emb20
19-02-2015, 02:45 PM
Hello, my name is Emily and I am 23 years old.
I have had an undying feeling since I can remember, probably around 4 years of age, of not belonging here, as an adult this really brings me to rock bottom when I dwell on it too hard.
I was and am an extremely quite person, timid of people because I have always known that they will never understand me as a personality. Luckily life has helped me open up a little more. I have always felt, from that age, that I can't speak about my experiences because it started with being brushed away as "bad dreams" or a childs imagination, and has now led me to have bottled everything up for my whole life so far.
I supposedly suffered with "tunnel-vision" as a child, atleast that's what I was told, which I feel is just an excuse to cover up possibly having a "troubled child".
When this kicked in, mainly just as I am getting into bed, laying down would trigger a feeling of being incredibly small and vulnerable, to which point strange white painted figures would appear to be dancing over my walls. This feeling also included on other nights, freakishly old looking tatty scarecrow like hand-puppets sitting outside at my window sill tapping on the glass and giggling at me, like it was a game for them to frighten me.
And then the usual not being able to focus on anyone or anything, or my vision would seem to shoot them/it off into a million mile long tunnel.
Experiences like this happened for years throughout my childhood.
It still continues now, but not as often, now when I close my eyes in a relaxed state, the sensation of tunnel vision will start, and I will suddenly feel like a tiny, tiny being in the endless black of everything, sometimes I can feel a physical ache on my body, as if I am under some sort of pressure? As if the endless dark is too heavy for me to bear.
Other times, it will start as normal, and I will be back in the black of everything, instead I feel enormous, too cramped to fit into eternity. Its so hard to describe the feelings and sensations, I think that is the best I can put it.
I always feel watched, never alone. A slender shadey male figure has been following me in my peripheral vision for about 11 years now. I can't actually see him but I can physically sense his presence, which seems to allow me to paint a picture of a slim man in a charcoal suite with a blurred out face into my minds eye. I feel no negativity from this presence, perhaps more of a guardian or someone making sure I'm keeping on the right path, I'm not sure, there is no emotional feelings coming from it. I am too scared to try and make any connection with it, for fear of it being out to hurt me.
I have seen very little of him since I have developed a strong relationship my partner, but in the beginning I sensed him more often than I have ever in my life.
We had an incredibly strange start to our relationship, things I cannot describe, we both believe it involved another "reality".
I do not fit into this society, I have always felt, from four years of age, maybe before, that I do not belong here. I can't socialise because I can see though everyone, and their motives. I can't fit into the society because I think the world is wrong, I think the human race is disgusting, in all honesty I genuinely wish Upon stars for an "apocalyptic state" to begin on earth, so humanity can get what they deserve, and mother nature can have her planet back.
I could not dream of putting into words how passionately I feel about this, there just aren't words.
And maybe it would present me the chance to be a real human, which is my farfetched instinctual drive to achieve. To live and survive, in the biggest essence of being wild and free, to hunt, to laugh, to run, to play, just to be. A dream.
I find the quiet role in social situations and constantly find myself analysing everyones interactions, their choice of words, their body language. I always find myself analysing the news, or advertising etc, pulling apart their methods of seduction, which leaves me angry at the world for being so meek and naïve.
I feel trapped in my own body, like literally, without sounding cheesy, that a free spirit is trying to go home, or trying to be true to its nature. It is incredibly hard to continue to write, I feel like im barely scraping the surface , and projecting my experiences very unclearly to how it is for me.
When I finally opened up about all my instincts and feelings and what has happened to me, I did it to my partner this year, I fell to pieces, wished I was dead aloud numerous times, thankfully he has had similar experiences in life and dealt with me perfectly, and has made me much happier as a person, but I am still unhappy with myself.
When he spoke to me of a Shaman friend, I was instantly hooked on the conversation, this is something that has always touched out to me, something I feel a link to , I have a heavy feeling that it will give me some answers, and maybe some hard truths, but I ultimately feel that it will help me personally. Also, something I never spoke of.
That night after he had spoken to me of the topic, two wolves visited me in my dreams, I haven't dreamt so vividly in a long time, and it is one of the few dreams that have stuck in my head crystal clear.
I felt that the wolves were "mine" or an overwhelming sense of "me", its unclear. The wolves we huddled close, one scared, timid , shrinking into the slightly larger one, which kept giving reassurance. The body language between them told me that the bigger wolf was showing her friend not to be afraid and to follow her with complete trust.
The pair were always travelling in an bricked alley like place,in the pitch night, hugging close to the walls, everytime they reached the end I could see a different landscape, and the bigger wolf would be showing the smaller the "world". I remember the most of a towering city at night, drizzling rain, but bustling with the life of the daily grind (which terrified the small wolf), and the other landscape that stuck the most were meadows edged by an autumn wood, also at night, but no rain, just silence.(which left the small wolf seemingly in thought)
This dream meant a lot to me, and still does. I just don't know why.
I am unsure but I feel that the dream told me that the wolf was saying that she was going to be with me in all my journeys though life, and not to be afraid of myself. I have asked to see her again, especially recently whilst ive been in a bad place again, but she hasn't shown herself.
I wish I could speak of this to someone on a personal level, but someone who does not know me. Someone who can ask the right questions so I can answer easily, and paint a better picture of what I'm trying to say in all of this.
Some guidance would be greatly appreciated, I am getting to the point now where I am weakening under the stress of me thinking to deeply into everything, I don't understand this life, I don't want to submit to "the way the world is", its unnatural and sick.
I have cracked under anger and sadness through all of this and other things much more frequently now. It is hurting me badly and I need to try and find some peace with myself.
I just need help doing it !! :)
I would also like to add, if the right person reads this, and it helps, I have extremely enhances senses, my partner often jokes that I have the senses of a dog. I can hear things from impossible distances, for example I have heard a friends lost phone ringing clearly, and found it, even though this is physically unexplainable, thankfully I had witnesses that day who were totally awestruck! Even myself too, it was a huge shock to know my hearing had developed THAT well.
I can smell phantom scents all the time, I often tell my company im with when I can smell something very strongly, which normally ends with strange looks..! As a child I can remember clearly smelling long-dead pets around the house all the time, so clearly that it is as if I have my nose buried in their fur.
I can smell cat/dog after-birth often too in random situations... haha I have no idea why. But its very distinct!
And my eyesight, well nobody ever believes me when they actually witness how good it can be. that ive read signs for example outloud, when I can actually see high detail at extremely long distances, to always get ballsy excuses from people when they try to justify what Ive just done
Argh! Where should I go with this, really. What will help!
Sorry If its all a jumble! :D
I have had an undying feeling since I can remember, probably around 4 years of age, of not belonging here, as an adult this really brings me to rock bottom when I dwell on it too hard.
I was and am an extremely quite person, timid of people because I have always known that they will never understand me as a personality. Luckily life has helped me open up a little more. I have always felt, from that age, that I can't speak about my experiences because it started with being brushed away as "bad dreams" or a childs imagination, and has now led me to have bottled everything up for my whole life so far.
I supposedly suffered with "tunnel-vision" as a child, atleast that's what I was told, which I feel is just an excuse to cover up possibly having a "troubled child".
When this kicked in, mainly just as I am getting into bed, laying down would trigger a feeling of being incredibly small and vulnerable, to which point strange white painted figures would appear to be dancing over my walls. This feeling also included on other nights, freakishly old looking tatty scarecrow like hand-puppets sitting outside at my window sill tapping on the glass and giggling at me, like it was a game for them to frighten me.
And then the usual not being able to focus on anyone or anything, or my vision would seem to shoot them/it off into a million mile long tunnel.
Experiences like this happened for years throughout my childhood.
It still continues now, but not as often, now when I close my eyes in a relaxed state, the sensation of tunnel vision will start, and I will suddenly feel like a tiny, tiny being in the endless black of everything, sometimes I can feel a physical ache on my body, as if I am under some sort of pressure? As if the endless dark is too heavy for me to bear.
Other times, it will start as normal, and I will be back in the black of everything, instead I feel enormous, too cramped to fit into eternity. Its so hard to describe the feelings and sensations, I think that is the best I can put it.
I always feel watched, never alone. A slender shadey male figure has been following me in my peripheral vision for about 11 years now. I can't actually see him but I can physically sense his presence, which seems to allow me to paint a picture of a slim man in a charcoal suite with a blurred out face into my minds eye. I feel no negativity from this presence, perhaps more of a guardian or someone making sure I'm keeping on the right path, I'm not sure, there is no emotional feelings coming from it. I am too scared to try and make any connection with it, for fear of it being out to hurt me.
I have seen very little of him since I have developed a strong relationship my partner, but in the beginning I sensed him more often than I have ever in my life.
We had an incredibly strange start to our relationship, things I cannot describe, we both believe it involved another "reality".
I do not fit into this society, I have always felt, from four years of age, maybe before, that I do not belong here. I can't socialise because I can see though everyone, and their motives. I can't fit into the society because I think the world is wrong, I think the human race is disgusting, in all honesty I genuinely wish Upon stars for an "apocalyptic state" to begin on earth, so humanity can get what they deserve, and mother nature can have her planet back.
I could not dream of putting into words how passionately I feel about this, there just aren't words.
And maybe it would present me the chance to be a real human, which is my farfetched instinctual drive to achieve. To live and survive, in the biggest essence of being wild and free, to hunt, to laugh, to run, to play, just to be. A dream.
I find the quiet role in social situations and constantly find myself analysing everyones interactions, their choice of words, their body language. I always find myself analysing the news, or advertising etc, pulling apart their methods of seduction, which leaves me angry at the world for being so meek and naïve.
I feel trapped in my own body, like literally, without sounding cheesy, that a free spirit is trying to go home, or trying to be true to its nature. It is incredibly hard to continue to write, I feel like im barely scraping the surface , and projecting my experiences very unclearly to how it is for me.
When I finally opened up about all my instincts and feelings and what has happened to me, I did it to my partner this year, I fell to pieces, wished I was dead aloud numerous times, thankfully he has had similar experiences in life and dealt with me perfectly, and has made me much happier as a person, but I am still unhappy with myself.
When he spoke to me of a Shaman friend, I was instantly hooked on the conversation, this is something that has always touched out to me, something I feel a link to , I have a heavy feeling that it will give me some answers, and maybe some hard truths, but I ultimately feel that it will help me personally. Also, something I never spoke of.
That night after he had spoken to me of the topic, two wolves visited me in my dreams, I haven't dreamt so vividly in a long time, and it is one of the few dreams that have stuck in my head crystal clear.
I felt that the wolves were "mine" or an overwhelming sense of "me", its unclear. The wolves we huddled close, one scared, timid , shrinking into the slightly larger one, which kept giving reassurance. The body language between them told me that the bigger wolf was showing her friend not to be afraid and to follow her with complete trust.
The pair were always travelling in an bricked alley like place,in the pitch night, hugging close to the walls, everytime they reached the end I could see a different landscape, and the bigger wolf would be showing the smaller the "world". I remember the most of a towering city at night, drizzling rain, but bustling with the life of the daily grind (which terrified the small wolf), and the other landscape that stuck the most were meadows edged by an autumn wood, also at night, but no rain, just silence.(which left the small wolf seemingly in thought)
This dream meant a lot to me, and still does. I just don't know why.
I am unsure but I feel that the dream told me that the wolf was saying that she was going to be with me in all my journeys though life, and not to be afraid of myself. I have asked to see her again, especially recently whilst ive been in a bad place again, but she hasn't shown herself.
I wish I could speak of this to someone on a personal level, but someone who does not know me. Someone who can ask the right questions so I can answer easily, and paint a better picture of what I'm trying to say in all of this.
Some guidance would be greatly appreciated, I am getting to the point now where I am weakening under the stress of me thinking to deeply into everything, I don't understand this life, I don't want to submit to "the way the world is", its unnatural and sick.
I have cracked under anger and sadness through all of this and other things much more frequently now. It is hurting me badly and I need to try and find some peace with myself.
I just need help doing it !! :)
I would also like to add, if the right person reads this, and it helps, I have extremely enhances senses, my partner often jokes that I have the senses of a dog. I can hear things from impossible distances, for example I have heard a friends lost phone ringing clearly, and found it, even though this is physically unexplainable, thankfully I had witnesses that day who were totally awestruck! Even myself too, it was a huge shock to know my hearing had developed THAT well.
I can smell phantom scents all the time, I often tell my company im with when I can smell something very strongly, which normally ends with strange looks..! As a child I can remember clearly smelling long-dead pets around the house all the time, so clearly that it is as if I have my nose buried in their fur.
I can smell cat/dog after-birth often too in random situations... haha I have no idea why. But its very distinct!
And my eyesight, well nobody ever believes me when they actually witness how good it can be. that ive read signs for example outloud, when I can actually see high detail at extremely long distances, to always get ballsy excuses from people when they try to justify what Ive just done
Argh! Where should I go with this, really. What will help!
Sorry If its all a jumble! :D