Transformation

[Roselove]

so i have been through dark night of soul and think i am going through another one, its been an intense period of clearing through old traumas and transmuting negative energies.. for a period even though my illness wasn't cured i felt great, for the first time in my life i was confident in myself, felt competent and things were going well but i didn't quite finish and now am worse off then i started!

basically due to abuse, conditioning etc i lack self worth, boundaries etc, have acknowledged i have a problem and corrected it however it doesnt' feel natural to put myself first or set boundaries, i am confused as to what's appropriate, what isn't.. i just feel confused and am not sure how to resolve this.. i guess the main issue remaining is with my parents, i am so used to putting them first i feel guilty doing things for myself but i also resent them for the way they treated me, issues they created.. not quite sure what to do.. any advice?

[God-Like]

it doesnt' feel natural to put myself first

Hi Rosey . :smile:

Thats the story of my life hahaha .

On a serious note though, those that put others first have a deeper sense of happiness even when sufferings are knocking on their door .

To be selfless and of service is a wonderful expression .

x daz x

[John32241]

Rosewater,

Consider that we create our reality with the aid of loved ones. What if we pick our parents and the potentials for what they will do to us.

If you can embrace that perspective, you can transform quite a few issues in your life.

Best Wishes!!
John

[michael55]

Follow the Holy Spirit or you Inner Guidance! That is my advice.

[iolite]

Rose...

Baby steps! Keep telling yourself, that it is ok to say no. Practice in front of a mirror if you need to. Give yourself pep talks! Pretend that you are talking to a really good friend and giving her advice. Treat yourself as you would someone you care about. It will sound silly and feel awkward at first, but it will help a lot.

You are their child and THEY should be putting YOU first. It is OK to tell them NO!! It is OK to even walk away if they are toxic and make you ill. I understand dysfunctional relationships. I have one with my mother. My sister cut all communication with my mother years ago. My mother has absolutely no idea why she did. But she said something hurtful about my sister to a cousin and my stupid cousin told my sister about it. My sister decided that was the last straw.

I now live quite near my mother, I see her infrequently but I keep in contact so my daughter can have a relationship with her grandmother. I do this for them. I understand my mother has no filter between her brain and her mouth and will simply say stuff that she really shouldn't. I have learned to call her on it. She in turn will do something really dumb and then interpret my response and then get her feelings hurt and give us the silent treatment. This is what I grew up with. She ruined Christmas one year because of it. Even though we apologized she still stayed away for the holiday. I had to take my daughter over to her house so she could give her grandma her present. It was a whole year before she would even come over to my house. My husband still is steamed about her childish behavior, but like my dad and I told him, this is classic behavior for my mom. My dad and mom have been divorced for decades now, they divorced when I was seven, at her insistance.

I have come to terms with my relationship with my mother. I will simply never be close to her -- to much water over the bridge for me to cross over. I will however be there for her when she needs me. But I refuse to get caught up in her drama anymore.

It has taken me years to get to that point, though. I relate to her as an adult, not as a child. I won't let her do that to me.

[Racer X]

Rather then try to resolve the last "Problem" ........


Remove the supports which hold the "Problem" in front of you while binding yourself in a prison which ...... is only there so long as the "Problem" is believed.



You are at the Limits of "The Rational Mind" and it cannot resolve the "Problem" because it is not a resolvable problem like .....


Transcend into the INTUITIVE MIND....... How???


Hold the thought "My parents are my Problem...... is this True?, This is NOT what I want to see! Show me the Truth which is Greater then this!"


Then force no answer.......

If an answer arises out of the rational mind it is usually defensive and trying to hold you in this pattern. Tell it to shut-up! You are not the Answer!

Then just keep holding to the question "What is the Real Truth Here??"

Then go about your day to day activities ~

BE MINDFUL(pay attention) to thoughts as they come and go ~

Write then down until no more distractions appear.......

It can get a little ugly here........

It can take a few weeks/months of writing until you are ready.....

Ready for what?

No longer carrying the burden you carry~

Then the Answer of the Intuitive Mind will come through..... and you will burst into laughter.

You may be required to stand up for yourself if you are in a controlling situation which has been outgrow. If so.......... STAND! It may require repeated stands....... if so...... STAND and STAND and STAND~!

Then Write and write and write~

[Sarian]

Do you still live with your parents? I have a love/hate relationship with my mom...she's dying of cancer now... you are still young and I'm just young at heart...you are two years younger than my oldest son and two years older than my daughter. I also have a 19 year old son. Funny thing is that I could be your mom and your words sound like something I could have written.

I don't want you to become my age and still be dealing with hurts and pains. I had my issues, but I just held them all in. I'm glad you have outlets to speak what you need and get some feedback.

The first time I dared to speak out to my mom I screamed at her 'I HATE YOU" and fled away from her, two minutes later I was beggin her forgiveness and tears falling. The next major blow I was going to get married and it was just a mess and I felt like nothing in my life meant anything to anyone and I got p*ssed and threw a chair LOL. Then I went into the livingroom and asked my brothers if they had anything they wanted to add as well, go for it, but don't be surprised if another chair went flying. LOL, and I am not a violent person...but hey the volcano errupted.

I guess all I can say right now, since I've got to leave and get my daughter, but love yourself first. Cheesy and cliche, but you are important and this is your life. My mom used guilt on me my whole life and looking back I think, what the hell did I even do to deserve the guilt? I wasn't planned? That's why I should feel guilty? You weren't born to take care of them...

I've got to get my daughter now...but if you don't live with them, try not to let them, or your mom get under your skin so much...when I moved out, it was better for me...and the times I did do things with her, we became more friends and that was nice and now that she's dying, those times we spent going to garage sales ..her favorite thing.. we have good memories with those...so I will grieve her passing and love her and appreciate her...and I look back on things in her life that caused her own bitterness and resentment and even towards me as well... but we can only do so much for people in our lives and they must take on their own responsibilities as well as we do our own...but not everyone thinks like that and it's easier to blame others. take good care rosewater.

[midnightstar]

You are worth more than what you've had in your life Rose, please don't forget that :hug2:

[Roselove]

thanks so much for responses, i'm at a complete loss on this! you all are such wonderful people!

Iolite sorry to hear about your issues with mother, def understand as relationships with both my parents are toxic, i know they love me & care but they have issues and i have to accept this relationship isn't healthy for either of us.. i am starting to pull back but can't help but feel guilty

will follow racer, my rational mind seems to be on speed as of late or non existant lol all this garbage coming out of my unconious, i think on some level i blame myself

sarian unfornately due to finanical reasons and illness i do! same story everytime i try to confront either of them or stand up for myself, they pull out the guilt card and play victim, apparently i'm insane or just imagigining they are controlling or verbally abusive, i offered to take them to therapy so they can get a third party evaulation since anything i say will be invalidated but they don't believe in it and according to them i manipulate my therapist into thinking they are bad people.. It's just confusing their behavior, accusations are abusive, they contsantly project their issues on me but i know they care and love me at the same time.. i try to pull away but i guess it hurts bc i don't want to, but i can't change them and know we have unresolved issues.. the accusations they make, the views they have really really hurt me, just thinking about it brings me to tears, i think for years i repressed it then finally in therapy and spirtual awakening i had to address it

thanks bd, i know, i just wonder what i did to deserve this though!

thankfully i did learn to shed old condtioning/patterns though now due to confusion i'm reverting back to it, it's just a difficult situation.. i think they have their issues/egos but i know they would never try to malicously hurt me.. but this is one of my life lessons self worth, i need to figure out where to draw the line

thank you all again for the lovely advice! nice to have an outlet!