me breaking down in this way.

The strange part in me through this process was that I realized something quite quickly when it hit me. I realized that if I had of cried in front of them all, that it would have been interpreted as grief for the loss of my mother, and part of me knew they would entangle my pain in their own and that... Saying things like, oh she is sad and very sensitive at this time, you know how she is...blah blah blah... Its just her and how she is managing right now. It would have been about me..you know? It was about me, but not the way they would see this. So I thought ok we have a dilemma that could escalate here in ways I didn't need today... So I managed to stuff it all down, continue the meeting and resolve myself and complete what we were all here to do.

In the meantime big brother over the course of our time together in that shared space, used me again three times and hit me to the core over and over. It was like this hammer crushing down upon my heart and gut each time. But I pushed through, I knew I had too..

When I went home, I let it all go. Let the flow of feeling rise up and sat with my cat, the silent one and felt it all...

Of course I know I needed all this, but that is only one part of this...I knew their was more to come, just wasn't sure at that point..

I went to bed that night, woke at 3.03 am and had this creative burst of expression that needed to be shared. I had like this poem in my head, words wanting to be said. So with that insight I got up, typed away what wanted to flow through me. Put it all down and suddenly I get half way through it and realize its for eldest brother. Oh. Ok lets send it to him..And so I did.

Next day I had to face him. Wasn't quite sure if he would shun it as some crazy creative space of mine that didn't make any sense to him. Probably think I had lost my mind. Especially at three am in the morning.

Anyway I walk in to my mothers home. Find him their alone. I felt myself go into my quiver, quiver, this is it, I will drown again here, or so I thought. Brace yourself for another pounding, I told myself, he will be fired up in his old way once more no doubt....

But to my surprise, I feel his energy lighter and less intrusive, somewhat peaceful. Was it me? Was it him too? Who was who in this space? Sure enough it was both of us, regardless of the initial feelings arising in anticipation in us both, hee walked over, gave me a big soft bear hug and said. thankyou.

I said what for?

He said. You know.

I smiled in relief, more than anything.

From that moment on of me sharing how important it would be for him and all of us if he through this process could be a little more mindful of himself and be aware of himself. I did lay out everything, because everything was wanting to be shared. So he got it all right down to the reasons, the replacement, the projection, the unwillingness, the pain, the modelling and the reason why I became his source of not listening to himself.....It felt good to let it all go and give back to him lovingly and mindfully..

I also told him I loved him and forgave him, which felt real through the process, that probably helped a lot..

Since then been practicing lovingly on those closest to home...its getting easier in the moment now to build it as a source of shared expression..using my voice even when I am being used as the source they cant feel and let go of first in themselves..Loving others pain when it hurts..boy its hard work but I am really covering ground now...phew.

Yes we do work from many places in ourselves, when we are in a shared space together, all vessels in some shape or form. Its how the world is.

Lorelyen
06-12-2015, 11:39 PM
There is a song by Joe Cocker the same as title of this thread. I like his version the best.

When I write out these things. I am in the picture of my sharing one with all this, I do have faith in myself.

At present I am finding I am building faith in myself about others more so now, so I guess I haven't truly built faith, until I see myself with others in every way of others being themselves and lets face it, there are so many others in this world, it could take me a looooooong time to meet myself in others..

Trusting myself and knowing myself is one thing, but merging myself into the world and others as they are is whole other ball game.

Sometimes as we know, the ball is tossed at you and hits your nose pretty damn hard. It hurts. But I do have faith in myself, I know I will survive and be ok no matter, this has helped me to not damn that ball, damn that person to hell, and damn this miserable life and what I am hit with like this by others. Mostly my own faith leads me to have faith in others regardless..

It is hard though. Because having faith in myself then teaches me that faith in others, means I have to be aware of them as they are, what I am dealing with, what they know, what they don't know, what makes them sing, what makes them dance, what makes them peed off and bored and so on. It really makes me be aware of the other more so in this faith.

It does make life interesting though.


Trusting in others..

Agreed totally. You articulate things far better than I - crystalise thoughts that sometimes come to me and this is one, that as one becomes steadfast about oneself, it's possible to appraise people with greater confidence especially if one might have to rely on them. You just said it better.

...

naturesflow
07-12-2015, 12:32 AM
Agreed totally. You articulate things far better than I - crystalise thoughts that sometimes come to me and this is one, that as one becomes steadfast about oneself, it's possible to appraise people with greater confidence especially if one might have to rely on them. You just said it better.

...


I find I am much better at writing out what I feel and need to convey as a whole picture, than speaking it. I guess I am more complex than your normal hit and run lot..lol... I get out of my own way this way..:biggrin:

With writing their is less visual interference for me, as a predominate visually stimulated processor, the very subtle visual cues strike me like a match at times, add to that being a highly sensitive empath, where you feel things deeply, holding your own space is easy, being immersed in all this with others is often more difficult when you know you have to connect and rely on them. Yes that part is the most difficult. You know their is no other way out of it in this view and being a peacemaker at heart, peace seeks itself in everyway of that space in wanting to be at peace in self. And of course others will come into that view with you in everyway of them as they are,when they are seeking it too..

Something always gets eaten up..

In the practice of voicing this awareness now into a more simplified state of being and becoming more open verbally. I guess like all things, when the match strikes and it burns up the bigger feast laid out on the table for them, eventually the table and feast transforms into a blade of grass and the cows eat you then..

Oh well...lol.

Nature doing what nature does..