My Happiness does not depend on others

[Shabby]

One great awareness I had many years ago and which has helped me a lot is that I am not responsible for any ones happiness but mine.

My marriage has been blessed through this awareness as I do not see my husband as the source of my happiness nor do I expect him to make me happy. If I want flowers...I buy them myself. I don't expect him to think of these things and I don't expect him to know which ones I feel like having in my house at any given time as this may change with my moods or the seasons.

My kids are happy kids. They understand that it is their responsibility to be happy. They have been given the tools and they use them.

[Eudaimonist]

One great awareness I had many years ago and which has helped me a lot is that I am not responsible for any ones happiness but mine.

Awesome! That is a good epiphany.


eudaimonia,

Mark

[amy green]

Shabby - I totally share this mind-set/attitude. It's so important to be self-sufficient when it comes to happiness, i.e. not reliant on it coming from external sources. I regard it as a cornerstone of being and practising spirituality. To be your own anchor - at peace with yourself - allows you to interact freely, at your best, without strings. It's liberating.

[3dnow]

One great awareness I had many years ago and which has helped me a lot is that I am not responsible for any ones happiness but mine.

My marriage has been blessed through this awareness as I do not see my husband as the source of my happiness nor do I expect him to make me happy. If I want flowers...I buy them myself. I don't expect him to think of these things and I don't expect him to know which ones I feel like having in my house at any given time as this may change with my moods or the seasons.

My kids are happy kids. They understand that it is their responsibility to be happy. They have been given the tools and they use them.

Yes this is unconditional love: Don't judge / don't be judged ...

[Shabby]

Shabby - I totally share this mind-set/attitude. It's so important to be self-sufficient when it comes to happiness, i.e. not reliant on it coming from external sources. I regard it as a cornerstone of being and practising spirituality. To be your own anchor - at peace with yourself - allows you to interact freely, at your best, without strings. It's liberating.

Yes that is so true Amy. I know it is a such simple awareness, but wow how profound. Right?

[Shabby]

Yes this is unconditional love: Don't judge / don't be judged ...

Yes 3D it is all about non judgment and it is unconditional love. We don't know what will make others happy even if it were possible. If I look to blame others for my unhappiness then I will never rise above a victim-hood and if I think it is my responsibility to make others happy I will never let others rise above their victim-hood.

[Shabby]

The beauty about this awareness for me, was to see that we would be living in a much happier world if we dropped the belief that we can make others happy and if we stopped believing that others could make us happy. We would seek our happiness and let others seek theirs without being selfish.

With this awareness, doubt would drop, fear, expectations, ups and downs, guilt and shame. It is truly a beautiful life knowing that we have a choice to choose happiness for I truly believe what Albert Einstein said: Happiness is a state of mind.

[Shabby]

To be happy...is a decision and we are given the opportunity ever single second of our life. No matter where we are, no matter what is going on in our life right now, we can decide to be happy.

And when we decide to be happy and don't wait for this or that to come to pass, then we are also allowing others to be happy...now.

[Squatchit]

I can relate to this so much Shabby. Both ways too. Not only does my happiness not depend on others....another's happiness does not depend on me.

I've had one or two relationships in the last few years where I've been told that I am their happiness. As much as I tried to gently suggest they have their own happiness inside...and to tap into it, they didn't see this and relied on me for their happiness. The relationships became imbalanced (of course) and I had to back out of them.

This is not just in relation to romantic relationships, but any relationship. The older I get, the more I'm understanding the subtle dynamics of relationships. It's a very interesting subject.

Squatch

[Shabby]

I can relate to this so much Shabby. Both ways too. Not only does my happiness not depend on others....another's happiness does not depend on me.

I've had one or two relationships in the last few years where I've been told that I am their happiness. As much as I tried to gently suggest they have their own happiness inside...and to tap into it, they didn't see this and relied on me for their happiness. The relationships became imbalanced (of course) and I had to back out of them.

This is not just in relation to romantic relationships, but any relationship. The older I get, the more I'm understanding the subtle dynamics of relationships. It's a very interesting subject.

Squatch

Yes Squatchit....I saw it first in my marriage but as you say it is with every relationship and it does make a big difference.

[3dnow]

I can relate to this so much Shabby. Both ways too. Not only does my happiness not depend on others....another's happiness does not depend on me.

I've had one or two relationships in the last few years where I've been told that I am their happiness. As much as I tried to gently suggest they have their own happiness inside...and to tap into it, they didn't see this and relied on me for their happiness. The relationships became imbalanced (of course) and I had to back out of them.

This is not just in relation to romantic relationships, but any relationship. The older I get, the more I'm understanding the subtle dynamics of relationships. It's a very interesting subject.

Squatch

I like this one ...

3d

[Joshua_G]

Shabby, to my view, realizing that each one's wellbeing is dependent upon each and every one of us is an advanced one.

As human beings, we are born into certain paradigms, or conditionings. Some are based upon one's specific culture and upbringing, others are common to all human beings. That the source-of-authority (concerning knowledge and wellbeing) is outside of us is one of primal and very basic paradigms, or conditionings, shared by all human beings. It is neither easy nor simple to see reality outside that conditioning.

[Shabby]

Shabby, to my view, realizing that each one's wellbeing is dependent upon each and every one of us is an advanced one.

As human beings, we are born into certain paradigms, or conditionings. Some are based upon one's specific culture and upbringing, others are common to all human beings. That the source-of-authority (concerning knowledge and wellbeing) is outside of us is one of primal and very basic paradigms, or conditionings, shared by all human beings. It is neither easy nor simple to see reality outside that conditioning.

Really? I may be assuming something here so I would love to talk more in detail about these "conditions" you speak and know of. In my awareness it is simply a decision, no matter what condition is presented to us in our life. The only thing I do see holding us back from making that decision is that we might not know or be aware that we have a choice to choose.

[Joshua_G]

Really? I may be assuming something here so I would love to talk more in detail about these "conditions" you speak and know of. In my awareness it is simply a decision, no matter what condition is presented to us in our life. The only thing I do see holding us back from making that decision is that we might not know or be aware that we have a choice to choose.
My experience is different. Also my observations about how people operate.
One cannot simply decide to actually and experientially perceive reality differently than what one is conditioned to. Conditionings may be broken, but it's neither easy nor simple. It cannot be done by simply deciding to.

I'll try by a way of example.
One may read some Yoga or Buddhism literature saying that the ego is an illusion. (Ego is the sense of "I", the sense of individual existence). That one may believe what he/she read and agree with the concept that the ego is an illusion. However, one's agreement, or belief, that the ego is an illusion will not change the way he actually perceives reality. That agreement, or belief, will not make his/her sense of "I" go away. Even if he/she will decide to let go of the ego, that decision will not make his/her sense of "I" go away.

[Shabby]

My experience is different. Also my observations about how people operate.
One cannot simply decide to actually and experientially perceive reality differently than what one is conditioned to. Conditionings may be broken, but it's neither easy nor simple. It cannot be done by simply deciding to.

I'll try by a way of example.
One may read some Yoga or Buddhism literature saying that the ego is an illusion. (Ego is the sense of "I", the sense of individual existence). That one may believe what he/she read and agree with the concept that the ego is an illusion. However, one's agreement, or belief, that the ego is an illusion will not change the way he actually perceives reality. That agreement, or belief, will not make his/her sense of "I" go away. Even if he/she will decide to let go of the ego, that decision will not make his/her sense of "I" go away.

To believe in conditions is never the less a belief. Remove the belief and you will have removed that which creates the experience of conditions. Simon had a great thread on this subject which he referred to as "The distance". To me the distance between the "I" and oneness is the belief we have that keeps us from experiencing oneness. Could it be that simple?

[sound]

Hi Shabby
While reading through this thread i was reminded of another one where we were all discussing how responsible/or not we are for each others feelings. Some people determined that yes, we must be responsible for the feelings of others ... I couldn't help relating it to this thread and then asking 'Are we responsible for each others unhappiness?

[Joshua_G]

To believe in conditions is never the less a belief.

There may be a reality in itself, independent of our beliefs.


Remove the belief and you will have removed that which creates the experience of conditions.

Are you free from all conditionings?


To me the distance between the "I" and oneness is the belief we have that keeps us from experiencing oneness. Could it be that simple?

Do you still have that belief that you are separate from oneness?
If yes, why do you hold unto it?
If not, do you experience oneness? Oneness with what?

[Shabby]

Hi Shabby
While reading through this thread i was reminded of another one where we were all discussing how responsible/or not we are for each others feelings. Some people determined that yes, we must be responsible for the feelings of others ... I couldn't help relating it to this thread and then asking 'Are we responsible for each others unhappiness?

That's a good question Sound. What comes to my mind is the saying: I am not here to make you happy, but to keep you happy.

[Shabby]

[QUOTE=Joshua_G]There may be a reality in itself, independent of our beliefs.


Are you free from all conditionings? No


Do you still have that belief that you are separate from oneness? No
If yes, why do you hold unto it?
If not, do you experience oneness? Oneness with what?Yes with God

[Joshua_G]

Are you free from all conditionings? No

Why do you hold on to those beliefs that you are conditioned?


Do you still have that belief that you are separate from oneness? No
…
If not, do you experience oneness? Oneness with what? Yes with God

Is there any suffering, or pain in your life, even only at times?

[sound]

What comes to my mind is the saying: I am not here to make you happy, but to keep you happy.
I am not sure we can keep others happy either Shabby ... I don't really see any difference there between the the two ...

[Mountain-Goat]

One cannot simply decide to actually and experientially perceive reality differently than what one is conditioned to. Conditionings may be broken, but it's neither easy nor simple. It cannot be done by simply deciding to.

It is that simple. Just some people do not realize this because they hold onto a belief it is difficult.

"If you want to follow me to freedom, be prepared to swim upstream, against the river of conditioning.
Be prepared to grapple continuously with the fierce flow of negative mental currents. In time our strokes will become effortless and our sense of purpose irresistible." - Buddha
That's the difficult part. The ability to choose is the simple part.
Coming to the realization that choice is simple is the difficult part.
The realization that choice is a simple act...that's the simple part.

"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make our world." - Buddha
If the act of deciding is difficult for you, then that's what it will be for you.
If the act of deciding is simple for you, then that's what it will be for you.

The journey to obtain realizations, that's the difficult part due to inner conflict, which is due mostly to lack of self awareness\understanding.

[Mountain-Goat]

Beautiful realization by the way Shabby.

[Shabby]

Beautiful realization by the way Shabby.

Thank you A.C. : )

[Joshua_G]

It is that simple. Just some people do not realize this because they hold onto a belief it is difficult.

Do you mean realize in the meaning of understanding the mind?
Does such a realization actually creates reality?

[Deusdrum]

Do you mean realize in the meaning of understanding the mind?
Does such a realization actually creates reality?
Quantum physics have shown that the nature of light when observed changes from a particle to a wave, just by being observed.

Studies have also shown that despite what scientists thought about a personality or the brain being fixed at a certain age, this is not as true as they once thought. There is the term called 'neuroplasticity' which basically means new pathways in the brain can be established with greater use, and old ones can die when they are not used. It depends not only on what you are looking at, but also how you are looking at it. There may be levels and layers of reality. No one looking at something will see it exactly the same way. This gets into the philosophical 'thing in itself?' debate, which i don't wish to get into at the moment.

[Joshua_G]

Quantum physics have shown that the nature of light when observed changes from a particle to a wave, just by being observed.

Studies have also shown that despite what scientists thought about a personality or the brain being fixed at a certain age, this is not as true as they once thought. There is the term called 'neuroplasticity' which basically means new pathways in the brain can be established with greater use, and old ones can die when they are not used. It depends not only on what you are looking at, but also how you are looking at it. There may be levels and layers of reality. No one looking at something will see it exactly the same way. This gets into the philosophical 'thing in itself?' debate, which i don't wish to get into at the moment.
How is it related to what I wrote (asked)?

[Deusdrum]

How is it related to what I wrote (asked)?you asked 'does such a realization create reality?' The answer to me is yes, and no. You are recognizing a reality that is already there, a deeper one perhaps, but it will also change reality 'as you know it.' You don't see the relevance in my above post? Seems directly so to me, but who knows. Maybe i misunderstood your question. Even at a fundamental level of just observing something changes it. This means yes, we change reality all the time. Hard to extract or remove ourselves from the reality which we interact with, in my opinion.

[Joshua_G]

you asked 'does such a realization create reality?' The answer to me is yes, and no. You are recognizing a reality that is already there, a deeper one perhaps, but it will also change reality 'as you know it.' You don't see the relevance in my above post? Seems directly so to me, but who knows. Maybe i misunderstood your question. Even at a fundamental level of just observing something changes it. This means yes, we change reality all the time. Hard to extract or remove ourselves from the reality which we interact with, in my opinion.
What do you mean by realization? (My definition is made real by experience).
Quantum physics deals with phenomena on quantum level (sub-atomic).
Opinions may be one thing, while the actual reality may be a different thing.

[Deusdrum]

What do you mean by realization? (My definition is made real by experience).
Quantum physics deals with phenomena on quantum level (sub-atomic).
Opinions may be one thing, while the actual reality may be a different thing.
My definition is also made real by experience, and i'm not sure how a 'realization' could exist without a person to have it. Opinions should be based on experience, but some are inherited, whether from mom and dad or school or peers or the media or books. In some way, opinions in the form of thoughts can change reality. Consensus reality is the way it is because of the collective opinion that it should be this way.

But, "Reality is that which, when you cease to believe it, doesn't go away." as Philip K **** said. This reality is still based on quantum physics, at least that is one model or way from which to apprehend and explain or understand 'reality.'

For example people meditating upon water with love can change it's physical chemical composition, and projecting nastiness to another glass of water can change it's state as well. To me consciousness and quantum physics are interconnected and both a part of life, and therefore why separate them saying 'this is this, and that is that'. The only place that really separates them is in your mind, but not reality. (Though in your mind reality may conform to your opinion of what it should be, or seem to.)

[Joshua_G]

My definition is also made real by experience… Opinions should be based on experience, but some are inherited, whether from mom and dad or school or peers or the media or books.

Agreed wholeheartedly.


… and i'm not sure how a 'realization' could exist without a person to have it.

That which ultimately realizes, the actual realizer, is pure consciousness, which is transcendent, not a person.


In some way, opinions in the form of thoughts can change reality. Consensus reality is the way it is because of the collective opinion that it should be this way.

Indeed, though it takes collective consciousness to change the reality. See my web-pages: http://www.the-third-circle.com/better_world/ .


For example people meditating upon water with love can change it's physical chemical composition, and projecting nastiness to another glass of water can change it's state as well. To me consciousness and quantum physics are interconnected and both a part of life, and therefore why separate them saying 'this is this, and that is that'. The only place that really separates them is in your mind, but not reality. (Though in your mind reality may conform to your opinion of what it should be, or seem to.)

Indeed.

[Deusdrum]

Agreed wholeheartedly.


That which ultimately realizes, the actual realizer, is pure consciousness, which is transcendent, not a person.


Indeed, though it takes collective consciousness to change the reality. See my web-pages: http://www.the-third-circle.com/better_world/ (http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/redir.php?link=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.the-third-circle.com%2Fbetter_world%2F) .


Thanks for the link, will check it out after work.

[Mountain-Goat]

Do you mean realize in the meaning of understanding the mind?
How many times do you need me to cite the dictionary definitions before you get that is what i mean by realization.
Does such a realization actually creates reality?
me not on woo woo train at this section of my journey.

[Joshua_G]

me not on woo woo train at this section of my journey.
Whatever works for you, works for you.