PDA

View Full Version : Grief...help me please


Emmalevine
14-11-2010, 12:42 PM
I am falling apart please help.

I feel so ashamed because my grief is over the loss of a therapist, but I feel closer to her than any of my family. It is worse than when I had to end my marriage nearly five years ago. I feel really alone because of the stigma attached to grieving for someone who most people would feel I should have left long ago or is associated with 'dependency.'. Most people don't know I see a therapist never mind that I've shared everything with her! She isn't a 'blank slate' therapist; she has been totally invested in me and championed everything I do. I feel very connected to her and we've always been on the same wavelength. I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't for her. I have come so far.

This is the first time in my life I'm having to say a permanent goodbye to someone I love and care about so much and I am having a really bad time. I can hardly function I just keep crying desperately.

I would really appreciate any healing sent my way as selfish as this sounds because I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

astralsuzy
14-11-2010, 12:59 PM
My thoughts are with you Starbuck. It is not selfish that you want a healing. I do not do healings. I just thought hopefully I could chear you up a bit. It is hard when you really like someone and they are gone forever. I have been through it. You keep wishing you could see that person again. It does get easier when the days and weeks pass. I wish I could be more of a help but that is the way it is. We just have to take a day at a time. You will get through it because everyone does. I have not heard of anyone that does not.

gsee55
14-11-2010, 01:20 PM
There is not reason to feel ashamed if the person did mean so much to you. But you are blaming yourself for feeling ashamed and that makes your grief unbearable. Stop blaming yourself and allow yourself to grieve. It will take some time to get over the loss. But you will eventually get over the reality

mava
14-11-2010, 01:22 PM
Hi Starbuck,
Please don't feel ashamed because of your grief! It is natural and shows you care. I can't even imagine losing someone so close, that I had such a powerful connection with. I will definitely keep you in my thoughts, hang in there and keep moving forward. :)

Leah85
14-11-2010, 01:47 PM
Dear Starbuck I will be sending you Reiki energy. Maybe after the therapy is concluded you can get in touch by other means (sending e-mails, for example?). It is not ethical to be friends with our therapists, but it's not the first time that a friendship arises after the therapy process, and even more intimate relationships. I have a friend who married to her former psychiatrist... Just to cite an example. Allow yourself to grieve for some time and then ask yourself honestly what you should do. Love and blessings :hug2:

glenos
14-11-2010, 02:13 PM
Healing and understanding sent S. Not a permanat goodbye either. It's just a temporary thing because she has walked into the next room and the best telly ever is showing and she is the star of the show. She has exploded into the light and you will not be forgotten. She'll be back around you in time and feeling the genuiness and care for you as before. Give her time and many good things will happen and be understood.

G x

ces
14-11-2010, 02:28 PM
Sending you some reiki Starbuck

peteyzen
14-11-2010, 02:47 PM
Dear Starbuck, Love is love, and when we lose some one we love , what ever their relationship to us, it hurts and greiveing takes place. I will say a prayer for you dear heart..

LightFilledHeart
14-11-2010, 03:26 PM
I am falling apart please help.

((((((((((((Starbuck)))))))))))))))))))) Grief, in any form, directed at any individual, is a very painful and difficult state to inhabit. My heart goes out to you.

I feel so ashamed because my grief is over the loss of a therapist, but I feel closer to her than any of my family. It is worse than when I had to end my marriage nearly five years ago. I feel really alone because of the stigma attached to grieving for someone who most people would feel I should have left long ago or is associated with 'dependency.'. Most people don't know I see a therapist never mind that I've shared everything with her! She isn't a 'blank slate' therapist; she has been totally invested in me and championed everything I do. I feel very connected to her and we've always been on the same wavelength. I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't for her. I have come so far.

It is normal for you to grieve this loss. This person became an integral part of your life, aiding and assisting you to lift from out of the problems and situations you found challenging in your life. That is of immense value!

This is the first time in my life I'm having to say a permanent goodbye to someone I love and care about so much and I am having a really bad time. I can hardly function I just keep crying desperately.

Perhaps one could argue you became "addicted" to or dependant on her, but how is that different than dependance on a friend or family member? Should the fact that you paid for her services mean you did not come to rely on them for the assistance rendered by same?? Of course not!

I would really appreciate any healing sent my way as selfish as this sounds because I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

I am enfolding you in comforting waves of light and asking that your pain be lifted. I also would like to offer a suggestion that might help you. If your therapist has crossed into spirit (it was not clear to me if we were talking about an actual death here or simply a severing of therapist/client ties for whatever reason), it is not impossible that you can establish a connection to her there when the appropriate amount of time has passed. That is to say when you have healed from your loss and are able to emerge from the dark and heavy sadness you carry which makes it all but impossible for spirits on the other side to penetrate in order to commune with us. Since life goes on, there is no reason you cannot eventually connect with the essence of your therapist and once more feel that bond of friendship and love... it will just be in a different way. She can still guide you and still offer up assistence in the form of answers and suggestions, just as she did when you sat across from her in her office. Right now, though, the best thing you can do is to honor your feelings, allow yourself to feel them, and ask your Higher Self to hold you up and hold the light for you through this difficult time until you are able to do so on your own. As one who has endured grief over the passing of loved ones and important people in my life, that time WILL come, I promise you. All best wishes to you...

Emmalevine
14-11-2010, 03:40 PM
Thanks so much for your kind thoughts everyone. I honestly didn't think my thread would generate many replies so I am touched by everyone's support.

My therapist hasn't died but she is leaving the agency where I see her so it will be a permanent thing. She is very ethical and doesn;t agree with contact after ending so it will be a matter of tying everything up.

I am in state of acute pain after 3 days of thinking I was coping well. I can hardly walk or talk, I just feel choked all the time. I am trying to draw upon my reserves and faith but I feel cut off at the moment and very alone. To be honest I just want my therapist and I know loss is the circle of life but it means so little at the moment.

I had to go to the funeral of a baby a few weeks ago and my therapist played a beautiful piece of music that I'd given her at the very time I was there, so that she could connect with me. This is how supportive, caring and beautiful she is and the very nature of our relationship.

Thanks once again for the support and healing. I feel so isolated because of this relationship and don't really know who to turn to.

Emmalevine
14-11-2010, 03:42 PM
Thanks so much both of you. Just want to reliterate that she hasn't died but she is leaving so it will be a permanent goodbye just as a death would be.

glenos
14-11-2010, 03:52 PM
Death isn't a permanant goodbye. Honest :0)

A songs lyrics come to mind.. "Aint no mountain high enough, aint no valley wide enough.." You'll meet again if you want to?

John32241
14-11-2010, 04:11 PM
Thanks so much for your kind thoughts everyone. I honestly didn't think my thread would generate many replies so I am touched by everyone's support.

My therapist hasn't died but she is leaving the agency where I see her so it will be a permanent thing. She is very ethical and doesn;t agree with contact after ending so it will be a matter of tying everything up.

I am in state of acute pain after 3 days of thinking I was coping well. I can hardly walk or talk, I just feel choked all the time. I am trying to draw upon my reserves and faith but I feel cut off at the moment and very alone. To be honest I just want my therapist and I know loss is the circle of life but it means so little at the moment.

I had to go to the funeral of a baby a few weeks ago and my therapist played a beautiful piece of music that I'd given her at the very time I was there, so that she could connect with me. This is how supportive, caring and beautiful she is and the very nature of our relationship.

Thanks once again for the support and healing. I feel so isolated because of this relationship and don't really know who to turn to.

It is best if you eventually turn to the self.

Grief itself is a process. It stretches a person and twists them in various ways. Some find that it is their dark night of the soul.

However if you can get through it, you will find that there is more to you than you realized. It is You that has the support that you seek.

Best Wishes!!!
John

Emmalevine
14-11-2010, 04:41 PM
Thanks John.

I think I am turning to the self - I am much more self reliant and confident than I have ever been. I think I am grieving because the depth of my therapist's trust in me has got me to this point of believing in myself. I will miss her terribly.

Adrienne
14-11-2010, 05:05 PM
just wondering, if she is leaving, isn't there some way to remain in contact with her ? There is phone, email, MSN or someother kind of messenger service.

I just read in another post of yours - same topic - different location ( rather confusing as one would think answers might overlap ) anyways, forget my idea . I see you mentioned in your other topic, that your therapist doesn't believe in contact after leaving. Perhaps it is time for you to be brave and put to use what she has taught you.

Best wishes to you ~

Racer X
14-11-2010, 06:24 PM
I am falling apart please help.

I feel so ashamed because my grief is over the loss of a therapist, but I feel closer to her than any of my family. It is worse than when I had to end my marriage nearly five years ago. I feel really alone because of the stigma attached to grieving for someone who most people would feel I should have left long ago or is associated with 'dependency.'. Most people don't know I see a therapist never mind that I've shared everything with her! She isn't a 'blank slate' therapist; she has been totally invested in me and championed everything I do. I feel very connected to her and we've always been on the same wavelength. I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't for her. I have come so far.

"Transference" , you have transferred your emotional attachments to your therapist. This is not uncommon, it is all to common. You "believe" her help to be love for you, and it is but not in an emotional way. She may have some of it too! It strikes Therapist and patient alike.....
"This too shall pass"
Sit with it and allow the feelings to just flow without defining "I am this feeling". See it more as a river flowing, your relationship with the Therapist is a leaf cast on the river and it is flowing away. It needs to go, so space can be left for you to grow again. Like a field is turned so next seasons crops can be planted. If the farmer clings to the old crop he has no room for the new one to grow.
Allow the sadness for this moment and then allow it to pass, knowing something new is coming.

This is the first time in my life I'm having to say a permanent goodbye to someone I love and care about so much and I am having a really bad time. I can hardly function I just keep crying desperately.

Permanent? Not one thing in the visible universe is permanent not even goodbyes!

I would really appreciate any healing sent my way as selfish as this sounds because I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

Stop trying to "get through", that creates the illusion there is something to get through! Replace it with "I am sad at our parting. I accept the sad feeling and I allow it to be." Then just sit still and breathe deep and slow. Feel the sadness without defining it, Just allowing it. Pause for several minutes......

Then when you feel ready...

Say
"I love you and I let you go" and pause again.

Then say
"Let me see this in a new way"

and let that go too!

Then return to your daily tasks.
You will be fine.
:smile:

Silver
14-11-2010, 06:49 PM
Starbuck~
everyone here has been so loving and attentive and wise, haven't they.
they've all said about all you need to know to get through and to reach out to you in your scary moment here. I especially liked what John said, but everyone has said something helpful and important for your benefit and comfort.

i thanked my god for this forum and all the beautiful people on it this morning upon waking. it may be the time to turn your attention away from this therapist and friend, who has been your human guide and teacher to the larger world and embrace it as you did her. i too am at a place not unlike yours just a different 'setting'.

just replace 'i want my therapist' to (e.g.) 'i want my teddy bear' or something else that will make you smile.

bless you, Starbuck~
:hug3:

LightFilledHeart
14-11-2010, 08:00 PM
just wondering, if she is leaving, isn't there some way to remain in contact with her ? There is phone, email, MSN or someother kind of messenger service.

I just read in another post of yours - same topic - different location ( rather confusing as one would think answers might overlap ) anyways, forget my idea . I see you mentioned in your other topic, that your therapist doesn't believe in contact after leaving. Perhaps it is time for you to be brave and put to use what she has taught you.

Best wishes to you ~

Oh, the therapist LEFT?? I thought she DIED! (Grief translates to permanent loss, i.e., death, to me!) This puts a whole different spin on things. (And yes, I responded on the other thread too!), because this implies either the therapist felt her client had accomplished all he might with her, OR perhaps that transference was becomming a problem and he might never be able to claim independence if she continued working with him. That is a whole other "can of worms" as they say..!!!

Silver
14-11-2010, 08:02 PM
Oh, the therapist LEFT?? I thought she DIED! (Grief translates to permanent loss, i.e., death, to me!) This puts a whole different spin on things. (And yes, I responded on the other thread too!), because this implies either the therapist felt her client had accomplished all he might with her, OR perhaps that transference was becomming a problem and he might never be able to claim independence if she continued working with him. That is a whole other "can of worms" as they say..!!!

Speaking of the other thread, did you intend to make two different ones or was that an oopsie? If you want, the threads could be merged to make it less confusing...when I saw the one and my reply wasn't in it, I realized there were two that were basically the same. If you want, they can be merged, Starbuck.

Emmalevine
14-11-2010, 08:07 PM
Oh, the therapist LEFT?? I thought she DIED! (Grief translates to permanent loss, i.e., death, to me!) This puts a whole different spin on things. (And yes, I responded on the other thread too!), because this implies either the therapist felt her client had accomplished all he might with her, OR perhaps that transference was becomming a problem and he might never be able to claim independence if she continued working with him. That is a whole other "can of worms" as they say..!!!

My therapist will be leaving the agency where I see her due to unavoidable family commitments - it's nothing to do with her work with me. She doesn't want to leave but she has to. I'm curious as to why you've assumed she's walked out on me as it were? A therapist leaving is usually a case of leaving where they work, not leaving the client.

Emmalevine
14-11-2010, 08:08 PM
Speaking of the other thread, did you intend to make two different ones or was that an oopsie? If you want, the threads could be merged to make it less confusing...when I saw the one and my reply wasn't in it, I realized there were two that were basically the same. If you want, they can be merged, Starbuck.

Thanks Silvergirl, I think a merge would probably be the easiest thing.

Emmalevine
14-11-2010, 08:10 PM
Also, I thought that 'grief' covered a wide range of losses, not simply death. Divorce, loss of job, loss of health etc can all cause grief. A loss of a close relationship is a pretty major cause of grief I would have thought. I'm sorry if I gave the impression it was a death but it's a goodbye so it might as well be for me.

LightFilledHeart
14-11-2010, 08:14 PM
My therapist will be leaving the agency where I see her due to unavoidable family commitments - it's nothing to do with her work with me. She doesn't want to leave but she has to. I'm curious as to why you've assumed she's walked out on me as it were? A therapist leaving is usually a case of leaving where they work, not leaving the client.

I guess because leaving the agency is no reason why the two of you could not continue your work together. I didn't mean to offend you with my comment. Often a therapist ends their work with someone when they feel that person has achieved what they came for and no longer needs therapy. In any case, if it's merely a case of her leaving the specific agency she was working under, why can she not continue to see you on her own? If she does not have a facility or office from which to do so, perhaps she could work with you over the phone temporarily. I do spiritual counseling for clients all over the world via phone and or skype. Just a suggestion.

LightFilledHeart
14-11-2010, 08:18 PM
Also, I thought that 'grief' covered a wide range of losses, not simply death. Divorce, loss of job, loss of health etc can all cause grief. A loss of a close relationship is a pretty major cause of grief I would have thought. I'm sorry if I gave the impression it was a death but it's a goodbye so it might as well be for me.

Indeed, it very well could! I'm so sorry I misunderstood, and I do appreciate your pain. What was the other thread topic you initially posted under? Perhaps that gave me the wrong impression. In any case, as I said, I do appologize for misunderstanding. Nothing about my post was intended to offend you. I wish you all the best!

Emmalevine
14-11-2010, 08:19 PM
She did offer her private practice actually but she lives in another town and it would be difficult to get there (she comes to the agency from quite a long way which I've always appreciated as she does it voluntarily). Also, I had been thinking of leaving her prior to her announcement as I felt the work had essentially been done. I'm struggling more now because she is leaving...I guess it just wasn't what I expected. I had hoped for a 'fazing out' of our therapy but not sure. I need to sit on my feelings for a bit I think.

Emmalevine
14-11-2010, 08:21 PM
Indeed, it very well could! I'm so sorry I misunderstood, and I do appreciate your pain. What was the other thread topic you initially posted under? Perhaps that gave me the wrong impression. In any case, as I said, I do appologize for misunderstanding. Nothing about my post was intended to offend you. I wish you all the best!

No worries - I'm sure I'm extra sensitve at the moment. I think you posted in my other thread under the same name? Unless it was someone else. It's in the Healing section. Thanks for the best wishes.

Emmalevine
14-11-2010, 08:24 PM
Thanks peeps. Racer your words are as wise as ever and yes transference may be a factor but it's not all of it! My therapist has always been real with me and has shared a lot, so while it has been focussed on me I don't see her caring as just part of the job as it were. I care about her as a person and she has cared deeply about me, that's really why it's so hard to let her go.

Thanks for the advice.

Thanks Silvergirl, yes I share your gratitude over this site - it is amazing and I draw a lot of comfort from being here and sharing. I think I will get through this one step at a time.

LightFilledHeart
14-11-2010, 08:52 PM
No worries - I'm sure I'm extra sensitve at the moment. I think you posted in my other thread under the same name? Unless it was someone else. It's in the Healing section. Thanks for the best wishes.

I'm sure I would be ultra-sensitive in your place,too! I do truly wish you well, and I hope you and your therapist can figure out a way to continue to work together in some fashion. Comforting light being extended your way! :hug:

Leonine
14-11-2010, 11:52 PM
Of course grief and grieving come into matters other than death, Starbuck :hug2: so your feelings over the parting from your therapist are normal and not out of place.

But, remembering that this is being done above any beyond your or her choice, we kind of have to assume it's being done FOR you, on your behalf for some reason. The time to move on and up is upon you, perhaps.:hug:

So, take a deep, brave breath and say "Yes" to the next step or phase, and become a testament to the good help she has given you.

Once upon a time, you didn't know her, but allowed yourself to meet with her and benefitted greatly....

....who yet knows who you are to meet next and what further benefits await you!

On and Up, Starbuck. And every best wish with it.

Leonine

Emmalevine
10-12-2010, 01:15 PM
My heart is breaking with grief. I can't cope.

I thought I was over the worst, at least for the time being until my therapist and I actually end, but I saw her yesterday and I've been thrown into unbearable emotional chaos.

I spent yesterday evening and most of the night sobbing uncontrollably and in such despair I questioned being able to live through it all. I remember trying to ask for help from spirit but feeling cut off, I physcially crawled onto a place where I keep my crystals and beautiful shells to try and make contact with it. I was in such acute pain I don't think I knew what I was doing.

I woke up this morning feeling no better, sobbing non stop, then made myself go to my son's Christmas nativity which I'd only found out about this morning. I didn't honestly want to go as didn't have the emotional strength, but I forced myself. Got there - only to discover he wasn't in it anyway. It's always an emotional time as my son goes to a disabled school but I didn't realise he wasn't in the play this year. Then I got an abusive text message from my ex husband cos I'd told him my son's play WASN'T today - I'd thought it was next week. I tried to contact him this morning once I found out but he was in bed and didn't get the message.

Back home and just want to die. Yes its grief, yes its bloody natural, yes we all go through it, yes it gets better, yes its an ending and I will probably move on YES YES YES and bloody more yeses. I don't care. I don't want to stop seeing my therapist. I feel closer to her than any of my family. I have told her everything, she has give me so much strength but I don't know if I can do it without her. I care about her so much, nothing seemed as bad when I could talk to her about it. Now I'm alone, frightened, desperate and can't live like this. I feel like I'm falling apart all over again. I've had so much loss this year - never known anything like it. I'm not close to my family and it's difficult to talk to friends about this level of grief over a counsellor because they've never been to counselling. I'm trying hard to move on believe me but this is such a terrible time. I need the time and space to work through this ending but i'm scared at how painful it is.

If anyone can send any healing again I'd be grateful.

Emmalevine
11-12-2010, 04:44 PM
I guess there's nothing more anyone can say to the above really.

I don't have anyone to talk to so it's my way of reaching out./ Sorry if it's dramatic, over the top or whatever, it purely comes from my heart right now.

Thanks for anyone who read/understands

Silver
11-12-2010, 05:04 PM
Hi starbuck, good morning to you.
I understand what it like to feel like your in a sea of emotions.
It's been quite some time since I hugged my teddy bears ( now I have 3) and I'd been thinking about my son and I had not lain where I found him and just hugged my teddy bears and usually I immediately start crying but have been going through new phases of grieving for Sean. I laid there and thought, just let whatever thoughts came, it took some time but eventually cried in waves. It is very helpful to let the feelings flow, whatever they may be, realizing there will be an end, and then can pick self up and go on about life.

Emmalevine
11-12-2010, 06:35 PM
Thank you Silvergirl. Yes you're right, I think a lot of it is about acceptance, letting whatever it is be in the moment, having faith that it will pass. It's very hard when it feels so overwhelming but my dreams are a bit of comfort at the moment. I'm not crying all the time, and only did briefly today, but Thursday frightened me - it was a new intensity. I'm going to try to just let it be, as I said. Thanks for empathising, and I'm truly sorry for Sean.

Silver
11-12-2010, 08:13 PM
Yes, it is all about accepting ~ accepting that it IS overwhelming. It makes it bearable. Feeling it for all that there is within your emotions as you go through the overwhelming moments ~ key ~ they ARE moments. It seems like a vast ocean worth of moments but only because of the intensity. If you allow that and not fight it, you will go through it quicker or it will seem quicker because you did not bar the intensity or resist it. I wouldn't say this if I hadn't experienced that acceptance personally. I was amazed at how well it works to let the intensity build to whatever height it will.

TheDivine
14-12-2010, 12:40 AM
Starbuck,

I can feel your grief and pain, so know that I am here for you.

I have moved around a lot in my life, including internationally, and I have met a lot of wonderful people who have helped me along in my journey. Some of these people I would call therapists even though they have no official credentials. Others were official. In any case, these people had huge impacts on my life and shifted my mind in ways I never thought possible. The first few times I had to leave people like that, I was heartbroken. I wondered what I would do and how I would move on.

It can be hard to deal with separation, especially from those who have been such a consistent form of support for you. But I want to encourage you to look at this from a slightly different angle: the relationship you had with this person had a fixed time limit. Before you two were ever born, you made a pact to meet up in this life and have the relationship that you had. Even if you don't believe in that, look at it this way: she was here to teach you lessons, to help you a long, and to help you expand as a spiritual being moving through this human life. You feel lost without her, but the other thing you must gradually come to realize is that even though she helped you, it was you who was doing the work, not her. She was just the facilitator, using all of the tools that she knew about to help you arrive at lessons and realizations.

If you allow the panic and anxiety of this moment to overcome you, you will temporarily lose sight of all the good work that you have done with this therapist. Once you bring yourself back in alignment with the fact that you are okay, that you have learned and grown, and that you have the strength to continue, you will cultivate acceptance for what has happened.

I want to tell you a little bit about the heart chakra. The heart centre is arguably the most important energy centre in your body. It governs your spirit as well as your mind.

It also deals with love, and is blocked by grief. You have indeed suffered a great loss and I am not going to try and gloss over that. But let me tell you something about love. It is a form of energy and it swirls all around us, at all times. The Divine, or God, or whatever you want to call it, and all of its loving influences, are here at all times. The love and compassion your therapist showed you have not left this world; it is still inside of your heart, and it will be reborn in the form of new love.

I guarantee you that your therapist will not be the last person to come into your life with amazing lessons and tools to help you along. There are healers all around us, in every community, in every corner of the world, and they are not always who you would expect them to be. With time, once your grief has been transformed, you will gain a new openness and appreciation to the diverse number of souls who are here that can help you through.

Please try to have faith and trust right now, that things are going to be okay, that the separation was necessary and part of a plan, and that with the passing of one relationship comes room for the birth of another. By thanking your therapist and honouring her in your heart for all of her good work, and lovingly letting go of her, you will be creating space for the next set of lessons to enter your life. In fact, what is happening to you right now is a lesson in growth, and I honour that in you.

You are going to be fine and do great, I promise. :)

inspirit
14-12-2010, 05:56 AM
Thanks so much for your kind thoughts everyone. I honestly didn't think my thread would generate many replies so I am touched by everyone's support.

My therapist hasn't died but she is leaving the agency where I see her so it will be a permanent thing. She is very ethical and doesn;t agree with contact after ending so it will be a matter of tying everything up.

I am in state of acute pain after 3 days of thinking I was coping well. I can hardly walk or talk, I just feel choked all the time. I am trying to draw upon my reserves and faith but I feel cut off at the moment and very alone. To be honest I just want my therapist and I know loss is the circle of life but it means so little at the moment.

I had to go to the funeral of a baby a few weeks ago and my therapist played a beautiful piece of music that I'd given her at the very time I was there, so that she could connect with me. This is how supportive, caring and beautiful she is and the very nature of our relationship.

Thanks once again for the support and healing. I feel so isolated because of this relationship and don't really know who to turn to.

That doesn't sound very ethical to me. I can understand that she might need to end the patient-therapist relationship and tie that up, but that doesn't mean that you can't continue to be friends. That's the trouble with being a therapist. In the short term it is fine to get paid to be someone's friend and champion, but in the long term it can become problematic if the money stops flowing because of the trauma caused at ending the relationship. I'm not saying it's an easy position to be in but I think a good therapist will know how to set good boundaries and when it's appropriate or desirable to bend or extend the boundaries for patients.

TheDivine
14-12-2010, 06:46 AM
That doesn't sound very ethical to me. I can understand that she might need to end the patient-therapist relationship and tie that up, but that doesn't mean that you can't continue to be friends. That's the trouble with being a therapist. In the short term it is fine to get paid to be someone's friend and champion, but in the long term it can become problematic if the money stops flowing because of the trauma caused at ending the relationship. I'm not saying it's an easy position to be in but I think a good therapist will know how to set good boundaries and when it's appropriate or desirable to bend or extend the boundaries for patients.
I can understand both sides in this case. Some professionals need to maintain a boundary and when they are packing up shop to move to a new location and see new patients, they don't have the resources to help old clients from a distance.

The other thing is that because she was with an agency, that agency may not want her to take clients with her. She may have even signed a legally binding document to that effect. This is a common business practice in therapy fields, although it's one that I don't agree with.

Emmalevine
16-12-2010, 05:27 PM
Starbuck,

I can feel your grief and pain, so know that I am here for you.

I have moved around a lot in my life, including internationally, and I have met a lot of wonderful people who have helped me along in my journey. Some of these people I would call therapists even though they have no official credentials. Others were official. In any case, these people had huge impacts on my life and shifted my mind in ways I never thought possible. The first few times I had to leave people like that, I was heartbroken. I wondered what I would do and how I would move on.

It can be hard to deal with separation, especially from those who have been such a consistent form of support for you. But I want to encourage you to look at this from a slightly different angle: the relationship you had with this person had a fixed time limit. Before you two were ever born, you made a pact to meet up in this life and have the relationship that you had. Even if you don't believe in that, look at it this way: she was here to teach you lessons, to help you a long, and to help you expand as a spiritual being moving through this human life. You feel lost without her, but the other thing you must gradually come to realize is that even though she helped you, it was you who was doing the work, not her. She was just the facilitator, using all of the tools that she knew about to help you arrive at lessons and realizations.

If you allow the panic and anxiety of this moment to overcome you, you will temporarily lose sight of all the good work that you have done with this therapist. Once you bring yourself back in alignment with the fact that you are okay, that you have learned and grown, and that you have the strength to continue, you will cultivate acceptance for what has happened.

I want to tell you a little bit about the heart chakra. The heart centre is arguably the most important energy centre in your body. It governs your spirit as well as your mind.

It also deals with love, and is blocked by grief. You have indeed suffered a great loss and I am not going to try and gloss over that. But let me tell you something about love. It is a form of energy and it swirls all around us, at all times. The Divine, or God, or whatever you want to call it, and all of its loving influences, are here at all times. The love and compassion your therapist showed you have not left this world; it is still inside of your heart, and it will be reborn in the form of new love.

I guarantee you that your therapist will not be the last person to come into your life with amazing lessons and tools to help you along. There are healers all around us, in every community, in every corner of the world, and they are not always who you would expect them to be. With time, once your grief has been transformed, you will gain a new openness and appreciation to the diverse number of souls who are here that can help you through.

Please try to have faith and trust right now, that things are going to be okay, that the separation was necessary and part of a plan, and that with the passing of one relationship comes room for the birth of another. By thanking your therapist and honouring her in your heart for all of her good work, and lovingly letting go of her, you will be creating space for the next set of lessons to enter your life. In fact, what is happening to you right now is a lesson in growth, and I honour that in you.

You are going to be fine and do great, I promise. :)

Oh The Divine what a lovely post, and I so touched to read it. Thanks very much for reaching out, it means a lot. All you've said makes sense and while it feels so very hard to separate, I can see that my therapist was part of my life to enable me to grow in certain ways and that this growth will continue without her as faciliator. My grief feels devastating but I'm trying to understand that grief isn't just about having to suffer but it opens the heart and prepares the way for new love and space. My dreams do seem to be about freedom right now. Funnily enough my therapist said today (I'm still seeing her until Jauary) that we meet people when we need them, when that time is right. And equally, we also let go when that time comes. I believe that is true.

I will print your post out if you don't mind - it has really comforted me.

Emmalevine
16-12-2010, 05:32 PM
That doesn't sound very ethical to me. I can understand that she might need to end the patient-therapist relationship and tie that up, but that doesn't mean that you can't continue to be friends. That's the trouble with being a therapist. In the short term it is fine to get paid to be someone's friend and champion, but in the long term it can become problematic if the money stops flowing because of the trauma caused at ending the relationship. I'm not saying it's an easy position to be in but I think a good therapist will know how to set good boundaries and when it's appropriate or desirable to bend or extend the boundaries for patients.

Well to be honest Inspirit while I totally see your point most Governing bodies consider it unethical for a therapist to become friends with a client, either during or after therapy. This is because it's essentially a professional relationship and not a friendship and people can end up badly hurt as a result. The therapist is there for the client, normally until the client makes the decision to move on, and hence the client doesn't usually know much about the therapist. In my case my therapist is leaving but I do have the option to see her at a later date on a private basis. However, it's unlikely I will do this due to feeling it's really time to move on from what she has given me.

Some therapists allow some contact post-therapy as a sort of 'holding' but it runs into all sorts of complications. I had this with my ex T and I never really gained closure from it. I wish in a way my current therapist would allow some contact but I see and understand that she does not, and also that perhaps I need to experience the totality of the ending in order to grow and move on.

Emmalevine
16-12-2010, 05:36 PM
I can understand both sides in this case. Some professionals need to maintain a boundary and when they are packing up shop to move to a new location and see new patients, they don't have the resources to help old clients from a distance.

The other thing is that because she was with an agency, that agency may not want her to take clients with her. She may have even signed a legally binding document to that effect. This is a common business practice in therapy fields, although it's one that I don't agree with.

Yes The Divine, the latter is an issue although fortunately this agency have agreed that my therapist can see clients from the agency but after a break of 2-3 months. This is so clients have the space and opportunity to be clear they want to see the therapist and it doesn't appear so much like the therapist is simply taking all her clients from the agency to fund her private practice. The decision is then ultimately the client's, as it should be.

As I said to In-spirit, most therapists consider the therapy as ended once the therapy itself stops and hence there is usually no further contact. Some may offer it but it isn't always helpful.

Perspective
16-12-2010, 07:16 PM
Hi Starbuck,
I experienced something similar before.
After getting close & feeling more loved than I'd ever felt before, ties were completely cut. Not only that but I happened to give a way of contacting me before ties were cut. But only they could contact me, not visa versa, but they didn't. It hurt so much emotionally that I even felt pain physically.

As bad as it was, I'm grateful for that experience. I learned what this particular person was trying to teach me before...
that love, the appreciation, the connection all came from me. They may "water a seed" within me, but it has to be within me to blossom.
It really seems like it comes from them - but everything we feel is filtered through our minds...
How freeing to realize that!!
I've often prayed to feel self-secure so that I wouldn't be so dependent nor so deeply hurt & I'm getting there.

Emmalevine
17-12-2010, 09:07 AM
Hi Perspective

Thanks for sharing your experience. I can imagine how much not hearing from them must have hurt you. It's wonderful to hear you came to a place of feeling grateful for the experience and realising that it came from within you. I can see what a powerful thing it is to learn. I am also trying to remember that while I am deeply grateful for my therapist and what I've learnt from seeing her, it was my choice to open up to her, to experience the connection that I did, and therefore it's within me. I can therefore continue to carry it. It's not something 'out there' but something always with me. It is indeed powerful to remember that.

I struggle too with feeling secure within, but I'm slowly but surely I'm starting to.

Perspective
17-12-2010, 11:45 PM
Starbuck,
How kind of you to empathize. :hug3:
It sounds like we're both striving in similar ways.

Emmalevine
19-12-2010, 10:29 AM
No worries Perspective. One thing I've learnt recently is although people's situations are often very different, the emotions are what we all experience. We all know loss no matter what form it takes. We all know how it is to have to let go and move on.

glenos
19-12-2010, 10:42 AM
I dont let go, I and them hold on tighter because love cannot separate us. They are in the "same room" only experiencing a different vibe.
I have seen my brother, my father, and my mother make the transition from this world to the next. Grief is a totally understandable emotion but as they say... when we "die" those who are left behind are filled with tears and say "there they go." Those in Spirit are filled with incredible joy and they say "here they come!"
Yes we have to move on in a 9 to 5 kinda way and to a point our grief can hold them back but it is a fact that we survive physical death and one day I pray that the whole world understands this.

G

Emmalevine
19-12-2010, 10:52 AM
That's beautiful Glenos, it's such a gift to have been given proof of eternal life. Yes I think there's a difference between moving on in the material sense due to them no longer being on this plane, but knowing we will see them again in another form.

While I have not lost someone through death, I am also comforted by the thought that connections are never truly lost and that meeting again in some form is possible.

bluelight
19-12-2010, 11:44 AM
I am falling apart please help.

I feel so ashamed because my grief is over the loss of a therapist, but I feel closer to her than any of my family. It is worse than when I had to end my marriage nearly five years ago. I feel really alone because of the stigma attached to grieving for someone who most people would feel I should have left long ago or is associated with 'dependency.'. Most people don't know I see a therapist never mind that I've shared everything with her! She isn't a 'blank slate' therapist; she has been totally invested in me and championed everything I do. I feel very connected to her and we've always been on the same wavelength. I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't for her. I have come so far.

This is the first time in my life I'm having to say a permanent goodbye to someone I love and care about so much and I am having a really bad time. I can hardly function I just keep crying desperately.

I would really appreciate any healing sent my way as selfish as this sounds because I don't know how I'm going to get through this.



Some wise words about grief that i hope will help You find Your way out off Your grief...


If you're going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill

Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal. ~Author Unknown

Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it. ~Jacques Prévert

As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us. ~Sascha, as posted on motivateus.com

One joy shatters a hundred griefs ~ Chinese Proverbs


P.S.-Nobody can heal You better than Yourself...:)
My thoughts are with You...:hug2:

Uma
19-12-2010, 12:02 PM
Starbuck,

I feel your pain but I know that strong healing can and usually does come from strong medicine so I can't help but feel that your therapist's moving away means that you are ready to make it on your own (or that you are ready for a new phase in your life - perhaps with a new kind of mentor). I'm sure that thought feels scarey and painful, which is why it is strong medicine...but take a spoonful and see what happens. Let go and move on. Otherwise you will wallow in self pity forever, as some people do, and continue to invite people to your "pity party" with you (as they say in 12 step meetings), remaining a victim and not growing from the experience. I've been there. I know what I'm talking about.

Just remember. God is ever with you. You are never alone.
And God helps those who help themselves.

Best of luck,
:hug3:
Uma

Emmalevine
19-12-2010, 12:47 PM
Hmm I'm not self pitying, I'm grieving. There's a very big difference. I don't feel it's possible for me to move on without addressing the pain I feel at the loss because it's been such a close relationship. Now that I am addressing it and feeling the pain, it's less intense and I'm beginning to let go. I feel that what the relationship has given me, is within me and always will be. What was true for you isn't true for me at this point in time.

Great quotes Bluelight thanks.