standing up for yourself

[4everLove]

Hey Everyone! So recently I had reiki done and it was nice :). I have found out more (and actually even before my session intuitively) that I love helping other people, but I am helping too much and ignoring my own needs. not enough self love. I need to stand up for what I believe in and stand up for what I want for once. I am too much of a people pleaser and hate conflict. But I am also scared because I understand I will get more people who don't like me and what not or more conflicts. But it is necessary. I am also learning to become more decisive. I have been letting others make decisions for me sometimes! I don't voice what I want enough but I am scared of being too harsh. it's not right I know to be silent for it des no one any good.

Has anyone else had to go through these things? Standing up for your beliefs even if it created conflicts or others questioning you? Any examples of hard but necessary things you had to do that maybe others did not approve of? Losing friends or more people not liking you? sorry! I am just really striving to make this change and want to hear other's stories.

Namaste

[psychoslice]

You don't need to stand up for your beliefs, there just your beliefs, no one else needs to believe what you believe in. This is the trouble with beliefs, most need to protect them, when in truth there worth nothing. Find your own truth and live from there, but don't make it into a belief, this has been done throughout the age's, and has caused nothing but misery.

[MYFIGO]

Well... I think I was always a people pleaser and what ever made them happy made me happy. I literally had no wants or desires for myself.

Since embarking on this spiritual journey, I discovered that all I wanted to do was be a healer. And the fact that no one else around me is the least bit interested in what I am doing or thinks I should do it, doesn't faze me a bit. I have embraced my passion full speed and spend huge amounts of time on it to my great joy.

In fact, when I met the guy I now date 2 1/2 years ago, I told him, "This is what I do and it's who I am. I'm not giving it up!" Although he does not share my passion, he is most supportive and actually beginning to absorb some of it.

The thing is that earlier in my life, I would have been crushed that someone didn't like me. I treat everyone with kindness and love and when someone is not kind in return, I don't take it on. I just realize that they have things going on in their life and are not able to return the kindness. Remember, it's not always about us.

No one that I personally know is as involved as I am in spiritual and psychic development. I am quite content to let them evolve at their own rate. I am open to anyone I meet who expresses a desire for help or has questions that I may be able to answer.

I think part of what helped me about standing up for myself is that when I created the rule to be the best person I could be, I was very careful about not saying anything negative. I discovered much to my surprise that I wasn't as positive as I thought I was AND when I deleted all of the negative comments and sarcasm from my conversation, that I had very little to say! LOL

On the bright side, I discovered that the really important thoughts and convictions were loud and clear inside. But I only expressed my opinion when asked. When I did say something, people really listened and I felt validated.

The throat chakra is about expressing your truth. It is not being argumentative nor aggressive. It is the quiet simple truth of your understanding. No one has to agree with you. If they want to argue with you, you are far better walking away and devoting time to your own development rather than stand there and let time pass you by.

I don't feel I lost any friends because of this as I realize how much I bent over backwards to fit in. I don't want those kind of friendships anymore and have forged others. Truly kind and loving people come into your live and are a true joy to encounter. Those are the ones you want to spend your time with.

[4everLove]

pychoslice, thank you for your comment. What I mean by standing up for my beliefs is that, for example, I will say something and then someone disagrees and somehow end up agreeing with them just to avoid conflict. BUT I am not expressing what I believe to them. It's like i don't havea voice. I am not looking for an arguement, but if someone asks me about what I think I need to be honest. I am not looking for disagreements, but I understand that there might be more because I won't be silent when someone asks me what I think or want. I can't hold back and pretend I don't care, when in fact I really do care. I don't voice myself and what I want like even when others ask. Simple things too. I think that is really important for my spiritual growth to have a say. and that is what I mean by standing up for my beliefs.

MIFIGO, thank you for your response! I actually want to become a healer and get into reiki and things. When I had my reiki session the two things that needed more balancing were my throat chakra and my solar plexus. and my healer mentioned that she sees I love helping people, but I help too much and I don't help myself enough. and I need to voice myself more. she said not like fighting or arguing or anything bad like that, but she said for example if you are hanging out with a friend and giving options on things to do and you don't want to see a movie then say you don't want tosay a movie. that is a small example, but for me practicing decision making like that will help me grow.

I have come to realize that I really don't help much by just wanting people to like me and going with the flow. i want posiive change in the world and I want to be a part of that. I want to stand up for the good and myy beliefs.

thanks for your comments :)

[amy green]

4everLove (wow - lovely user name), a few thoughts sprang to mind on reading your OP.

You say that you're a people pleaser to the extent where you will agree with someone even when you truly don't. Characteristically this often goes hand in hand with having low self esteem. Finding ways to boost your self confidence would help with raising this. You say you want to be honest..are you now practising this or does the fear of being too harsh stop you? This issue is about self-assertion. It's a common misconception that, in order to ask for what you want, you appear harsh. It's a question of degree...there are ways of asking for what you want, asserting your beliefs diplomatically. Self assertion is not about being a bully (another common misconception) but getting your needs met/standing your ground. There are books on self assertion (and courses) should you think that this may be the way forward.

In the past, I chose to lose friends when it wasn't a reciprocal relationship, i.e. I was doing all the giving and felt used. I accept that I put myself in that position to a large extent. Being kind can so easily be abused. Boundaries are necessary to prevent this. Maybe you are at the stage of assessing which friends to keep? It seems that way from your OP.

[skeptical]

This article has insights too on the need to always be nice and the different reasons people choose to be so. Near the bottom is a part about genuine niceness that is in tune with our true selves. http://denmarkguy.hubpages.com/hub/is-an-HSP-a-nice-person
While it is aimed at HSP, it has value for everyone regardless if they are or are not.

Note, this post has been edited to put in the link for the correct article. Sorry about that.

[Seawolf]

I think it's a great thing to learn to stand up for yourself. I feel very uncomfortable around people who take advantage of others because they can. I've lost some friends because of it, but I'm happier now because of it. They weren't good friends in the first place.

[4everLove]

amy green, thank you so much for your response! I just got a AHA moment. I realized that I do have low self-esteem and I just want to get a long with everyone. So thank you for that and I do have to work on that. i do think that if i speak my mind i am too harsh or don't want to bully. but i know its an illusion with many things for me and that i really do need to stand up for myself. I will look at self-assertion. thank you!

skeptical, i will read that article thank you! that will help a lot!

seawolf, thank you because i feel reassured! i am uncomfortable around those people too and i always want to tell the other person to stand up for them self, but then i look at me and i need to tell myself that lol. thanks!

[Seawolf]

seawolf, thank you because i feel reassured! i am uncomfortable around those people too and i always want to tell the other person to stand up for them self, but then i look at me and i need to tell myself that lol. thanks!
Your welcome. :smile: It's inspiring to hear someone talk about taking responsibility for their life.Just today I had to stand up for myself, and I felt the fear but did it anyway. My life is my responsibility so I have a choice of the kind of people I want in it. It may be hard sometimes but choosing a happy life is worth it.

[Albalida]

Any examples of hard but necessary things you had to do that maybe others did not approve of? Losing friends or more people not liking you? sorry! I am just really striving to make this change and want to hear other's stories.

I'll just quickly rephrase that for you.

Any examples of hard but necessary things you had to do that maybe others did not approve of? Losing friends or more people not liking you? I am just really striving to make this change and want to hear other's stories.

That is a noble quest! NO APOLOGIES. :wink:

I had to walk away from my only surviving immediate family, my sister, who had a substance addiction, and was trying to control my life in manipulative and abusive ways. For example, saying that a friend of the family's would give me money for vocational school, and then lying about which profession he would approve or disapprove of my pursuing.

It was the culmination of a lot of little lessons, I suppose. Our mother had drilled it into our heads that we must respect other people's opinions. My sister took to to mean that she could be as opinionated as she wanted without being criticized, while I took it to mean that I wasn't allowed to criticize anybody's opinion or have any opinion of my own.

And then I found out that very few people actually know how to form an opinion. My favorite school, since I'd transferred a lot, I found one with enforced anti-bullying rules and that was in a supportive environment... and, the academic standard was one of critical thinking. There was an objective truth, and there were methods by which to find it.

But that still depended on things outside. The idea of personal values and principles came later. Obviously, you and I value compassion: we do not want to cause suffering to others. However, that had to also be balanced with the principle of honesty. If nothing is true, then everything is meaningless. Meaning is truth, truth is meaning.

So, then the responsibility to do no harm was not only personal. I felt responsible for curbing the harm and suffering perpetuated by others. If mutual boundaries were reinforced, then we would have mutual respect. However, if you're being put upon, then bending over backwards to make room for them doesn't solve the problem, because they don't need to live in such a way that infringes upon your own life. That their feelings are hurt, by your back breaking as you bend over for them... are not equivalent claims to damage.


So, I left. I didn't fight to forbid my sister from drinking, because she considered that her right and her choice-- and I agreed, but inasmuch as it affected me, is how I had to take responsibility. And all our mutual friends suggested that I could "take responsibility" for how I felt by just not feeling bad when my sister would get drunk and hit me-- but I considered that a physical impossibility, like asking not to be bruised. They didn't live with her, while I did... so... their "opinion" on how I should feel and what I should do, was just plain wrong. They weren't me, and this was my choice that I was making for myself. They were the ones being presumptuous and overreaching their boundaries of wrong and horribly bad advice.

Sure, some people use abuse as an opportunity to develop more patience and candor, and maybe in some relationships that even works. That's their choice, this is mine: neither must impose upon the other.

[Ivy]

I was part of a group once in which one man acted as a 'guide' for spiritual development. But for some, that guidence involved the idea that showing strength in their sexuality (to him) was part of what they 'needed' to become stronger spiritually.

I am not a moralist and there are many spiritual practises which I may disagree with, but I would live and let live. But in this case, I saw the damage and the potential for greater damage in what this man was doing. So I stood by my own sight and spoke up about it.

The situation eventually lost me all the friends I'd made in the group, and it effected my mental and spiritual health for a while too.

But from where I stand now the value of the lessons and the depth of development from that time is proving immensely valuable. For all the heartache, I wouldn't change what I did - it was a bridge I had to cross to get to this side of it.

[4everLove]

I just want to thank all of you for all these responses! You have no idea how much it is helping me. reading each of your posts seems to just speak something to me and different things you have all gone through. it is all worth it at the end even though it is hard at first. nothing changes if we don't change. so thank you all! and I just wanted to say that I recently jut started writing in a journal and it is really helping m express my feelings. I can look back and just pick up on the ways I am feeling and the common themes.

Thank you thank you thank you! :)

[Emmalevine]

I'm late to this hread but just wanted to say I struggle with it too. I find it very hard to stand up for myself because of many reasons; bullying as a child leading to low self esteem, not wanting to hurt people's feelings, fear of conflict, and more. I know how painful this can be. I'm mch better at it now I'm learning to set my boundaries and protect myself emotionally (I'm an empath) and basically knowing I'm worth it. I haven't read all the posts as I have to start some work but I hope you find a way that is helpful to you.

[Seawolf]

I have a hard time confronting people directly. I can ignore them and stop talking to them, because if they're abusive or manipulative I don't feel like I need to even talk to them. I just don't let them be a part of my life and soon they get the hint. But at the same time I feel like it might be better to confront the person so they at least know where I'm coming from. Maybe it would be good for my self esteem if I stood up for myself in a direct confrontation instead.

[4everLove]

Thank you Starbuck! I totally feel you because I am an empath too! we definately need to set boundaries for ourselves. And I am seeing that there is a difference between standing up for yourself in a positive manner vs a negative manner. Haha thank you for joining the thread!

and Seawolf, thank you for your input. I am very much the same where I ca easily walk away and leave, but it is the confrontation WHEN it is necessary to do so that I am needing to work on. Good luck on your journey! I think "gentle, but firm" haha.

[Seawolf]

Thank you Starbuck! I totally feel you because I am an empath too! we definately need to set boundaries for ourselves. And I am seeing that there is a difference between standing up for yourself in a positive manner vs a negative manner. Haha thank you for joining the thread!

and Seawolf, thank you for your input. I am very much the same where I ca easily walk away and leave, but it is the confrontation WHEN it is necessary to do so that I am needing to work on. Good luck on your journey! I think "gentle, but firm" haha.
I know what you mean, 'nice' people don't like to confront others. Gentle but firm sounds very good to me though! I've done it before, I need to make a point of continuing that way. Good luck to you too! :smile:

[4everLove]

Thank you! We can be support for each other since we both know what it is like!

[CrystalSong]

4everlove it's not actually possible to get along with everyone, there were people who didn't like Mother Theresa if you can imagine that!
By the way you have a very beautiful loving enenergy =D

We all vibrate at varous levels depending where we are on our Journey, when there's too much of a disharmonic (difference in vibration) between us and another we can't even understand each other and friction develops. No one's right no one is wrong it's just the nature of things.

There will always be people vibrating at a slow low level who look for every oppertunity to create disagreement, it brings them pleasure from the level they are currently experiencing and can relate too. You can allow that too...I prefer to do so from a distance! lol

Allow people thier own truth from where they stand at the moment, no need to sway your words to make them more comfortable, state your truth, live yours and allow others theirs. We can allow this just by being silent and smiling gently.

[4everLove]

Your post made me smile, CrsytalSong! and that makes great sense! even Jesus was killed because not everyone liked him. I am learning a lot lately. This has been quite in experience for me. I think the best is too allow and not fight against things. Peace and Love always :)