ToBeDetermined
04-10-2011, 02:06 AM
Hi everybody,
This is my first post here and I would like some help, positive, negative, neutral, anything helps.
I am 22, and for the last 10 years I have been searching for God (recently realized it started with 9/11), enlightenment, love, Christ, Nirvana, Heaven, whatever you would like to call it. Well about 2 weeks ago I found It, and It will not leave me until I decide to allow it.
What I would like to tell you is first a brief description of events leading to my reuniting, and then a description of where He took me, how He took me, and what He showed me.
I quit smoking weed soon after the experience, smoked daily since I was about 15. Last Spring I dropped out of engineering at the University of Washington as a Junior, feeling as though the real Me wanted little to do with today's education. I learned a great deal, I simply believed there was some Unified Intelligence which pervaded all equations, all laws, all theories, and that if I found This I would be able to create a perfect life. To be frank, I wasn't enjoying school and so decided to pursue activities that made me happier.
I have delved into the world of psychiatry, didn't find it there. I have played sports all my life, even went to the Little League World Series as a twelve year old. I did not find it there. I have had the best friends and family anyone could ever ask for, yet I still did not find it. I had a girlfriend for 4 years until we broke up almost 2 years ago, and I still love her with all my heart as does she. We have not spoken of it, but I believe we have both been waiting for the right time to give ourselves to each other again. We broke up because I still just couldn't find it, and she became agitated by my seemingly unattainable goal.
About a month ago I realized that it must be up to me and me alone to find what I seeked. I made amends with anybody I thought I had ever wronged, put my friends and family aside, stopped all communications with my ex, and simply removed EVERY component of my life that limited my happiness and love. I gave all my money and silver to friends or the homeless, stopped spending, and started drinking water only. I began to listen to people and things in a different way, as though they were all manifestations of the same thing (God), trying to help me find what I seeked. I lost all track of time, and felt as though I truly were everything everywhere always. I realized that all I want in life is the girl I love, a house and a family. This is the point at which I can say I found God, though such a description does no justice.
I was lying in bed at night, experiencing the strongest feelings of love that I can remember. The feeling reminded me of my early childhood. I consciously surrendered every last atom of my being to the love of God, and I almost exploded with the warmth. Every nerve in my body was alive like never before. I saw my dimly lit room in my vision, and it became a warm, pitch black, alive, and loving cocoon for me. For an indeterminate amount of time I realized that I had traveled to a new place, a place so full of love and comfort that I would never forget it. As my senses acclimated and became more keen, it was quite obvious to me where I was. I was in the womb.
"But who's?" I asked Him. In an instant I was gliding across the Cascades, then over miles and miles of farmland, and then down into a house near the campus that my ex attends. I saw her sitting in her room smiling. She looked down at her stomach and my awareness shifted there too. As though my feelings of warmth love and God had been but a whimper before this, my mind actually did explode this time. Fireworks, that's how I can best explain it, the most magnificent finale you could ever imagine. As this reached a climax everything flashed brighter than a billion suns, and I felt a large part of my consciousness shift into the womb of my ex. It was obvious to me then, that God had just helped me to plant my seed, so to speak. Since this night I have been able to become that living growing thing in the womb, almost as though I am not split into two independent beings. I go there when I am falling asleep, or when I am bored, or when God tells me to. But it didn't end there. I asked God, "What do I need to do?"
What happened next was a blur, though I remember what seems to be the important parts. It began in the hospital, I saw myself watching my girl giving birth, watched the doctor's reaction of shock and alarm, and watched as my child was lifted from the table. He was an alien, nothing before seen or imagined. He was beautiful to me, and I felt like the luckiest man in the world. The scene faded and suddenly I was in the middle of two crowds of screaming people. One side had more fear on their faces than I had ever seen, the other side had more love hope and joy in their faces than I had ever seen. I slowly came to understand that they were debating over the birth of my child, and instead of angering me I became overjoyed with the chaos, and the clear straight path through which I knew my wife child and I would be able to follow from then on. Then I was looking at a photograph of my wife child and I dressed up and posing. Then everything went black except for stars in the sky,, and there was a gigantic green flash and a "CRACK!". It reminded me of the scene in Harry Potter where Voldemort kills Harry's parents with the killing curse.
Then suddenly I was back in my room, everything was as it had been, and I jumped out of bed and paced around for an hour or so trying to remember everything. I have told no one, and since then God has continued to surprise me and show me new things. I wish I could describe the rapid succession of connections and understandings that led to this experience. It was almost as though I was traveling inward on a spiral and as I got closer to the center the truth became more and more obvious, everything is truth. I was able to look at a door and see a dragon if I so desired.
From that day all my relationships have strengthened, and I have more optimism than I could have ever hoped for.
Reactions? Advice? Thoughts? Have a good one.
This is my first post here and I would like some help, positive, negative, neutral, anything helps.
I am 22, and for the last 10 years I have been searching for God (recently realized it started with 9/11), enlightenment, love, Christ, Nirvana, Heaven, whatever you would like to call it. Well about 2 weeks ago I found It, and It will not leave me until I decide to allow it.
What I would like to tell you is first a brief description of events leading to my reuniting, and then a description of where He took me, how He took me, and what He showed me.
I quit smoking weed soon after the experience, smoked daily since I was about 15. Last Spring I dropped out of engineering at the University of Washington as a Junior, feeling as though the real Me wanted little to do with today's education. I learned a great deal, I simply believed there was some Unified Intelligence which pervaded all equations, all laws, all theories, and that if I found This I would be able to create a perfect life. To be frank, I wasn't enjoying school and so decided to pursue activities that made me happier.
I have delved into the world of psychiatry, didn't find it there. I have played sports all my life, even went to the Little League World Series as a twelve year old. I did not find it there. I have had the best friends and family anyone could ever ask for, yet I still did not find it. I had a girlfriend for 4 years until we broke up almost 2 years ago, and I still love her with all my heart as does she. We have not spoken of it, but I believe we have both been waiting for the right time to give ourselves to each other again. We broke up because I still just couldn't find it, and she became agitated by my seemingly unattainable goal.
About a month ago I realized that it must be up to me and me alone to find what I seeked. I made amends with anybody I thought I had ever wronged, put my friends and family aside, stopped all communications with my ex, and simply removed EVERY component of my life that limited my happiness and love. I gave all my money and silver to friends or the homeless, stopped spending, and started drinking water only. I began to listen to people and things in a different way, as though they were all manifestations of the same thing (God), trying to help me find what I seeked. I lost all track of time, and felt as though I truly were everything everywhere always. I realized that all I want in life is the girl I love, a house and a family. This is the point at which I can say I found God, though such a description does no justice.
I was lying in bed at night, experiencing the strongest feelings of love that I can remember. The feeling reminded me of my early childhood. I consciously surrendered every last atom of my being to the love of God, and I almost exploded with the warmth. Every nerve in my body was alive like never before. I saw my dimly lit room in my vision, and it became a warm, pitch black, alive, and loving cocoon for me. For an indeterminate amount of time I realized that I had traveled to a new place, a place so full of love and comfort that I would never forget it. As my senses acclimated and became more keen, it was quite obvious to me where I was. I was in the womb.
"But who's?" I asked Him. In an instant I was gliding across the Cascades, then over miles and miles of farmland, and then down into a house near the campus that my ex attends. I saw her sitting in her room smiling. She looked down at her stomach and my awareness shifted there too. As though my feelings of warmth love and God had been but a whimper before this, my mind actually did explode this time. Fireworks, that's how I can best explain it, the most magnificent finale you could ever imagine. As this reached a climax everything flashed brighter than a billion suns, and I felt a large part of my consciousness shift into the womb of my ex. It was obvious to me then, that God had just helped me to plant my seed, so to speak. Since this night I have been able to become that living growing thing in the womb, almost as though I am not split into two independent beings. I go there when I am falling asleep, or when I am bored, or when God tells me to. But it didn't end there. I asked God, "What do I need to do?"
What happened next was a blur, though I remember what seems to be the important parts. It began in the hospital, I saw myself watching my girl giving birth, watched the doctor's reaction of shock and alarm, and watched as my child was lifted from the table. He was an alien, nothing before seen or imagined. He was beautiful to me, and I felt like the luckiest man in the world. The scene faded and suddenly I was in the middle of two crowds of screaming people. One side had more fear on their faces than I had ever seen, the other side had more love hope and joy in their faces than I had ever seen. I slowly came to understand that they were debating over the birth of my child, and instead of angering me I became overjoyed with the chaos, and the clear straight path through which I knew my wife child and I would be able to follow from then on. Then I was looking at a photograph of my wife child and I dressed up and posing. Then everything went black except for stars in the sky,, and there was a gigantic green flash and a "CRACK!". It reminded me of the scene in Harry Potter where Voldemort kills Harry's parents with the killing curse.
Then suddenly I was back in my room, everything was as it had been, and I jumped out of bed and paced around for an hour or so trying to remember everything. I have told no one, and since then God has continued to surprise me and show me new things. I wish I could describe the rapid succession of connections and understandings that led to this experience. It was almost as though I was traveling inward on a spiral and as I got closer to the center the truth became more and more obvious, everything is truth. I was able to look at a door and see a dragon if I so desired.
From that day all my relationships have strengthened, and I have more optimism than I could have ever hoped for.
Reactions? Advice? Thoughts? Have a good one.