learning to heal
30-12-2011, 01:05 AM
Burning.
Slowly burning out.
I can’t remember a time we were happy. The arguments never stopped. The women were always suicidal. We grew up saving lives and waiting to be saved from ourselves. Self-harming, mums cooking carelessly, hitting your head with your hands over and over, and over again. Someone notice me I beg you. It was easier hiding in your Barbie house and living make-believe fairytale stories. Dear dad, I don’t recognise you. Last I remember of you I was riding on your back as you were down on all fours making me laugh. You always let me beat you in chess and take me for bike rides. Dad, I lost myself the day you stopped caring. When you were never there for ANY of my volleyball team games, or cheering me on when I won cross-country. You were never there for school meetings and I can’t remember you ever asking how my day went even. I lost you the day you lost all respect and dignity for yourself when you realised the monster you were. When you beat me up for feeling like you had failed me because I at the age of 12, had a crush on the boy next door. The worst thing though is you never forgave yourself, so instead you kept at it. This new person you had become. And I lost you dad. I was your little princess and I lost my dad. Not only was your heart broken. And mine. Our family was. Our house was. I tried to be H’s best mum in the world. Then I left for what I thought was freedom – to university at MMU. It was no freedom. I started binge drinking, continued self-harming and developed an eating disorder. I attempted suicide, and if it weren’t for H I would have given up long ago. You kept getting worse dad. After uni I packed my bags and left home. Then I came back out of guilt. You never taught me strength, courage and honesty and when I left home those were the things you accused me of not having. You called me a COWARD. You said I hadn’t had the courage to talk to you, or strength to fight for my beliefs, or honesty to say how I felt. Instead I ranaway. But I tried what I knew!!! How can you accuse me of something I didn’t have?! It’s not my fault!! And, it’s not your fault. But you need to grow up dad!!! Before everyone leaves! Quick dad! You will break! I can’t watch! Hurry! WAKE UP! Don’t keep sleeping! Don’t keep being blind!!! I came back and I left again! H wants to runaway!!! V- hates it and is waiting to leave. B left, G wants to leave now, Ba wants to die sooner. Mum won't cope. Dad – I hope, I hope, I hope, you find Love within. I hope you heal, I hope you are forever free. I love you. PLEASE dad...
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Please.. is there anything I can do to help heal my home??? thank you so much for reading. Thank you.
LTH
Slowly burning out.
I can’t remember a time we were happy. The arguments never stopped. The women were always suicidal. We grew up saving lives and waiting to be saved from ourselves. Self-harming, mums cooking carelessly, hitting your head with your hands over and over, and over again. Someone notice me I beg you. It was easier hiding in your Barbie house and living make-believe fairytale stories. Dear dad, I don’t recognise you. Last I remember of you I was riding on your back as you were down on all fours making me laugh. You always let me beat you in chess and take me for bike rides. Dad, I lost myself the day you stopped caring. When you were never there for ANY of my volleyball team games, or cheering me on when I won cross-country. You were never there for school meetings and I can’t remember you ever asking how my day went even. I lost you the day you lost all respect and dignity for yourself when you realised the monster you were. When you beat me up for feeling like you had failed me because I at the age of 12, had a crush on the boy next door. The worst thing though is you never forgave yourself, so instead you kept at it. This new person you had become. And I lost you dad. I was your little princess and I lost my dad. Not only was your heart broken. And mine. Our family was. Our house was. I tried to be H’s best mum in the world. Then I left for what I thought was freedom – to university at MMU. It was no freedom. I started binge drinking, continued self-harming and developed an eating disorder. I attempted suicide, and if it weren’t for H I would have given up long ago. You kept getting worse dad. After uni I packed my bags and left home. Then I came back out of guilt. You never taught me strength, courage and honesty and when I left home those were the things you accused me of not having. You called me a COWARD. You said I hadn’t had the courage to talk to you, or strength to fight for my beliefs, or honesty to say how I felt. Instead I ranaway. But I tried what I knew!!! How can you accuse me of something I didn’t have?! It’s not my fault!! And, it’s not your fault. But you need to grow up dad!!! Before everyone leaves! Quick dad! You will break! I can’t watch! Hurry! WAKE UP! Don’t keep sleeping! Don’t keep being blind!!! I came back and I left again! H wants to runaway!!! V- hates it and is waiting to leave. B left, G wants to leave now, Ba wants to die sooner. Mum won't cope. Dad – I hope, I hope, I hope, you find Love within. I hope you heal, I hope you are forever free. I love you. PLEASE dad...
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Please.. is there anything I can do to help heal my home??? thank you so much for reading. Thank you.
LTH