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cvs
10-01-2011, 12:53 AM
There have been times in my life recently where I have not been able to eat, for lack of money. This can go on for weeks and months sometimes, living of scraps, and loosing a lot of weight. The strange this is, I find it empowering. I become so much more appreciative of the world, and so much more giving. I would even go to the extent of saying I inflict it upon myself, almost subconciously, like I am choosing it for myself. I was in this situation between November 2009 and June 2010, which was a very dark time for other reasons... and was a time that I was very alone and isolated, but it's like I managed to get through it with seemingly unlimited determination - and almost enjoyed it!!! I dont like being hungry.. I hate it... but like I say, I found it empowering. It was during this time that I worked a lot of things out, and became a better person.

I was in this situation again between mid-October and December 2010, but the strange thing is I saw it coming. I knew if i spent my money I would have to starve again, but I did it anyway. Like that was the only way it was ever going to be. I even had 3 something in the bank left, but kind of pretended I didnt and started it early!! I still had this 3 in the bank at the end of it.

Before this whole ordeal, I was somewhat troubled. Things didnt make much sense. Now, I am much clearer and focused - and more-over, a much better person. Its like my determination and integrity has been put to the test, and passed.

I was just wondering what people thought of this? Is it strange?

Personally it has been a dreadful yet wonderful experience - and appears to be what I needed.

tragblack
10-01-2011, 12:55 AM
I can relate to what you are describing. I am living in kind of frugal times, and I know what you mean about the gratitude you start to feel for everything, and the sense of pride that comes along with it... Perhaps it is the fact that I am trying to be as self-sufficient as possible?

However, even the Buddha begged...

cvs
10-01-2011, 01:19 AM
I am also very self-sufficient, sometimes maybe too much so. I could of told my parents I was struggling and they would have helped me. I think there are a few reasons why I didnt, and wouldnt:

1. I didnt want them to know I had spent all my money!
2. Its like it was something I wanted to do!!
3. Its a very personal experience. Its very difficult to explain..

When I do work for people (I am studying software engineering and also do a lot of web development and various forms of design work), I refuse payment, it just seems like the right thing to do. I dont think people should have to pay for my skills - Whats the point of having something if you dont share it? Here's the thing, I get so much more enjoyment and satisfaction from it that way! Not only that, but I get job after job after job and meet all sorts of people. I love it.

My best mate and I were talking about this recently, he said he didnt like seeing me with no money, when I could be getting paid. I tried, but I found it very difficult to explain why I prefer it this way.

I can tell that you understand, tragblack, which means something to me. Very much respect.

Ciqala
10-01-2011, 01:19 AM
What i think about this is, it sounds an awful like anorexia nervosa related thought process, thoughts that arrive, especially as a result of starvation, whereas limiting your intake of food becomes empowering, you come up with bold beliefs and excuses such as giving to the world and allowing your own self to starve, you find yourself empowered with this determined power stronger than anything, and you feel fabulous, strong, in control, with this determined power that feels exhilarating. One can go on for quite awhile with this power - but eventually it turns into no control at all and is destructing.
I may be wrong.

Self induced, or not, starving is completely destructive to anyone. The power you talk of, the desire to do so, that is all anorexia nervosa. The feel that what you do, is beneficial, and healthy, and making you a better person in the end. Anorexia nervosa, spiritually, is like a monstrous demon that can take complete control of your mind, make you feel entirely powerful, when in fact, its sole purpose is to weaken you in the end.
Be careful CVS, please do seek a therapist, and/or treatment.
In a spiritual sense, no good power, would want you to suffer as a result. The light and love of spirituality, would want you to take care of your body, as your body is a temple. The light and love of spirituality would not make you feel powerful over doing such a thing.
Anorexia is a horrible mental disease, i am recovering from it myself, as of now. I hope you seek help because i can relate to your post as in what i used to think in the past, and if this resides to you, in all honesty to yourself, you can pm me and i can help support you in your recovery.
i apologize if this sounds straightforward and blunt, but i take matters like this seriously and find it worrisome, and do not see your thought processes and actions to be a good thing.
you say you are doing okay now, perhaps you bit the monster in the butt sooner than most, i just hope you can confirm that more.
And self punishment is highly detrimental to spiritual growth.
i wish you only the best,

cvs
10-01-2011, 01:49 AM
I appreciate the time and thought you have put into that post ciqala, believe me I really do. I know how much you mean it, thank you.

You will be happy to know I have put on a lot of weight recently, mostly muscle but some fat as well, for my mixed martial arts.

During those times, it was because I had no money that I could not eat (more-so the first time than the last, I had no choice the first time round, as the bank ****ed me and left me in that situation - thanks halifax). The second time was also because I had no money, but I did kind of allow myself to get into that situation!

Also, I ate whenever I got the chance. I would get bits and bobs of money and buy very cheap bread, I think I worked out I was living off about 1 a week on average. The second time I had a little more support, but I admit that I didnt tell people the full extent of the situation or at all, because I dont like people having to babysit me. I can be very independent, which is no doubt a personally defect, but its just the way I am and always have been since I was born.. I dont like people giving me things, I find it difficult and feel almost guilty, like I dont deserve it. I love giving though.

Again, thank you so much for your concern ciqala. I think im ok. I was concerned for my health throughout it if it helps to put your mind at rest. I am only 20 so I didnt want to give myself any health problems for the future.

Gracey
10-01-2011, 01:51 AM
i am thinking of buddha going from fat to thin and all that and finding himself....

Ciqala
10-01-2011, 02:12 AM
I appreciate the time and thought you have put into that post ciqala, believe me I really do. I know how much you mean it, thank you.

You will be happy to know I have put on a lot of weight recently, mostly muscle but some fat as well, for my mixed martial arts.

During those times, it was because I had no money that I could not eat (more-so the first time than the last, I had no choice the first time round, as the bank ****ed me and left me in that situation - thanks halifax). The second time was also because I had no money, but I did kind of allow myself to get into that situation!

Also, I ate whenever I got the chance. I would get bits and bobs of money and buy very cheap bread, I think I worked out I was living off about 1 a week on average. The second time I had a little more support, but I admit that I didnt tell people the full extent of the situation or at all, because I dont like people having to babysit me. I can be very independent, which is no doubt a personally defect, but its just the way I am and always have been since I was born.. I dont like people giving me things, I find it difficult and feel almost guilty, like I dont deserve it. I love giving though.

Again, thank you so much for your concern ciqala. I think im ok. I was concerned for my health throughout it if it helps to put your mind at rest. I am only 20 so I didnt want to give myself any health problems for the future.

Ok, good to know, it was just what you said, about it feeling empowering, and you actually enjoying it, that worried me, and not caring to feed yourself.

Yeah, i know how it is to live on very little, and want to help people. Probably not in the same aspect of you. But i have been homeless in my past, i now live off of a disability welfare cheque, only have 200 dollars to live off of for a month. I understand the desire to be independent, i am naturally, but in my situation, my parents have to tend to my well being. Especially since i am trying to eat healthy now, and become healthy. I ruined my insides from starvation in my past. Recovery is when all the wounds come up to the surface. Basically, i need to have at least 1000 dollars a month in order to live right, and get all the necessities to get into health again. But, i can't even afford to be healthy.
My parents are having to pay for some things.
They got me off the streets in the first place. They ended up buying me a house. I'm only 22. They bought me a whole house, though i'm renting it from that, still at a very cheap price. I feel like my independence has been stolen from me, but if i decided to go back on the streets i would kill myself.
I am very thankful that my parents are trying to help me.

I suffer inside mainly because i know, there are people living like me, who do not have the support from their parents, and they are still on the streets. I have nothing to give them. I even tried to bring a whole bunch of furniture to a thrift store, yet they wouldn't take it. There is not much i can do, because i don't have money to just give people. My friends, who are on disability are suffering a lot worse than i. They need nutrition to function, especially those who have mental illnesses.
But what else can i do? I can't change the system. Can't change poverty. I have a friend who also suffers from the system, who is busting his *** to change things, he became a sovereign nation, and is now taking federal courts to court, taking the queen to court, taking the systems, and police to court, he's trying to make a difference in the world, all political like, to me, it seems kind of pointless, though admirable, personally, i wouldn't want to get underground associations after me. that is going to cause a lot of war. well i try to support him, but i'm kind of afraid of the outcome blowing up in his face in the end, so i refuse to take part in the political mess.
All i can do, is pray for them. I don't have anything to give, i live below poverty myself. Everything i have, including this lap top, were gifts from my parents... i've tried to give away objects, but no one even wants free stuff for some reason. and even thrift stores make me mad, you give them free stuff, and they make people pay for it. and since when does a person in need go to a thrift store. not around here. rich people go to thrift stores.
I live in gratitude for what i have. And i pray for those who don't have much.

Spiritlite
10-01-2011, 02:34 AM
As long as you are healthy and not starving yourself on purpose which it sounds like you're not then no what you are saying doesn't sound strange, and trust me I've been there where I've had NO money for certain things that make me end up being very appreciative for what I have.
Spiritlite.

cvs
10-01-2011, 02:49 AM
Ok, good to know, it was just what you said, about it feeling empowering, and you actually enjoying it, that worried me, and not caring to feed yourself.

Yeah, i know how it is to live on very little, and want to help people. Probably not in the same aspect of you. But i have been homeless in my past, i now live off of a disability welfare cheque, only have 200 dollars to live off of for a month. I understand the desire to be independent, i am naturally, but in my situation, my parents have to tend to my well being. Especially since i am trying to eat healthy now, and become healthy. I ruined my insides from starvation in my past. Recovery is when all the wounds come up to the surface. Basically, i need to have at least 1000 dollars a month in order to live right, and get all the necessities to get into health again. But, i can't even afford to be healthy.
My parents are having to pay for some things.
They got me off the streets in the first place. They ended up buying me a house. I'm only 22. They bought me a whole house, though i'm renting it from that, still at a very cheap price. I feel like my independence has been stolen from me, but if i decided to go back on the streets i would kill myself.
I am very thankful that my parents are trying to help me.

I suffer inside mainly because i know, there are people living like me, who do not have the support from their parents, and they are still on the streets. I have nothing to give them. I even tried to bring a whole bunch of furniture to a thrift store, yet they wouldn't take it. There is not much i can do, because i don't have money to just give people. My friends, who are on disability are suffering a lot worse than i. They need nutrition to function, especially those who have mental illnesses.
But what else can i do? I can't change the system. Can't change poverty. I have a friend who also suffers from the system, who is busting his *** to change things, he became a sovereign nation, and is now taking federal courts to court, taking the queen to court, taking the systems, and police to court, he's trying to make a difference in the world, all political like, to me, it seems kind of pointless, though admirable, personally, i wouldn't want to get underground associations after me. that is going to cause a lot of war. well i try to support him, but i'm kind of afraid of the outcome blowing up in his face in the end, so i refuse to take part in the political mess.
All i can do, is pray for them. I don't have anything to give, i live below poverty myself. Everything i have, including this lap top, were gifts from my parents... i've tried to give away objects, but no one even wants free stuff for some reason. and even thrift stores make me mad, you give them free stuff, and they make people pay for it. and since when does a person in need go to a thrift store. not around here. rich people go to thrift stores.
I live in gratitude for what i have. And i pray for those who don't have much.

The most ironic thing right now... I would love nothing more than to help you and give you everything you need.. It pains me to know that I would be able to if I could, but I cant :(

The thing is, just because you cant give people money and material items, doesn't mean you cant help them. You can share your love, your skills, your advice, your support, your inspiration. If you give a man a fish he will eat for a day, but teach a man to fish he will eat for the rest of his life.

I understand so deeply what you mean by "I feel like my independence has been stolen from me". But what I have just realised.. You know the happiness you get from giving? Surley this is the happiness your parents gained from helping you. I think I will try to remember this myself in future.

I want to let you know I am very touched by you and you have filled me with emotion, all positive. I feel inspired. Thank you.

Maybe one day we will be in the position to help everyone who needs help, be it material or otherwise. Our earth has enough for everyone, noone needs to be short of anything. That is my dream.