Am I being afraid of myself ?!?

[umbridge]

I guess I am afraid of myself and some things about myself. I have always been very emotional and very sensitive.

In the past I always put myself into the sidelines..like somehow I knew always that I had some power and I did not want to shine out. Like when I would give attention to someone, for example looking into the eye, they suddely would come and talk to me. And I dont want that. I just want to be and look where I want. :D

Maybe because deep inside I am insecure? Insecurity comes with EGO. When you are connected with your heart, you cannot feel insecure (from my experience, for me it works that way; Its like you have connection to something Higher and you are much more than a tiny little human in III dimension.) ?! Do you think its true?

I get drained when people are looking at me. I have to admit that have made myself uglier or wore certain type of clothes that I just could be a wall flower.
I remember times when i just wished that people would stop looking at me.

So when I dress well, people keep looking at me and when i am not in a good emotional position, my emotional scales go off balance until I feel like I cannot take it anymore and I go nuts.

Funny, its like I am not wanting that anyone should put their attention on me? LOL :D
Its wierd and not funny at all.

Maybe I am afraid of people? Afraid of being center of attention? Afraid of my own energy? Can this be possible?

But I dont want to put myself down. I mean if I have the power than I guess it must be shine out.

I guess its not them (the people), its me, right?



thanks
take care!

[NewtotheLife]

I totally understand where you are coming from Umbridge. I wonder about this too.

[Mr Interesting]

I've got bad teeth, well the teeth themselves aren't bad so much as I've never really cleaned them so they get decayed and have to be pulled... not many left!

I used to be very aware of this and felt slightly disgraced... so everybody then looked at my teeth and there was this too and fro of disgust. Eventually I kinda realised it was a journey, on one hand about what we think of ourselves and how much that enters any conversation with others but also one of how our physical body works.

The second was really interesting because each time a tooth came out it not only lasted longer into decay before pain arrived but I could deal with the pain alot better. It was as if my body knew I wasn't going to do anything, no rushing to the hospital to get it fixed or pulled at the first sign of pain, so me and my body adjusted and I'm able to get much further with broken teeth before they need pulling.

And nobody I knew or talked to ever saw this as something worth investigating. If anything people would be aghast I could live with such bad teeth, that my look was so un-important to me.

Along the way I also got around to not caring what my teeth looked like and funnily enough it seemed other did too. If they were looking I didn't know or notice and it was as if me not caring almost made them invisible to others but interestingly the few people who might mention it were so concerned about their own looks that the teeth were just a metaphor for their own looks.

Recently, well, quite a while ago, I read in the Power of Now about going out into the world dirty and dishevelled, being exactly what people would look down on... to create some distance between ones projected self of confidence in that and creating a humility, as it were, in still being exactly who you are but against societies view of how one should be.

The thing is that it matters not one iota what you look like or smell like or anything IF YOU LOVE YOU as that's what the people who contain love themselves will see and those who don't love themselves stand out and are obvious.

So you're on that journey of self discovery and the hardest part is digging deep and finding yourself, the who's who of your own who, against a society that finds it's strength in numbers... all those numbers acting under a false front that is literally only skin deep, and it's all pervasive and coming at as from everywhere... but it's what you've got to see and feel for yourself. You've got to find yourself... and you will, the signs are posted.

[Philomath777]

I used to be very emotional and sensitive... this just sounds like you need to find your inner "confidant" self... you have one, we all do. If you are tired of something with yourself, then change it. Just do it, (if its what you want...) Do it everyday for the rest of your life and it will become apart of yourself... This is how I personally change myself. I see something I don't like (or I'll randomly go to my friends and ask them what is the one worst thing about me, so I'm not biased) I think about who I want to become, and then I am that "new" person. I've kept track... I'm on version 8.1. Every time something MAJOR changes within myself, I'm a new version... eight MAJOR changes and many many minor ones (what the .1 is, because its added to my major change)! I hope I've written this clearly...

I hope you find your own True Path one day though, you will if you believe in yourself!

Of course, this may not work for you... but you have the power inside you... It takes patience and practice. The only being in existence holding you back... is yourself, quite literally. Others are here to keep you down, while others are here to bring you up (thats why if you meet someone and you feel drained, they are not here for YOUR betterment...) the hard work comes from you though... the two sides that constantly push are only here as lanterns on both ends of the finish line (you are in the center, like tug o war and you're the knot in the middle) and they have many different tactics and methods to achieve their specific goals, and then yours once you go over the finish line.

Change, can be a scary thing. Though please remember, you are NEVER truly alone in this, just ask for guidance from those who truly love you (mentally, physically, and spiritually) and you will be a ok! : )

[umbridge]

I've got bad teeth, well the teeth themselves aren't bad so much as I've never really cleaned them so they get decayed and have to be pulled... not many left!

I used to be very aware of this and felt slightly disgraced... so everybody then looked at my teeth and there was this too and fro of disgust. Eventually I kinda realised it was a journey, on one hand about what we think of ourselves and how much that enters any conversation with others but also one of how our physical body works.

The second was really interesting because each time a tooth came out it not only lasted longer into decay before pain arrived but I could deal with the pain alot better. It was as if my body knew I wasn't going to do anything, no rushing to the hospital to get it fixed or pulled at the first sign of pain, so me and my body adjusted and I'm able to get much further with broken teeth before they need pulling.

And nobody I knew or talked to ever saw this as something worth investigating. If anything people would be aghast I could live with such bad teeth, that my look was so un-important to me.

Along the way I also got around to not caring what my teeth looked like and funnily enough it seemed other did too. If they were looking I didn't know or notice and it was as if me not caring almost made them invisible to others but interestingly the few people who might mention it were so concerned about their own looks that the teeth were just a metaphor for their own looks.

Recently, well, quite a while ago, I read in the Power of Now about going out into the world dirty and dishevelled, being exactly what people would look down on... to create some distance between ones projected self of confidence in that and creating a humility, as it were, in still being exactly who you are but against societies view of how one should be.

The thing is that it matters not one iota what you look like or smell like or anything IF YOU LOVE YOU as that's what the people who contain love themselves will see and those who don't love themselves stand out and are obvious.

So you're on that journey of self discovery and the hardest part is digging deep and finding yourself, the who's who of your own who, against a society that finds it's strength in numbers... all those numbers acting under a false front that is literally only skin deep, and it's all pervasive and coming at as from everywhere... but it's what you've got to see and feel for yourself. You've got to find yourself... and you will, the signs are posted.


wow, thanks for sharing your story!

Much love and light to you!

[umbridge]

I used to be very emotional and sensitive... this just sounds like you need to find your inner "confidant" self... you have one, we all do. If you are tired of something with yourself, then change it. Just do it, (if its what you want...) Do it everyday for the rest of your life and it will become apart of yourself... This is how I personally change myself. I see something I don't like (or I'll randomly go to my friends and ask them what is the one worst thing about me, so I'm not biased) I think about who I want to become, and then I am that "new" person. I've kept track... I'm on version 8.1. Every time something MAJOR changes within myself, I'm a new version... eight MAJOR changes and many many minor ones (what the .1 is, because its added to my major change)! I hope I've written this clearly...

I hope you find your own True Path one day though, you will if you believe in yourself!

Of course, this may not work for you... but you have the power inside you... It takes patience and practice. The only being in existence holding you back... is yourself, quite literally. Others are here to keep you down, while others are here to bring you up (thats why if you meet someone and you feel drained, they are not here for YOUR betterment...) the hard work comes from you though... the two sides that constantly push are only here as lanterns on both ends of the finish line (you are in the center, like tug o war and you're the knot in the middle) and they have many different tactics and methods to achieve their specific goals, and then yours once you go over the finish line.

Change, can be a scary thing. Though please remember, you are NEVER truly alone in this, just ask for guidance from those who truly love you (mentally, physically, and spiritually) and you will be a ok! : )


wow, thanks,
you really warmed my heart! :hug3: