Meeting someone who brings out your shadow

[Emmalevine]

I'm normally a very easygoing person and get on well with most people. Even when I don't particularly have much in common with a person there is never any friction, we make polite conversation and move on.

However, I've got this one friend who I've never met in person, only emailed, text and spoken to on the phone, and for some reason she irritates the living hell out of me.

Everything I say or do seems to make her feel attacked, and pretty much everything she says or does has me prickling with irritation, sometimes as much as full scale rage. This is very unlike me. I have also found myself wanting to pick a fight and even her very brief texts seem to give me reason to 'pick.' I can't understand why I'm getting these reactions, well at least, I sort of can but...

I suspect this person is bringing out the shadow side of myself, but I don't know how to manage or deal with it because I don't yet know what these aspects of myself are. I have tried feeling compassion for this person but I can't. She just makes me angry. I have tried being rational about this, telling myself she is where she is and that is that, but nothing works. I am so angry that I am considering breaking off all contact.

Should I call this friendship a day or try to resolve this? I don't want to ignore a valuable opportunity to meet my shadow if this is what this is about. I would welcome any tips on how I can do this. At the moment we've had another 'row' over text and she might well cut contact anyway. I have just text to say sorry but if I'm honest I don't feel sorry at the moment, I just feel angry. I am really trying to feel compassion towards this person but I have a block and simply can't :icon_frown:

[Kaere]

I think it's perfectly acceptable to move on from a "friendship" that isn't working. Once you recognize that there's a "darker" side to yourself that you'd like to either work on or just accept, there's no reason to keep the trigger around imo. You can simply say "thank you for making me more aware of my whole self" and let her go, if that's what you wish.

I'm not sure I've said this just right, but I hope you understand what I mean.

[Emmalevine]

Thanks Kaere, yes that does make sense.

We met on another forum when we were both in a similar emotional place and our friendship was intially based on that. I think now I've moved on into new emotional territory and she's still dealing with her stuff; however I'm aware her 'stuff' is still quite triggering.

She has been a lot of help to me and does try to be supportive which is why I can't understand this. If she hated me or wanted to make my life unpleasant my anger would make sense, but she doesn't. I'm aware I pereive her as emotionally detached and feel she lacks genuine warmth and interest, but nothing so major that would be causing this.

I hear what you're saying and appreciate that view. I'd be thinking I should work it out if it's a lesson to learn but again maybe that's too much pressure on myself and perhaps its best to say this friendship has run its course.

[Silver]

Thanks Kaere, yes that does make sense.

We met on another forum when we were both in a similar emotional place and our friendship was intially based on that. I think now I've moved on into new emotional territory and she's still dealing with her stuff; however I'm aware her 'stuff' is still quite triggering.

She has been a lot of help to me and does try to be supportive which is why I can't understand this. If she hated me or wanted to make my life unpleasant my anger would make sense, but she doesn't. I'm aware I pereive her as emotionally detached and feel she lacks genuine warmth and interest, but nothing so major that would be causing this.

I hear what you're saying and appreciate that view. I'd be thinking I should work it out if it's a lesson to learn but again maybe that's too much pressure on myself and perhaps its best to say this friendship has run its course.

Hmmm, perhaps it's because of a layer of reasons:

1. She reminds you of where you used to be and don't want to return.
2. You have deep sympathy and empathy for where she is and your nurturing nature doesn't want to abandon her, but you feel you might have to do just that.
3. Your perception of her being not tremendously warm is too close to the border of what you feel is acceptable deep down.

My 2 pennies.

[Ivy]

I agree with keare re the friend. Keeping the friend that triggers your shadow side is sometimes a means to keeping an excuse to blame another - the shadow is within you, not in the friend. It is worth bearing in mind that when an issue arises within you, it is entirely possible to mis-judge another. In this way, its not the friend you need to find compassion for, it is yourself.

Perhaps you need to take a step back from the triggers and take a moment to ask - what am I feeling - try to keep reasons out of this and simply look at the layers of emotions youre experiencing. When you have accepted what is there, then you might look at the thoughts you have attached to the feelings...but everytime you start to think...'I am feeling angry because THEY HAVE DONE/SAID/MEANT THIS...' just stop and try again without blaming the 'other'. I kind of feel inadequate saying this to you, because its something thats learned through trial and error and keeping going until you 'get it' for yourself. Its not something that can be explained in a couple of sentences, but I hope you will find a start in this.

[Emmalevine]

Silvergirl - thanks yes I think there's truth in all of those.

Heather - very wise! A bit earlier I was pondering and realised there is an element of me that wants to be 'right' and make my friend 'wrong' and in fact I asked another friend's opinion to clarify this. Interesting how I recently answered another thread saying I never blame either! Guilty as charged!

It makes a lot of sense that it is compassion for myself I need to find and not for her. It also makes sense that if I kept my friend around it might be as a way of keeping her as the object of my anger rather than searching for it within myself.

I hear what you mean and will try to examine where the triggers are from and what they're saying to me.

[Gerryh]

Starbuck, You have evolved beyond this person.Wish her well on her journey and maybe she will understand your point of view one day.I myself would say adios.
Best wishes Gerry

[Kapitan_Prien]

I agree with what Kaere said totally.

See there is a difference between a 'transient' situation and a 'permanent' situation. A permanent situation would be abusive relationships...transient would be like dealing with an annoying customer at work. But if the cons start outweighing the pros in the latter situation - then it's time to call it 'quits' and go elsewhere.

[Kapitan_Prien]

Heather: I agree with keare re the friend. Keeping the friend that triggers your shadow side is sometimes a means to keeping an excuse to blame another - the shadow is within you, not in the friend. It is worth bearing in mind that when an issue arises within you, it is entirely possible to mis-judge another. In this way, its not the friend you need to find compassion for, it is yourself.

Exactly.

[blackfellawhitefella]

so why shoot the messenger then ?
friends are what its all about.

its your issue not hers.

(heres an ability to respond to your responsibility, if you so desire.)

when triggered , take two conscious breaths

as you breathe in , say to yourself : i love you
as you breathe out , say to yourself : please forgive me

as you breathe in , say to yourself : i am sorry
as you breathe out , say to yourself : thankyou

repeat if necessary

[Xan]

What a gift! For someone to mirror your shadow side without trying, so that it no longer remains unconsciously affecting your life.

What an opportunity! To find ways to heal and release your negativity.

You'll be glad you did.


blessings
Xan