Childhood pacts.

[silent whisper]

In a recent post, I bought up that space of childhood pacts we make in our times of struggles as children. Sometimes the pain in those occurences can open us to create pacts with ourselves. I do know that for me their were a few pacts I made as a child and on revelation of those spaces, I was able to see how I instilled them for my own protection of any further harm. Something as simple as, "I will never put myself in that position again to be hurt." That for me was a major pact. In that space of both pact and fear, often times I would still find myself caught in the web of it all. That, in most cases, made the fear worse. Gradually the layering of fear over the pact and the pain, made my life hell. It felt like most of life, I was in a battle to avoid pain and fear. I know I was. Letting go of those pacts wasnt easy.
But it became easier for me as I let go of the pain. Facing the fear of fear was traumatic as well, but it allowed me to then let go of those closed off childhood pacts. This process for me was incredibly layered and intense to walk through, but to regain my freedom, I chose to do it.

[Sarian]

That makes me think of when I was in 8th grade, I sort of snapped if you will. I absolutely hated school. I was painfully shy, mostly because i felt I was different from everyone else and I was a watcher and studied people and didn't much like what I saw even then. Math was my worst subject and the teacher was something else and I was sitting there by the window, daydreaming out of it and he said something to me and at that moment, I snapped. Not outwardly, but I turned to him and just glared at him in defiance and inside I thought 'nobody is EVER going to make me do ANYTHING I DON'T WANT TO DO EVER AGAIN." and I took some comfort in that. I felt, at that moment, I had control over MY life. The teacher kept harping at me and I continued to glare at him, then I took my books and simply walked out. Surprisingly, I never got reprimanded for that.

In other ways that chip has come back on my shoulder from time to time, but then there are other areas, no matter how much I want it there, or that really hard protective wall, it doesn't work.

Couple years later I took verbal assaults from a bully every damn day because I was an easy target being quiet. One day I snapped though and turned around and punched her in the face. She never, ever said another word to me again, and all her cronies were so shocked they never came to her defense, but if anything tried to chum up to me and I told them to get lost too. lol.

[Roselove]

I think our subconsioius is constantly making pacts/contracts throughout our lifetime as we grow, evolve, go through traumas..