my inner conflict: I'm bad but i don't want to harm random people

[SpaceCamel]

My problem is as follows:

I feel naturaly confident and good when I assume others are bad people by default, so I can act aggresively and angry and such behavior makes me free. It's not without reason - I like to dominate and feel power over others.

But as I'm smart I know that not all people are bad, and most of them act nice. This creates inner conflict. When I want to enforce myself be good, I take my outbursting energy and direct it inside me. Then I feel like ****.

And interesting moment is this: Usually, when I meet new company, I unconsciously try to be good, but from side it looks like I'm shy or fearful. YES I'm fearful at this position because I don't want to harm others with my inner monster attitude and I want people to love me, but it NEVER works this way. I call this "weak mode".

However, ironically, when I'm in "bad mode", then usually SOME people are gravitating towards me (they just talk with me more easily), but there is also negative side: others feel fear, I can see it. So it's my fault or theirs that they feel fear ? I really don't want to harm others I simply want to get done things in my life as I WANT and that's all! Of course, if someone would mess with in my way I can eat him alive.

So far, so good: I think that "bad mode" is my natural state, it's my vibrating frequency. I can gradually consciously switch to fulltime bad mode and assume that everyone is **** by default and think this AT THE FULLEST. And never look back for weak mode.

THE PROBLEM: I'm completely certain that thoughts have power, so I have fear that by thinking everyone is ****, I actually would create reality where I have around people who truly are bad ? And by going more far, it would get more worse ?
I know, it also depends on how I look at this situation. I can program myself to think "everything will be good. I need this to achieve goals, so it's my mode of action, it would make my life better", so it balances my negativity and positivity ? And because of this I would not be punished by our united energy field (I mean what you call God) ?

edited by SF staff

[SpaceCamel]

Which people I like actually ? Those, which are similar to me: brave and honest. But such people are rare, especially at bravery side.

One more thought: However, if I act as I want, I get more happy, and when I get more happy, I can appreciate and accept others more. I know this works, it's one more source of positive energy which can outgrow negative energy.

What are your opinions ?

[Nameless]

Spacey - a few thoughts. You state you like to dominate and have power over others, but it sounds like that is what you are trying to do to yourself....and if you believe people are (fill in the blank) then I believe you can create that in your life, so I would agree with you on that.

My question to you is: why do you care so much about what other people think about you? I think that is where the disconnect is, and it is a disconnect that we are all born into in this time space reality called the 21st century (or the 20th century, where it came from). Why do we all care so much about what others think about us, when it never matters what others think about us, it only matters what we think about ourselves? No one can live your life for you, no one can love you for you, only you can love you for you, no one can make you feel better about yourself other than yourself (I know I have tried to make others feel better about themselves, but it never really sticks if they don't believe what I am saying about them.)

So, if you can play the game: I only care what I think about myself and others, I don't care what others think about me: for one week, it will uncover for you some of the things you are telling yourself about yourself, and it is only when they are uncovered that you can acknowledge them for what they are - the beliefs that you hold about yourself.

Then you can ask yourself, why do I believe that/ Who taught me that? Why did they teach me that - was it a good intention or a bad one? Our parents, our teachers, our school systems, or religions, all teach us how to behave, and in that, we learn how to think about ourselves.

Just some thoughts - sounded like you were worried there was something wrong with you - it's called, living in this life without a rule book, and learning how to love ourselves without one........good luck with your introspection

[Medicine_Dog]

What are your opinions ?

The willingness/ability to connect with other people is dependent on the functional stack of the psych. Most people are Feeler types, or place priority on common social exchanges. However, there are a few of us that do not place as high of value on such "exchanges"-- The Thinkers...

The Thinkers suck at Feeling/caring until later in life.:eek:

When you first start trying to care it's awkward but you'll get better at it..Alternatively, you could do like I do and make fun of everybody, it won't help develop functions but it sure is fun! :icon_joker:

[Seekerofsolace]

I'm gonna add my $0.02 to this post. I think you should go see a counselor. It really does help to get the help of a trained mental professional on issues like this. I know it helps me. It sounds like going "power" mode is a defense mechanism. You might feel weak opening yourself up to other, so having power over them is your "go to" reaction to prevent that from happening. Just be yourself (cliche I know) but I will add this to the cliche, Who are you really? You cannot be yourself if you don't know who you truly are.

[SpaceCamel]

My question to you is: why do you care so much about what other people think about you?
....
So, if you can play the game: I only care what I think about myself and others, I don't care what others think about me: for one week, it will uncover for you some of the things you are telling yourself about yourself, and it is only when they are uncovered that you can acknowledge them for what they are - the beliefs that you hold about yourself.

I would like to be completely careless BUT I have real evidence in my life that thoughts have power and God is watching me, so I'm afraid not what people think about me but from spiritual standpoint, is God ok with my behavior. Actually, this is stupid question. I already know indicators of when life situation gets worse. So, ok I will experiment.

The willingness/ability to connect with other people is dependent on the functional stack of the psych. Most people are Feeler types, or place priority on common social exchanges. However, there are a few of us that do not place as high of value on such "exchanges"-- The Thinkers...
Yes, I'm real thinker. To feel something, I first need to have a concept of this feeling in my head, to be able associate words with this feeling. Then, with suggestion and will I can slowly open awareness towards it, and identify in future situations and have reaction plan.

I'm gonna add my $0.02 to this post. I think you should go see a counselor. It really does help to get the help of a trained mental professional on issues like this. I know it helps me. It sounds like going "power" mode is a defense mechanism. You might feel weak opening yourself up to other, so having power over them is your "go to" reaction to prevent that from happening. Just be yourself (cliche I know) but I will add this to the cliche, Who are you really? You cannot be yourself if you don't know who you truly are.
Ok maybe I should try find counselor. But I'm sceptical about them. Most of them are not so smart to help me. But if I continously search then maybe I can find one. HAHA fail! Power of thoughts. I assume they are not smart so it's logical I will find such ones first.

But I'm not sure counselor's words can help me. Usually, I need to have some "click" in my head which I get through my own experiences, not by hearing someone talking things.

Yes, I already know who I am in my core. But it's real problem with that. I'm little confused unloved child. And actually my "weak mode" of behavior displays something from this core image. PROBLEM is that I'm adult and I can't act as child and display my true face. It will not work in adult world. People will not take me serious un able to get things done.
So I have no choice and continue wear my mask, fight for betterment, get validation that I'm good... by any means.

[Medicine_Dog]

The wounded child archetype holds the memory of abuse, neglect and other trauma from the past. It's shadow function renders itself as "self pity" and a "unforgiving" nature.

Your thinking your way into a corner-- Forgive & Forget the past. The wounded child does not have to be Wounded, as a matter of fact at some point, it was just a child. This child like perception of the world is advantageous in this scenario, by judging people by their actions as opposed to preconceived notions.

Just because you work functionally different than most, doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. On the other hand; it doesn't mean something is wrong with everyone else either. So perhaps it isn't healthy labeling them negatively..:smile:

Just some thoughts.. :cool:

[good day]

My problem is as follows:

I feel naturaly confident and good when I assume others are bad people by default, so I can act aggresively and angry and such behavior makes me free. It's not without reason - I like to dominate and feel power over others.

But as I'm smart I know that not all people are bad, and most of them act nice. This creates inner conflict. When I want to enforce myself be good, I take my outbursting energy and direct it inside me. Then I feel like sh*t.

And interesting moment is this: Usually, when I meet new company, I unconsciously try to be good, but from side it looks like I'm shy or fearful. YES I'm fearful at this position because I don't want to harm others with my inner monster attitude and I want people to love me, but it NEVER works this way. I call this "weak mode".

However, ironically, when I'm in "bad mode", then usually SOME people are gravitating towards me (they just talk with me more easily), but there is also negative side: others feel fear, I can see it. So it's my fault or theirs that they feel fear ? I really don't want to harm others I simply want to get done things in my life as I WANT and that's all! Of course, if someone would mess with in my way I can eat him alive.

So far, so good: I think that "bad mode" is my natural state, it's my vibrating frequency. I can gradually consciously switch to fulltime bad mode and assume that everyone is sh*t by default and think this AT THE FULLEST. And never look back for weak mode.

THE PROBLEM: I'm completely certain that thoughts have power, so I have fear that by thinking everyone is sh*t, I actually would create reality where I have around people who truly are sh*t ? And by going more far, it would get more worse ?
I know, it also depends on how I look at this situation. I can program myself to think "everything will be good. I need this to achieve goals, so it's my mode of action, it would make my life better", so it balances my negativity and positivity ? And because of this I would not be punished by our united energy field (I mean what you call God) ?

The good thing is that you are so aware and the fact that you want to change, shows a sincere soul.
Keep on as you are and you will eventually change .
But you are being honest with yourself and that is what is important.
The troubled part is not you, so don't blame yourself.

Louise

[SpiritCarrier]

To me it sounds like you know your thinking is incorrect but need to find some way to direct the negative energy you feel?

My solution to this is to get into kickboxing, running, some sort of sport that allows you to see your opponent as the enemy and then do your best to win the match. Get all those aggressive and harmful negative energies out of your system, I mean work it out so much that you can't stand if need be.

I have to do this on occasion, I get frustrated with the world and my life and anything else sometimes and just kicking butt sometimes makes me feel better.

As for how you feel about others and yourself, this is something that you need to seek counsel about, maybe with your guide or like was suggested a physiotherapist.

I wish you well and hope that you will try my suggestions. It works for me.

[Free_Spirit1983]

I see a lot of shadow here, lots of personas you act out in order to be accepted..

ad the outbursting energy that you hold inside I think is due to the amount of energy you use playing out these persona's, keeping these masks in place, stopping them from slipping..

What also stands out is what you mentioned about wanting to overpower & control.. you also mentioned weakness! Have you ever felt helpless and weak before in your life, somebody close to you maybe in childhood has hurt you?

(Don't have to answer that here, it's personal!)

If this is the case then what happens is we put our vulnerability or weakness into our shadow, and we replace it with the mask that tells the world we are "Overpowering" or even "Bad" because when we were good, weak or vulnerable we got hurt and we don't want the same thing to happen again..

We all have shadow parts / personas from rejected parts of ourselves from our conditioning, this isn't something to beat yourself up about or feel bad about, there';s lots of info out there and very simple ways to work with these pieces should you choose to do so.. I'd suggest starting with Robert Blys analogy of the Shadow Bag and see if anything resonates with you..

I'll leave it there for now..

[Simon_Templar]

being self aware is the possession of the ladder of logic - and from the burn I can tell that you are close to the top - but don't skip any rungs

[Belle]

What is good?

What is bad?

Who is defining this?

Perhaps it is all part of the whole, the greater part, and let it be, accept it - sometimes that brings a greater peace.

Thoughts do have power. I am sensitive so I can detect a thought behind a word. It's confusing. And I'm a powerful person so if I have a negative thought about someone - well it has an impact - and so on and so forth. Thought power - it's no small business. That's why I try to morph to the position of acceptance of what it is - for those I like and those I don't. Because we are all part of a greater picture.

[Ummon]

You may wish to pursue martial arts, it will give you a physical outlet and instill discipline & harmony in your mind. You may find others there who are honest and brave.