Royalite
16-10-2010, 10:42 PM
I have no idea where to post this but it seems as though this is the best place so far. I want to apologize because this is a really REALLY long story but I really want assistance and perspective.
So for the past few months things have been happening to me that to me are scary and yet...oddly reassuring. But I keep wondering if it's the placebo effect or if I'm losing my mind.
Back in May I had been at the very bottom of a depression. For an entire year nothing BUT bad things were happening and I couldn't get pass the past! :icon_frown: Then one night while crying and pray writing and very disconnected from reality and wanting to die, I heard a voice from within that said something. The voice wasn't from my mind or from thought but came from a deeper, inner place in my heart. "You are beautifully and wonderfully made in my image!" My heart filled up with love, forgiveness, compassion, everything else that made me cry but this time it was from overwhelming bliss. I just started to hug everything and love everything!!! I couldn't even explain it and I still can't. I was at a major stand still in my life at the time and after that I went from that road block to just moving mountains! lol If I ever doubted the existence of God (because I had begun to question at the time) I changed that.
After that, things began to happen that were like daily miracles. I forgot about the past and I just started doing things that I wanted to do but at the same time I shifted gears and became more spiritual than usual. And then some new questions popped in my head. If God is Unconditional Love, is the Devil really real? Does hell seriously exist? Things of that nature. But I digress...
Because of what happened I began seeking even more profusely to awaken and to be enlightened. I hear many people say things about having an awakening experience and I read the stories and I often come into contact with people who are awakened. They radiate light to me.
One night while meditating I began to cry because I wanted to awaken but I felt so many things holding me back from living up to my full potential. I want to do well in school, I wanted to make my family happy, I wanted to be loved by others, etc and I felt like I was dying! I thought I was going to die and I wanted to die! I was rolling around and crying and crying and crying and then I realized that it was the want that was causing me to suffer! The area around my forehead and on the top of my head was pulling and tingling and it felt like there was heat and energy all over my forehead and I just came to the conclusion that I was going to die. I accepted it and welcomed it. I just wanted to go back to God. Then it all just popped! The want disappeared. I wanted nothing: not life, not death, not doing well in school, not making my family happy nada!
When I realized that the illusion of want was gone I began to laugh uncontrollably! I couldn't believe it! It was so simple! I was very much in the moment without want or need or...I was here and that's all! That was in the evening. Later that night though, my heart began to pulsate and i felt like I couldn't breathe. I was in my room alone and I felt like there was something else in the room with me though I couldn't see it. I felt fear build up in me and it was like a fight or flight response and I just ran out of the room. I was still feeling my head tingles and I went to the emergency room to which they said all my vital signs were fine. I thought I was having a heart attack! BUt since I'm only 19 and very healthy...:confused:
Anyways, the heart racing and the pulsing head continued for about two to three days before it subsided. I was told I was having an anxiety attack. But to what?!?
Anyways, I'm curious as to whether or not I'm doing myself a disservice, if I'm delusional, or if this is a sign of spiritual awakening.
So for the past few months things have been happening to me that to me are scary and yet...oddly reassuring. But I keep wondering if it's the placebo effect or if I'm losing my mind.
Back in May I had been at the very bottom of a depression. For an entire year nothing BUT bad things were happening and I couldn't get pass the past! :icon_frown: Then one night while crying and pray writing and very disconnected from reality and wanting to die, I heard a voice from within that said something. The voice wasn't from my mind or from thought but came from a deeper, inner place in my heart. "You are beautifully and wonderfully made in my image!" My heart filled up with love, forgiveness, compassion, everything else that made me cry but this time it was from overwhelming bliss. I just started to hug everything and love everything!!! I couldn't even explain it and I still can't. I was at a major stand still in my life at the time and after that I went from that road block to just moving mountains! lol If I ever doubted the existence of God (because I had begun to question at the time) I changed that.
After that, things began to happen that were like daily miracles. I forgot about the past and I just started doing things that I wanted to do but at the same time I shifted gears and became more spiritual than usual. And then some new questions popped in my head. If God is Unconditional Love, is the Devil really real? Does hell seriously exist? Things of that nature. But I digress...
Because of what happened I began seeking even more profusely to awaken and to be enlightened. I hear many people say things about having an awakening experience and I read the stories and I often come into contact with people who are awakened. They radiate light to me.
One night while meditating I began to cry because I wanted to awaken but I felt so many things holding me back from living up to my full potential. I want to do well in school, I wanted to make my family happy, I wanted to be loved by others, etc and I felt like I was dying! I thought I was going to die and I wanted to die! I was rolling around and crying and crying and crying and then I realized that it was the want that was causing me to suffer! The area around my forehead and on the top of my head was pulling and tingling and it felt like there was heat and energy all over my forehead and I just came to the conclusion that I was going to die. I accepted it and welcomed it. I just wanted to go back to God. Then it all just popped! The want disappeared. I wanted nothing: not life, not death, not doing well in school, not making my family happy nada!
When I realized that the illusion of want was gone I began to laugh uncontrollably! I couldn't believe it! It was so simple! I was very much in the moment without want or need or...I was here and that's all! That was in the evening. Later that night though, my heart began to pulsate and i felt like I couldn't breathe. I was in my room alone and I felt like there was something else in the room with me though I couldn't see it. I felt fear build up in me and it was like a fight or flight response and I just ran out of the room. I was still feeling my head tingles and I went to the emergency room to which they said all my vital signs were fine. I thought I was having a heart attack! BUt since I'm only 19 and very healthy...:confused:
Anyways, the heart racing and the pulsing head continued for about two to three days before it subsided. I was told I was having an anxiety attack. But to what?!?
Anyways, I'm curious as to whether or not I'm doing myself a disservice, if I'm delusional, or if this is a sign of spiritual awakening.