Enlightened Ego :(

[openheartchild]

Hi everyone,

Over the last few years I have experienced some periods of awakening. They started small and grow in vibration and depth each time. They are also always followed by bigger and bigger contrast.

The most recent period I was flying high, feeling almost void of ego and knew I wasn't my body. I would walk around looking from inside, seeing everyone as love and I had a huge love for myself. I was addicted to letting go and my whole life felt like meditation. I had a huge inner pull to be a lightworker/help others to awaken by loving myself completely and showering it all over them.

Then along came contrast that surfaced an insecurity that obviously hadn't been let go. The contrast to the high vibe I had been living had me desperately trying to escape that my ego took control again and I fell asleep the more and more I struggled and tried to conceptualise awakening again :(

It has been months and now I feel like I am so stuck in ego and blind that no matter what I do, I feel it is "trying too hard" and now I have an "enlightened ego" which only gets me more stuck. Everything I do whether it's relax, meditate, write, draw, paint, try to ignore it.. my ego recognises as "trying to be spiritual/enlightened" and so I feel defeated and can't tune out from my thoughts. Reading books, articles, videos from spiritual teachers I try to educate myself but only dig me deeper.

There are small moments when I know I'm not my thoughts but they are fleeting and I can't hold them because in my desperation I quickly "check in" with my mind to see if I am awake again.

I know thinking and conceptualising isn't the way to get there so I feel like I shouldn't bother even thinking. I feel so separate from everyone and more insecure than ever before. I have picked up old habits to deal with the discord which are not good for my health and I feel like I have an "enlightened ego" now and I'm scared I won't ever be able to get back there. This contrast hurts so much, I feel like giving up.

Does anyone have any advice on getting through this cycle?

[running]

Hi everyone,

Over the last few years I have experienced some periods of awakening. They started small and grow in vibration and depth each time. They are also always followed by bigger and bigger contrast.

The most recent period I was flying high, feeling almost void of ego and knew I wasn't my body. I would walk around looking from inside, seeing everyone as love and I had a huge love for myself. I was addicted to letting go and my whole life felt like meditation. I had a huge inner pull to be a lightworker/help others to awaken by loving myself completely and showering it all over them.

Then along came contrast that surfaced an insecurity that obviously hadn't been let go. The contrast to the high vibe I had been living had me desperately trying to escape that my ego took control again and I fell asleep the more and more I struggled and tried to conceptualise awakening again :(

It has been months and now I feel like I am so stuck in ego and blind that no matter what I do, I feel it is "trying too hard" and now I have an "enlightened ego" which only gets me more stuck. Everything I do whether it's relax, meditate, write, draw, paint, try to ignore it.. my ego recognises as "trying to be spiritual/enlightened" and so I feel defeated and can't tune out from my thoughts. Reading books, articles, videos from spiritual teachers I try to educate myself but only dig me deeper.

There are small moments when I know I'm not my thoughts but they are fleeting and I can't hold them because in my desperation I quickly "check in" with my mind to see if I am awake again.

I know thinking and conceptualising isn't the way to get there so I feel like I shouldn't bother even thinking. I feel so separate from everyone and more insecure than ever before. I have picked up old habits to deal with the discord which are not good for my health and I feel like I have an "enlightened ego" now and I'm scared I won't ever be able to get back there. This contrast hurts so much, I feel like giving up.

Does anyone have any advice on getting through this cycle?

All I know is my experience. And the feeling your expressing sounds similar. It came and went for me. Then over time it stuck. Now its been years and hasn't gone away. So I'm guessing it could be normal to come and go. Meditation I found to help. Spending time by myself making friends with my mind helped. Meditating with teachers I found to help. The idea of an enlightened verses not enlightened ego is something I let go of. In my experience it creates a lot of conflict in the mind causing problems. I like to be like a river in the mind without obstructions and dams. So in my experience it has more to do with self acceptance as I am. Acceptance of others as they are. Things flow and the war ceases. And when I am mad, sad, or whatever I like to accept that to. I want to just flow. When I just flow I grow. Its all good! This is just what I experience. I feel everyone's different. So Im not giving any kind of advice. Just sharing my story back with you. Good luck!

[Touched]

Fugettaboutit. :smile:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5qeF-bNTuo

[God-Like]

At times one can surf the crest of the wave and all is good as the saying goes . At a point the waves dissipate and all is not well when one can no longer surf .

I can relate to ascending and descending within awareness and I would say there is something in being able to hold a high vibration for a continuos period of time and then not . This can depend on what one requires regarding experience and it can depend one how long the mind body connection can maintain such a frequency .

For some their energy fluctuates and one can seemingly be testing the waters of what is to come within awareness and within experience, similar to the dangling carrot but in plain and simple terms one's awareness is the result of something self related . it is not by chance that the wind blows towards the north direction and then to the south .

One cannot control their level of awareness, I would say thats where surrender enters the fold . Surrender to what is happening regardless .

x daz x

[arjuna]

I think the only thing you can 'do' is to accept and embrace the current state of affairs as much as possible.

In my experience, it is the very act / experience of accepting a situation which creates room for something new to enter. However it only works if it is real acceptance.... it wont work if you accept it in order for it to change. Which is logical, because then it wouldnt be real acceptance in the first place :D

I have gone through many very painful and difficult situations in my life. Some of the most important and peace-bringing moments have been the moments in which I laid my head down and could really feel and pray the adagium 'Thou will shall happen, not mine.'

So embrace this, embrace your frustration, your unfulfilled desires, your incapability to do something about it, embrace the non-embracing, embrace it all.

[Mr Interesting]

I reached a high point about a year and a half ago and then subsided back into life and I think it's alike the idea that someone can acheive something in a still and supportive environment but then they go into a noisy and unsupportive environment to see if they can still acheive that.

So I had decided to leave life and just meditate for hours on end each day and it was groovy but I came back into life and doing things and having relationships and it's become harder to acheive the higher states and I think it's simply because I'm more attached to life now... I'm putting myself back into life, but at the same time I'm acheiving a little more detachment all the time which for me means that I'll eventually be both in life and not in life.

I often use the analogy of cutting and carving wood and the steel that keeps it's edge the longest can only be tested on the most abrasive woods... and even then must be sharpened often... which makes one good at sharpening.