Why Help Others?

[Gem]

If one wants to help others, helping them serves the helper somehow. Recently there's a thread about 'the thankless', so I might assume that there is a need to be appreciated, and helping someone is a good way to get that appreciation.

If you want to help others, why do you want that? Be specific, what exactly do YOU want?

[amy green]

It seems you are making this situation a one way street, i.e. that helping just serves the helper. Speaking for myself, I am motivated when there is the perceived need for help, e.g. either asked for directly or feeling their distress. (I am an empath). I have no need for my ego being stroked - not in it for the thanks - although I acknowledge that this may be one of the reasons why help might be offered. There may be a small minority helping for the appreciation but these are not representative of most helpers I feel. I get a good feeling from helping but it's from seeing I have relieved the distress of the person. That is enough/sufficient.

The thread you mention was rather an untypical example of what can transpire if giving help is overextended beyond self protection. No doubt you also read that many people posted there feeling as I do, i.e. don't help for the thanks.

[knightofalbion]

To help each other along, that's an integral part of the soul's journey. We are very much an individual, but at the same time very much a part of the whole.

By helping others, yes, we also help ourselves, for the soul is advanced through Service.
The Hindus have a lovely proverb on this...
'Help thy brother's boat across and lo! thine own has reached the shore.'

But, as with all things spiritual, the all-important thing is motive and the motive must be pure.
One should act with a pure heart, rendering the help, whatever it may be, not for praise or reward, but because it is the right thing to do.

[sound]

Hi Gem,
Displays of gratitude are not essential criteria by any means, however i am humbled by the gratitude shown by others during times of hardship/crisis, in whatever capacity. In my experience, helping others is a feelgood action for the most part. Not sure too many would help if the feeling one experienced was negative. An innate desire to preserve life and to alleviate suffering, is a primary motivator for me, to help improve someones quality of life ... that feels good.

[Tezorian]

Helping others or giving to others just makes me feel good.

If there is a need to get appreciation or thankfulness, it's because i don't give it to myself.
The deed is done for the deed, not the price or personal reward or however you call it.

[Nada]

In addition to empathy, sympathy, feeling good for helping others, or trying make this world better place, I help in order to create good karmas.

Often my help is either karma or a karmic agreement with those that I am helping. (More often than not)
It is already pre-determined.

Throughout my current physical life and as well as with my past lives, I was helped so many times by other souls.
I know with certainty that I will need help of others again and again within this life and with my future lives.

For those who helped me, I would help them back.
With some souls, I repeat this "help" cycle repeatly with each reincarnation.

At least with my one SC, we have reminded each other of our help agreement in each reincarnation - in our own unique way .
And I find this truth to be absolutely beautiful. :hug:

Have no fear.. I would help YOU. :wink:

[Gem]

Thanks, I think it's good to have clarity about what we want.

If there is a want for appreciation, then fine, helping others gets me the appreciation I need. If that's not the case then what is the case? It is nice to be appreciated though, and most everyone wants to be appreciated, so in nearly all cases, appreciation forms part of the reason we help others.

It makes me feel good, fair enough, but what makes you feel good, what's the reward itself? Maybe it's not a reward; maybe it's getting rid of something unwanted, if so what?

[Gem]

In addition to empathy, sympathy, feeling good for helping others, or trying make this world better place, I help in order to create good karmas.

Often my help is either karma or a karmic agreement with those that I am helping. (More often than not)
It is already pre-determined.

Throughout my current physical life and as well as with my past lives, I was helped so many times by other souls.
I know with certainty that I will need help of others again and again within this life and with my future lives.

For those who helped me, I would help them back.
With some souls, I repeat this "help" cycle repeatly with each reincarnation.

At least with my one SC, we have reminded each other of our help agreement in each reincarnation - in our own unique way .
And I find this truth to be absolutely beautiful. :hug:

Have no fear.. I would help YOU. :wink:

It's pre-determined, seems to contradict an 'agreement'

This touches on something called reciprocation, where the helped one feels an obligation to repay or at least pass on the favour they received. The defence mechanizm is like 'I don't want anything in return, that's not why I help', but it's just a fact that reciprociosity happens. Recriprocation is one of those things helpers need to cautious about.

Just in speculation, not a personal comment, it's possible that a pact/agreement to be mutually helpful gives helpers a sense of belonging or inclusion.

[Gem]

Helping others or giving to others just makes me feel good.

If there is a need to get appreciation or thankfulness, it's because i don't give it to myself.
The deed is done for the deed, not the price or personal reward or however you call it.

Imagine if I discovered that I really like to be appreciated, and that basically drives my compultion to help others, Would you assume I don't appreciate myself enough? I find it difficult to be forthright when judgement is informed by blanket statements.

In say aged care work where one helps with people's bodily functions for example, the deeds themselves are done for reasons, and not for the joy of the task itself. Have you done things for others that involved tasks you really don't want to do, maybe cleaned up someone's vomit or something?

[psychoslice]

Just like children who are helped by their parent, teaches, and all the rest to learn about how to get by though life, we also like to help others who are trying to get somewhere but don't know how, if you have been where they are and understand their situation, then there is nothing wrong in offering help.

Of course you can force yourself onto others, wanting them to believe what you believe, but that is a whole different story, that is not from the heart, but from the ego driven mind.

It can work the other way around also, where the one who needs help wont admit that they do, this is also driven by the ego.

[Nada]

It's pre-determined, seems to contradict an 'agreement'

This touches on something called reciprocation, where the helped one feels an obligation to repay or at least pass on the favour they received. The defence mechanizm is like 'I don't want anything in return, that's not why I help', but it's just a fact that reciprociosity happens. Recriprocation is one of those things helpers need to cautious about.

Just in speculation, not a personal comment, it's possible that a pact/agreement to be mutually helpful gives helpers a sense of belonging or inclusion.

I had different "help cycles" with different soul connections in this life already. Each of these soul connections and the reason for each karma/help cycle are unique.

Based on my experiences and observations, reciprocation is not really the intended objective or motivation of the "help".
The Help seems to come from the love and familiarity between souls.
Some help is based on agreement as well.
Some involve reciprocation and some do not.

Karmic agreements are pre-determined for this life since those agreements are made in one of the previous past lives.

I have an unique karmic agreement with my strongest SC that was made many many past lives ago.
We had repeated our help cycle in each of our reincarnations so far.
I am still trying to figure out how it would end in this life. Very interesting to watch. (Apparently I should stop watching and actually do some helping. Ha ha ha ha..)

The most interesting thing about the help is that each soul places itself at certain place and time to do the help. Very interesting indeed.
It just fascinates me each time.

[Gem]

Just like children who are helped by their parent, teaches, and all the rest to learn about how to get by though life, we also like to help others who are trying to get somewhere but don't know how, if you have been where they are and understand their situation, then there is nothing wrong in offering help.

It's like the blind dude who I saw wandering toward end of the train platform, I just said, would you like some assistance?

Of course you can force yourself onto others, wanting them to believe what you believe, but that is a whole different story, that is not from the heart, but from the ego driven mind

It can work the other way around also, where the one who needs help wont admit that they do, this is also driven by the ego.

This is loaded with judgement by way of asserting the behaviour is due to 'an ego driven mind'

[psychoslice]

It's like the blind dude who I saw wandering toward end of the train platform, I just said, would you like some assistance?



This is loaded with judgement by way of asserting the behaviour is due to 'an ego driven mind'
But maybe what you said is loaded with denial, sort of just trying to protect your ego, don't forget, there is no ego, so when I say ego, I am talking about the illusion one believes they are, no who they truly are.

[silent whisper]

Why does their have to be a reason other than doing what you want to do and share what you want to share...

The questioning of why, is only trying to make it ok in your own mind...and if your mind is still playing around there, you will learn when the why's drop away you will see past your mind and just see it as helping others.

[psychoslice]

Why does their have to be a reason other than doing what you want to do and share what you want to share...

The questioning of why, is only trying to make it ok in your own mind...and if your mind is still playing around there, you will learn when the why's drop away you will see past your mind and just see it as helping others.
Yes I agree, the mind that tries to philosophize everything will only get what the mind can understand, we have to beyond philosophy, and into the heart, there cannot be a philosophy for that, you cannot reduce it to a mere concept.

[silent whisper]

Yes I agree, the mind that tries to philosophize everything will only get what the mind can understand, we have to beyond philosophy, and into the heart, there cannot be a philosophy for that, you cannot reduce it to a mere concept.


Yes very true..

[Gem]

But maybe what you said is loaded with denial, sort of just trying to protect your ego, don't forget, there is no ego, so when I say ego, I am talking about the illusion one believes they are, no who they truly are.

Imposition of a preconceived notion. The imagined idea 'ego' pre-existed, and when I behaved in a particular manner you asserted it, which really illustrates the point I made in my previous post.

[psychoslice]

Imposition of a preconceived notion. The imagined idea 'ego' pre-existed, and when I behaved in a particular manner you asserted it, which really illustrates the point I made in my previous post.
Stop reducing it all to philosophy, you will never realize it that way, see past philosophy, go into the heart, that is where I am coming from, also forget about the ego, its in your imagination.

[Gem]

Stop reducing it all to philosophy, you will never realize it that way, see past philosophy, go into the heart, that is where I am coming from, also forget about the ego, its in your imagination.

The 'ego' thingy was your idea, I never imagined it at all, you assert I'm reducing things and you imply whay I say isn't heartful. It's all just stuff you make up.

[psychoslice]

The 'ego' thingy was your idea, I never imagined it at all, you assert I'm reducing things and you imply whay I say isn't heartful. It's all just stuff you make up.
He He, you know me Gem, yes I did make it up, just testing you, but then, mmmm, it could be true ?.:icon_eek:

[psychoslice]

"The hands that help are better far than the lips that pray."
[Robert G. Ingersoll]

[Gem]

He He, you know me Gem, yes I did make it up, just testing you, but then, mmmm, it could be true ?.:icon_eek:

There are real reasons that people are resistant to receiving help, and I know of some examples that are fairly common, but maybe reducing it to 'ego' philosophy is better than expanding it to the actual reasons.

I expand it by talking about reciprocal obligations, mentioned that we all like to be appreciated, wondered if mutually helping gave us belonging or inclusion... etc. Yep, expanded it.

Of course I speak in a heartfelt way, and with a lot of sensitivity, but really, am I gonna say doll house quips like 'it's from my heart' :icon_puke_r:.

[psychoslice]

There are real reasons that people are resistant to receiving help, and I know of some examples that are fairly common, but maybe reducing it to 'ego' philosophy is better than expanding it to the actual reasons.

I expand it by talking about reciprocal obligations, mentioned that we all like to be appreciated, wondered if mutually helping gave us belonging or inclusion... etc. Yep, expanded it.

Of course I speak in a heartfelt way, and with a lot of sensitivity, but really, am I gonna say doll house quips like 'it's from my heart' :icon_puke_r:.
No, you can only say what you can, and wherever that comes from is up to you.:hug3:

[Gem]

No, you can only say what you can, and wherever that comes from is up to you.:hug3:

Well, the thread was reduced from a reasonable open discussion to complete stupidity, so I guess it's all over now.

[psychoslice]

Well, the thread was reduced from a reasonable open discussion to complete stupidity, so I guess it's all over now.
It can't always go the way we want it to, I know some of my past threads didn't, but that's life.

[Gem]

It can't always go the way we want it to, I know some of my past threads didn't, but that's life.

Don't worry, you'll find another alter, easy.

[psychoslice]

Don't worry, you'll find another alter, easy.
Oh Gem, I love my Gem, now where's my damm alter.:blob3:

[blackraven]

If one wants to help others, helping them serves the helper somehow. Recently there's a thread about 'the thankless', so I might assume that there is a need to be appreciated, and helping someone is a good way to get that appreciation.

If you want to help others, why do you want that? Be specific, what exactly do YOU want?

Gem – I have prepared and taken hot meals to my father-in-law every week for 15 years ever since his wife passed on. He had a stroke shortly after her death and it was somewhat attributed to his awful diet because he and his adult live-in son didn’t know how to prepare meals and so they survived on canned soup and ramen noodles. He is 89 years old and his vision is bad so he can’t drive. I take him food because I care about him deeply and knew I could do better in helping his nutritional needs as well as the social interaction every week that both he and I enjoy. We have developed a very strong bond over the years and he is so appreciative of me, but that has never been my motivation, although it does feel good to have someone feel happy because of something I do. I do have to say though on a side note that I originally took on the responsibility also as a favor to my husband because I felt I’d disappointed him when I lost a high-paying job. But it wasn’t long before that motivation left me when I realized how dependent my father-in-law and brother-in-law had become on me for nutritious food. My relationship with my father-in-law has grown so deep over the years that he confides in me about things in his life that he has never told any of his children. I feel very blessed to have had this opportunity to learn and grow through our weekly visits. It’s so much more than just food; it’s about human enrichment. I talk to him about things I wouldn’t feel safe talking to my own father about. He’s an extremely wise man with incredible life experiences. And yet his complete humbleness has humbled me. For that I’m forever grateful. I couldn’t have acquired anything close to the lessons I’ve learned without walking the path. You asked for specific examples so I presented one. At this point I feel responsible for his health to a great degree. I’ve grown to love him in a very special way. That’s my motivation – love.

Blackraven

[knightofalbion]

That’s my motivation – love.



The beacon on the hill...

[Gem]

Gem – I have prepared and taken hot meals to my father-in-law every week for 15 years ever since his wife passed on. He had a stroke shortly after her death and it was somewhat attributed to his awful diet because he and his adult live-in son didn’t know how to prepare meals and so they survived on canned soup and ramen noodles. He is 89 years old and his vision is bad so he can’t drive. I take him food because I care about him deeply and knew I could do better in helping his nutritional needs as well as the social interaction every week that both he and I enjoy. We have developed a very strong bond over the years and he is so appreciative of me, but that has never been my motivation, although it does feel good to have someone feel happy because of something I do. I do have to say though on a side note that I originally took on the responsibility also as a favor to my husband because I felt I’d disappointed him when I lost a high-paying job. But it wasn’t long before that motivation left me when I realized how dependent my father-in-law and brother-in-law had become on me for nutritious food. My relationship with my father-in-law has grown so deep over the years that he confides in me about things in his life that he has never told any of his children. I feel very blessed to have had this opportunity to learn and grow through our weekly visits. It’s so much more than just food; it’s about human enrichment. I talk to him about things I wouldn’t feel safe talking to my own father about. He’s an extremely wise man with incredible life experiences. And yet his complete humbleness has humbled me. For that I’m forever grateful. I couldn’t have acquired anything close to the lessons I’ve learned without walking the path. You asked for specific examples so I presented one. At this point I feel responsible for his health to a great degree. I’ve grown to love him in a very special way. That’s my motivation – love.

Blackraven

OK, thanks for rescuing the thread through life inspired original thinking. That was very in-depth.

I'm interpreting that the experience has been enriching for you by way of meaningful social interaction, developed strong interpersonal bonds, very meaningful communications, help you to be humble, and there is a shared appreciation of eachother as people; that so much has been learned that is of real value, and... well there are a whole host of rewarding outcomes for you both. Totally wonderful, 'human enrichment', I like it very much, thanks.

[blackraven]

The beacon on the hill...

Love is the beacon on every hill and valley. :hug3:

Blackraven

[blackraven]

I'm interpreting that the experience has been enriching for you by way of meaningful social interaction, developed strong interpersonal bonds, very meaningful communications, help you to be humble, and there is a shared appreciation of eachother as people; that so much has been learned that is of real value, and... well there are a whole host of rewarding outcomes for you both. Totally wonderful, 'human enrichment', I like it very much, thanks.

Thanks Gem. It's a good feeling when someone totally gets the meat and potatoes. Yes to all the above. Being 89 I don't know how much time he has, but I am grateful for the time I will have had with him for the rest of my life.

Blackraven

[dreamt]

If one wants to help others, helping them serves the helper somehow. Recently there's a thread about 'the thankless', so I might assume that there is a need to be appreciated, and helping someone is a good way to get that appreciation.

If you want to help others, why do you want that? Be specific, what exactly do YOU want?
Really good question. I'd say I help someone because I am also helping myself. If I am offering someone help, it's usually because I can relate to their problem, if not directly, then I will at least see a parallel or pattern I can relate to. And in considering how to help them, I am also helping myself to heal or look at that part of my own experience.
I am not really what someone would consider a 'helping type' though as in it's not a dominant part of who I am. I admire people who are gifted that way. My helpfulness is limited to who I am. I like the idea though that as I grow maybe I could be more helpful.

Going slightly off-topic maybe but I would also say that what is the most helpful thing is often something very small or subtle. Little kindnesses, not grand gestures etc.
In my personal experience some of the most helpful things have been some simple advice that I didn't accept at the time, or wasn't open to, but somehow remembered years later, and then it became something magical that I could use. I will unlikely see the person again, and if I did thank them they might not even remember so it could feel embarrassing or whatever (I don't know, we weren't close or anything, more like just acquantinces for a while). There are some other examples that stand out in my memory too, where I'd say the person wasn't even trying to be helpful - they were just being present to the moment and simple compassion. Available, watching, doing the right thing. Little things like this are what I remember and am inspired by.

[Michael29]

Ive never wanted a thing from helping anyone, as when i do help people i get self satisfaction, and it makes me feel very good about myself, so in a way i get pride from helping others - by doing the right thing.

Isnt this how its supposed to be? because ive always walked this path.

[Gem]

Thanks Gem. It's a good feeling when someone totally gets the meat and potatoes. Yes to all the above. Being 89 I don't know how much time he has, but I am grateful for the time I will have had with him for the rest of my life.

Blackraven

I think instead of it being a spiritual thing, it's very earthy, and there are tangible reasons we help others and there's actual rewards too. If we actually self analyse we can see what reasons we have... but I think 'analyse' is a dirty word here because 'follow heart'and love beacon is the mantra.

[Tobi]

Well if someone asks for help, and I am aware I can help them, in my way, then to me it works like an instinct. I don't stop and think (maybe I should?)
I don't feel aware of "getting anything for it" and don't particularly want anything for it. I don't even think of it as any kindness or special behaviour on my part...just me following an instinct.
I always hope I wait for the person to ask first however, before throwing myself in.
(ever heard that story of the young man who went out determined to help old people that day, and caught sight of an old lady standing at the side of the road. He grabbed her arm, patronised her and marched her across the road. Only when they got to the other side, she whacked him with her handbag because she didn't want to cross the road in the first place! LOL!)

[relinquish]

The only reason why anyone ever helps anyone else is because it feels good for them when they do it. It really is that simple. They feel pleasure when they help others.

What other reason could there be?

[Gem]

The only reason why anyone ever helps anyone else is because it feels good for them when they do it. It really is that simple. They feel pleasure when they help others.

What other reason could there be?

I guess if ones self reflect then the reasons that motivate them are more apparent, some members have posted more detail.

There are many cases where another person is dependant and has needs, helping doesn't feel pleasurable all the time at all, sometimes it's almost too much to bear, so help is inspired by more than feelgood sensations.

[Gem]

Interesting perspective lifted from another thread:


Do you truly believe that a medium, psychic, prophet, whatever they call themselves, does not experience this need for security as well? Their security may come in the form of "helping" since they may secretly be lacking trust themselves! What they feel when they think they are helping is superiority because when people need them, they feel secure in their place in the world (http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/showpost.php?p=735816&postcount=1).

[Louisa]

I like to help people because I feel like it keeps my feeling of love and understanding of interconnection alive, which helps satisfy social needs for connection and feeling like I am a part in the social web of humanity and life on earth. Helping people makes me feel the connection, whereas just thinking and talking about it can leave me feeling cold and wondering if I'm really that connected. When I actually help people, then I don't doubt it- I feel our common humanity and the love that I have for others.

But I don't always feel the love, when I try to help others, and I don't have to, and I shouldn't try to feel it if I don't feel it. Nor should I help people unless they want the help and are benefiting from it. I also know that I can't help everyone - I need to help those who I really relate to and feel drawn towards giving to from a sincere level of empathy - so I relate to those who I understand, who are similar to me, who I have a real relationship with, etc. It's not all just unconditional, and nothing in this conditional world is unconditional, I think.

I appreciate this thread, because it has helped me kind of see where sometimes I have a bit of a martyr complex. I thought there was nothing wrong with martyring myself for a higher cause, but I see that I was wasting my energy. What's worse was that I had egoic validation reasons to want to help others, even though I didn't think that was the case.

So removing another layer of the ego, now I can see how I can help people from a more authentic angle.

[Gem]

I like to help people because I feel like it keeps my feeling of love and understanding of interconnection alive, which helps satisfy social needs for connection and feeling like I am a part in the social web of humanity and life on earth. Helping people makes me feel the connection, whereas just thinking and talking about it can leave me feeling cold and wondering if I'm really that connected. When I actually help people, then I don't doubt it- I feel our common humanity and the love that I have for others.

But I don't always feel the love, when I try to help others, and I don't have to, and I shouldn't try to feel it if I don't feel it. Nor should I help people unless they want the help and are benefiting from it. I also know that I can't help everyone - I need to help those who I really relate to and feel drawn towards giving to from a sincere level of empathy - so I relate to those who I understand, who are similar to me, who I have a real relationship with, etc. It's not all just unconditional, and nothing in this conditional world is unconditional, I think.

I appreciate this thread, because it has helped me kind of see where sometimes I have a bit of a martyr complex. I thought there was nothing wrong with martyring myself for a higher cause, but I see that I was wasting my energy. What's worse was that I had egoic validation reasons to want to help others, even though I didn't think that was the case.

So removing another layer of the ego, now I can see how I can help people from a more authentic angle.

It's best to have awareness of own needs wants beliefs and personal
values, and not be in denial of them under a guise of spiritual correctness, because that's how to prevent imposing own issues, standatrds, beliefs and wants on the people we help.

Thanks for the insightful post.

[relinquish]

I guess if ones self reflect then the reasons that motivate them are more apparent, some members have posted more detail.

There are many cases where another person is dependant and has needs, helping doesn't feel pleasurable all the time at all, sometimes it's almost too much to bear, so help is inspired by more than feelgood sensations.

Good point. I didn't think of that. In that case, rather than a feelgood sensation being the motive, there would be a perceived necessity in it's place.

We all have things we 'know' we need to do. Some of those things may be considered by most to be quite undesireable. Of these things, one personality might say, "I know I need to do this, but I really don't want to, so I won't.". Another personality might say, "I really don't want to do this, but I know I need to, so I will.".

It comes down to the conditioning, and no one ever created their own conditioning.

[Gem]

Good point. I didn't think of that. In that case, rather than a feelgood sensation being the motive, there would be a perceived necessity in it's place.

We all have things we 'know' we need to do. Some of those things may be considered by most to be quite undesireable. Of these things, one personality might say, "I know I need to do this, but I really don't want to, so I won't.". Another personality might say, "I really don't want to do this, but I know I need to, so I will.".

It comes down to the conditioning, and no one ever created their own conditioning.

It's being aware of whatever conditioning we have, because it's not the same as another's, and we really don't want to impose our own on other people. That's why self reflection is important. There aren't any external reasons in this subject because people have different needs and are also conditioned differently... I think we have to be sensitive to that.