ovoxo
15-05-2012, 09:52 AM
I am 21 years old. I have never been in a relationship, and never had many friends (certainly no close friends). I have been emotionally alone my entire life. Although I maintain a decent relationship with them, my parents are quite distant from me. They have supported me in every way except emotionally. I feel that I have failed to live up to their visions and standards. I am closest with my brother, but I can’t discuss personal matters with him. I feel as though I have nobody except myself to rely on.
My entire life has been managed internally. Emotions, fears, regrets, feelings- I have always worked out within myself. I went through periods of depression, locked inside my apartment for days at a time, alone. For the most part, no one knew I was even depressed. I didn’t want to have to talk about my feelings. I’ve never done that. I suppose that’s a fear in itself at this point. As for most of the people I’m friends with now- I just listen to them talk about their lives and problems, generally without them even caring to ask what is happening in my life (and if they do, me abruptly turning the conversation back onto them).
I have considered seeing a therapist, but I’m afraid of what that would entail in my personal life. For example- my mother asking me why I need to see a therapist, and me fearing being truthful with her because she is very judgmental. As far as she knows, my life is fantastic. As far as everyone knows…
I now live in Los Angeles (after escaping the Midwest), so I’m also surrounded by wonderful spiritual healing centers, but I have this nagging fear of visiting one. I think I’m afraid of the truth. I’m afraid of myself because I want to be what others want me to be instead of who I actually am. I’m a people pleaser. I know I can’t be everything to everyone, but I sure as hell try.
I realize these are irrational fears and that I shouldn’t worry about such things, but nothing is stopping me from worrying. I feel like I could live my entire life as a lie, no problem. BUT it’s hindering my spiritual development.
After my last depressive spell, I turned towards spirituality. I took up learning Buddhist practices, meditated for a short while, read many books on spirituality, and became a much happier and better person. The problem is that I keep coming back to these issues of being alone and having no one to express my true self to. These issues keep coming up, and I’m afraid that I won’t be able to continue my spiritual growth without addressing them.
I’m also severely afraid of judgment, and it doesn’t help that I’m stuck in a position in my life surrounded by extremely judgmental and shallow people who I can barely stand to be around (and I have to live with them!) Oh, the negativity I’m around daily is exhausting, and I absorb all of it. I’m frozen with anxiety about expressing my true self because I know I will be judged for it.
To make all matters worse, I’m an empath and extremely sensitive to everything.
I’m lost as to what I can do at this point. I know I need to take action, but I’m always hesitant. I guess I’m just comfortable being “nothing” in a sense. Is there any spiritual advice you could share with me? I just need some sort of motivation, and I search for it every day without avail.
My entire life has been managed internally. Emotions, fears, regrets, feelings- I have always worked out within myself. I went through periods of depression, locked inside my apartment for days at a time, alone. For the most part, no one knew I was even depressed. I didn’t want to have to talk about my feelings. I’ve never done that. I suppose that’s a fear in itself at this point. As for most of the people I’m friends with now- I just listen to them talk about their lives and problems, generally without them even caring to ask what is happening in my life (and if they do, me abruptly turning the conversation back onto them).
I have considered seeing a therapist, but I’m afraid of what that would entail in my personal life. For example- my mother asking me why I need to see a therapist, and me fearing being truthful with her because she is very judgmental. As far as she knows, my life is fantastic. As far as everyone knows…
I now live in Los Angeles (after escaping the Midwest), so I’m also surrounded by wonderful spiritual healing centers, but I have this nagging fear of visiting one. I think I’m afraid of the truth. I’m afraid of myself because I want to be what others want me to be instead of who I actually am. I’m a people pleaser. I know I can’t be everything to everyone, but I sure as hell try.
I realize these are irrational fears and that I shouldn’t worry about such things, but nothing is stopping me from worrying. I feel like I could live my entire life as a lie, no problem. BUT it’s hindering my spiritual development.
After my last depressive spell, I turned towards spirituality. I took up learning Buddhist practices, meditated for a short while, read many books on spirituality, and became a much happier and better person. The problem is that I keep coming back to these issues of being alone and having no one to express my true self to. These issues keep coming up, and I’m afraid that I won’t be able to continue my spiritual growth without addressing them.
I’m also severely afraid of judgment, and it doesn’t help that I’m stuck in a position in my life surrounded by extremely judgmental and shallow people who I can barely stand to be around (and I have to live with them!) Oh, the negativity I’m around daily is exhausting, and I absorb all of it. I’m frozen with anxiety about expressing my true self because I know I will be judged for it.
To make all matters worse, I’m an empath and extremely sensitive to everything.
I’m lost as to what I can do at this point. I know I need to take action, but I’m always hesitant. I guess I’m just comfortable being “nothing” in a sense. Is there any spiritual advice you could share with me? I just need some sort of motivation, and I search for it every day without avail.