Anyone share this feeling?

[Emmalevine]

Please note I'm not in a difficult place right now. I hope it's okay to post this here.

I've had (and continue to have) a difficult life, although things have improved to some extent now. I've made a lot of progress with difficult thoughts and feelings and feel quite connected spiritually. It ebbs and flows of course, but I manage my emotions far better too and any emotional reaction is short lived.

So on the face of it, I'm doing well. However...

since I was a teenager I've struggled with suicidal thoughts. They have returned frequently throughout my life. I went through a bad patch earlier this year and started taking antidepressants but then cut down because I don't like taking meds. I'm not sure they did anything.

The thing is, I don't even feel depressed when I have those thoughts. But maybe deep down I am. I guess I can't get rid of the deep inner pain in my soul that one day this life will be too much for me. Not today, not next week, but some day.

I experience many messages from spirit in the form of dreams and synchronicities which I really appreciate and help so much. But I still can't rid myself of this inner knowing that I won't have a long life because at some point all the troubles in my heart and those of the world will be too much to cope with.

I think I've always been a very troubled soul, lonely and also misunderstood by a lot of people. Very few people know the person I am. Those who do naturally have their own stuff to deal with. Sometimes this doesn't matter. Other times I guess it really does.

All the work and progress I've made...and yet there is something inside that says 'this is too much. One day I'm out.' Does anyone have any thoughts, suggestions or even can relate to this?

[LadyTerra]

Please note I'm not in a difficult place right now. I hope it's okay to post this here.

I've had (and continue to have) a difficult life, although things have improved to some extent now. I've made a lot of progress with difficult thoughts and feelings and feel quite connected spiritually. It ebbs and flows of course, but I manage my emotions far better too and any emotional reaction is short lived.

So on the face of it, I'm doing well. However...

since I was a teenager I've struggled with suicidal thoughts. They have returned frequently throughout my life. I went through a bad patch earlier this year and started taking antidepressants but then cut down because I don't like taking meds. I'm not sure they did anything.

The thing is, I don't even feel depressed when I have those thoughts. But maybe deep down I am. I guess I can't get rid of the deep inner pain in my soul that one day this life will be too much for me. Not today, not next week, but some day.

I experience many messages from spirit in the form of dreams and synchronicities which I really appreciate and help so much. But I still can't rid myself of this inner knowing that I won't have a long life because at some point all the troubles in my heart and those of the world will be too much to cope with.

I think I've always been a very troubled soul, lonely and also misunderstood by a lot of people. Very few people know the person I am. Those who do naturally have their own stuff to deal with. Sometimes this doesn't matter. Other times I guess it really does.

All the work and progress I've made...and yet there is something inside that says 'this is too much. One day I'm out.' Does anyone have any thoughts, suggestions or even can relate to this?

Greetings Starbuck:

I see by your profile that you are a psychology major--may I ask--are you currently seeing a mental health care professional of any kind?

[amylou]

Yes I can relate.

[linen53]

You know, every individual is different and your "rules" of engagement are different from mine. I made a pact before I began this life that it would be my last incarnation in this dimension in a this type of body.

Maybe you made a pact before this life began that when it got to be to much for you, you were outta' here, so to speak. But wouldn't you be proud of yourself if you made it to the end of a natural death? I am not trying to play mind games here but really, if you did make such a pact and you actually made it through to the end that would be quite an accomplishment.

I had a very, very tough life until about 20 years ago. Then things smoothed out. I learned so much from those tough years. Now, I do not regret going though them because of the person I have become. But while going through those years I often thought of suicide.

[Teiksma]

That's all about me. I have made a huge progress, but somewhere inside... I dont know what it is, but it will kill me someday.
I wish I should suggest you something, but I cant... I can only say - I exactly know how you feel.
Blessings!

[someguy92]

Why do you damage your progress of life even before you start doing anything?
You can do anything you want, do you think everything in life is easy?? No, nothing is impossible, everything is possible, look people never thought they could fly, but look we created airplanes, people never thought they could breathe underwater, look we can. You think its impossible to break a wall with fist, wrong we can. Its all about willpower, its all in your head. You are overthinking too much, you are inactive, believe me, your mind is your biggest enemy, its the only one who is holding you back. Your potential is unlimited, the only real question is if its worth the price and if you really need it. Believe me stop thinking, its the best thing you can do, if you have these thoughts, than just scream in your head, scream them away or think about nothing, calm your mind down, control it, control your emotions...but dont overdo the no thinking, we need to think...balance is the key.

Ussually bad feelings have a root if they are without a root, its what I said earlier. Try to find the root and heal it. And take tons of vitamins of the group B, believe me, they are the best thing for your mental health. They are needed, they can do miracles, tested on my self, did miracles.

[Thunder Bow]

The feelings you have and the conclusions you made are based in your early childhood. How you interacted with your parents and how emotionally available they were to you. Remember, thier problems did not have much to do with you personally.

[Belle]

Absolutely relate to it.

They haven't disappeared altogether but have pretty much ceased since I cut the "mother of all cords" with the help of an amazing healer.

You will be familiar with the layers of the onion, and you reveal one layer and another and another until you see the the source or the cord or the life lesson. For me, it was around being manipulated, controlled, made to be second best, wanting my power and so on. Lots of issues.

Plus, I am the "healer" of the family so attract the family dirt as it were, so all their yuck comes my way, and I've had to learn to deal with it. General rule of thumb "return to sender".

I don't know if ever I will be "cured" of this or if I will always live with the passing thought every now and again of such thing - or even if a new energy will emerge to be healed.

At the moment, I am somewhat at loggerheads wiht my mother who gave me the baton of "family cripple" - which she had inherited and I am giving it back to her. She doesn't like me very much for that - not surprisingly. I'm trying to transmute it as I give it back to her so it is no longer a burden and will cease to have a life. I think I'm making progress.

But, it was when I realised that I was connected by a cord of gigantic proportions to the energy not of an entity but of an energy which other people were feeding into that i was able to move forwards.

[Emmalevine]

Thanks everyone. So good to know I'm not alone with this.

Yes I'm studying psychology and also yes I do have counselling. I've been in counselling for a while on and off throughout my life too. That is really why I've made so much progress. I feel at peace most of the time but I still don't deal with conflict well. Maybe that has something to do with it?

Belle - yes difficult family relations here too and I suspect feeling so disconnected to them contributes a lot to the helplessness I feel when those feelings rear their heads again. Maybe I need to do some energy work around this.

Someguy -well the thing is, I don;t think I have damaged my life. I have an illness yet am studying for a degree which has at times almost sent me into hospital because it's pushed me way beyond my limitations. I have a disabled child and have tried my best for him every step of the way. I have always tried hard, had hope, believed in something more...if not, I'd be long gone. I do appreciate how the mind limits us, but my problem is, on the face of it I have overcome a lot of barriers in my life. I feel more at peace. The problem is a deep seated understanding that one day it will all be too much. This is how I feel. It isn't stopping me achieving anything right now, but it's there in the background.

Linen - maybe I did make such a pact. It's an interesting thought. I often wonder how it would feel to reach my natural deathbed and know I never did it. I hope that is the case, I really do. But I can't be sure. I keep hoping things will improve.

Thunderbow - I'm sure you're right. I had a very unavailable and damaging mother. She still is in many ways.

Thanks to everyone for replying. It is so helpful to know it's not just me.

[Terracotta]

Sometimes I do feel as if things are going to dip down so rapidly and far that everything will crumble. I figure that if the dips ever become severe enough that I legitimately fear for myself I'll take up dangerous work and wait until I collapse in some line of duty or other. If not, it's only feelings.

[Teiksma]

Thanks everyone. So good to know I'm not alone with this.



Why are you happy? If it is so hard, its better no one have this thing.
Feeling that everything is ok, even great, but something inside you want to die at very moment... I wish no one have the same problem.

[someguy92]

You answered your own question. The only limits you have are wich you impose on yourself, you are aware of your own, psychical limitations...there are physical limitations, but again they can be pushed with your psyche. The feeling or "knowing" may be only your fear. Many times my judgment was clouded by fear, but when I lost fear, I saw everything clearly. You have rooted your own fear inside of you...you know we have many choices in life, we have many roads. We have one main road, on wich we will ALWAYS walk, no matter what, if we deviate...well we suffer greatly, if we still wont walk we die and we go again. You chose the path, those minor paths, its your choice. You can do anything you want, everything is possible, but going against fate is going against yourself...you know you can overcome anything, but you deep rooted your own fear, inside...I did this too and it helped me alot to remove it.

[Emmalevine]

Thanks Someguy and everyone. Your posts have helped a lot. I do think it's an inner child issue and it stems from a lot of fear in the past. I thought I'd healed it all but apparently i haven't. Either that or it's an existential thing but they probably run into one another.

[Belle]

Starbuck I thought of you this morning and this thread.

You see, the same dark thought crossed me again this morning, it hasn't passed my way for a couple of weeks or may be more.

And I looked at it a bit harder and I realised it wasn't mine, it belonged to someone else.

I sent it back to the person who sent it to me.

And I'm wondering whether the same is for you, that such dark thoughts belong to someone else and they are being pinged at you as you are so empathetic.

Next time you see such a thought, have a chat with it.

For me, mine comes from my mother. She carries a baton of "family cripple" which she wants to pass down to me and i'm not accepting this baton any more. I thought by curtailing communication that I could end this but actually I don't think that is appropriate any more, there are better ways of dealing with it. So, I need to figure some more.

For me this morning, it went and I had to rid myself of an overwhelming sadness that she offered to me. I don't want anyone else's emotions, happy or sad.

[Ecthalion]

Why are you happy? If it is so hard, its better no one have this thing.
Feeling that everything is ok, even great, but something inside you want to die at very moment... I wish no one have the same problem.
I was once in a similar situation to Starbuck. To know that other people have similar problems and can get through them helps a lot. It is not that you want any one to suffer, but that you know you are not alone. People can overcome their hard times.

[Jebbie]

I also struggle with similar feelings. Sometimes I am in a positive space for a good deal of time, but those negative thoughts seem to find their way back into my head cause me to question my reason for living. Sad to say I am in one of those funks right now. Hopefully I find my way back to feeling good about myself soon. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings. What you wrote and what others have shared with you has helped me a bit.

[Emmalevine]

Why are you happy? If it is so hard, its better no one have this thing.
Feeling that everything is ok, even great, but something inside you want to die at very moment... I wish no one have the same problem.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not 'happy' that others suffer. Far from it. It's simply a relief that I'm not alone in how I feel, because for me, there has always been a sense that I'm misunderstood by others. I certainly don't want others to suffer or feel happy that they do. I'm sorry you took my words that way because that is far from who I am.

[Emmalevine]

Starbuck I thought of you this morning and this thread.

You see, the same dark thought crossed me again this morning, it hasn't passed my way for a couple of weeks or may be more.

And I looked at it a bit harder and I realised it wasn't mine, it belonged to someone else.

I sent it back to the person who sent it to me.

And I'm wondering whether the same is for you, that such dark thoughts belong to someone else and they are being pinged at you as you are so empathetic.

Next time you see such a thought, have a chat with it.

For me, mine comes from my mother. She carries a baton of "family cripple" which she wants to pass down to me and i'm not accepting this baton any more. I thought by curtailing communication that I could end this but actually I don't think that is appropriate any more, there are better ways of dealing with it. So, I need to figure some more.

For me this morning, it went and I had to rid myself of an overwhelming sadness that she offered to me. I don't want anyone else's emotions, happy or sad.

Thanks for thinking of me Belle. It's possible that these feelings aren't mine...if they aren't, it's probably a mother issue for me too, since we have been pretty entrenched. But I'm not sure. I think the powerlessness may also stem from feeling cut off at a very deep level.

[LadyTerra]

Thanks everyone. So good to know I'm not alone with this.

Yes I'm studying psychology and also yes I do have counselling. I've been in counselling for a while on and off throughout my life too. That is really why I've made so much progress. I feel at peace most of the time but I still don't deal with conflict well. Maybe that has something to do with it?

Belle - yes difficult family relations here too and I suspect feeling so disconnected to them contributes a lot to the helplessness I feel when those feelings rear their heads again. Maybe I need to do some energy work around this.

Someguy -well the thing is, I don;t think I have damaged my life. I have an illness yet am studying for a degree which has at times almost sent me into hospital because it's pushed me way beyond my limitations. I have a disabled child and have tried my best for him every step of the way. I have always tried hard, had hope, believed in something more...if not, I'd be long gone. I do appreciate how the mind limits us, but my problem is, on the face of it I have overcome a lot of barriers in my life. I feel more at peace. The problem is a deep seated understanding that one day it will all be too much. This is how I feel. It isn't stopping me achieving anything right now, but it's there in the background.

Linen - maybe I did make such a pact. It's an interesting thought. I often wonder how it would feel to reach my natural deathbed and know I never did it. I hope that is the case, I really do. But I can't be sure. I keep hoping things will improve.

Thunderbow - I'm sure you're right. I had a very unavailable and damaging mother. She still is in many ways.

Thanks to everyone for replying. It is so helpful to know it's not just me.


I am glad you are in therapy.

I come from a severely dysfunctional family and (for my own progress and sanctuary) have had to part company with most of them over the years--particularly my Maternal Grandmother and my Mother.

Drawing boundaries--even to the point of saying goodbye--is an important step towards emotional healing and freedom.

Peace and Love on your path to Total Healing...

Blessed be...

[VisionQuest]

The Universal Intelligence asked me to say only this ......
I Love You ~

Keep focused on Love .......
It is and always has been , inside of your own Consciousness .......
Just waiting to be born out of all the troubles you have grown through ~

You are getting closer .......
Suicidal ideas come to try and stop you ........
Simply say "You are not me ...... go away, I Love you"

[grannymary]

Starbuck,

I can relate to the hardship, lonesome sensations, the thoughts and feelings you describe. I find it calms me to look at things in nature and connect to the sensation of Providence there. There is a flame inside you that is all for you when things get so dark and thoughts so disturbing plague you. These hard things urge you to remember to pray, to remember love, to remember connections and loved ones, and to delve into the feeling of that. You are not alone. I always imagine if I'm in a bad state that i can wait it out because a new state of some sort will shortly be along and I'd hope/pray it's a good one. Nice to see you work with a professional and keep that going. Dedicate yourself to others in such a way that you will have to consider others welfare, be it mental physical or spiritual should you unnaturally leave the world. Those are ways I have handled it. Best wishes

[Emmalevine]

Thank you all for your kindness.

This state ebbs and flows. I do feel pretty down on a constant basis but I manage to feel joy and connection at times.

I try to seek comfort in nature and that does help a lot. Thanks for the messages of support.

[Emmalevine]

I wonder if depression is part of life for some people.

The darkness as well as the light.

A friend of mine recently said that peeps with depression have no 'middle ground'. They get the highs but inevitably the lows follow.

I wish no one had to suffer like this though.

[VisionQuest]

I had depression once ......

All cleared in one Holy Instant ~!

That does not mean sadness is no longer felt at times , it just moves on quickly~

The difference between depression and sadness , is one is fleeting and the other is clinging ~

Any sad thought which we cling too , falsely believe to be True , will most certainly bring on depression .......

I have a disability , becomes a depressing state!

Modify the inner language to TRUTH , which is easy to do, once the Mind is fully trained ~

So what is the Truth in regards to the depressing idea , "I have a disability"?

First , who is this "I" ?

In that sentence "I" is the disability!

Well if I am not disabled why is this lack of ability present!

A Lesson plan in hardship transforms into a Lesson plan of True Ability!

What!? What the Hell !!??

The "I" reacts to the possibility of its own demise ~

Do you see the DEPTH of your growing ability?

"I have a disability" is afraid to die!

As long as we believe we are no more than human forms, we are all disabled to a degree ~

How can I change this?

Something went wrong , and you started to believe what others began to say.

Never allow another to have such Power!

One exception: When it is absolutely TRUE ~

Finding Absolute Truth requires the experience of a disability !

What!!??

I know people who never suffered and are in Truth!

Really? So certain are you?

I know of no-one who has not suffered deeply and is in Truth ~

Buddha suffered dearly!

Jesus suffered immensely!

Read Romans 8-10 , it applies to "why" we suffer .........

I would not know the verses except for one reason ~

I put to near death repeatedly over 4 months and in the most extreme pain tolerable with no pain medications, nothing outside to rely on at all!

I know pain more than anyone alive .......

Most die and hell I asked too!

Something greater than "I" would not allow it ~!

Now, back to "I have a disability"

Change that too something more True .....

"I am experiencing what it is like to be disabled"

Write that down and never forget it !

That leads to .......

"WHY!!!!???? WHY ME!!!!???"

It will result in a fire burning deep inside that cannot be put out by any means you currently know of ~!

You can only rely on a Greater Power , something Mysterious yet Known!

Can you face your worst Fear?

Harry Potter had too
Luke SkyWalker had too
The Hobbit had too
Jesus had too
Buddha had too

Every Hero in every story has to face this Nightmare ......

Suffering ends , pain may linger a while, but something happens within consciousness itself , which forever shifts the sufferer into a Teacher of Wisdom and Love ~

The greater one suffers , the greater the shift!

I sometimes wish it were not so .......

Who wants to see others suffer so?

there are some to be sure, but that is a far greater disability !

You are Consciously suffering , most are not so Consciously aware of it , it is not without good reason ~

Now , the holy instant occurs when all seems at its impossible worst!

At that moment , when we desperately just wish we were dead, dead, dead, as this inner fire rages so unfairly, what do you want really?

This is what it means to be "Put to the test" ~

If it were not so, I would tell you.

Why is it this way?

Sincerity can only be measured in this way ~

Notice how easy it is to be insincere .......

YOU can fool almost anyone, but ONE cannot be fooled ~

My best advice is SURVIVE this test!

On the other side of it is the True Love you have fought so hard for .......

Then, false companions drop away ........

Making room for a True Life Partner to emerge from the fog ~

Wow! :)

[Silver]

Hello Starbuck ~~ :hug:

Been there -- my life's had a few standout good spells -- a few years here and there -- rough patches seem like forever, don't they:icon_frown:

How I've come to live with them rough parts is pretty much too simple for my taste, but my reality is that I've come to ACCEPT all of these parts, these thoughts, these feelings, acceptance is the answer for me. I can't help feel what I feel, think what I think, so I accept that they will come and they will go. So, I watch them come and watch them as they go. It sounds way too simple, but heck -- some day no matter how it happens, we're all going to buy the farm (even though there's a part of me that says I'm gonna be the one to slip through the cracks and beat it some how -- LMFO*)!

And being deeply grateful for all the cool people, animals, nature, etc. that grace my life is a big step up.
:bunny::icon_cat::grommit:


LMFO = laughing my fanny off

[sesheta]

I wonder if depression is part of life for some people.

The darkness as well as the light.

A friend of mine recently said that peeps with depression have no 'middle ground'. They get the highs but inevitably the lows follow.

I wish no one had to suffer like this though.


*** Totally relate to this! I tend to go through that exact pattern - highs, then a crash, then low for a while.....a steady "middle ground" would be delightful.... *****

[Serrao]

Please don't become a drunkard, but drinking a beer when you're depressed can help.

Serrao

[starnight1]

Visionquest,you r a brave soul....
I v gone thru the same struggle dealing my trouble on physical and mental health, but i always stuck at the corner and become self-pity,blaming my fate....
Now I will try your way...