Grieving and moving on

[Emmalevine]

I've made the decision to work through an ending with my therapist. I've seen her for 3 years, come so far - but for a few months it has been clear I've outgrown my need for her and no longer function well with her approach. I am very close to her and really like her as a person. I wish I could still see her as a friend - but that isn't ethically possible.

There is a possibilty I may need someone with a different approach for ongoing support with my life at the moment but I don't want to go backwards in my therapy and feel I want to get through this painful ending before I make any decisions.

I am so full of grief I feel like I am dying. I have not yet told her I want to work through an ending but she has suggested on a few occasions that she is no longer helping me. Last week we had a run-in which sort of compounded this, and I've had to face facts.

I get very attached to people and have always struggled with endings. People rarely have to say a permanent goodbye to someone they care about - normally relationships dwindle and people move on. If it is permanent it is usually through death. To be honest it may as well be death. I am distraught and keep exploding into tears throughout the day.

My therapist has rekindled my faith and belief in myself. For the first time in my life I've felt I have someone on my side, someone who sees the beauty in me, someone who absolutely feels I am worthwhile and has much to offer. Some one to take an interest, to love to write I say and what I write. Someone who gets so much just from being around me. I'm going to miss her so much. I know I'll still carry her in my heart as it were, but it doesn't feel enough.

How can I leave this? How will I get over it?

I am in such a state that I've considered giving up my current degree course because I don't feel able to concentrate. I've never had to face such an awful goodbye from someone i've shared so much with and i don't know how I'm going to get through it.

If anyone has any words of support please post I feel desperate.

[andrew g]

I saw a therapist for about a year and also found it hard to say goodbye. I felt very empty. Its part of the healing process. You will move on, and new doors will open for you. You may find at some point that you will want to drop your therapist an email or go and say hi, and thats fine. This is just a bumpy time for you. Without your therapist your wings will be able to fully spread. Its like taking the stabilizers off the bike, or the armbands off when we swim. Its kind of hard and scary to start with but when they are off there is so much more potential freedom. You will continue to heal and continue to grow as we all do, but without the need for that same crutch. You will continue to use and apply the tools you have learned, and may learn some new ones, and then you may start giving back all that you have learned to other people, and that will be a pleasure in itself for you. Its all good, just be kind and patient with yourself at this time and pay attention to your intuitive voice which will guide you through new and exciting doors.

[Silver]

My therapist has rekindled my faith and belief in myself. For the first time in my life I've felt I have someone on my side, someone who sees the beauty in me, someone who absolutely feels I am worthwhile and has much to offer. Some one to take an interest, to love to write I say and what I write. Someone who gets so much just from being around me. I'm going to miss her so much. I know I'll still carry her in my heart as it were, but it doesn't feel enough.
How can I leave this? How will I get over it?
I am in such a state that I've considered giving up my current degree course because I don't feel able to concentrate. I've never had to face such an awful goodbye from someone i've shared so much with and i don't know how I'm going to get through it.


When you feel like some special person has in essence, saved your life, there's no way to ever thank them fully and if they are a truly good person, they will see you've come to the end of your trail together and will wave goodbye to you. It seems she's been trying to do this. But it's also her bread & butter, you're her client and brings money. She has this, her career, you need yours.

My friend, David in essence, saved my life when my son died. Some how I knew when I got to the 'end' of that trail, I had to start backing away and not be visiting him on a regular basis, although I think he kinda sorta still feels a need for me, in reverse. It is touchy for both of us, and our situations.

I don't think she'll feel she's done the proper job if you were to give up your working towards your current degree and I think she'd feel like a failure. Then, you would lose all that work you've done together AND your close friendship or relationship.

[Emmalevine]

Thanks both of you. Andrew thanks for sharing your experience, and those are lovely, positive words. That's what I hope to be able to do - give back what I have learned, once I'm in the place where I can walk out on my own. At the moment it all feels frightening and horrible but I hope I will cherish the freedom at the end of it. I think I feel that freedom spiritually and intuitively, but not yet emotionally, if that makes sense.

Thanks to you too Silvergirl. I think my my therapist does see that she has fulfilled her role in my life - probably long before I have! I don't actually pay to see her, she volunteers for a charity. Not that that makes much dfferent really, she's still a professional. I agree that some people come into our lives and then its time to move on. Maybe that's true for the majority of our relationships - very few last all our lives.

I like what you say about my course, and yes you're right. It would be sad for all the work I've done in therapy if my course did suffer. I don't intend to end therapy overnight anyway - I think it needs a few sessions to reflect on everything, grieve and celebrate what I've achieved. It can't be rushed. But it's going to be so painfiul that I am preparing for the goodbye now. At least I have the priviledge of being able to share the emotions with her. In the sake of a death that clearly can't happen. Hopefully this will bring some comfort and enable me to be able to continue working, both on myself and on my degree.

[Gem]

Thanks both of you. Andrew thanks for sharing your experience, and those are lovely, positive words. That's what I hope to be able to do - give back what I have learned, once I'm in the place where I can walk out on my own. At the moment it all feels frightening and horrible but I hope I will cherish the freedom at the end of it. I think I feel that freedom spiritually and intuitively, but not yet emotionally, if that makes sense.

Yes indeed it makes good sence.

Thanks to you too Silvergirl. I think my my therapist does see that she has fulfilled her role in my life - probably long before I have! I don't actually pay to see her, she volunteers for a charity. Not that that makes much dfferent really, she's still a professional. I agree that some people come into our lives and then its time to move on. Maybe that's true for the majority of our relationships - very few last all our lives.

It is actually brave to accept help like you are and I reckon you are doing the best thing you can do.

I like what you say about my course, and yes you're right. It would be sad for all the work I've done in therapy if my course did suffer. I don't intend to end therapy overnight anyway - I think it needs a few sessions to reflect on everything, grieve and celebrate what I've achieved. It can't be rushed. But it's going to be so painfiul that I am preparing for the goodbye now. At least I have the priviledge of being able to share the emotions with her. In the sake of a death that clearly can't happen. Hopefully this will bring some comfort and enable me to be able to continue working, both on myself and on my degree.

Yes, I think it's just the thing to do, and you do very well.

[Greenslade]

StarBuck,

All of this Life (from a human perspective) is transitory - and that includes relationships. Even the sun will one day blink out - a long time from now but it will happen. Yes, it's wonderful when people's footprints mingle with yours for a time but we all have our own Paths to tread.

I never say goodbye because it never is. The people I meet - even on this forum - helped shape who and what I am today. People share thoughts, discuss of argue and that's fine. What it does for me is let me get a little bit of an insight to that person. Perhaps one will tell me I talk utter tosh, the next will agree with every word. Either way is fine, because it has given me a little insight. With so many 'little bits' of people inside somewhere, you can never walk away from who and what you are.

Honour their Paths, and Honour that despite your need for them to be always with you the way of the Universe might need them to be somewhere else for them to grow - yourself included. I have fond memories of so many lovely people that are no longer with me, and while I wished they were here sometimes I know they can't be. Let them Live on in your Heart, because that is where you will always find your connection back to them. Now that your Lives have touched, you will reconnect - perhaps not in this Life but you will one day.

Honour their Path and walk your own. Remember the good times, remember what they meant to you and always keep them close in your Heart.

[Emmalevine]

[quote=Gem]Yes indeed it makes good sence.



It is actually brave to accept help like you are and I reckon you are doing the best thing you can do.



Yes, I think it's just the thing to do, and you do very well.[/quote

Thank you for your understanding Gem, it's appreciated.

[Emmalevine]

StarBuck,

All of this Life (from a human perspective) is transitory - and that includes relationships. Even the sun will one day blink out - a long time from now but it will happen. Yes, it's wonderful when people's footprints mingle with yours for a time but we all have our own Paths to tread.

I never say goodbye because it never is. The people I meet - even on this forum - helped shape who and what I am today. People share thoughts, discuss of argue and that's fine. What it does for me is let me get a little bit of an insight to that person. Perhaps one will tell me I talk utter tosh, the next will agree with every word. Either way is fine, because it has given me a little insight. With so many 'little bits' of people inside somewhere, you can never walk away from who and what you are.

Honour their Paths, and Honour that despite your need for them to be always with you the way of the Universe might need them to be somewhere else for them to grow - yourself included. I have fond memories of so many lovely people that are no longer with me, and while I wished they were here sometimes I know they can't be. Let them Live on in your Heart, because that is where you will always find your connection back to them. Now that your Lives have touched, you will reconnect - perhaps not in this Life but you will one day.

Honour their Path and walk your own. Remember the good times, remember what they meant to you and always keep them close in your Heart.

Thanks so much Greenslade, your post has made me cry again! (But that's ok!). It makes sense what you wrote and lovely to think that I may see my therapist again in a different world/life. I know I will always keep her with me in my heart regardless because she has taught me so much and given me faith in myself again. I see myself through her eyes. I love what you say about people leaving you with insight regardless of how they have reacted to you. Every relationship is a gift in that sense - it brings us one step closer to our own true nature.

Thank you for sharing.

[Enya]

Dunno if this will help... but some years ago I decided to part ways with a very close friend and mentor. She might as well have been my therapist, the things we've gone through together! I've told her things no one has ever known about me... but I knew it was time for me to go. To spread my wings and jump out of the nest, as it were. Man, I worried over that choice for weeks beforehand and worried and worried... but inside, I *knew* it had to be done, just as inside *you* know it has to be done.

I trusted my instincts. I wrote her a letter and got a wonderful response, because she is a very wise and understanding lady. Afterward, I felt a bit wobbly sometimes, but more often, I felt strong and proud of myself because I had carried that parting through (and I was a consumate people-pleaser and victim, back then...)

Be *proud* of yourself, Starbuck! As Greenslade says - honour your choice, her support in your life and your own strength to make this move forward. Trust in Life... it will not let you fall. :hug2:

[Greenslade]

Thanks so much Greenslade, your post has made me cry again! (But that's ok!). It makes sense what you wrote and lovely to think that I may see my therapist again in a different world/life. I know I will always keep her with me in my heart regardless because she has taught me so much and given me faith in myself again. I see myself through her eyes. I love what you say about people leaving you with insight regardless of how they have reacted to you. Every relationship is a gift in that sense - it brings us one step closer to our own true nature.

Thank you for sharing.

More than welcome, StarBuck. Those kinds of tears are the best, they mean we care and that we have a Heart after all :-)

Sometimes all we need to do is to shift a pace or two to one side and the Universe looks very different. If she has given you Faith she has given you one of the best gifts she possibly could. All you have to do is to be brave enough to do something with it.

Safe Journey, StarBuck.

[Emmalevine]

Dunno if this will help... but some years ago I decided to part ways with a very close friend and mentor. She might as well have been my therapist, the things we've gone through together! I've told her things no one has ever known about me... but I knew it was time for me to go. To spread my wings and jump out of the nest, as it were. Man, I worried over that choice for weeks beforehand and worried and worried... but inside, I *knew* it had to be done, just as inside *you* know it has to be done.

I trusted my instincts. I wrote her a letter and got a wonderful response, because she is a very wise and understanding lady. Afterward, I felt a bit wobbly sometimes, but more often, I felt strong and proud of myself because I had carried that parting through (and I was a consumate people-pleaser and victim, back then...)

Be *proud* of yourself, Starbuck! As Greenslade says - honour your choice, her support in your life and your own strength to make this move forward. Trust in Life... it will not let you fall. :hug2:

Thanks for sharing that Enya, it does help. I agree that we know deep down what needs to be done and when. I will try to trust in me and in life.

[Emmalevine]

More than welcome, StarBuck. Those kinds of tears are the best, they mean we care and that we have a Heart after all :-)

Sometimes all we need to do is to shift a pace or two to one side and the Universe looks very different. If she has given you Faith she has given you one of the best gifts she possibly could. All you have to do is to be brave enough to do something with it.

Safe Journey, StarBuck.

"Now I know I've got a heart....because it's breaking" (The Tin Man, The Wizard of Oz)

Oh yes....sometimes it hurts so much to have a heart, but I do.

She has given me faith, self belief, courage...and that is what I want to leave the relationship with.

I am thankful I have this site to help me through this part of my journey. I was a member for a few months before I started seeing my therapist, but now that phase of my life is over...yet, the site is (fortunately) still here...

[IsleWalker]

Starbuck,

At some point in the theraputic process I was to switch from one therapist (who was supposed to be working with kids) to another. The first thing the new one asked me was to go over what had "caused my pain".

I realized then that (a) I was sick of "going through the pain" just so the therapist could understand "where I was coming from" and that (b) going repeatedly over the pain was reinforcing it and attracting more pain. The old LOA.

I ended up staying with the one who dealt with kids --for a while. I feel she was there for a reason. [BTW I've had this fantasy of visiting her during projections and giving her a message like "See what I can do?" and seeing if she will call and relate the dream. It would be sharing something precious to me.]

I agree that we will always be in touch with any who have affected our lives, even in a fleeting moment. Once introduced to the vibration of a person, I don't think we ever lose it, especially if it was an interaction of love.

IsleWalker - Lora

[grazier]

"Now I know I've got a heart....because it's breaking" (The Tin Man, The Wizard of Oz)

Oh yes....sometimes it hurts so much to have a heart, but I do.

She has given me faith, self belief, courage...and that is what I want to leave the relationship with.

I am thankful I have this site to help me through this part of my journey. I was a member for a few months before I started seeing my therapist, but now that phase of my life is over...yet, the site is (fortunately) still here...

Hi Starbuck,

Yes your therapist had indeed helped you, but she has also helped you to help yourself, to understand your self, your inner and your outer nature and in the process you have become close to her and dependent on her. Unfortunately this is very often the case with any sort or therapy. It happens between clients and therapists, patients and doctors, nurses - in fact it can happen between any two people where one gives support and help to the other. In the medical/mental therapy/healing sense it is only one sided. The process is called transference and it is where the client/patient transfers their pain/problems/negative feelings onto their therapist/doctor etc. It is a natural emotion of thanks and gratitude for the 'kindness' and 'friendship' that they have shown. It can become a real love to the client - the therapist should, towards the end of treatment, distance themselves from the patient - heading for the end of treatment. At the end of treatment the contact should be broken entirely - hard to swallow, hard to see, but it is necessary for the 'transference' to be broken. After the therapy is finalized there should be no contact at all from either party.

It can work both ways - the client can fall deeply in love with their therapist or they can hate and despise them, but either way this has to be broken for the treatment to work properly - if not you can become dependant on the therapist.

It is a very hard thing to do, but necessary. Just remember, one door closes and another always opens. There will be somebody else come along to help you and it probably wont be a therapy treatment - who knows?

Bear up - make the break when it comes and turn your thoughts and your life to something positive - a new direction that will bring you new friendships, new relationships, new interests, and above all a new life.

God bless you,

Blessings

grazier :hug3:

[Racer X]

I've made the decision to work through an ending with my therapist. I've seen her for 3 years, come so far - but for a few months it has been clear I've outgrown my need for her and no longer function well with her approach. I am very close to her and really like her as a person. I wish I could still see her as a friend - but that isn't ethically possible.

All "things" end........it is good to see this!

There is a possibilty I may need someone with a different approach for ongoing support with my life at the moment but I don't want to go backwards in my therapy and feel I want to get through this painful ending before I make any decisions.

Inside yourself is a therapist which cannot fail........will you look for it? Will you persist until it is found? It is cheap, yet very expensive! It will demand you to reach past your current limits(expensive) and it will charge nothing(cheap!). :D

It is activated much like Dorthy in the Wizard of OZ, simply call upon IT! Know it is there......
You know it is there!
You are beginning to sense it.
Now act upon it!
"Spirit guide me now, I know you are here!"
Then listen by 'not trying' by 'not doing' by 'not thinking'.

I am so full of grief I feel like I am dying. I have not yet told her I want to work through an ending but she has suggested on a few occasions that she is no longer helping me. Last week we had a run-in which sort of compounded this, and I've had to face facts.

Great! The old 'not you' is dying! Ding dong the witch is dead, the wicked witch is dead. Can you see the meaning of Dorthy killing the wicked witch? She killed her false sense of self!

I get very attached to people and have always struggled with endings. People rarely have to say a permanent goodbye to someone they care about - normally relationships dwindle and people move on. If it is permanent it is usually through death. To be honest it may as well be death. I am distraught and keep exploding into tears throughout the day.

Tears precede joy........
The darkness precedes the light.......
Night precedes the dawn of a new day!

My therapist has rekindled my faith and belief in myself.

That was her task and all you needed from her. To stay would be an error, when the time to move on comes.

For the first time in my life I've felt I have someone on my side, someone who sees the beauty in me, someone who absolutely feels I am worthwhile and has much to offer.

Wait until you find what is always been with you!

Some one to take an interest, to love to write I say and what I write. Someone who gets so much just from being around me. I'm going to miss her so much. I know I'll still carry her in my heart as it were, but it doesn't feel enough.

It is enough......

How can I leave this? How will I get over it?

Walk forward, move on, and it will simply pass.

I am in such a state that I've considered giving up my current degree course because I don't feel able to concentrate.

Perhaps it is not the proper degree for the True You? It is ok to set something down; if it is right for you it will return, if not it will dissolve.

I've never had to face such an awful goodbye from someone i've shared so much with and i don't know how I'm going to get through it.

This is hard .....yet needed......you will get through it.

If anyone has any words of support please post I feel desperate.


I wouldn't have the foggiest idea of what to say......:confused::smile::D

[Emmalevine]

Hi Starbuck,

Yes your therapist had indeed helped you, but she has also helped you to help yourself, to understand your self, your inner and your outer nature and in the process you have become close to her and dependent on her. Unfortunately this is very often the case with any sort or therapy. It happens between clients and therapists, patients and doctors, nurses - in fact it can happen between any two people where one gives support and help to the other. In the medical/mental therapy/healing sense it is only one sided. The process is called transference and it is where the client/patient transfers their pain/problems/negative feelings onto their therapist/doctor etc. It is a natural emotion of thanks and gratitude for the 'kindness' and 'friendship' that they have shown. It can become a real love to the client - the therapist should, towards the end of treatment, distance themselves from the patient - heading for the end of treatment. At the end of treatment the contact should be broken entirely - hard to swallow, hard to see, but it is necessary for the 'transference' to be broken. After the therapy is finalized there should be no contact at all from either party.

It can work both ways - the client can fall deeply in love with their therapist or they can hate and despise them, but either way this has to be broken for the treatment to work properly - if not you can become dependant on the therapist.

It is a very hard thing to do, but necessary. Just remember, one door closes and another always opens. There will be somebody else come along to help you and it probably wont be a therapy treatment - who knows?

Bear up - make the break when it comes and turn your thoughts and your life to something positive - a new direction that will bring you new friendships, new relationships, new interests, and above all a new life.

God bless you,

Blessings

grazier :hug3:

Thanks Grazier - yes I know a great deal about transference and counter-transference. I'm interested in the theraputic relationship and have studied it a lot, both from a personal and potentially professional perspective (I'm studying psychology). In the past I saw a different therapist who I idealised and unfortunately I was never able to take that idealisation inward and learn to appreciate all my good qualities. Perhaps it was not the right time. But this current therapist has focussed on helping me help myself - as a result I have learnt to trust and rely on me. I have still become very attached to her - but that's something that tends to happen to me! The good thing is, despite my attachment I know I can do it alone. I'm not dependent on her in the sense i need her to live my life. It's getting through the pain of the goodbye that is going to be so hard.

[Emmalevine]

Starbuck,

At some point in the theraputic process I was to switch from one therapist (who was supposed to be working with kids) to another. The first thing the new one asked me was to go over what had "caused my pain".

I realized then that (a) I was sick of "going through the pain" just so the therapist could understand "where I was coming from" and that (b) going repeatedly over the pain was reinforcing it and attracting more pain. The old LOA.

I ended up staying with the one who dealt with kids --for a while. I feel she was there for a reason. [BTW I've had this fantasy of visiting her during projections and giving her a message like "See what I can do?" and seeing if she will call and relate the dream. It would be sharing something precious to me.]

I agree that we will always be in touch with any who have affected our lives, even in a fleeting moment. Once introduced to the vibration of a person, I don't think we ever lose it, especially if it was an interaction of love.

IsleWalker - Lora

Thanks Lora. Yes I think there does come a time when you get sick of going over the same old stuff. I don't want to rake through my past anymore - I want to move on. Sometimes seeing someone different brings that home. I also agree that going over and over can in fact re-live the trauma and create 'stuckness' rather than actually moving on from it.

I like to think T and I would meet again in another place. Oh I so like to thnik it. I accept that is not right or possible in this world, but I think I have had an impact on her life and she certainly has in mine..

[Emmalevine]

I wouldn't have the foggiest idea of what to say......:confused::smile::D

:D That's as ever for your wise comments Racer!

I am enjoying my degree (psychology) but I think it's just the grief making it hard to concentrate at the moment, I hope things will get easier in time.

Yes the Wicked Witch melts! Reminds me of a recent dream I had where I set fire to someone...I think it was part of me.

[Greenslade]

What might help, StarBuck, is closure. While you are like this you cling onto them and that isn't good, they have moved on but still you cling to them. If you Love someone, set them free.

Sit down some night when it's quiet and light a candle. Think of the Light they have brought you, represented by the flame, remember them and know they will always be in your Heart. Give yourself a little time to remember, there's nothing wrong with nostalgia as long as you keep it in context. Then take a deep breath, wish them well on their Journey and tell them you will see them again. Tell them you will always remember them and carry them in your Heart. Then blow out the candle. Make the conscious choice to move on.

[Emmalevine]

I haven't actually ended with her yet - I need some time to work through the emotions surrounding it. This decision has literally happened in the last few days so she is blissfully unaware too! Once I have told her what I want to do and we have set a date to end, I can work through the grieving with her. Then I will be able to move on. It may seem like I'm clinging but to be fair I'm still seeing her and it's very early days. Once I have grieved I will be able to move on.

[grazier]

Thanks Grazier - yes I know a great deal about transference and counter-transference. I'm interested in the theraputic relationship and have studied it a lot, both from a personal and potentially professional perspective (I'm studying psychology). In the past I saw a different therapist who I idealised and unfortunately I was never able to take that idealisation inward and learn to appreciate all my good qualities. Perhaps it was not the right time. But this current therapist has focussed on helping me help myself - as a result I have learnt to trust and rely on me. I have still become very attached to her - but that's something that tends to happen to me! The good thing is, despite my attachment I know I can do it alone. I'm not dependent on her in the sense i need her to live my life. It's getting through the pain of the goodbye that is going to be so hard.

Hello Starbuck,

I know that it will be hard and as you understand transference you know what you have to do. It's like they say - there are no friends in business. I know when you are a caring, empathic person it is so easy to get into attachments of any kind but so hard to get out or even to draw a line. You have to be strong, move forward and set your sights on something else, something more satisfying, knowing and accepting that you can do it, you must do it. We can still hold a distant flame for past friendships and be happy that we shared that precious time, move forward and remember there will be other friendships, other relationships, other people that will be there to help you in whatever way you need. It may be that it is time to look out further into the wide world and try to steer away from therapies that you may not need. Sometimes we delude ourselves that we need people, when all we need to do is look within ourselves, accept the person that we are, accept what we are and that we can only do our best, accept that none of us is perfect and no one's life is perfect, it never will be but we can make it the better and the best by loving ourself and accepting our worthiness of living, our best points and turning away from negative things in life, the things that drag us down. Know yourself and love yourself - you are the only one that can do it and you will. Take your time and live.

God bless you,

grazier :hug2:

[Emmalevine]

Thanks for your positive words and support Grazier, I agree with what you say and do feel I am ready to move outwards now and make the most of the friendships and support network (admittedly it's thinner on the ground than I'd like but it's getting there!). It's so true that we're all doing our best, none of us are perfect and the more I've reached out the more I've become aware that in every aspect of my life I have support as it were, because I'm not alone. This means reaching within myself (which I am doing and as a child I always did) as well as reaching out to others where I can.

I have to say, though, that while therapy may be business in some respects (mine saw me voluntarily, but I do see what you mean) for many people it is important and necessary to see a therapist. I certainly wouldn't be who I am today, I wouldn't have the self belief and confidence and knowledge that I have, without therapy. Or maybe I would have, but just not known it. I think the important thing in therapy is knowing when it is no longer needed and as you say moving on. Sometimes it's not possible to get what we need from family or friends or other support networks. Sometimes seeing a therapist who will never become a friend is the path we need to follow to find ourselves again. Some people see therapy as somehow wrong or just not the thing to do because it creates dependency which is also wrong, etc. (Not saying you necessarily feel this way but I know many do.) My view is, sometimes it's what we need. It's what I needed. I might not need it now but the fact remains I have grown through my experience of therapy. I would thoroughly recommend it to anyone but I would also say - never lose trust in yourself. If it feels right, it is, and if it feels wrong, it is too. What my therapist rekindled in me is the ability to believe in my own perceptions again, to become the creative and resourceful child I always was, and had temporarily forgotten.

[grazier]

Thanks for your positive words and support Grazier, I agree with what you say and do feel I am ready to move outwards now and make the most of the friendships and support network (admittedly it's thinner on the ground than I'd like but it's getting there!). It's so true that we're all doing our best, none of us are perfect and the more I've reached out the more I've become aware that in every aspect of my life I have support as it were, because I'm not alone. This means reaching within myself (which I am doing and as a child I always did) as well as reaching out to others where I can.

I have to say, though, that while therapy may be business in some respects (mine saw me voluntarily, but I do see what you mean) for many people it is important and necessary to see a therapist. I certainly wouldn't be who I am today, I wouldn't have the self belief and confidence and knowledge that I have, without therapy. Or maybe I would have, but just not known it. I think the important thing in therapy is knowing when it is no longer needed and as you say moving on. Sometimes it's not possible to get what we need from family or friends or other support networks. Sometimes seeing a therapist who will never become a friend is the path we need to follow to find ourselves again. Some people see therapy as somehow wrong or just not the thing to do because it creates dependency which is also wrong, etc. (Not saying you necessarily feel this way but I know many do.) My view is, sometimes it's what we need. It's what I needed. I might not need it now but the fact remains I have grown through my experience of therapy. I would thoroughly recommend it to anyone but I would also say - never lose trust in yourself. If it feels right, it is, and if it feels wrong, it is too. What my therapist rekindled in me is the ability to believe in my own perceptions again, to become the creative and resourceful child I always was, and had temporarily forgotten.

Hello Starbuck,

I agree with what you are saying. There are many different reasons why therapy is good, but there is a time and a place. Some people do get dependent on therapy, some people get unlucky and get caught by charlatans. It is good if you find the right therapy and the right therapist. It can only work for you if you 'knit' with the therapist.

It is good that you have had good experiences. We all have a 'need' at some points in our life and, as you say, family and friends aren't always prepared to help, support and give of themselves when the need is there, maybe due to their own life pressures at the time.

We must all move forward, we don't want to get stuck in a rut because that is where the trouble starts.

I do understand what you are saying, I myself, am a retired therapist - psychologist/psychoanalyst/stress management consultant. So I do understand.

Just go forward with love and hope and most of all loving yourself.

God bless

grazier :hug3:

[Emmalevine]

Thanks grazier :) I think your post just reminded me of the fact I was very dependent on my previous therapist who tried to mother me, and when I started with current therapist I felt in such need for a similar style, but gradually I learned to adapt and find what i needed within me but with current T's support. What a journey it has been, but absolutely we must move forward. I never thought I could, still doubt it actually as I am scared of the intensity of my grief when I finally do make that break, but I am more prepared for it now than I have ever been. I'm deeply attached but I'm not dependent anymore. At least, that's how I see where I am.

Thanks for your understanding and support.

[grazier]

Thanks grazier :) I think your post just reminded me of the fact I was very dependent on my previous therapist who tried to mother me, and when I started with current therapist I felt in such need for a similar style, but gradually I learned to adapt and find what i needed within me but with current T's support. What a journey it has been, but absolutely we must move forward. I never thought I could, still doubt it actually as I am scared of the intensity of my grief when I finally do make that break, but I am more prepared for it now than I have ever been. I'm deeply attached but I'm not dependent anymore. At least, that's how I see where I am.

Thanks for your understanding and support.

You are most welcome Starbuck,

Go for it, you are most definitely not alone - you have SF and all the love, friendship, help and support that everyone here can give.

You can do it.

Blessings

grazier:hug2:

[mikron]

dont worry your not alone we all struggle

[Gerryh]

Starbuck.
Everything that you have experienced has brought you to this point in time,You survived and did the best you knew how.Work with your higher self to bring about the life that you desire that is full of love, joy and happiness for in the end very little else matters.
Have a great day
Best wishes Gerry

[Emmalevine]

Thanks everyone xx

[Leah85]

I get very attached to people and have always struggled with endings. People rarely have to say a permanent goodbye to someone they care about - normally relationships dwindle and people move on. If it is permanent it is usually through death. To be honest it may as well be death. I am distraught and keep exploding into tears throughout the day.

My therapist has rekindled my faith and belief in myself. For the first time in my life I've felt I have someone on my side, someone who sees the beauty in me, someone who absolutely feels I am worthwhile and has much to offer. Some one to take an interest, to love to write I say and what I write. Someone who gets so much just from being around me. I'm going to miss her so much. I know I'll still carry her in my heart as it were, but it doesn't feel enough.

Dear Starbuck, my heart goes out to you right now and I would like to offer you my perspective on your situation.

Why not facing the situation with the beautiful thought that your journey throughout the last three years was actually something meant to be on both your destinys, so that you learn from each other? So wonderful that you had a person in your life from whom you learned FAITH.

You learned FAITH from a very special person for you, but now maybe it is time for you to learn STRENGTH by life, by God and by yourself. I like to believe that no one is meant to be alone, at least for a long time on his life. If there are periods we find ourselves on that situation, I believe that we are supposed to take something from that. Once we do it, we are able to move on.

Moving on and letting go are also lessons that almost every of us will have to take on this life. Some people might suffer more than others with this, some may go through grief longer or more often through their lives. It is so hard to think that God allows us to get to know people, really love them and really care for them and then let us go apart. We like to think that there are people that are always going to be present in our lives, and sometimes they just disappear by passing on, moving city or country, choosing another path in life, etc. It is so painful. But maybe we have to go through these again and again until the day we finally understand that actually we never end up losing anyone, because people are not "ours" anyway and the mission of soul shall come prior to our emotional needs. I really do believe that one day we will all be together, in a conscious way, eternally and will never be apart again. No pain, no grief, no sorrow. Only love, awareness, consciousness and abundance. True happiness and fulfillment.

I believe you will almost reach it on your present earth life. Maybe not now, but someday you will.

Love & Blessings
Take care :hug2:

[Emmalevine]

Thanks for that Leah, it's a lovely perspective and I do feel very grateful for having my therapist in my life (currently still do, but am working towards the end.)

It is hard to say goodbye but it helps me to remember that every relationship is a gift. Even my son isn't really 'mine', as you say we don't own anyone. This does give us a greater sense of appreciation for who we do have in our lives and the people who have touched us in the past.

Thanks for your beautiful post.

[Kindje]

Dear Starbuck

I am really sorry to hear of your bad state at the moment. Other members have offered good advice which I hope helps you.
Something in your message, the parts about 'It might as well be death' and struggling with endings made me just wonder (from own experience) if you might have been a twin and/or have lost a twin in the womb? I really apologise if this is totally wrong and/confusing to you, the last thing I would like to do is confuse you more. There is a website called http://wombtwin.com run by a counsellor who is researching into this unusual situation, which is characterised by the person feeling the following:

always feeling alone, even with friends or in crowds
a certain preoccupations with death
endings (even moving on to a new life chapter) feel like a death
real deaths of loved ones are almost intolerable
various addictions as coping mechanisms
a feeling of searching for something but never being able to find it (life long)

There are other indicators based on the research by Althea Hayton who is what she herself calls a Wombtwin Survivor.

If any of this makes any sense, you might want to take a look at the site. If not, I'm very sorry to have intruded on your situation if none of this is relevant or rings any bells for you.

My best wishes to you for an improvement in how you feel.

Kindje XXX

[Emmalevine]

Thanks for your reply Kindje but it isn't relevant to me. I suspect my problems with endings stem from never having had a secure attachment to family members.

Is this strange or is this strange....I decided just 3 weeks ago to end with my therapist, then we discussed it and decided together to work a bit further on what I felt we still hadn't touched properly in our work together. This area has always been difficult in my current therapy as it's not my therapist's area of expertise, but she was willing to give it a try.

Then...today...she comes in saying she's had unexpected circumstances come up and sadly she will be leaving the agency in January. She is very sad about it but has no choice.

I can't help but believe this is meant to happen, that it's simply my time to move on and synchroncity is going to ensure this is the case.

Over analysing perhaps...but it struck me as such a freak series of happenings. And this in itself is connected to hundreds of other difficult letting gos and moving ons I've had to face in just a few months alone. It;s as if the world is reflecting or even showing me this need to start anew. Everything from this site crashing to my laptop crashing to my bank account being hacked to my dvd remote dying and then the more horrific stuff in my family (death of baby etc)...it all seems to be pointing the way to a change in my life, a shedding of the old.

Of course, now I have to cope with the grief because someone else leaving is much harder than myself doing it, but at least I did spend some time coming to terms with it when I thought I was making the decision to end.

Any thoughts on this? My therapist and I have always been deeply in tune with one another and it is so ironic in my eyes that even our ending appears synchronous.