Thoughts of killing myself - severe depression?

[umbridge]

Few days back my thoughts went very dark and I just wished that I could start over again. Like in some computer game: "GAME OVER. WANNA TRY AGAIN?"

Things are pretty weird around here, I see flying objects or ghosts or whatsoever .. and I started to feel that everything what I have done is wrong. Like I should have do things differently. But I did not have anyone to ask advice from.
I was a little girl, raised by her mom, no relatives, no brothers or sisters, no nothing.. grandparents dead and father cut out of my life.

Since I was a kid I have always been freakin' emotional and I tend to take words very seriously, I can think about one word what someone told me few days back a week or even two ..

All of my life I have felt by my mom criticized, she never liked what I did, I never felt fully accepted. Only since then I realized things about spirituality I began to feel something bigger than me. I have always prayed for myself and my mother and I always had to be strong..but sometimes I think about letting it all go.. and going back to Home, to the stars. And at that point, I dont even want to talk about picking myself back together..I just want to dive into the water..

It did not work out this time..It feels so..
I lived most of my life under my mom's concepts and beliefs - what is wrong and what is right, became almost narrow-minded, hoping that everything what she is saying is right and works for me too.. I did not have anyone to look up to except my mother, I have been missing my father all of my life, also grandparents and brothers and sisters.

Most of my life I have lived in isolation, because of the concepts I have been raised, because of my own over emotional and sensitive nature and because I never felt truly accepted or worthy.

I listened to my mother..but she never did not understand me, that is how I felt. Even when I tried to describe her what I felt, she thought that I was making mountain out of a molehill and I get that reaction that I am not accepted and she even does not consider my point of view or feeling. She always tried to make fun or making me laugh, even when I was deadly serious. I remember one time when I was at hospital due to pneumonia, whooping cough and sinusitis (all at the same time), I got back home and said that my veins hurt because I had cannula for 2 weeks. She said that its not possible. They injected me for 5 times a day, even during sleep and I felt every time the medicine.
I remember when I was at hospital, I was totally alone. Even my mom told me once that why she had to visit me every day.It was a winter that time. I felt hurt because I knew that I did not have anyone to ask help for to visit me.
(I was 8 years old at that time)

Later on I have described different things what I have felt to doctors, everyone just think that I am under a lot of stress. Even when I have felt that in ovulation process ovary is releasing an egg. They call it vivid imagination.


As more as I grow and evolve, the more I understand that there will be coming a time, when I just cant tell people what I am really going through because they just dont get it.
How can I describe my friends that : during talking I saw ghost like objects flying around..etc

Its seems to me that because everyone is not so sensitive and emotional, only living in this world, can become very hurtful for those who feel a lot more than others.


share your views please
I feel good that I could release this stuff.

Love&Light to you my friends! :hug:
take care!

[silent whisper]

Its good your sharing and releasing how you feel, I find that always helps me when I need to find some kindred understanding people who may not fully understand but are willing to just be there for you and support you with some level of understanding.

Its very difficult being highly sensitive in a world that doesn't fully comprehend the implications of that space of being. I completely understand that aspect of you because I too grew up in this way. Feeling everything and everyone, yet no one truly understood. It can be very hard to not have a base or foundation that acknowledges you.

I have a great many highly sensitive friends who deal with much of what you are sharing. They too have and still do struggle to find their place in the world because of childhoods where they were always isolated and alone in their feelings. Even as adults its a constant reminder to them, but many have found ways to cope and build up their own space to deal with their struggles.

Some of course still deal with things like depression and problems with overwhelm.

I hope that you will always reach out to someone when you feel these kind of desperate feelings. There are many professional people who can support people through these kind of situations when it gets really difficult, so I hope you always keep that in mind.

Again glad you feel good releasing.

Take care of you.

[orca]

Nature can help when it is too much to be around people. Is there a spot of natural beauty you could spend time in, and just connect with all that is that way? Sometimes dealing with things can feel too overwhelming but maybe just spending time in nature will make it a bit easier. Rome wasn't built in a day, and you don't have to clear everything in one fell swoop. Sometimes a bit of peace and refuge can really help. There's plenty of time to figure out the rest of everything, one step at a time. :hug3:

[knightofalbion]

Very sorry to hear that you've been in a dark place. It was probably cathartic to be able to 'release' it here ...

Spiritual people can often be lonely people because by design they are apart from the crowd. That can result in not having people to talk to and discuss things with, but that is the value of such places as this.

You'd like to 'start again'? But you can. Right now. We can all turn a new page and embrace a new beginning.

As for the stress. It can befall us all, at any time. Maybe meditation or yoga would help you unwind, or possibly the Bach Flower Remedies or a herbal nervine (valerian, passiflora etc) or maybe even St John's Wort.

[silent whisper]

There is a highly sensitive group on fb if you interested I can give you a link. There are many people who experience life like you on there, not sure if that is the kind of thing you might need or like, but personally being around others who understand you and these kind of experiences can be very helpful...

[Baile]

Thoughts of killing myself - severe depression? Things are pretty weird around here, I see flying objects or ghosts or whatsoever .. and I started to feel that everything what I have done is wrong. Like I should have do things differently. But I did not have anyone to ask advice from.You've started dozens of threads on the topic of your depression and so forth, and you've gotten all sorts of advice from people here. If thoughts of suicide is now an issue for you, then it's time to seek professional help. Suicide isn't a topic for internet chatting, it's not even allowed as per the forum rules in fact. You need to take real steps to deal with it. Good luck.

[Mr Interesting]

There was a neat little article somewheres or other about less technological societies around the world seeing clinical depression and, I can't think of the names, but other psychiatric stuff anyways, as spirit interventions where spirit was using the person to bring help to the community and had ways of making the transitions better and healthier... more welcoming.

But we in the west with the ideas we have have to tread such paths alone and what always helped me was telling those spirits off... leave me alone and get outta my face, I'll listen when I'm ready and take it at my own pace.

Took me a long time to get there though but when I finally realised what was going on, while I also had a life to lead, well, it's been pretty sweet since then.

And I kinda think that's quite a big part of it actually... defining how you actually want it to be ( in more ways than one) and then waiting patiently for the universe to get in line.

My nephew is a concern, gets himself well sick and recently was "I'm almost dead now and I'll most probably die soon" and I'm like "sweet bro, it's your life but you'd be far better off gettin' your sensitivity in line 'cause you'll be comin' straight back to do it all again, maybe even harder, 'cause your soul's alot tougher than you are bro... but don't worry, you'll get some rest time between assignments."

And I'm not sure about that at all but it does seem kinda likely 'cause the people who go down the lowest then find it in themselves to make the big comeback... they're the useful ones, they make a difference, they're the meaning of Life!

[StaroftheSea]

Most people deal with that thought during their lives at some point and many only briefly and fleetingly Umbridge after the commencement of walking in Jesus' Humility - this includes feeling low at times initially, having given up things in our Life, awaiting Love from Jesus/God, many of us mistakenly think that we are awaiting Love from others, when in actual fact, we are awaiting to receive Jesus/God's LOVE into our Hearts from Him - of whom - is just waiting for yourself and others to open up their hearts to Him and "Receive His Love".[/I]

Jesus has chosen to work through Twin Flames for His most Loving greater Plans for our soul good and for those eternally; therefore Umbridge, "You" have been called to come closer to Jesus/God/The Holy Spirit - Jesus knows that your heart, mind soul and body can handle everything on your plate - one has to be sensitive first - in order to be sensitive of others feelings and situations - all within Jesus/God's Holy Grand Plan Umbridge.

"If" you turn to Jesus in your Heart Consecrating your Heart to Jesus' Sacred Heart and Consecrating your Heart to The Blessed Virgin Mary Mother of God's Immaculate Heart...Jesus will heal your Heart and...if you trust in Him...speak to your Heart.

Being "Humble" or when one reaches the point of walking in "Humility" - Jesus' Humility - is the point when Jesus is opening up your Heart to Him - all that is required is for you to say "Jesus, I Trust in You" and Jesus can intercede Umbridge.

It is entirely up to SF Forum Administrators to delete this thread if it may impact upon others anyway Baile.

Kindest wishes

Remember Baile, Jesus says:
"The "Mercy" we give to others, is the "Mercy"/Measure we receive from Jesus/God eternally Baile.

[Cmt12]

I'm assuming that you have some kind of spiritual practice or are at least familiar with mindfulness since you are posting this here? Here is what I'd recommend:

After some time has passed and you feel a little better, look back at this objectively and notice how engaging in these negative thoughts is just inviting more negative thoughts and feelings and encouraging the downward spiral. Take the time to really contemplate this, how the ego wants to feel sorry for itself. I hope this doesn't seem like I am invalidating your pain in any way. All pain is an opportunity for growth.

You will still get negative thoughts, but remember not every automatic thought and feeling is valid and needs to be engaged with. As you practice mindfulness, you'll get better and better at becoming aware in the moment and saying "Is engaging this thought going to be useful to me?" Sometimes we get in negative states through no fault of our own and those are the times when we need to be awake and play defense for awhile until it subsides.

[elisi]

You've started dozens of threads on the topic of your depression and so forth, and you've gotten all sorts of advice from people here. If thoughts of suicide is now an issue for you, then it's time to seek professional help. Suicide isn't a topic for internet chatting, it's not even allowed as per the forum rules in fact. You need to take real steps to deal with it. Good luck.

i was thinking the exact same thing....please seek professional help. people here are well meaning but if you're that depressed, you need more.

[knightofalbion]

You've started dozens of threads on the topic of your depression and so forth, and you've gotten all sorts of advice from people here. If thoughts of suicide is now an issue for you, then it's time to seek professional help. Suicide isn't a topic for internet chatting, it's not even allowed as per the forum rules in fact. You need to take real steps to deal with it. Good luck.

Other threads? I've not seen them. That's a little different then. If this condition has been going on for a long term, then seeking professional advice is the most prudent course of action. It doesn't necessarily mean going on SSRIs, could be just counselling or CBT might resolve things.

[Fairmountain]

Jed Mckenna would be an author I would read if I was undergoing sever depression. The audio books are best. You can find him on amazon. :)

His material will give a greater more honest understanding of life here, but I am always hesitant to recommend anything because we usually get what we need when we need it. And his material is pretty spiritually hardcore. But it sounds like you're in a hardcore place.

[elisi]

where is umbridge's responses?

i too saw a theme in previous posts....are you serious or just looking to garner sympathy?

[umbridge]

i was thinking the exact same thing....please seek professional help. people here are well meaning but if you're that depressed, you need more.


I guess I am going to be silent for a while.

I am terribly sorry that I even wrote about something what I have gone through. I may sound childlish, but maybe I am a child. And maybe I did not have anyone to talk what I have been going through.

My apologizes and kind wishes

[elisi]

can i ask you what you expected after saying you had suicidal thoughts?

people just want to help and give advice.

[Ascension]

If you want to talk , remember there is always someone you can speak to
and i'm one of them, we maybe don't know each other but we are all here
for a reason and i say we all can be good friends and help each other
without fear of being rejected ...
PM or Facebook , you will never bother me !!!

[silent whisper]

Regardless of themes playing out, people are where they are and how they feel deep down inside is not the surface aspect of their behaviour that people really should focus on.

Pain is pain.

Regardless of how it may be played out.

I admire you umbridge for sharing all over the board about your depression and how you feel.

It takes courage to release and not be afraid to share in the way you need and want.

NO matter how you need to release.

Sometimes the world thinks you should be a certain way even when your desperately seeking a supportive ear and acknowledgment for your pain. But there is no set way you have to be.

You are you and be you as you need to be.

I know you have gone silent, and you may need that for now, but don't be afraid to use this thread to share you feelings and story.

You are just as important as anyone here, so listen to yourself and what you want to express and share.

Again I will emphasis, seek professional help if you are feeling suicidal and desperate. That is not something any of us can help you with here. And requires experienced care.

[silent whisper]

If you want to talk , remember there is always someone you can speak to
and i'm one of them, we maybe don't know each other but we are all here
for a reason and i say we all can be good friends and help each other
without fear of being rejected ...
PM or Facebook , you will never bother me !!!

You my friend are always there for others..how wonderful of you to open yourself up in this way and show this care for another.

Its really wonderful..:hug3:

[Ascension]

You my friend are always there for others..how wonderful of you to open yourself up in this way and show this care for another.

Its really wonderful..:hug3:

Everyone can be a doctor or psychologist if you unfold
the song of the soul .
http://ztona.org/wp-content/uploads/177075f392fd102be47d609ce42f71ab.jpg

[umbridge]

can i ask you what you expected after saying you had suicidal thoughts?

people just want to help and give advice.


I just wanted to hear: Its ok. I accept you.
Thats all.

Just wanted to write out what I felt.

[Mr Interesting]

It just crossed my mind that it can also be helpful to look at our own lives less relatively, especially if we have had what may be a hard life subjectively.

I know in my own life I had poor friends and rich friends, some with big families and some just a single parent and no brothers and sisters, and it made absolutely no difference to me... I just didn't have a measuring system or way of creating comparisons, whatever was in front of me was fun or it wasn't and it wasn't till I hit my teens that differences started to be something I took notice of and because of conditioning created a burden.

It wasn't until later that I even realised the conditioning went on and that it's really just a set of conditions we go through adrift, as it were, without realising we're even adrift and collecting up what looks shiny and useful.

And in very real sense it's not the conditions that matter so much as an ability to see them as conditions, apply perspective, and be lucky enough to go beyond the blame game.

But all that above is useless, a kind of surface sorting, tidying up of the detritus of life, which can have absolutely no bearing or even be greased ropeholds when we are dealing with imaginations so vast and replete with whole worlds of possibility, both good and bad, it seems no one else is even aware of them.

That's our lot though. Each person is a universe unto themselves and it's all quite miraculous, so much in such little heads in such a vast panorama and we trudge through it, mud on our boots and sodden clothes, pulling our burdens... then the sun breaks through the clouds and we hear the birds singing... ah, the wonders, and for those brief moments we suck in the courage and keep going... or break down and sit by the side of the road and ball our eyes out.

Good things take time.

[RedEmbers]

It is important that people who feel depressed feel safe and supported opening up about their concerns and feelings.

If no one talks about things which may make others feel uncomfortable then there will never be any change and the burden of feeling stigmatised will continue to remain.

When I was a teenager experiencing the worst of my depression I lost many friends and much support. This is not good because I then became isolated which is in no way benefits the one who is suffering.
Those who were the greatest blessings in my life were the few who loved me when I was at what I felt was at my worst...
my best friend who I am so grateful for always saw my light even when all I felt was all my darkness.

We all need people in our lives who see us as a whole person, who see our light when we feel dark and do not discount us when we are struggling.

[elisi]

I just wanted to hear: Its ok. I accept you.
Thats all.

Just wanted to write out what I felt.

i wasn't 'not' accepting you. i'm sorry if you took it the wrong way. i do care.

[umbridge]

It is important that people who feel depressed feel safe and supported opening up about their concerns and feelings.

If no one talks about things which may make others feel uncomfortable then there will never be any change and the burden of feeling stigmatised will continue to remain.

When I was a teenager experiencing the worst of my depression I lost many friends and much support. This is not good because I then became isolated which is in no way benefits the one who is suffering.
Those who were the greatest blessings in my life were the few who loved me when I was at what I felt was at my worst...
my best friend who I am so grateful for always saw my light even when all I felt was all my darkness.

We all need people in our lives who see us as a whole person, who see our light when we feel dark and do not discount us when we are struggling.

Thank you so much. :smile:
Your post made me feel like you were giving me a warm hug. :D

thanks.

[Mr Interesting]

And I can't settle... I've just been away meditating and whether it's my own bit's and pieces churning away or some kind of spiritual through bringing I have no idea but I really am such a dull tool.

I spend hours and hours at something like painting and even as I'm doing it I know I can do better. It's like no matter how hard I try I'm still this completely dim approximation of what could be.

And within my carving of wood, which I haven't done for ages, that it was the sharpening of the chisels that took all my time, and I bought really good chisels and all kinds of stones and then after all those hours honing those edges I go to the wood and cut and chisel... then they are dull again, yet they'll still take a finger off without too much effort, so I go back to sharpening.

This is what life has taught me... that despite having rooms full of my stuff hurrahed by the great and the graceful, being on the box and smiling my head off at the sheer joys of attainment and hanging out with popstars and leaders of men... that I am a rough edge, a dumb rock of inconsequentiality beside the possibilities that draw me on just hoping that someday I might get a little bit closer to the magnificence and not fall dead on it's edges from my own inability and sheer and rampant inability.

And within this still others find some competence in me and it's a very humbling experience because for some reason I do not disdain their own efforts but feel a kind of resonance that echoes back to when I too felt a passion in myself to be better... despite any odds there were.

Even in this telling, this speaking, the truth of it seems far off and I'm still churning away in my own sense of self worth, that my identity is blinding me to those words of gold that would cut through all this clinging dross and glint and sparkle like diamonds.

But I try... I just keep trying, even while I'm learning to give up and let go, I am like the writer who with inspiration waning and dark clouds approaching, I put myself in front of something and give myself the freedom to express whatever want's expressing. I try and let the life around me speak, remember that all I've done and been through is what has allowed me to somehow to find the me that is lucky enough to do what is actually in front of me and hopefully be humble enough to be a small part of the dance, the frolicking freedoms just on the edge of reason.

So I sit here and see I've led a charmed life, I've been incredibly lucky to have the freedoms I have now and even while I might see my potential as completely dulled by my competence I'm quite good at just giving myself a break and enjoying most of what comes along.

But yesterday I read an article and this women admitted that she was capable of being stupid, that despite all the money and the security she took for granted it really didn't stop from doing dumb stuff. And that poor people had it doubly hard, or even more, 'cause while the rich could disguise their dumb the poor had no choice but to face it head on.

And in a sense here I am thinking my own life is charmed but I have this sneaking suspicion that my charmed would be her dreadful, that she just wouldn't have the skills to deal with stuff that I have... and after feeling somewhat unresponsive to her opening up... I am now a little more compassionate. Shes doing the best she can with what shes been handed, and even while I can hear the silver spoon clinking against her fine white teeth, all the outer accoutrement of what we call difference falls away and I see the honour in her honesty... she's trying.

Just like all of us we're given what we've got and it's our job to press on through and make the best of it, maybe even spread it around some, and be grateful for the smiles when we find them beaming despite of all the misfortune that seems so prevalent... if we choose to see it that way!

[Gem]

Hi,

On SF we can be spiritual and kind etc, and possible that's needed, but there's a sadness that is normal and then there's depression that is like an illness.

We are not psychologists with soul songs. Thats just silly. And if you seriously contemplate suicide, there's help for you, for example, most places have suicide hotlines and there's a number of mental health orientated community services, and many are specific to youths.

Other than that, if you just need some kindness acceptance and appreciation... well, everyone needs that... and like the beatles said, I get by with a little help from my friends.

Stay safe and good luck

[Dwerg]

Few days back my thoughts went very dark and I just wished that I could start over again. Like in some computer game: "GAME OVER. WANNA TRY AGAIN?"
This really struck me as this is what happened to me, except I restarted. So can you, don't ask for permission and in any case you have mine. Depression is at the very edge of this restart. Start from a place of nothing, what would be the first thing you require to make it through life? Build it from there, play life like a game. Think about it though, your own mother treats you like garbage and you have no other family to hold you back. You're at the restart point, just leap into the unknown. What have you got to lose if suicide is the alternative?

Also, you might want to consider that your mother could be struggling with the same problems you do. These things tend to run in the family, you can end the bad cycle and possibly even inspire your mother to improve.

I guess I am going to be silent for a while.

I am terribly sorry that I even wrote about something what I have gone through. I may sound childlish, but maybe I am a child. And maybe I did not have anyone to talk what I have been going through.

My apologizes and kind wishes
You have nothing to apologize for, you have as much of a right as anyone else to speak up. Be aware though that as you can so can anyone else, receiving responses that hurts is inevitable. A child is better suited than an adult, the child can learn whereas many adults assumes they already know when they don't.

As more as I grow and evolve, the more I understand that there will be coming a time, when I just cant tell people what I am really going through because they just dont get it.
How can I describe my friends that : during talking I saw ghost like objects flying around..etc
I think this is quite normal, I've had things happen that there's no way I could explain in a way others would understand. It can be accepted as you saw it, but obviously you know they didn't. Thus what happened wasn't shared in the same way both people can agree on seeing the ground beneath them. Do not share these things with people who doesn't understand this, and if you do then expect to receive rejection, ridicule and criticism.

Its seems to me that because everyone is not so sensitive and emotional, only living in this world, can become very hurtful for those who feel a lot more than others.
Most people are more sensitive than they look, but most of us put up a wall intentionally to avoid being emotionally abused. Also most people figure out it's impossible to really know how they are perceived, and thus it's unavoidable to hurt people. It happens unintentionally. I recently had this happen on a roadtrip with some friends, I told my friend something funny. He laughed, but his girlfriend thought I was saying something mean about her. She kept it in for 3 days, I could sense the general mood in the group being tense, but couldn't really pin it down. All I knew was that I wasn't the source of the emotion, and I don't do blind guesses so I kept it in as well. Her best friend (who has more confidence) confronted me and told me how I was perceived. I was more relieved to know how she felt, I could understand how it could be taken negatively. But as I understand I also request understanding of my point of view, it was meant as a silly comment about something completely unrelated and I had no chance to know how I was perceived. The problem was resolved, and we could move on and have fun. This kind of honesty is hard as it makes us vulnerable, but the rewards outweighs the risks.

So what is the moral if this? It's really hard to grasp how people feel if they don't express it clearly and expect me to mind read. I just simply can't take into account every possible implied meaning people might possibly imagine about what I say. If someone gets hurt by what I say I WANT TO KNOW, exactly because I want to avoid the kind of drama I described above.

I wish you good luck. I would like to give you my sympathy, but sympathy alone will not help you.