Advice on how to overcome negative and hateful feelings

[ImagineCreateBecome]

So my husband and I live with his step grandmother in extremely unfavorable conditions. She is a terrible person, full of nothing but hate. I try so hard to be polite when I see her, despite the fact I have heard her say terrible things about us and our family.

She drinks everyday, a lot of wine. Often, she will be drunk and come harass us and yell at us. It like she waits until we would least expect her to approach us. She likes to catch people off guard and lay in on you. All she does is complain, when my husband and I are trying so hard to be polite and civil and take care of the house and property that we own. We are living in the basement, the dingy yucky basement, and she lives upstairs in the main part of the house. We were gifted the house by her and her husband, who is my husbands grandfather, who he loved dearly. She stopped taking care of him as he aged, and had a large part to do with why his health declined so rapidly when he passed away of gangrene because she didn't properly clean his wounds. He had trouble walking and there Re multiple occasions where she knew he was outside, hadn't come in for hours which was unusual, he would be fallen down somewhere and she wouldn't care. One time he fell in snow, was out there helpless for hours when my father in law happened to stop by and found him, moments away from being frozen to death. Another time, we came over to visit before we owned the house and lived here, to find the grandfather choking on his food, purple in the face, and she was just sitting there watching tv, claimed she didn't know he was choking. She is terrible, has no compassion and does nothing but cause problems and drama.

So I'm having major issues with myself due to this situation. I am trying so hard to become more spiritual, to let if o, there's nothing we can do right now. Every time I try to make peace with the situation the step grandma does something so hurtful I can't take it. This past weekend, I decided I need to send loving thoughts her way, despite how she has treated the family, so I tried it. 2 days later I was rewarded by hearing her say she prays every night for our misery and talking complete lies to another family member over the phone. It gets me so worked up, angry and full of hatred when these things happen. How do I stop? How do I live with someone who is so awful and mean? How do I not get sucked into a depression because it is depressing? A, I supposed to love her still? She lies about us all over our small town, she has caused tension between myself and my inlaws. I can't stand to look at her she makes me so angry.

There are countless situations I could go on and on about but I won't. They are all based upon the similar circumstances to the above. the minute I feel like I can be peaceful about the scenario, the next thing I know she is betraying us worse and worse each time. I can't deal with listening to her lie all the time. She purposely speaks loud upstairs, she knows we can ear her, she gets a rise out of it i think. I have terrible dreams about hurting her, my husband and I have fought because of her. I don't like what this situation is doing to my well being but we have to stick it out. She will be leaving to live elsewhere someday.... We just don't know when. There is no end in sight and it makes it very hard.

She watches our every move when we go outside. She's always in a window spying on us, she'll come outside and start an argument because we are doing something like planting flowers or weeding the unruly yard that has been unkept for over 10 years. She doesn't talk to a lot of people, almost never has visitors besides her daughter who initiated a law suit against us because she wants money. She has no visitors because most people stopped associating with her because of her poor ways she treats people and her late husband. She has caused so many problems in the family. My husband and I have been nothing but nice to her, I used to visit her upstairs everyday after work, bringing in her mail and help her with whatever she needed. We bring her fresh veggies from our garden, go grocery shopping for her and do her laundry. But not anymore, when her and her daughter tried to sue us, we received a letter stating we cannot have any contact with her, so we stopped it all. We had orders to from a lawyer. Now she complains that no one cares about her anymore... What did she want us to do? Ahhhhhhhh, it's so frustrating and I need to stop right now because I get so amped up about it. To her face though, we have always been calm and cool even though we are screaming inside. We don't want to show her she upsets us, and sometimes we think that's why she does terrible things more, looking for the drama.

How would any of you deal with this? Spiritually speaking, what is the right way to handle this? Why is it like the universe is laughing at us, like I said every time we feel ok about this situation, like we can do this, it won't be forever let's just be nice to her, she does something inexcusable. It crossed a line for me when she just said the other day how she prays for our misery... What kind of person does something like that? Why are we in this situation? And how do we cope?

Any thoughts are appreciated, I need some guidance soon or else I'm going to explode. I used of be so happy, calm, optimistic and this is sucking all the positivity out of me. Not to mention, we wanted to start a family last year, but we are putting our life on hold until we don't have to live with her anymore. I have hatred and negativity flowing through so many of my thoughts because of her, it has washed away my positivity and belief in happiness. I just want to be happy again and have faith in something...

[amy green]

So sorry you are in this very trying situation. Perhaps you have lost sight of the bigger picture here, i.e. if she drinks lots of wine everyday then she is an alcoholic. You can't reason with an alcoholic and they are not responsible for their actions when drunk. That said, obviously it is no excuse for you having to endure such behaviour - it is just an explanation of why it occurs in the first place, (from what you have shared here). What do you know of her reality that led to her drinking? She sounds like she must be a very unhappy person. Are you able to show her compassion, i.e. making allowances for her predicament/seeing the bigger picture and easing off being too judgemental?

It sounds to me like she probably greatly resents you being there and (maybe) is trying to make life so intolerable for you both in the hope that you will move out? Is this possibly the case? If so, it would explain her reluctance not to be more amenable/reasonable and to, seemingly, do her best to make life unbearable for you both (from what you say here).

Do you have to live with her? Or you say it won't be forever, suggesting she is quite old and not long for this world. Do you do protective visualisation exercises? Also, if it were me in that situation, I would try to desensitise myself from her and her antics, e.g. possibly step up the quality of your life/activities/distractions. Your post reads as though you are very engrossed in her world and what she does (admittedly, understandably so).

[Miss Hepburn]

Go into your car, take a pillow and scream into it...I mean it...scream until
You can't scream anymore...scream anything..."I HATE YOU!"
Let it out...
Talk to God first if you want saying, Lord I am only doing this as a form of therapy.
If that takes guilt away.

It really really works. I learned it at 18 in a private residential drug rehab center for rich kids.
I've done it ever since!

[StephenK]

I used of be so happy, calm, optimistic and this is sucking all the positivity out of me.
And that's her value in regards to your interpretation-of-self! How do you define yourself that leaves you vulnerable to what she is doing? We can all be happy, calm and optimistic, when all is going well, but what happens if we run into a brick wall? Can we still summon such resources when confronted in this way?

Her illness is not your concern... smile at her and move-on with your life... if she barks, step around her, if she judges step around that as well... don't ingest how she feels about herself in such a way that you intimately- identify with what she's putting-out...

When the time comes to leave, then of course don't hesitate! But while there you can derive some value from this exchange... if you can learn to live comfortably in the face of a storm, then how much easier will it be when the storm passes! :^)

[vision]

This step grandmother is a full-blown alcoholic & probably mentally ill.
How old is she? She needs to be in a rehab program. Contact a crisis
center for referrals to agencies that can help you. Also AA has support
groups for non-alcoholic family members.

The lady needs to be assessed by a professional. If all else fails, MOVE
OUT! Your mental, emotional & spiritual health are too precious to risk.
May you be blessed with the strength to do what is necessary!

[ImagineCreateBecome]

The big picture is what I try to focus on so badly, but it's difficult. She married into the family in the early 70's after the grandfathers first wife died suddenly of a heart attack. She, lets call her Ruth, came into the family with 2 kids from another marraige, one of which is the daughter who is causing a lot of the problems, such as initiating the law suit. Ruth's 2 children from what I understand have tried to commit suicide on multiple occasions, she molested my father in law when he was a teen and she first moved in with the family, she lies lies and lies about anything and everything. I do understand what you are saying about an alcoholic and how there is no reasoning with them, that is exactly right.

We moved into the home a year ago in April. We used to come visit and have dinner with Ruth and Pop pop before. My husband and I were always involved with anything that was going on with them. So when we first moved in, myself more than my husband (because he has known Ruth's way for much longer than myself) was extremely compassionate towards her. We would go to the nursing home often to visit Pop pop when we first moved into the house last year. Ruth was usually there so e would chat. The day he passed away, I was the only one in the family comforting Ruth. When we arrived at the nursing home that day, I liked in and saw Rith and an extreme urge to hug her and console her came over me, even though she almost had a smirk on her face, so I did. I was the only family member doing so because like Kris, they had all been exposed to her ways for much longer and had had enough. The next day her daughter came down from out of state and pretty much threw him away. She wasn't there the months he was suffering, no. But she made sure she came in within 24 hours of his passing to throw away all things that were dear to him like his hat collection, favorite shirts and other things. So many other things happened that day too and other days. But that is an example of how the bad started. We were pushed away to hide in the basement out of fear while Ruth and her daughter were like tornados of fury the next couple weeks.

But I continued to visit Ruth, help her with anything and I legitimately felt for her and I still do. I know my compassion is there. She's aging, she's alone, she yells at no one upstairs all day long, she talks lies and terrible things about me, my husband, his mom and his dad, who is Pop pops son from his first marraige. I would sit crying downstairs hearing what she is saying, the. Have to go upstairs later the same day to help with something like calling her phone company to change services while she sat and yelled at me about things my husband and I did wrong. Her and her daughter got elder services to investigate us abusing her, it was a joke. But yes, through all of that and more, I remained compassionate. I felt for her, tried to understand what she was going through. But she and her daughter kept getting worse and worse, saying things crueler than the last. It was a race to try to get us out of the house we know that. She is so angry we are here, has yelled at us that is will never be our home, although we own it. They sold it to us for $1. We are extremely lucky in that aspect that is why we can't leave it all behind. The grandfather built the house, my husband grew up with such fond memories here it would break his heart to lose it and I love him too much to walk away from it. We are having a hard time getting a loan due to medical and school bills hurting our credit. We have been working so hard to get on track, get the loan, and give her monnpey so she can leave. We need to do that because we agreed to do that in exchange for the gift of the house. Ruth and Pop pop have a lifer estate in the property which gives them the right to live on it for as long as they are alive. We did this to help Pop pop, to be here for him because Ruth was doing the exact opposite. Unfortunately, a month after we moved in, he passed away. The unthinkable happened. We never really thought when we agreed to this that we would be stuck in this situation living with just Ruth. We wanted to get a mobile home to put on the land for them to live in and we would occupy the main house.

Instead, we are stuck in the basement, not a finished one either. It's so difficult loving without a kitchen, we grill year round we don't have an oven. I can't remember the last time I was able to bake, cook pasta and so many other things. We are dealing with fixing mold problems, mice problems and freezing our butts off in the winter. It's cooooold down here even when it's 80 degrees outside. The property is what keeps me going. Almost 3 acres, all woods behind us, horses stables on one side for neighbors and the other side the neighbors house is up a hill nice and far away. We have a stream in the yard, beautiful trees and birds. We listen to the owls at night, there's coyotes and deer. I'm in love with the yard, even though its overgrown and a mess. I've been cleaning it up being at home and trying to make it nice. I've discovered a new hobby with my green thumb. W have a dog who lives the life here playing in the stream, running through the field, chasing butterflies... It's amazing. When I'm having a hard time I try to focus on that, on the possibilities here. It's an amazing place to raise a family which I so desperately want to do. That's why we are struggling, dealing with this negativity now, for our future here.

We have to find a way to help her leave, it isn't an option to live out the rest of her life here. I will go insane, I will turn into a monster. There's something about her energy that sucks every drop of happiness out of your soul. That's how it feels, literally. We know when she seldomly leaves the house to go out without seeing her go. Everything feels light, airy and calm. He sun shines brighter, the birds sing louder. We smile. In those moments that happen maybe once or twice a month for an afternoon if we are lucky, are the moments where we can imagine it. Whe she is here its so hard to imagine the good. It feels like there is this force field of negativity. I had a psychic tell me she was evil, pure evil and to leave. But we can't afford it. We've invested so much here fixing it up already. We want to be here, but without her. It's only a matter of time, but we don't know how long. This past year has felt like an eternity.

And yes, I'm obsessed with her world. I feel the need to know everything that's going on because I'm so paranoid she's going to slap another lawsuit in our face or who knows what. She's called the cops on us for having a fire in our own fireplace. She's determined to drive us crazy. I know I need to stop, it i can't. I need to stop thinking about it, but how? How do you ignore such a big thing? Tags why I am here, in desperate need of spiritual guidance. My light has been diminished. I stay in the house most days, hearing her conversations because she speaks so loudly and the walls are thin, I've withdrawn from friends, I've become nervous, worrying all the time thinking us h negative thoughts I can't stand it. I feel like a need to scream. That's why I have so much to say on here, I have no one to talk to about it. It's exhausting. I don't know what to do, I'm at a breaking point emotionally, spiritually and mentally. Even my dreams are consumed with this. It's this parasite, eating away at my soul. Thank you anyone for listening and your input. You have no idea how much I need it. I need something to hold on to.

[amy green]

I hardly know how to phrase this further post - so struck am I by your dire plight. You have my sympathy for what that's worth!

A member, vision, mentioned that she is probably mentally ill. When I read that you say she yells at no-one it got me wondering about this. Could this be a route to go down for getting her out of the house (which is your wish)? I don't know what country you are in (i.e. how you would pursue this), but could you get her condition assessed at all? I don't know whether or not she would be receptive to treatment but she clearly sounds in need of help.

The one hope I can give you is, as you must know, that this situation is not forever. Hold on and keep focusing on the positive aspects (which you shared in your last post). :hug3:

[Silver]

How do people deal with harsh situations - without becoming harsh themselves? It can be done. Gently remind yourself what and who you are and what you are all about, which is that you are a kind, giving, cheerful spirit in this world. That's the seed. It's possible to stand one's ground, yet move when one has to, if you know what I mean.

You and your husband are in charge, that's the main reason she gives you such a hard time - plus it's second nature to her, evidently due to the alcoholism and mental issues...and coming through this whole scenario will prove very valuable experience for you two.

And just think, the reward of this experience is far greater than any material belongings - spirit strength for you as individuals and as a team; it's a great opportunity to see it through.


And I forgot to add - she's just throwing shadows at you.

[Dee47]

I am so sorry you are suffering, but I was glad to read the other posts. People have offered some good suggestions, and I know just posting has helped you as well.

You might want to do some research on stones. I carry a black tourmaline crystal with me every day and my life has been so much better since I do. I have 3-4 rather large pieces and I put a fresh one in my sock every day. It's important to cleanse black tourmaline because it absorbs negativity and if you don't cleanse it regularly, the negativity will spill over. I have a nice chunk of selenite, which is great for cleaning stones (and you, too). I put the tourmaline by the selenite for 5 minutes or so to cleanse it, then I put it in the window to be charged by sunlight for a day or, more recently, I've used sound to both cleanse and charge. Black tourmaline offers protection, which it sounds like you need.

Best wishes and blessings.

Edited to add that selenite is a very fragile stone. You don't want to drop it or get it wet.

[Tobi]

You own the house? So what's Ruth's legal position? I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that (maybe I should re-read?)
If she's a "lodger" then she needs a contract. You and your husband, as property owners, therefore landlords, are free to define what sort of contract you draw up with her. Then the lady will have to stay for the length of the contract only, and provide herself with alternative accommodation.
You could see a lawyer about this?

I don't mean this to sound cruel, as this lady has problems for sure. But you may be within your legal rights to get her out?

[Silver]

You own the house? So what's Ruth's legal position? I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that (maybe I should re-read?)
If she's a "lodger" then she needs a contract. You and your husband, as property owners, therefore landlords, are free to define what sort of contract you draw up with her. Then the lady will have to stay for the length of the contract only, and provide herself with alternative accommodation.
You could see a lawyer about this?

I don't mean this to sound cruel, as this lady has problems for sure. But you may be within your legal rights to get her out?

She is so angry we are here, has yelled at us that is will never be our home, although we own it. They sold it to us for $1.

Evidently, they do own the place.

[Tobi]

What sort of written contract, or evidence of ownership do you have? Or even a solid witness or two?

Just my personal opinion, but I feel you both need to take charge of this situation if you possibly can.

[ImagineCreateBecome]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. Tobi, she has the right to live there for her life. She has a legal life estate while she is alive. We can get her out when we are approved someday for a loan to buy her out. Until then, there's nothing. We've talked to lawyers. We are in Massachusetts actually. We are trying to think of different ways like giving her monthly payments to live elsewhere, but that's going to hurt our financial status right now. Money, money money, it's all she wants to agree to leave.

Yes we own the house, deed is in our name with that life estate stipulation. This originally happened because we wanted to move in to help take care of Pop pop. I was going to be his caretaker.

Dee, thank you the stones sound like a good idea. My only source I have been turning to this far for guidance are my tarot cards. I do them almost everyday and they help guide my daily sanity lol. But seriously, just posting on here got some of my frustrations out. It's hard to talk about it with our family who has been through it too. We are exhausted from her.

Silvergirl, you're right. That's my main issue is this is changing me. I'm losing my faith, and that's the last thing I need to do. I need my faith the most right now, even though I don't know what my faith is. And yes, we should be in charge, and we've tried to do what we want around here, but every time she has to get in the middle and say something horrible....complain, complain complain. So we have almost let her be powerful still here trying to avoid confrontation.

And Silvergirl, can you elaborate on the dark shadows? What do you mean by that?

As far as getting her examined, it's already been done. It's hard to tell what is a sickness and what is the alcohol. We have no say in anything with her as far as medical situations because of her daughter. I don't know how we could go about getting her to be examined again. We would probably be accused of elder abuse again if we do that. We have to be so careful because they've already threatened with lawyers. I am almost positive her son has a form of schizophrenia so I know a mental illness is not far off. Her daughter is her power of attorney and health care proxy.

I just don't know how to stay positive. I hope to come out of this stronger. But it makes my husband and I wonder what the heck we did to deserve this? Why is this happening to us? Why does she get to be a miserable human being and cause nothing but stress on us yet she is sitting pretty upstairs in the main part of the house just like always, and we are down in the basement dungeon living like we are in a jail. I'm trying to just love my husband and be happy with him, we've been married for 2 years, 1 of them here in this place. I just want it to be us. We've had to live with others almost the whole time we've been together. It affects our love life. We can't have sex inside because I'm too worried about her hearing us. Luckily, we are a little adventurous and we sneak outside in the dark to get away to make love.

I can only hope we are going to be rewarded greatly for this one day when it's finally over.

[amy green]

You say you don't know how to stay positive. At the risk of stating the obvious, do you think you may be suffering from depression? If so, are you seeking any form of treatment? Do you take a vitamin and mineral supplement? In particular I would recommend taking vitamin B complex - an established nerve tonic that staves off irritability. (If you have a yeast condition, e.g. dandruff, athletes foot, thrush or candida then buy one that's yeast free). You will notice the difference - I wouldn't be without it!

[Silver]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. Tobi, she has the right to live there for her life. She has a legal life estate while she is alive. We can get her out when we are approved someday for a loan to buy her out. Until then, there's nothing. We've talked to lawyers. We are in Massachusetts actually. We are trying to think of different ways like giving her monthly payments to live elsewhere, but that's going to hurt our financial status right now. Money, money money, it's all she wants to agree to leave.

Yes we own the house, deed is in our name with that life estate stipulation. This originally happened because we wanted to move in to help take care of Pop pop. I was going to be his caretaker.

Dee, thank you the stones sound like a good idea. My only source I have been turning to this far for guidance are my tarot cards. I do them almost everyday and they help guide my daily sanity lol. But seriously, just posting on here got some of my frustrations out. It's hard to talk about it with our family who has been through it too. We are exhausted from her.

Silvergirl, you're right. That's my main issue is this is changing me. I'm losing my faith, and that's the last thing I need to do. I need my faith the most right now, even though I don't know what my faith is. And yes, we should be in charge, and we've tried to do what we want around here, but every time she has to get in the middle and say something horrible....complain, complain complain. So we have almost let her be powerful still here trying to avoid confrontation.

And Silvergirl, can you elaborate on the dark shadows? What do you mean by that?

As far as getting her examined, it's already been done. It's hard to tell what is a sickness and what is the alcohol. We have no say in anything with her as far as medical situations because of her daughter. I don't know how we could go about getting her to be examined again. We would probably be accused of elder abuse again if we do that. We have to be so careful because they've already threatened with lawyers. I am almost positive her son has a form of schizophrenia so I know a mental illness is not far off. Her daughter is her power of attorney and health care proxy.

I just don't know how to stay positive. I hope to come out of this stronger. But it makes my husband and I wonder what the heck we did to deserve this? Why is this happening to us? Why does she get to be a miserable human being and cause nothing but stress on us yet she is sitting pretty upstairs in the main part of the house just like always, and we are down in the basement dungeon living like we are in a jail. I'm trying to just love my husband and be happy with him, we've been married for 2 years, 1 of them here in this place. I just want it to be us. We've had to live with others almost the whole time we've been together. It affects our love life. We can't have sex inside because I'm too worried about her hearing us. Luckily, we are a little adventurous and we sneak outside in the dark to get away to make love.

I can only hope we are going to be rewarded greatly for this one day when it's finally over.

Hi, this is my actual quote: "she's just throwing shadows at you," and that means that she's just trying to scare you - because if you look at it a slightly different way, she's always been pathetic, pardon that, but everybody knows it - and this is the ONLY power she has, is to make your lives as miserable as she can - it's all she has - it's all ANY incompetent person has - maybe something can be done along those lines, some sort of 'proof' that she's legally incompetent - things are very tough for you right now, that's for sure.

I think I would be reading and reciting the Serenity Prayer every time I thought about what an uphill battle this appears to be right now. Yet, it's not the only way to cope and deal with it and her.

And, if you can see - I mean really see her state of being pathetic, it will probably help you see, too, the power that you DO have - both you and your husband are decent, kind folk.

[Silver]

I had an in-law like that, and people like that are just trying to buffalo you (that's really what I was trying to say with the 'throwing shadows' at you). The light of your goodness can out-do her state of darkness that she's stuck in, and all you do is remind yourself of just how much love you feel for humanity and life and be grateful you aren't stuck in the mire like she is. You are in the driver's seat.

[StephenK]

I had an in-law like that, and people like that are just trying to buffalo you (that's really what I was trying to say with the 'throwing shadows' at you). The light of your goodness can out-do her state of darkness that she's stuck in, and all you do is remind yourself of just how much love you feel for humanity and life and be grateful you aren't stuck in the mire like she is. You are in the driver's seat. Heehee you said essentially what I was tying to say, only you said it in a much nicer way! :^)

[Juanita]

OMG, I don't even know where to start......If the house is yours, there is no reason you have to spend all of your time in the basement, is there? Why can't you use the stove to cook decent meals? Forget the "respect your elders" thing because you are being disrespected 24/7......if you want to make love in the basement, turn on a radio or tv to drown out any noise that you think she may hear......learn to adapt to the situation and stop holding your true emotions inside--that is making you sick...... If she yells at you--yell right back....if she gives you lip, give it right back---the more **** that you take, the more she will give you....but, and here is the secret--pray for her every day......but don't give in and don't give up......she is one lucky old bird that it is you there and not me........

[iseethetruth]

What I can tell you is that I myself have been driven to the point of nervous breakdown several years ago by my own dad, and i was admitted to a mental hospital. After that experience I've learned a lot and gained strength and wisdom. So that being said, remember that saying "the dog that barks doesn't bite"; so consider all of her behavior as barking and press the "mute" button in ur heart regarding all of what she says. Don't let ur heart absorb all of that and feel obliged to defend yourself and prove her wrong; that's what's wearing you out. Consider it a play, be an actor, and think of her as an actor playing a role, don't give too much weight of reality to what she's saying and doing. It's just noise that u can transform into tolerable music. And regarding sex, let her hear all the screaming, u don't need her permission. And with regards to spirituality, you can start with some prayer to God, the source of all existence and build a relationship with him/her.
I hope i've been helpful... best of luck :)

[Dee47]

Something else that occurs to me...practicing affirmations can be quite helpful. When a a person says mean things over and over, that can erode one's self esteem. I don't like actually figuring out the affirmations I need, so I ask a friend. :D Having affirmations written down that you practice throughout the day or consult when the need arises is a very powerful self-help tool.

[Dee47]

I was raised by a woman who sounds a lot like your step grandmother-in-law. I left home when I was 13 and many years later I returned because of an emergency. I had done an awful lot of emotional work in the intervening years. So when my mother started saying the same kinds of awful things about me she always had, it was very clear that what she was saying didn't fit. I looked at her and said very clearly, without any negativity on my part, without getting tangled up in her, with respect even, but with utter conviction, "You really don't know me." It was one of the most liberating moments of my life. I spoke up for myself without attacking her. I stated my own reality. She had said her piece and I said mine. That was an affirmation I created myself, and it was very powerful.

Others have suggested here that you be more assertive or less...cowed. Maybe my example can serve as some kind of model...adapted, of course, for your own particular needs?

Again, blessings.

[StephenK]

When a a person says mean things over and over, that can erode one's self esteem.And yet this self esteem is retrievable.. (as you noted in your next post :^) The interesting thing about being shoved in this way is the amazing "depth" that can come with the rebound. Sometimes by being pushed into-a-pit to such a degree we may actually "find ourselves" as a result of the contrasts. A person "defines us", we drift into internalizing their "opinion", we struggle with ourselves while we're struggling with them... it can actually get so toxic that we can't do this any longer... something must change... we can't change them, but we can change ourselves... so we adjust, we adapt, we reach within ourseslves in such a way that "effectively" returns us to our center... but this time we've burnt-off a lot of unresolved uncertainty that we carried with us before...

It's kind-of the emotional version of what our body does when it encounters an unfriendly organism. Our immune system learns to respond to this organism and then encodes a memory of the exchange in order to better protect itself from that organism in future encounters. We do not like getting sick, but the body learns to better protect itself against future episodes more efficiently by getting sick.... we don't not like being hated, but our internal emotional immune system learns to recognize this propensity in others, (and our willingness to buy into it) and thus develops a greater immunity to such future events...

As much as we hate challenges they're really a blessing in disguise... without such challenges we'd tend to remain flat in relation to our deeper connection with self...

So with this in mind, the person who confronts and attacks us in this way is really something of a god-send. They are moving us in a way that's difficult for us to do on our own. And, with this in mind, when we "bless" them we are doing so with this greater context in mind... we are not simply being "nice" or "spiritually correct", we are actually acknowledging the important part that they are playing as a key participant in regards to our own much-deeper spiritual awakening! :^)

[Silver]

ImagineCreateBecome, I hope you'll keep us updated on how things are going.



http://img.auctiva.com/imgdata/1/0/5/5/8/0/0/webimg/219921642_tp.jpg

[Lanzalady]

Hi there,

I'm so sorry you're having this trouble but if the house is yours, does this legal document stipulate that you must live in the basement?

If not,why the heck don't you just move upstairs to the main house. I imagine it would feel horrible but it would show this poor pathetic creature (no offense meant) that you are not putting up with her antics. She is a master of manipulation and she is pushing your buttons - and getting just the reaction she wants.

Of course it would be horrible, to begin with, but you would adapt. Maybe she would be forced to calm down???

I hate to say this, but this woman sounds like a bully and maybe you need to show her the you refuse to be bullied.

Regardless of that, there's a lot of great advice on this thread so hopefully you can use some of it to get some peace of mind back.

One other thing... Regarding a comment someone made about you having sex. You scream the place down girl - if thats what you want to do. It's your fundamental right (as long as the neighbors don't hear - is this woman complains, so what! But you don't want the neighbors complaining eh? ;-)

I wish you well and hope things work out well for you sooner, rather than later.

LL

[ImagineCreateBecome]

I really appreciate Ll the responses and advice. I had to step away from this for a few days and clear my mind. I did have an encounter with her over the weekend. She was her usual erratic self, my husband and I smiled and said hello, she storms past us and just starts complaining about things that have nothing to do with us. I feel more empowered with my husband around and I just looked at her, so calmly and said, if all you are going to do is throw your negativity at us, please do not talk to us.

She didn't know what to say, just looked at me like I was an alien. Later in the conversation she started up on family problems again with my father in law blaming him for everything that's wrong with her life and I just calmly looked at her again and said, we will not be involved in conversations where you are putting down our family, no one needs to be blamed for your unhappiness except yourself. It was great, I felt so good!

All of your advice on here is helping me understand how to react better and I have started praying for her happiness. Not everyday, but when I feel stressed because of her, I just close my eyes and pray for her well being.

I finally got out of my slump, for now anyways, and am getting out of the house more and just ignoring her otherwise. I hope to continue this path of being more carefree when it comes to her. I'm not sure if I'll be able to feel like this always while she is still here, but it's a good start, a better start than I've had for the past year of living like this this to all of your advice.

[StephenK]

I really appreciate Ll the responses and advice. I had to step away from this for a few days and clear my mind. I did have an encounter with her over the weekend. She was her usual erratic self, my husband and I smiled and said hello, she storms past us and just starts complaining about things that have nothing to do with us. I feel more empowered with my husband around and I just looked at her, so calmly and said, if all you are going to do is throw your negativity at us, please do not talk to us.

She didn't know what to say, just looked at me like I was an alien. Later in the conversation she started up on family problems again with my father in law blaming him for everything that's wrong with her life and I just calmly looked at her again and said, we will not be involved in conversations where you are putting down our family, no one needs to be blamed for your unhappiness except yourself. It was great, I felt so good!

All of your advice on here is helping me understand how to react better and I have started praying for her happiness. Not everyday, but when I feel stressed because of her, I just close my eyes and pray for her well being.

I finally got out of my slump, for now anyways, and am getting out of the house more and just ignoring her otherwise. I hope to continue this path of being more carefree when it comes to her. I'm not sure if I'll be able to feel like this always while she is still here, but it's a good start, a better start than I've had for the past year of living like this this to all of your advice.

Wonderful!! :hug:

[Silver]

I really appreciate Ll the responses and advice....and I just looked at her, so calmly and said, if all you are going to do is throw your negativity at us, please do not talk to us.

She didn't know what to say, just looked at me like I was an alien. ... It was great, I felt so good!

...

That is too funny, ICB. I love it.
:occasion18::occasion14::alien:

[iseethetruth]

I finally got out of my slump, for now anyways, and am getting out of the house more and just ignoring her otherwise. I hope to continue this path of being more carefree when it comes to her. I'm not sure if I'll be able to feel like this always while she is still here, but it's a good start, a better start than I've had for the past year of living like this this to all of your advice.
Let everyday be a good start for you, so with time it will be a series of good starts leading to a continuum. After a while you would have u would have forgotten about the worry of slumping back down again :).

[Juanita]

I really appreciate Ll the responses and advice. I had to step away from this for a few days and clear my mind. I did have an encounter with her over the weekend. She was her usual erratic self, my husband and I smiled and said hello, she storms past us and just starts complaining about things that have nothing to do with us. I feel more empowered with my husband around and I just looked at her, so calmly and said, if all you are going to do is throw your negativity at us, please do not talk to us.

She didn't know what to say, just looked at me like I was an alien. Later in the conversation she started up on family problems again with my father in law blaming him for everything that's wrong with her life and I just calmly looked at her again and said, we will not be involved in conversations where you are putting down our family, no one needs to be blamed for your unhappiness except yourself. It was great, I felt so good!

All of your advice on here is helping me understand how to react better and I have started praying for her happiness. Not everyday, but when I feel stressed because of her, I just close my eyes and pray for her well being.

I finally got out of my slump, for now anyways, and am getting out of the house more and just ignoring her otherwise. I hope to continue this path of being more carefree when it comes to her. I'm not sure if I'll be able to feel like this always while she is still here, but it's a good start, a better start than I've had for the past year of living like this this to all of your advice.



Good for you... I thought that I would add that through the years whenever I prayed for someone who brought me harm--they moved on and out of my life...

[gatito]

Hi. I didn't read most of the replies on this thread, so i'm not sure what other people have suggested. But I suggest putting a lock on the door between the basement and first floor where she lives, a lock that can only be opened from the basement side. If there's not already a door separating the two floors, have a door installed. Then you can just live separate lives as much as possible, only needing to see her as you enter and exit the house (unless there's a door to outside from the basement, in which case you pretty much never need to see her). Also assuming there's a separate kitchen in the basement? (Because you described it as a separate apartment.) Maybe there's not... In that case, you'll still have to see her when cooking.

Good luck.

[Dragonfly1]

I have a question?.....if by your words this woman is like a monster from hell...how did she come to agree to gift the house to you for $1?.....If someone were to gift a home to me for $1....i would be showing gratitude in the first instance.....She will pass away one day and if the titles are in both your husband and your name, then no amount of legal challenge will alter that fact ..... although......i don't know what it is like in USA but in Australia a will can be challenged by siblings if one is left the bulk of the estate ...etc....no matter the wording of the will....

I think this old lady needs love, and praying for her is a good thing for your soul as well as hers...to show compassion when you may feel that none is deserved. I don't get a good feeling at all from your telling.....it is a one sided story and every story has two sides,it is very easy to judge this woman from your words, but i don't wish to put myself in that place of judgement on her, or you......Please treat this old woman with as much compassion as you can (even if it is hard work, she may be a lesson from the Divine in compassion for you).....and perhaps you could move out until she passes.....you said that you offered to pay for somewhere else for her to live, which would indicate that you could afford to pay rent elsewhere for yourselves.....if your sanity is at risk, it would be a smart option...or else as you also stated you were going to put a mobile home on the property for them, you could do that for yourselves perhaps until you move into the home once she passes over.......then you could sell the mobile home......
I have lived with an alcoholic parent as a child and i understand how horrible it can be, for the family and horrible for the person drinking......
At some point she must've cared about her step grandson, otherwise she would never have agreed to gift a home for $1 to him......i hope that my words aren't read as offensive in any way, as they're only meant to help...many blessings to you and your family and your step grandmother in law........

[MMM]

you've talked to a lawyer you say
presumably about getting her out (else where)

YOU NEED TO GO BACK TO THE soory caps
go back to the lawyer and your gp about getting her forcibly confined pending mental assessment
this will require evidence that she is a continual threat to you or herself

starts with calling the police when there's another domestic incident
build a case for committing her
http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Someone-Committed-to-a-Mental-Hospital