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View Full Version : I Am Foolish And I Am Paying The Price


MOLA
22-10-2015, 10:44 AM
Hello.

First of all, I'd like to say that please bear with me on this post. I am an individual who expresses himself through writing and by writing this post, I'd be releasing pent up feelings that I've been containing to myself for the course of around 5-6 months.

It will be a long read. This is a story of how I arguably may have shot myself in the foot in life.

2015 is a and has been a roller-coaster of a ride for me.

The year started out strong for me. The beginning of the year, I met someone who I believe could change me for the better (and she has). Not only that, I am employed in an office as an assistant to (quite possibly) my Twin Flame. In addition to that, I am waiting for my last year in college/university and things looked pretty bright. I was at the height of maturing; I had my own job that looked to be going somewhere, in my last year of college, was saving up, and was fulfilled socially. I was in control of my own life and I was loving it, despite the obstacles that were there.

The next few months afterwards were a bit rough for me. I was losing control of my life but I still had a grip over it. My mother came back from US and then the micromanaging of my life began all over again. (I separated from her for a good 5 year because I wanted to avoid the micromanaging and to find out about life on my own) My mother came back, met with my (then girlfriend), my girlfriend moved in with me, but I still had my job. My college, though, was falling apart because I was too busy with my job (it was demanding mentally).

Fast forward a few months later, somehow, someway, I allowed myself to turn my back on my words; that I would never go back to US. But then it happened! I was en route to move to US to start a new life right after my birthday.

Then I lost control of everything. My college would have to be transferred, which means I'd be wasting more time on college when I should've finished it later on this year. I lost control of my relationship because of god the many things that was going on through my mind at the time. I lost my job (well I left) because it started to becoming a poison in my life and it was time to move on.

Then I moved on to the US. Things started becoming more and more hectic to me. I lost control of my relationship to the point of no return. I lost control of my daily life and I was essentially a robot. I lost more control of my college because it turns out I have to wait an additional one year to attend college and god knows how many more years I have to wait before I graduate. Basically, I'm wasting around 2 more years just for college.

The micromanaging of my life is increasing. Now its not just my mother, but my step-father, her cousins are all in on micromanaging my life because they think its best. And when I try to voice my discomfort in their method of trying to guide me into the right way, they claim that I don't know what I'm talking about. Excuse me? My life and I'm being told what I should like and I don't? Wow.

So it's gotten so bad that I couldn't even think straight. So I immediately booked myself a ticket back to Indonesia to just...relax? To find myself? To collect myself and to regain that vigor of life. When they first realize that I've booked myself a ticket back home, I'm faced with obstacles. Petty obstacles. But in the end I won the fight and was able to come back home.

But it turns out my aunt wants to go back to Indonesia in the same flight as me. She deliberately wants to be on the same flight as me. So my wish of wanting time alone from family has been..ruined from the start already? God I can't believe this.

Now here I am. In my home country again. In my old home. The difference is I don't have a car. I could have my old job back if I wanted to (my former boss is willing to take me back), just that transportation is an issue. I am reuniting with my friends and gaining my social life back. My sense of control is back and I am alone again. Just the way I like it.

In a month, I may have to go back to the US for a better life. But here I am, praying that somehow, someway, I'll find a way to stay here. To retain my life. I may as well die in control then living a life with no control, no?


Thank you for reading. :)

Shaunc
22-10-2015, 11:05 AM
Good luck brother. Thinking about you.

MOLA
22-10-2015, 12:16 PM
Where I'm going, I will need it. Thank you :hug3:

loopylucid
22-10-2015, 01:57 PM
You've taken brave steps to regain empowerment, life may well leave it until the 11th hour, it can seem, to give you what you need, but hold on in there, I truly believe when we give over our trust to the universe like this, make as much effort as we can, no matter how small we may perceive it to be, we're listened to and with a great big sigh of relief, we get where we need to be, keep the faith, hold on in there and don't give up your hearts dreams, I wish you all the best, remember, sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together, keep going, keep smiling, no matter how messy it can seem , trust your journey, own your process and love will lead the way. Good luck, keep us updated :)
Loopy

Mira1987
23-10-2015, 03:42 AM
Life doesn't always give us what we ask or want except we go for it. I was once in a very difficult situation were i couldn't find someone to truly love me and i was almost frustrated but thank God i met a woman who directed me to a powerful woman who helped her brought back her husband who left her for years. She helped me and am glad i found the love of my life. So don't give up ok

MOLA
23-10-2015, 04:29 AM
You've taken brave steps to regain empowerment, life may well leave it until the 11th hour, it can seem, to give you what you need, but hold on in there, I truly believe when we give over our trust to the universe like this, make as much effort as we can, no matter how small we may perceive it to be, we're listened to and with a great big sigh of relief, we get where we need to be, keep the faith, hold on in there and don't give up your hearts dreams, I wish you all the best, remember, sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together, keep going, keep smiling, no matter how messy it can seem , trust your journey, own your process and love will lead the way. Good luck, keep us updated :)
Loopy

Yes. I agree that this time, I should let go and let the universe control the flow of things. However, I am taking control and responsibilities of not returning back to the US to be with my family. I am standing strong and with my own two feet. If i fall, so be it. If i rise, so be it. :) :hug3:

MOLA
23-10-2015, 04:35 AM
Life doesn't always give us what we ask or want except we go for it. I was once in a very difficult situation were i couldn't find someone to truly love me and i was almost frustrated but thank God i met a woman who directed me to a powerful woman who helped her brought back her husband who left her for years. She helped me and am glad i found the love of my life. So don't give up ok

I'm not regretting my relationship or the fact that it failed. No. I just regret my decision to let go of control of my own life. Had I not turned my back on my words, I'd only have a failed relationship but would still have control over everything else.

And I've fallen with another person at this point but completely being unattached to it because I feel it might not go anywhere.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I won't give up and I'll fight even if it kills me. :)

*sorry for the double post, I'm on my phone*

engellstein
23-10-2015, 05:48 AM
Nice story. You know some people would love to just jump on a plane and fly across the world like that. I'm a US citizen - supposedly rolling in the money according to non-US citizens - and I can barely pay to drive a few hours away from home.

The underlying theme I'm picking up from your story is that you're in the habit of giving your power away. You have the mindset that things outside of you happen to you. That's not how it works.

The way it works is you start off with a disempowering mindset, and then you attract disempowering circumstances that fall in line with what you expect.

I guarantee you if you take your power back people around you will treat you different and better circumstances will present themselves.

You expected your gf to change you, you feared your mother and family to control you, you looked at everything around you from the point of view of it all going wrong.

You have to change yourself. You have to control yourself. And while bad things are happening around you there are also good things but you filter them out. Filter out the bad things and only look for the good.

Belle
23-10-2015, 06:19 AM
I'm still learning these very lessons. I surrender control and then get micromanaged. I pray you will find people who will want you to fly in life - fly free. But will also catch you if you fall, and that you will allow your friends to fly and also catch them if they fall.

Belle
23-10-2015, 06:20 AM
PS, change your mantra.

Instead of "I am foolish and am paying the price" what about "i am learning and making progress and am in control of my life".

I am sure someone can do these better than me.

Deepsoul
23-10-2015, 07:05 AM
I dont think your foolish just trying to get by like the rest of us ,sounds like your where you want to be for now, so enjoy Molatee, sometimes the path is a bit windy, even mistakes can take us where we need to be, though not always the best we are simply human.....the good price of faith lost is that it can be found again....:)

MOLA
23-10-2015, 04:18 PM
I'm still learning these very lessons. I surrender control and then get micromanaged. I pray you will find people who will want you to fly in life - fly free. But will also catch you if you fall, and that you will allow your friends to fly and also catch them if they fall.

I do allow friends to fly and I do pick them up. But I also warn them beforehand of what they will go through. I am trying to spread my wings and I may see some chains before I actually get free.

Mr Interesting
24-10-2015, 10:50 PM
I came here before but forgot and came back again because 'I am foolish and I am paying the price' looked like fun... As I read it it just felt like exactly what I'm doing, and while I kinda knew it wasn't like how I see it I was kinda hoping it was... how I see it.

I'm entirely foolish and love the cost... I can't fill up my pockets fast enough to pay out the dividends wanted then wonder why nobody seem's to want to grab the cash... weird.

It's like every morning I wake up and wonder how off the beaten track I can possibly go and then be entirely surprised, at the end of each day, that it was actually a shortcut to going way out front. It's not that I try to get lost but I really enjoy being lost as in 'how did I get here, where am I actually, and how does it relate to where I might have thought I was going... about which time I just manage to go about enjoying the scenery and it's always good, I suppose, because it's always brand new, which is about the time I seem to remember where I am is the best place to be and kinda, boom, boom, boom, everything drops into place and I'm way out front again.

Now I suppose I got to tie the proverbial knot and have some actual reason for being here and offer some advice or whatnot, and maybe I already have, hand over the present of my present wisdom... I kinda like micro manage though, those little details as it were when we manage to be micro.
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y115/quickkiwi/clasp_zpslg9xxz2x.jpg

This photo is part of a cabinet I spent two days lazily making thinking I needed it then when I finally finished and hauled it to where I wanted it I realised it was stupid. Not the cabinet itself but me for thinking it'd work where I had decided it would go. I'd made it for right beside my door into my house and as soon as it was in place it was like taking up space I actually wanted to be, and prefer, empty, but I didn't see it 'till I took the time to build what I didn't actually want... foolish and stupid.

But then again it really was a joy building it especially at the end when I had a space I needed to build a door for and looked down and there was the back of a microwave I'd hauled out from somewhere else and placed next to where I was working with absolutely no idea why except it looked good somehow... and when I lifted it up with a solid wish that it would actually fit where I couldn't actually be bothered cutting something to fit it did... exactly! Then I needed a 'hold the door shut thingy' and was like 'oh no, not more work' 'cause I do have to do things properly, and kinda going through the motions of accepted answers to problems I suddenly grabbed an old bronze window clasp and it felt so good in my hand it was going to be used no matter what.

This is where the micro manage thing comes in 'cause I'd somewhat driven myself to the extreme edge of a cliff by using all this stuff which is usually the last stuff ever used and could either completely wreck everything with some stupid cumbersome eyesore as the only way to make the sheet metal door and the bronze clasp work... or wait for the entirely brand new and sparkly, yet totally elegant, flourish that looked as if I'd actually planned it previous to getting myself into the bind I was in.

And see that little piece of dark wood? That's it.

(edit) Oops, forgot the clincher, well I didn't because that's the little dark wood thing (every clasp needs a clinch)... anyways, the big cabinet is made and is for sale. Then I went and spent ten minutes making what I now know I needed. Maybe that's the art of it. Not that we don't make mistakes but that we can sell them on.

Belle
25-10-2015, 08:13 PM
I do allow friends to fly and I do pick them up. But I also warn them beforehand of what they will go through. I am trying to spread my wings and I may see some chains before I actually get free.

Sounds good, yes it's likely that there are some who won't want you to fly free but stay strong and focused. There are those in my life who don't want me to be free. Their loss!