MOLA
22-10-2015, 10:44 AM
Hello.
First of all, I'd like to say that please bear with me on this post. I am an individual who expresses himself through writing and by writing this post, I'd be releasing pent up feelings that I've been containing to myself for the course of around 5-6 months.
It will be a long read. This is a story of how I arguably may have shot myself in the foot in life.
2015 is a and has been a roller-coaster of a ride for me.
The year started out strong for me. The beginning of the year, I met someone who I believe could change me for the better (and she has). Not only that, I am employed in an office as an assistant to (quite possibly) my Twin Flame. In addition to that, I am waiting for my last year in college/university and things looked pretty bright. I was at the height of maturing; I had my own job that looked to be going somewhere, in my last year of college, was saving up, and was fulfilled socially. I was in control of my own life and I was loving it, despite the obstacles that were there.
The next few months afterwards were a bit rough for me. I was losing control of my life but I still had a grip over it. My mother came back from US and then the micromanaging of my life began all over again. (I separated from her for a good 5 year because I wanted to avoid the micromanaging and to find out about life on my own) My mother came back, met with my (then girlfriend), my girlfriend moved in with me, but I still had my job. My college, though, was falling apart because I was too busy with my job (it was demanding mentally).
Fast forward a few months later, somehow, someway, I allowed myself to turn my back on my words; that I would never go back to US. But then it happened! I was en route to move to US to start a new life right after my birthday.
Then I lost control of everything. My college would have to be transferred, which means I'd be wasting more time on college when I should've finished it later on this year. I lost control of my relationship because of god the many things that was going on through my mind at the time. I lost my job (well I left) because it started to becoming a poison in my life and it was time to move on.
Then I moved on to the US. Things started becoming more and more hectic to me. I lost control of my relationship to the point of no return. I lost control of my daily life and I was essentially a robot. I lost more control of my college because it turns out I have to wait an additional one year to attend college and god knows how many more years I have to wait before I graduate. Basically, I'm wasting around 2 more years just for college.
The micromanaging of my life is increasing. Now its not just my mother, but my step-father, her cousins are all in on micromanaging my life because they think its best. And when I try to voice my discomfort in their method of trying to guide me into the right way, they claim that I don't know what I'm talking about. Excuse me? My life and I'm being told what I should like and I don't? Wow.
So it's gotten so bad that I couldn't even think straight. So I immediately booked myself a ticket back to Indonesia to just...relax? To find myself? To collect myself and to regain that vigor of life. When they first realize that I've booked myself a ticket back home, I'm faced with obstacles. Petty obstacles. But in the end I won the fight and was able to come back home.
But it turns out my aunt wants to go back to Indonesia in the same flight as me. She deliberately wants to be on the same flight as me. So my wish of wanting time alone from family has been..ruined from the start already? God I can't believe this.
Now here I am. In my home country again. In my old home. The difference is I don't have a car. I could have my old job back if I wanted to (my former boss is willing to take me back), just that transportation is an issue. I am reuniting with my friends and gaining my social life back. My sense of control is back and I am alone again. Just the way I like it.
In a month, I may have to go back to the US for a better life. But here I am, praying that somehow, someway, I'll find a way to stay here. To retain my life. I may as well die in control then living a life with no control, no?
Thank you for reading. :)
First of all, I'd like to say that please bear with me on this post. I am an individual who expresses himself through writing and by writing this post, I'd be releasing pent up feelings that I've been containing to myself for the course of around 5-6 months.
It will be a long read. This is a story of how I arguably may have shot myself in the foot in life.
2015 is a and has been a roller-coaster of a ride for me.
The year started out strong for me. The beginning of the year, I met someone who I believe could change me for the better (and she has). Not only that, I am employed in an office as an assistant to (quite possibly) my Twin Flame. In addition to that, I am waiting for my last year in college/university and things looked pretty bright. I was at the height of maturing; I had my own job that looked to be going somewhere, in my last year of college, was saving up, and was fulfilled socially. I was in control of my own life and I was loving it, despite the obstacles that were there.
The next few months afterwards were a bit rough for me. I was losing control of my life but I still had a grip over it. My mother came back from US and then the micromanaging of my life began all over again. (I separated from her for a good 5 year because I wanted to avoid the micromanaging and to find out about life on my own) My mother came back, met with my (then girlfriend), my girlfriend moved in with me, but I still had my job. My college, though, was falling apart because I was too busy with my job (it was demanding mentally).
Fast forward a few months later, somehow, someway, I allowed myself to turn my back on my words; that I would never go back to US. But then it happened! I was en route to move to US to start a new life right after my birthday.
Then I lost control of everything. My college would have to be transferred, which means I'd be wasting more time on college when I should've finished it later on this year. I lost control of my relationship because of god the many things that was going on through my mind at the time. I lost my job (well I left) because it started to becoming a poison in my life and it was time to move on.
Then I moved on to the US. Things started becoming more and more hectic to me. I lost control of my relationship to the point of no return. I lost control of my daily life and I was essentially a robot. I lost more control of my college because it turns out I have to wait an additional one year to attend college and god knows how many more years I have to wait before I graduate. Basically, I'm wasting around 2 more years just for college.
The micromanaging of my life is increasing. Now its not just my mother, but my step-father, her cousins are all in on micromanaging my life because they think its best. And when I try to voice my discomfort in their method of trying to guide me into the right way, they claim that I don't know what I'm talking about. Excuse me? My life and I'm being told what I should like and I don't? Wow.
So it's gotten so bad that I couldn't even think straight. So I immediately booked myself a ticket back to Indonesia to just...relax? To find myself? To collect myself and to regain that vigor of life. When they first realize that I've booked myself a ticket back home, I'm faced with obstacles. Petty obstacles. But in the end I won the fight and was able to come back home.
But it turns out my aunt wants to go back to Indonesia in the same flight as me. She deliberately wants to be on the same flight as me. So my wish of wanting time alone from family has been..ruined from the start already? God I can't believe this.
Now here I am. In my home country again. In my old home. The difference is I don't have a car. I could have my old job back if I wanted to (my former boss is willing to take me back), just that transportation is an issue. I am reuniting with my friends and gaining my social life back. My sense of control is back and I am alone again. Just the way I like it.
In a month, I may have to go back to the US for a better life. But here I am, praying that somehow, someway, I'll find a way to stay here. To retain my life. I may as well die in control then living a life with no control, no?
Thank you for reading. :)