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Roselove
09-10-2010, 12:06 AM
I have been hurt too many times in my life and too forgiving.. i have let people in my life too many times that have hurt me in so many ways.. i finally cut those chords.. do i really have to forgive them? i feel like forgiving them no longer holds them accountable for their actions.. they have wronged me unfairly in so many ways and chance after chance i have given them and they just hurt me.. i can't let them back in, they don't even see the errors of their ways.. so what can i do? i don't want to hold negative resenetment energy in but i feel like letting go won't hold them accountable for their actions, i also dont' really now how to let go.. as i am hurt at a deep level

John32241
09-10-2010, 12:38 AM
You ask some very good questions.

I can see by what you say that your intent is to be well. You do want to make better choices and put yourself into a better energy.

You want to replace "negative resentment" with compassion. This apples to aspects of the self as well as the person who has deliver the pain.

I suspect that if you embrace that concept completely, you can move forward with your goals.

Blessings,
John

Roselove
09-10-2010, 01:08 AM
thanks John I have compassion for most souls, just not them I have tried to understand where they are coming from but either end up feeling guilty myself or can't figure it out.. it's just difficult for me

innerlight
09-10-2010, 01:14 AM
I have been hurt too many times in my life and too forgiving.. i have let people in my life too many times that have hurt me in so many ways.. i finally cut those chords.. do i really have to forgive them? i feel like forgiving them no longer holds them accountable for their actions.. they have wronged me unfairly in so many ways and chance after chance i have given them and they just hurt me.. i can't let them back in, they don't even see the errors of their ways.. so what can i do? i don't want to hold negative resenetment energy in but i feel like letting go won't hold them accountable for their actions, i also dont' really now how to let go.. as i am hurt at a deep level

Forgiving another is not condoning their actions, but is making peace with yourself that allows you to heal. Forgiving releases any judgments you may have about them after they did what they did. Those that do bad things to us are acting with the knowledge they have at the time. In their eyes they were doing what was right. If it was not right to us, mean to us, or harmful to us, we must forgive them for they know not what they do.

What they did is something they did. It does not mean you have to hold onto it and remind yourself of it all the time. If you do such an act you are not moving forward with it, but are stuck on it, and in most cases you are living in the past.

Forgiving them does not mean you have to allow them in your life. You can forgive them, and let them go so they can find their way. As much as we want to help the world we can only help those that want help. The others we sometimes have to let go of them to allow them to grow and learn. Sometimes keeping them in our lives will do them harm in their growth because they will not grow. Sometimes it takes us letting go of them for them to realize something is not right.

Roselove
09-10-2010, 03:22 AM
i understand that, it's just so much harder to do lol but your right I am going to have to let this go just don't know how to

innerlight
09-10-2010, 03:29 AM
i understand that, it's just so much harder to do lol but your right I am going to have to let this go just don't know how to

Here is an exercise I wrote on forgiving and letting go. Hope it helps you.


While it is not always easy, or possible, to talk it out with the person that it is involved. You can do the next best thing. That is to write them a letter. This letter does not need to be sent to them. This letter never has to see the light of day ever again after you are done with it. You can make this letter as simple as, I forgive so and so for doing this or that. I find that itís more effective the more detailed this letter is. This will allow you to get everything you have ever felt, and are feeling, off of your chest and out into the open. This will then help free yourself from the event that you have been holding on to and will take you one step closer to freedom, peace of mind, and happiness. When you are done with this letter its best that you destroy it, burning it is helpful. This allows you to be fully free of the energy that you put into this letter. You also may not want to take the chance that someone may see this letter at some point.

(c) innerlight

Roselove
09-10-2010, 03:31 AM
thank you so much innerlight i will try this! lol prb will need to write several.

pre-dawn
09-10-2010, 06:26 AM
As innerlight says, forgiving is not about condoning. IMO, it is also not about releasing judgments. They have hurt you, how could you forget? Forgiveness is really not so much about the past but the future.
Forgiveness is not to have ill-will towards the person or group. In forgiving we clear the space in front of us as well as inside us.
In all of this let's not forget that the person most in need of forgiveness by ourselves is ourselves. Forgiving ourselves for being so unforgiving in so many ways.

innerlight
09-10-2010, 02:25 PM
As innerlight says, forgiving is not about condoning. IMO, it is also not about releasing judgments. They have hurt you, how could you forget?

Is there really a reason to not forget? What does remembering it really do for us? It makes us cautious and lowers our trust, and then we end up shielding ourselves from others so we don't get hurt. Sometimes we even go as far as to holding a grudge toward the person that hurt us, after all they hurt us. We don't let it go and allow ourselves to be free.

Many people use the saying, "I can forgive but I just can't forget."

Are you really forgiving if you can't "forget?"

Summerland
09-10-2010, 02:41 PM
I have been hurt too many times in my life and too forgiving.. i have let people in my life too many times that have hurt me in so many ways.. i finally cut those chords.. do i really have to forgive them? i feel like forgiving them no longer holds them accountable for their actions.. they have wronged me unfairly in so many ways and chance after chance i have given them and they just hurt me.. i can't let them back in, they don't even see the errors of their ways.. so what can i do? i don't want to hold negative resenetment energy in but i feel like letting go won't hold them accountable for their actions, i also dont' really now how to let go.. as i am hurt at a deep level

Rosewater, I can totally empathize with you and your problem. I have had to make a nonsense mantra for myself, "I'm like a duck; I just duck and let it roll off of me" Sounds totally trite, but that is basically it. Two daughters have hurt and betrayed my trust so many times that we don't even speak. And that was their choice, not mine. It hurts and there are grandchildren involved. But at the same time I feel so very sorry for my daughters. You can't keep dwelling on it; you can't keep going over the 'what if's '.But you have to let go of any bitterness or anger. Those emotions will eat your body and soul up. They lead to heart attacks and cancers. Forgive and don't try to forget because you can't Not a real spiritual answer I know, but it is self preservation and logical. You can't keep your doors unlocked after you have been robbed a few times. Then it is time to make sure that the house IS locked up and safe. I will probably get some gaff on this reply, but I do know what you are feeling and what you have gone thru.

ThinkingAloud
09-10-2010, 03:01 PM
Hi. Yeah, it's certainly one of the tricky issues as it can be hard to forgive especially when people seemingly can't see what they've done.

Like you say, when you hold onto resentment, you hold onto negative emotions so, ultimately, I think we have to let go.

Forgiveness for me is about understanding why people behave the way they do - without me trying to sound like I'm some angel!

But if we can understand why people behave the way they do, it can go along way to forgiving them. So, for example, someone may carry anger around with them because of something from their childhood which makes them lash out.

If someone continues to be wrong, there's not a lot we can do other than maybe let them go out of our lives because they're ultimately no good for us.

Roselove
09-10-2010, 03:46 PM
^well said thinkingaloud

Summerland, I'm sorry you have dealt with this as well

thank you all for your responses! all good points..

ces
09-10-2010, 04:33 PM
I think that forgiveness is necessary to move forward and not be consumed by the wrong that was done. I think also though that by not forgetting we become stronger.

Racer X
09-10-2010, 05:14 PM
I have been hurt too many times in my life and too forgiving.. i have let people in my life too many times that have hurt me in so many ways.. i finally cut those chords.. do i really have to forgive them? i feel like forgiving them no longer holds them accountable for their actions.. they have wronged me unfairly in so many ways and chance after chance i have given them and they just hurt me.. i can't let them back in, they don't even see the errors of their ways.. so what can i do? i don't want to hold negative resenetment energy in but i feel like letting go won't hold them accountable for their actions, i also dont' really now how to let go.. as i am hurt at a deep level

Growing pains is what you feel.
Betrayal and you choose to finally stand up for yourself, needed to do this for a long time.
Cutting the cords from those you are outgrowing or outgrew a long time ago, has to be done.
Accountability is to the law of Duality. Each is accountable under the Law of Duality(Karma), yet if you wish Grace and the Law of One, you will need to Forgive until you Realize even Forgiveness is an illusion; that will take a shift in conscious awareness which comes after the entire world is forgiven including Self.

How to Let Go????

Fake it until you make it! Practice saying "I forgive All" until all emotional energy invested in attachment to error is released. You will know when it is done when you feel Free for the first time in your life.

You not not change another, that will happen on its own. Change YOU or rather, change the Point of Consciousness. You are not the thoughts you cling too!

Roselove
09-10-2010, 05:57 PM
yes!

i'm afraid if repress my anger and try to say i forgive them it will manifest in other ways.. i think i will just talk about what happen, work through the emotions to clear the charge if i can..

true i can't change another, i just wish they would stop treating me this way..

daisy
09-10-2010, 11:39 PM
i don't want to hold negative resenetment energy in but i feel like letting go won't hold them accountable for their actions, i also dont' really now how to let go.. as i am hurt at a deep level

I've struggled so hard with this myself, so I know what you're going through, what I can tell you is it will get easier, I am not able to forgive this person, but bit by bit I am letting it go because I don't want to feel the way this person makes me feel as its horrible and so not like me.

When you are emotionally cut so deep you feel you will never heal from it but you will, please trust me on that.

Firstly, you need to acknowledge that you are at this moment in time unable to forgive that person, don't worry about the future that's not here yet, and immediately that takes the pressure of as it takes a lot of energy to feel like that forever and believe that you will feel like that forever.

Secondly, tell yourself that it is ok not to forgive them, so many end up feeling so guilty about not forgiving, they forgive before they are ready, then the resentment sets in which makes you feel (imo) ten times worse, as then you feel like a doormat, a mug, a pushover and that you ask for trouble because you allowpeople to hurt you again because you forgave them.

I find once I acknowledge I cannot forgive them anytime soon I can then decide that is ok, but because I have not forgiven and it still hurts I am still wasting my own energy on them, this still puts them in a position of control so I need to find a way to turn that around, the best method i've found is doing my best not to even think about them and focus on making my own life as happy and successful as I possibly can, if they do come to mind I go and do something positive for myself or my loved ones, in effect cancelling out a negative with a positive.

I don't know what others have suggested but this works for me, hope you feel happier soon(((hugs)))


And no, imo forgiveness is not essential for healing, false forgiveness is not true forgiveness only forgive when you are truly ready to do so.

Roselove
09-10-2010, 11:48 PM
thank you daisy! i will try this..

ThinkingAloud
10-10-2010, 12:05 PM
It is difficult to forgive when people continue to behave the way they do. If someone is sorry it become a lot easier.

I had a situation in my life and haven't spoken to this person since, which is a mutual thing as this person doesn't want to speak to me either after they rang me to deny something they had said to get themselves out of a whole. Basically, lying.

The reason being is that they were causing trouble within the family and only seem to care about no 1.

I know this person has got problems going back in their life, but it still doesn't give them the excuse to try and ruin other people's relationships.

Can I forgive this person? In the sense that I can let go of what they did. Do I ever want them in my life again? No. Because the behaviour would continue.

glenos
10-10-2010, 12:13 PM
Me too.. Just turn the other way and forget 'em. Time and circumstance will right the wrongs. In the meantime get on ya bike, start peddling, and try to forget it. It's all a learning curve bud.

Who's come out stronger... you have ;0)

Roselove
10-10-2010, 04:30 PM
lol my bike fell into a ditch

thanks for advice i will ignore them and try to let go of resentment.. they aren't sorry and haven't changed don't even acknolwdge they did anything wrong..

glenos
10-10-2010, 05:04 PM
Along with mine a time or two no doubt.

I know, get a boat and sail away.... lol

in progress
10-10-2010, 06:02 PM
Maybe this isn't really about needing to forgive them? I keep hearing over and over that everything happening around us is reflecting back something about us, things we like and don't like. Is there something you need to forgive and love about yourself?

Roselove
10-10-2010, 07:06 PM
**** glenos!

good point inprogess.. i guess maybe it's my own feelings.. i don't have self worth, very low self esteem..

glenos
10-10-2010, 07:40 PM
...get them sails up :sunny:

You are worth loads mate :wink:

inspirit
10-10-2010, 07:46 PM
I have been hurt too many times in my life and too forgiving.. i have let people in my life too many times that have hurt me in so many ways.. i finally cut those chords.. do i really have to forgive them? i feel like forgiving them no longer holds them accountable for their actions.. they have wronged me unfairly in so many ways and chance after chance i have given them and they just hurt me.. i can't let them back in, they don't even see the errors of their ways.. so what can i do? i don't want to hold negative resenetment energy in but i feel like letting go won't hold them accountable for their actions, i also dont' really now how to let go.. as i am hurt at a deep level

Maybe I can help. I don't know the best answer to this but I have found the best way to deal with people like this is to forget them and when negative thoughts and resentments creep back in to pray for them. Yes forgiveness is necessary for healing but that doesn't mean letting someone back in to hurt you again and again. At the same time it doesn't necessarily mean cutting all ties with them because it's not possible to entirely forget about someone. The best thing to do is to pray whenever thoughts of them creep back in and to establish good boundaries in case you ever must deal with this person again.

Roselove
10-10-2010, 07:50 PM
how sweet glenos thank you! i will drop you off to a tropical island for vacation on my way!

thank you admin.. i think it's just bet for me to cut off ties at this point, lol pretend they don't exist

pre-dawn
11-10-2010, 12:01 AM
Is there really a reason to not forget? What does remembering it really do for us? It makes us cautious and lowers our trust, and then we end up shielding ourselves from others so we don't get hurt. Sometimes we even go as far as to holding a grudge toward the person that hurt us, after all they hurt us. We don't let it go and allow ourselves to be free.

Many people use the saying, "I can forgive but I just can't forget."

Are you really forgiving if you can't "forget?"
Yes, one is forgiving partly because one does not forget. If we could forget then forgiveness would not be necessary at all, just forget. Some people would have to forget years of their life.
We know that virtually nothing is is forgotten but stored in memory. No matter whether it can be easily retrieved or not it influences our life. Forgiveness is the means to defuse memories.

mahakali
11-10-2010, 12:21 AM
i think of the kali yuga, we are all learning. no one is perfect and im sure in a past life i abused someone real bad. we are incarnating in a really ego filled time and many are suffering, even our abusers. just a thought. you dont have to forgive. These things affected you and you have a right to feel the way you do.

Roselove
11-10-2010, 12:25 AM
thank you ....

Jules
11-10-2010, 12:47 AM
For me, it's learning to forgive on the SOUL level. It doesn't mean you condone their behaviour. But before you can do that you have to learn to forgive yourself. And that's the hard part!! Once you're on the road to liking and accepting who and what you are, then you can look at the person AND the situation, take a step back, look at the bigger picture, and see why they are acting the way they are.
Forgiveness goes hand in hand with judgement. Part of our journey is to become non judgemental, compassionate, empathic and so on. Learning to forgive on a deeper level helps you achieve the lessons being taught. Remember, everything happens for a reason and so many positives can be taken from what seems like such a negative situation. You just have to figure out what those are and forgiveness then becomes second nature. It's not difficult. Remember the old addage. KISs Keep It Simple. This doesn't mean you become a pushover, and if people think you are so be it - that is their own issue and not yours.
Be firm, be strong in your own beliefs and you'll get there. Time is a great healer - just keep in mind what you are learning from all this and you'll be just fine :)
Namaste
J x

Roselove
11-10-2010, 02:24 AM
thank you jules! true i need to find my own self worth now..

LaMont Cranston
11-10-2010, 05:06 PM
Rosewater, I have a few thoughts about forgiving, so let me jump into this discussion.

For starters, I have found that true forgiveness is a much more powerful act than I ever imagined. There are many things in life that we here about, think we understand and kind of take for granted. In my experience, forgiving is one of those things.

The first person we need to forgive is ourselves, and this is a point that is often overlooked. In fact, I seriously doubt that it is possible to love or forgive anybody else more than we love ourselves. Once we realize this, we can also realize that there is no inherent conflict between loving ourselves, loving others, loving all that exists, loving God, etc. Whether we choose to do that or not is another matter.

It should also be noted that there is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. If I forgive somebody, including myself, it is because I have looked inside myself and made the decision to forgive. However, that doesn't mean that the memory of what has transpired is erased from my consciousness. I don't know any way to make that happen. It means that I do not harbor negative feelings, anger, desire for vengeance, etc. against the person, but it does not mean that I'm going to put myself in a position to have the same thing happen again.

For example, I do volunteer work for a charity. Years ago, a guy I knew asked if I would loan him twenty dollars. At the time, I was pretty flush, so I loaned him the twenty. I've never seen a nickel of it come back to me. I forgive the guy and don't hold bad feelings toward him, but I'm not going to "loan" him money again. For twenty dollars, I was able to find out that he's the kind of guy who doesn't pay back money.

Another thing you might consider is that there is a difference between genuine forgiveness and apologies and phonies. If I decide to forgive or apologize, it's because I've decided that I truly mean it. However, I have been on the receiving end of phony apologies. The way they work is that somebody will come to you and make an apology (usually because they have done something to foul your relationship with them). Before they leave, they will usually say something to the effect of "There, I've apologized, but we know it was really your fault."

OK, I hope that some of this was helpful.

Roselove
11-10-2010, 05:31 PM
"It means that I do not harbor negative feelings, anger, desire for vengeance, etc. against the person, but it does not mean that I'm going to put myself in a position to have the same thing happen again."


YES! thank you this is exactly what i need to do, just was having trouble articulating it.

Shalamar
11-10-2010, 09:38 PM
I belief and have experienced that forgiveness is essential to healing. Not only others so, but yourself as well. By holding on to resentment, you are giving them power over you and stop your own growth. Now nobody says forgiveness is the same as forgetting. What you can do so is let the burden go and learn from the lessons you have received. Yes, you have received lessons from it if you look deep down inside and even if it was only what sort of persons to stay away from.

SoaringSpirit
12-10-2010, 06:02 AM
In my opinion, forgiveness is more about yourself than those that you forgive. Forgiveness allows YOU to move on and put what happened in the past. If you do not forgive, all that happens is that the resentment etc builds up in you and spoils your life and the person on the 'other side' probably doesn't even have an idea of how you feel about the situation. Without forgiveness, you are just keeping that person 'tied' to you because of those emotions you are feeling.

Forgivess doesn't condone the behaviour of the other person, it just releases YOU...

Roselove
12-10-2010, 02:53 PM
right well said.. lol i feel a bit less resentful today

Xan
12-10-2010, 09:13 PM
Rosewater... I haven't read all the posts in this thread and I'm sure you have gotten better understanding, and suggestions for your healing, from many people. But I have an urge to add my two cents worth.


Forgiveness does not mean the people who hurt you are unaccountable. But you recognize this is a matter not in your hands but is between them and their own soul. Besides, they are not the ones suffering from your remaining hurt and resentment... you are.

Forgiving does mean you are now willing to let go of the past, to heal yourself and be free of all that happened so you can go ahead in your life. We have talked about your use of EFT in the past, and this is a the core element in that healing method.

I posted an article in the forum about forgiving... what it is and a specific wiriting process for doing it thoroughly. I find this works much better for deep healing than simply having a surface release through a new thought and feeling.

The Power of Forgiving - http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/showthread.php?t=3683 (http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/redir.php?link=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.spiritualforums.co m%2Fvb%2Fredir.php%3Flink%3Dhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww .spiritualforums.com%252Fvb%252Fredir.php%253Flink %253Dhttp%25253A%25252F%25252Fwww.spiritualforums. com%25252Fvb%25252Fredir.php%25253Flink%25253Dhttp %2525253A%2525252F%2525252Fwww.spiritualforums.com %2525252Fvb%2525252Fredir.php%2525253Flink%2525253 Dhttp%252525253A%252525252F%252525252Fwww.spiritua lforums.com%252525252Fvb%252525252Fredir.php%25252 5253Flink%252525253Dhttp%25252525253A%25252525252F %25252525252Fwww.spiritualforums.com%25252525252Fv b%25252525252Fredir.php%25252525253Flink%252525252 53Dhttp%2525252525253A%2525252525252F%252525252525 2Fwww.spiritualforums.com%2525252525252Fvb%2525252 525252Fredir.php%2525252525253Flink%2525252525253D http%252525252525253A%252525252525252F%25252525252 5252Fwww.spiritualforums.com%252525252525252Fvb%25 2525252525252Fshowthread.php%252525252525253Ft%252 525252525253D3683)


blessings,
Xan

Wolf63
13-10-2010, 02:09 AM
I think forgiveness is essential for yourself. You don't have to tell them you forgive them or let them back in to hurt you again. You just have to let it go yourself. I have finally forgiven my ex for plenty of bad treatment. In this process I realized things that I did to hurt him too. Some intentional some not. I probably will never tell him I forgave him. I did so in meditation. I felt my higher self was talking to his and asked forgiveness as well. And I actually feel sorry for his situation now but he is a leach and I would never give him even a small opening. I divorced him 29 years ago this is how long I have carried the resentment, anger, and hurt around. Now I can think of it and not feel myself go into a rage. This forgiveness theme has come up several times in the last couple of years for me. Its like the person ends up right in front of me and I have to deal with past resentments. But the ex was the biggest yet. I think I am getting there:wink:. Good luck!! There are lessons everywhere.

Xan
14-10-2010, 12:35 AM
Good self-healing work, Wolf!


blessings
Xan

Smiler
14-10-2010, 12:46 AM
Hi Rosewater

I agree with Innerlight.. maybe also not forgetting is just protecting yourself until you get to a level whereby you can accept that their path is not yours!
Forgiving maybe does come first ..maybe? And forgetting comes when you feel stronger in yourself!

Blessings
:)

Xan
14-10-2010, 01:10 AM
When we forgive we still remember what happened, so it's not really 'forgotten'. But the memories don't have the pain of negative emotions with them.


Xan

Roselove
14-10-2010, 01:25 AM
right true thanks everyone! lol it's just hard i guess maybe it's bc they make me feel worthless so it sets up a cycle of resentment where i feel like i have to do something to prove myself not sure.. it's just hard to let go

pre-dawn
14-10-2010, 02:25 AM
I agree with Innerlight.. maybe also not forgetting is just protecting yourself until you get to a level whereby you can accept that their path is not yours!
Forgiving maybe does come first ..maybe? And forgetting comes when you feel stronger in yourself.
We should be clear about one thing, not remembering is not the same as forgetting. Memory not recalled, for whatever reason, is not the same as memory erased.
We also know that unconscious memories still have an effect on our life, they actually run our life more than what we are consciously know and think.

From Above
17-10-2010, 03:14 PM
Hi Rosewater....
Forgive them.... For they no not what know they do.........

Blessing to you Rosewater .........

Roselove
17-10-2010, 04:56 PM
thank you <3