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Davecal1991
16-11-2015, 10:16 AM
Don't even know where to start. I feel as if i have been going through this "Awakening/Spiritual Growth" for some time already, but i am unsure on how to explain what i am going through so please, bare with me. After my phase of psychedelic experiences and after my "one and only thus far" spiritually deep relationship "Which i do believe was my Twin Flame", my perception on life, on the world, and how i feel about myself have drastically changed. Before all that I was very much "plugged in" if you will and it seemed to be better for me, i felt happier. Ignorance is bliss right? Although I see and feel more than i ever, It's pain that i'm tired of feeling. I can't be in any random relationship anymore because most of the women that live in a 100 mile radius are too asleep and don't want to obtain the potential super being that we could. Not just women though, It's everybody and it hurts. It hurts because i see how being asleep is destroying our relationships with family, friends, complete strangers. I was a victim of this, I was hurtful, spiteful, vindictive, controlling, emotionally abusive to her and now i don't even get to see my child. I realize it was for the best "kinda" because of this new outlook. It does feel good to help a random person, give uplifting words to somebody that is down, to make somebody else smile at your behalf. At the end of the day i notice there was moments of great growth, but when i look in the mirror i still see a monster. I am a product of this western civilization which are the "Beast little monster" and i can't help but feel still trapped. I've been practicing Meditation for a couple years now, and although i feel the relaxation it gives and experience great moments of introspection, there is a wall i can't break through to dig deep enough. Once i notice i hit that wall i get angry, angry because i realize i am in the middle still. Trapped between this dreamworld and this awaken state of mind. I'm tired of feeling profound growth and immediately taken away because one moment of weakness "like a lash out at somebody". I realize there is more to us humans than we could ever know, and angers me that i'm the only one who feels it because i know not how to effectively communicate this to people, i just seem crazy and along with trying to explain simple conspiracy theories, "I'm a nut"... I was never anybody special and still not, so why do i feel this. There's no guidance without $$ it seems,even from the more "spiritually developed people". The world is evil right now and all i can focus on is what i can do to help. Ain't a damn thing though. Nobody will listen and nobody that has gone through this could effectively guide me, you, anybody through these steps. We are left alone trying to communicate through forums and then walk alone :( One of my favorite bands said this "If you're conscience you must be depressed or cynical" I'm tired of feeling the depressed part, it's just turning into anger. Then again i could be just acting like a little Biotch and i need to man up like everyone says.... Any thoughts please


I hope i'm not the only one

Baile
16-11-2015, 01:38 PM
One's 20s are a strange time. Very difficult as one is still functioning in a kind of youthful naivety (dreamworld), but at the same time having to struggle with the concrete realities of living and surviving in a cold and uncaring society. My anger and depression during those years had much to do with all the many injustices of life, along with the general stupidity and dishonesty of most people. In my case, it took until my 40s before I understood that I could free myself from that ugly place, simply by recognizing it for the complete waste of time it is. Directing even one ounce of worry and concern about others and the way they are, is wasting one's time. It's not just participating in the madness, it's making the madness one's reality. There is nothing one has to explain or prove to anyone. Our sense of self and belonging is not dependent on what others think of us, or whether or not they listen to us or agree with our ideas. I have a new opportunity each day to create a joyful and fulfilling relationship with life. Whether I do or not is entirely up to me. If I believe the world is evil, then that's the world I step into each morning.

Life is growth, and experiencing life difficulties is part of that growth. Realizing this is all just part of the incarnation state, is spiritual understanding. Accepting life and life's difficulties as a soul-spirit process that leads one to higher and deeper levels of self-realization, is spiritual awakening and development.

Jyotir
16-11-2015, 02:50 PM
Hi Dave,

In some sense 'waking up' is painful because we see - coming out of the false oblivion of 'ignorance is bliss' (it's not) - we see the disparity for the 'first' time and realize how much, how large, how profound the possibilities are. And that evident gulf of disparity seems daunting and therefore can be frustrating. But it is also an unprecedented blessing.

This is where it is good to seek the council of others who have tread that Path prior and to begin to utilize what among those offerings will work best for you at the moment.

One clue is that things which are truly universal and eternal will be found in all traditions only perhaps in different forms.

So get to work!

And congratulations on recognizing a new orientation to the meaning, and significance of life.

~ J

Thunder Bow
16-11-2015, 04:08 PM
Your problem seems medical rather than spiritual. Anger and depression goes together well. See a doctor and get a referal to see a therapist. You might have some brain damage due any psychodellic drugs you may have taken in the past.

Baile
16-11-2015, 04:46 PM
You might have some brain damage due any psychodellic drugs you may have taken in the past.Depression is one thing yes, but brain damage? That's quite a leap. Someone got angry the other day when I suggested he was maybe suffering from depression, you're fortunate you didn't post in that thread! :)

Lorelyen
16-11-2015, 05:03 PM
Your problem seems medical rather than spiritual. Anger and depression goes together well. See a doctor and get a referal to see a therapist. You might have some brain damage due any psychodellic drugs you may have taken in the past.

It's certainly true that psychedelic experiences can leave a residual effect particularly if one such was a "bad trip". The effect can be felt for years so I understand and unless someone is mentally strong, there's the possibility of one's mentality becoming more tunnelled with a withdrawal from ordinary interactions, a deterioration. Having experienced an awkward patch during an experience I do know what that's like, completely unable to communicate the isolation. Words don't make sense. Time doesn't make sense. (In my situation residual judgement told me that I'd eventually move into something more "in touch" - but you know what that's like - a second can seem to last a century).

My only suggestions are 1) loads more contemplation, not just of the present and the events perceived to be leading up to it but a remoter past when things felt "normal". Otherwise 2) some kind of therapeutic help.

Daveaal, It'll be difficult for anyone here to come up with a regime to guide you out of this because if nothing else it's going to take time (as in weeks, moths) so continuity may be lost.

...

Silver
16-11-2015, 05:12 PM
You sound normal to me, Dave. Seriously.

Lorelyen
16-11-2015, 05:47 PM
On Mt Shasta, anything is normal....

:wink:

Cmt12
16-11-2015, 06:33 PM
Here are my thoughts:

-As we grow more aware of our past shortcomings, we project the accompanied feelings of anger and betrayal we feel about ourselves toward others and society in general. Try to leave people alone; you may feel like you are in a position to help but the best thing you can do is to continue to focus on yourself.

-Spiritual development is a long process and it gets more difficult along the way, requiring more from us as we pursue it. Frustration at times is expected but understand, the part of you that feels frustrated, that questions and criticizes the whole thing, is not what has allowed you to grow, but is what is working against you.

-The part of us that works for our growth is resolute, faithful, and quiet. It doesn't judge or speculate. A switch to this mindset can reduce your rant to the realization that you are not where you want to be yet and continue to move forward.

Mr Interesting
16-11-2015, 07:05 PM
I am a humble man, and excuse me for saying that.

My nearest and dearest seem bent towards that which I do as worthless and without support in this world where they are at pains to create a strident sense of the unassailable which will hold them safe against the attacks which wear away at these defences.

But I see such beauty and feel such joy all around me that I have ample time and energy to help where I can and cherishably it always seems to suit my talents.

And they all grumble and are scathing but that is their business whilst mine, if any. is to see the cracks and stand for the unguarded silliness and the possibilities of an easy jocularity and those cracks appear with a willingness to please in simple ways that make smiles.

I cannot and will not sway them to my cause for it is mine alone. My inner voice speaks quieter and and so I must be ever more quiet myself for that is a heart beating. A song sung maybe I will only ever hear though it does seem to find a way to be heard beyond me, it's soft melodies appear in the corners and frolic, and I am grateful.

Davecal1991
16-11-2015, 08:21 PM
Thank you, all of you for even taking time. You all have gave me much to think about, even the brain damage ideas. Even if it is damage or it it's true growth, either there's much growth to do and much to learn out of both situations. Compared to someone that is 40, I see this is relatively new still and there is much more to the journey. I am only 23" feeling kinda old already" but the walk has only started. It is comforting to know there are people that feel similar now in the past, just doing it alone is tough, but you all understand that. Would anybody like to share any books, teachers, videos. Anything that would help to show other's journeys or feeling on the idea.

Davecal1991
16-11-2015, 08:42 PM
Just reading over everything again, thank you all for your input!!

The Back Seat
16-11-2015, 09:03 PM
Gandhi said "be the change you want to see" or something like that.
Maybe the trick is not to tell people how to be connected, but to show them through your own actions. By being connected while you are around others you may help them find their own way.