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View Full Version : Struggling with my self and peoples perception of me


nothingexpert
10-10-2015, 02:01 PM
Hopefully I can articulate my problem properly... Any input is much appreciated. Okay, I'm sure everyone felt this way at some stage or another but I really feel like I don't know myself and what's stopping me from figuring it out seems to be feeling judged about it... I don't like the idea that I might come off as annoying, stupid, over the top, selfish, weird ect and for so long I've been hiding aspects of myself that might convey this image to others that I don't even know how to be myself anymore, I'm not very good at conversation unless it's on a more personal level and if I am unfamiliar with someone I tend to try and keep the conversation about them. I don't know how to act in groups of more than one person because it's not a setting where it's appropriate to be asking personal questions. People think I'm rude sometimes because I just can't bring myself to talk, greeting and saying good bye takes so much effort, I feel fake when I say thank you and try to be polite... This sounds more like a diary entry than a post on spirituality but my whole life revolves around spirituality and not everyone wants to hear it but it's almost like it's all I know... Other than a small few other controversial topics which I am to anxious to ever bring up. Can anyone relate or does anyone have a method of dealing with such an issue?

Thunder Bow
10-10-2015, 03:47 PM
You seem to be an authentic person, and chit-chat does not fit you. Do not judge yourself on this. Be proud of yourself, and feel free to post your deeper thoughts here.

Mr Interesting
10-10-2015, 06:45 PM
I had to go buy milk yesterday and the place where it's cheap is really crowded on Saturdays and I was still in my work pajamas but I went anyways. My work pajamas is kinda how I wander about at home and they are basically a set of ripped and torn and dirty rags that both keep me warm enough and allow movement but heaven forbid I go out in public in them... but I do occasionally.

So I was well lucky and got straight to a checkout and said 'Howdy' to the two young girls and they liked that with one even saying 'Oh, I like that, why do you say that?' and I replied 'because I'm a cowboy' and then she said 'and how do cowboy's say goodbye' to which I honestly didn't have an answer... but then one popped into my head, ' Cowboys don't say goodbye, they just leave.' and I did.

Struggle away by all means, not to belittle such, but it's kinda like brer rabbit in the briar patch... sort of, because you come into your own through that struggle as an almost necessary part, a tempering of sorts, as you come to realise how much that awkwardness is actually appreciated as an honest gesture of self... it so loosens up the whole tightness even while it seems a tightness in itself... a tightness that requires looseness to keep balance... it's fun, and it'll find you as much as you'll find it.

Because on the outside looking in it does look like people have become something more, something more refined and other than what they might have been but it's not really that at all so much as them finding the resilience and braveness to just be themselves and that's what actually makes the shine, the willingness, as it were, which everybody wants but doesn't know until they see someone just being awkward and confident in being whatever they actually are.

Lorelyen
10-10-2015, 09:31 PM
Some years ago now I had dealings with "Social Services". I was allocated a children's officer who cut an almost stereotypical image - a tweed suit, sensible lace-up shoes, a string of pearls over her jumper - probably fake but that didn't matter. She was strict, admonishing me to behave myself and I was (so she said) intelligent and should be able to benefit by a new start. She always looked at me over her glasses.

She noted that I was (in the vernacular) anti-social but she understood why. She said with her air of authority: "If you don't want to mix - don't mix." And that was it. I've never been a good mixer outside the milieu I developed over time. But I think that lady gave me assurance that it was all right to be myself and don't be too sensitive about what others thought of me. In a way, it gave me the space to become myself.

I was already curious about "spirituality" and the release let me pursue my early awakenings without worry about the chiding or query I'd get from people around me. Where I wanted to be different, I was able to pursue that from the inside outward.

Over the years one cultivates a circle of people in tune with oneself. So I'd suggest try to be polite - acknowledge people but don't worry too much about getting more involved, and just let yourself grow. To quote another forum member: out of the confusion clarity will emerge.

:::::

Dwerg
11-10-2015, 06:16 PM
If it helps I really like when people greet, say goodbye and talk about things they like. What I do not like (yes we all judge) is when people complain, talk about things they hate and generally just give off a lot of negativity. I can tolerate it to some degree, but I will use any way of stopping it before it really grips me. Some people might think I'm judging them in much worse ways than I actually am, but mostly I can't know because they rarely tell me. If they don't tell me I'm not given the opportunity to clarify anything and potentially resolve bad feelings.

It's not shameful to not feel like you know yourself, anyone judging you harshly for it is well in the wrong. All the things you fear coming off as is more likely to happen if you fear it and eventually do act. There's also no recipe for not coming off those ways, people judge differently.

Now to method of dealing with it I can only go so far in giving you one, I'm familiar with the issue and believe I've found a sustainable solution. To open up you can't fear negative judgement, you'll be judged regardless of what you say or do. You'll also have to make sure you yourself understand the criticism given, what they mean and why they say it. If you don't understand then ask questions to clarify it to yourself, if they won't answer properly then they aren't cooperating and neither should you. Use criticism as a feedback system for self-improvement. There's one thing to be cautious of in doing this, that's to not over-work yourself and burn out. To prevent that you have to always check your own stress level, if it's too high start putting the least important challenges on hold and focus on the most important ones. If you have energy left over then start working on the next challenge in line, don't stop as minor things may grow into huge problems later on.

Personally I adjust what I talk about depending on who I talk to. Like I enjoy talking about physics, but I'm not doing that with my girlfriend because she knows nothing about it and isn't interested in it. I can talk to other people about that. Topics I generally always avoid or treat extremely carefully is politics, religion, conspiracies and other widely sensitive subjects. There's many too strong and varying opinions about it to be practically useful for anything, there's easier ways to get along with people and actually fulfill the goals of those subject. I like doing over just talking about doing, sometimes the doing is talking though.

It's hard to talk to people if you don't know yourself, because you won't know what interests you. I do know what interests me, what I like talking about and doing. What I do then is to find people with common interests and talk about that common interest, if someone is disinterested in listening I become disinterested in talking. You might have to do some exploring to discover your interests, there's unfortunately no method other than reading your feelings to exploring. Only you can know what you feel good and bad about.

CrystalSong
11-10-2015, 06:27 PM
You seem to have a good grip on the type of social situations that you flourish in. For now this is You. Love it, accept it and flower in it.

If in time you decide to try other types of social situations with more people in them - then do that too.

Stay in flow with yourself, be kind to you. Don't make yourself do things which bring you down, that is not being loving to yourself.

Every 7-10 years we go through major personality changes, we do new things, run with new people, try new hobbies... allow each stage of your life with loving grace and allow that which no longer serves to fall away and embrace the new with enjoyment.

Change WILL HAPPEN, no need to force it. Love where you are. Gift yourself with Self Acceptance :)

PassionOfHybrid
11-10-2015, 06:28 PM
Push yourself and do it. change for the better. adapt without losing yourself.It can work.

you can possibly handle these situations better, if you'd just allow yourself. Don't settle for being less.


Been through something similar.They get annoyed when you don't talk because they're a little insecure and feel like you might think you're better than them. It's not you, it's them. But we can lighten up a little, and not play the loner all the time.

Dwerg
11-10-2015, 08:59 PM
Push yourself and do it. change for the better. adapt without losing yourself.It can work.

you can possibly handle these situations better, if you'd just allow yourself. Don't settle for being less.


Been through something similar.They get annoyed when you don't talk because they're a little insecure and feel like you might think you're better than them. It's not you, it's them. But we can lighten up a little, and not play the loner all the time.
Careful about telling people to push themselves please, chances are they're pushing too hard and they struggle because of it. Telling someone to change for the better is like saying they need to change because they're not good enough, not particularly motivating and in the situation of identity crisis it only adds more stress. He/she is struggling to find him/herself, there's no self to lose.

Saying people are insecure because they get annoyed at someone not talking or responding is no better than the other point of view. That is saying people are insecure because they don't talk or respond. Saying it's not you, it's them is just to shift blame for an uncomfortable situation. Everyone is insecure about some things at some times, I get insecure several times a day without it being a personality trait. Being insecure is the same as being unsure, simply that you you're not sure about something which is a good thing to avoid assuming and then giving incorrect information (fancy talk for ignorant lies). They're not thinking that you think you're better than them, you're thinking that about them because they are better than you and you're the one being insecure. Projecting it onto them is your way of coping with it, been there and done that myself.

If you do notice the other person being insecure as you define it, the proactive solution is to clarify as soon you notice it. Unless you wish the other person to believe you're arrogant and at the same time feel insecure, none of you wins on that though.

Conversation is best on a mutual benefit level, do simply not engage in imbalanced conversations. Practice quality of conversation by conversing with yourself, you'll very very quickly see what feels good and what doesn't, what's true and what isn't about how people feel.

This is meant as constructive criticism, I believe it can benefit both OP and you.

Mr Interesting
11-10-2015, 09:12 PM
BUT I really feel like I don't know myself and what's stopping me from figuring it out seems to be feeling judged about it...

Now we've got to the stage where a bunch of us have made suggestions either how we've approached such things or how you might review being what you are maybe it's time to look at essentials. Firstly there's the But. Whenever I use but I know I'm kinda making excuses... as in I'd like to do or be this, or this is this and not that... but.

So I then almost force myself at looking at the two sides where I've ended up with a but in the middle and it always tends to be a fulcrum of some sort which hints at a balance trying to be somehow forced upon a situation or circumstance... and it's such a tiny little word 'But' it seems to be of so much consequence.

Even before we take on that mighty mountain... what's on the front side of this particular but, what about the excuse part (generally that which comes after the but) which is, my reckoning, I don't even know myself and against that there seems to be a tendency for others to know what that actually is so not only do I have to contend which what I don't know something is 'but' there are outside influences determining what isn't yet something I can see to already be something.

And the point is that is that questions can be pulled apart and analysed until they become absurd but within that absurdity we can get to the heart of the matter and hopefully think about why we might even be asking the questions to ascertain why the question itself might even be relevant never mind finding a solution to a question that isn't necessarily getting at the heart of what we're pondering.

That's why 'Occam's Razor' is so neato and it kinda simply states that the best solution is the simplest and is often only found to be so when orders of complexity take the whole problem out of possibility and become problems in and of themselves. But to go further that simplest solution is interesting because we then ask what it is in us that requires solutions be complex... which is why I often try to take the shortcut to absurdity and then wonder if the question itself is actually what I'm asking.

And now we kinda get to the bit before the but... the place where yes we might have all been there but aren't anymore because we figured something out or found something, a perspective of sorts, which basically let out throw out that problem for what might be an actually more valid problem, or even just give up on having problems altogether.... wouldn't that be nice?

I know I'm just going all over the place but essentially that's what I like doing. I quite like problems but I much prefer problems that suit me and maybe that's what alot of it is all about, not necessarily finding out who you are but finding a way to have that question be a lucrative pastime.

PassionOfHybrid
11-10-2015, 10:31 PM
Careful about telling people to push themselves please, chances are they're pushing too hard and they struggle because of it. Telling someone to change for the better is like saying they need to change because they're not good enough, not particularly motivating and in the situation of identity crisis it only adds more stress. He/she is struggling to find him/herself, there's no self to lose.

Saying people are insecure because they get annoyed at someone not talking or responding is no better than the other point of view. That is saying people are insecure because they don't talk or respond. Saying it's not you, it's them is just to shift blame for an uncomfortable situation. Everyone is insecure about some things at some times, I get insecure several times a day without it being a personality trait. Being insecure is the same as being unsure, simply that you you're not sure about something which is a good thing to avoid assuming and then giving incorrect information (fancy talk for ignorant lies). They're not thinking that you think you're better than them, you're thinking that about them because they are better than you and you're the one being insecure. Projecting it onto them is your way of coping with it, been there and done that myself.

If you do notice the other person being insecure as you define it, the proactive solution is to clarify as soon you notice it. Unless you wish the other person to believe you're arrogant and at the same time feel insecure, none of you wins on that though.

Conversation is best on a mutual benefit level, do simply not engage in imbalanced conversations. Practice quality of conversation by conversing with yourself, you'll very very quickly see what feels good and what doesn't, what's true and what isn't about how people feel.

This is meant as constructive criticism, I believe it can benefit both OP and you.

Yeah, i did generalize there. Not ALL people who get offended are insecure.But it is true sometimes. My post lacked some compassion, and i see that.

Thing is, you have this thing about "winning", this is not about winning anything. It's about pushing yourself(even if a little) out of your comfort zone and experience. Some people get too comfortable in identifying as "introvert"(or any label) and become trapped within that identity and never want to leave it. That was the message i was trying to convey behind the post, but instead it served more as a "target" full of openings.

Also, your post,"unless you want others to think your arrogant" leads me to believe that you're considerate of the opinions of others have of you.If it's not true, if it's not helpful, then it's invalid.

And that statement you made about " do not engage in imbalanced conversations" sounds fearful.In order for you to determine if a conversation is imbalanced, you must actually GET UP and converse with the person to figure out such a thing.

You don't know who your enemy is until you actually have an EXPERIENCE with them. You don't know who's your friend until you actually have an EXPERIENCE with them. So, you, making up an excuse such as "they might push themselves too hard and struggle" sounds a little weak and pessimistic, that doesn't help bring anyone out of their shell.

Unless the person gives off strong negative vibes.But even so, this person might seem mean...but might turn out to be totally different from what you concluded in your mind.

Balance, spend time with yourself, but don't be afraid to converse with another.

Dwerg
11-10-2015, 10:51 PM
I agree with the experience stuff, what I meant about imbalance is when you notice yourself almost taking advantage of someone or they taking advantage of you. You do indeed have to determine that after a conversation has started. Another way of saying it is to not engage in power struggles, leave before things get worse and keep cool.

I don't think of winning as in there's a winner and a loser in the sense I'm speaking. I meant that both people walk away with a feeling they have gained something, could be knowledge, friendship or anything really. That's a win-win situation, do not settle for losing to make the other win or to be unfair and win at the cost of others (without their consent).

It's possible to push too hard, the consequence is ending up burnt out and just going back to feeling unfocused, depleted, unmotivated and lost. General rule is to push when you have the energy for it and relax to charge up before you run out completely. Telling someone who already feels uncomfortable to push themselves out of the comfort zone isn't going to help though.

I've been in that place identifying as introverted, I've had yours and the problems described in the OP. I do understand this and I've spent a very very long time struggling to deal with it, there's no plain and simple solution as "push harder". That might seem logical, but my experience says otherwise as far as developing personally in a comfortable and human way goes.

Elric
11-10-2015, 11:13 PM
Hey Nothingexpert. 'To thine own self be true.'

As a clearer of negative entities, some think I'm a loony. Others fear me out of ignorance. And many religious folk who are blinded by false doctrine, like my parents, think I'm in league with the Dark Lord himself.
There's not much I can do about what others think of me, it's what I think of myself that matters. If others can't see me for who I am, then that's their problem, not mine : )

PassionOfHybrid
11-10-2015, 11:59 PM
I agree with the experience stuff, what I meant about imbalance is when you notice yourself almost taking advantage of someone or they taking advantage of you. You do indeed have to determine that after a conversation has started. Another way of saying it is to not engage in power struggles, leave before things get worse and keep cool.

I don't think of winning as in there's a winner and a loser in the sense I'm speaking. I meant that both people walk away with a feeling they have gained something, could be knowledge, friendship or anything really. That's a win-win situation, do not settle for losing to make the other win or to be unfair and win at the cost of others (without their consent).

It's possible to push too hard, the consequence is ending up burnt out and just going back to feeling unfocused, depleted, unmotivated and lost. General rule is to push when you have the energy for it and relax to charge up before you run out completely. Telling someone who already feels uncomfortable to push themselves out of the comfort zone isn't going to help though.

I've been in that place identifying as introverted, I've had yours and the problems described in the OP. I do understand this and I've spent a very very long time struggling to deal with it, there's no plain and simple solution as "push harder". That might seem logical, but my experience says otherwise as far as developing personally in a comfortable and human way goes.

It does help some people, but when you say it as if you're scolding the person, it has the opposite affect. I reflected something that I myself don't like.

But,you can learn from negative people, as i did, but you end up walking away when enough is enough.Perhaps, it's necessary to be around these people to learn self-worth and other things. BUT, it does not guarantee...I'm just speaking of my experiences. Honestly, I think the OP will learn things naturally. Some of us make the right choices, at the right times...

Also, I never used the phrase "pushing harder", but simply pushing yourself.I think that's what might have ticked you when you read my first post, by the way I made it sound so 'simple" and easy...and i understand how annoying that can be.And it did sound as if I was implying something negative about the OP.

Dwerg
12-10-2015, 12:43 AM
Oh, you're right, you didn't say pushing harder. It's not nescessary to be around negative people, but it's unavoidable unless you isolate yourself. The only thing I learned from such people is how not to be unless I want to make their complaints true for myself, and how to deal with it without making the same mistakes they make.

In any case I find it hard to imagine anyone managing to feel judged every single day for the rest of their lives, the problem will resolve one way or another, with or without help.

Btw, I appreciate your discussion style, we had a good talk there :smile: