Creativity and solitude

[Emmalevine]

Can one live a creative life when engaged in relationships and activities, or is it necessary to live in solutide? Is there a balance?

As a child growing up in a home deprived of love and attention I turned to writing. I churned out pages upon pages of stories that dealt with emotions and relationships. Looking back now, I have to say my stuff is pretty remarkable for a youngish child (I was ten when I started writing) in the sense of the wisdom and understanding I showed of the beauty of adult connections.

At 18 I stopped writing fiction due to leaving home to go to university and a long spell of intense depression. I did carry on writing but in the form of diaries and journals. I took an English degree but the stories I wrote lacked honesty and heart - I think I tried too hard to prove myself.

After university I married, had a child and simply stopped writing. Part of this was a complete lack of confidence in myself after university, but it was also because I had the relationships and company I craved through my stories. It wasn't a lack of time as many people seem to think, it was purely that the need wasn't there.

My marriage broke down and since then I've realised that I'm still seeking deep, intense connections and nothing seems to satisfy me. I've been in counselling, developed good friendships and while I've grown a long way there is an emptiness. Sure my life is lonely, but it's more than that. Real life relationships are diluting in some ways. I post on internet forums such as this one, and appreciate the connections I've made, but they take something away from my inner self. I feel as though I've spent so much time looking outwards that I've neglected myself. I analyse and intellectualise, but I've not nurtured my creative expression because I'm constantly judging and looking for approval from others instead.

The other part still wants to experience relationships. Yet I miss the all-consuming creativity I once had, and the satisfaction of meeting my needs through my imagination. Does this make sense? Maybe it's time to focus on my thoughts and feelings and needs rather than constantly trying to prove myself to others. The child in me didn't care what people thought, she wrote anyway.

But there's got to be a balance. Hasn't there? Does creativity always mean being alone? Can relationships enrich our inner lives rather than dilute them? Or maybe it's a question of what feels right at certain times in our lives. Maybe I needed to learn how to connect in real life for a time before experiencing a certain degree of solitude once more. Maybe I just need some time out from all this to be by myself and I've over thinking it I guess the bottom line is, I feel I look too much towards others now rather than nurturing myself.

I'd be interested in any thoughts on the relationship between creativity and being alone or having relationships.

[Silver]

I post on internet forums such as this one, and appreciate the connections I've made, but they take something away from my inner self. I feel as though I've spent so much time looking outwards that I've neglected myself. I analyse and intellectualise, but I've not nurtured my creative expression because I'm constantly judging and looking for approval from others instead.



What a deep and interesting personal post, Starbuck. Really nice. I copied this bit and the word 'balance' popped up, then I read more and there it was, you're quite aware of the balance issue.

I've not nurtured my creative expression because I'm constantly judging and looking for approval from others instead

Just sometimes, this nurturing of one's creative expression is in the very experience of interacting with the outside world. Balance of the world outside of us with what is going on within one's psyche, spirit, mind, which would seem to be partly the swirl of all that external stimuli, like pouring cream in your coffee. It doesn't change it without making it 'better'. Although you may like the stark borders, it all depends on an artist's mood, what kind of style they want to express in their art. I hope this is helpful.

:hug3:

[Emmalevine]

Thanks Silvergirl, I'm pleased you found it helpful. Yes that makes sense. I suppose my difficulty is not knowing what is 'normal' as I was such a lonely child and met my own needs. While that was tough, the sense of satisfaction my writing gave me was wonderful in its own right. Growing up and making 'real' connections, both through the internet and IRL, is great, but I do miss the all consuming process of writing. I thnk you're right about balancing the inner and outer worlds, making time for both. I never had that balance, and I think my life has reached that point now.

It was very helpful, thanks. Good to get this stuff out!

[Silver]

I suppose my difficulty is not knowing what is 'normal' as I was such a lonely child and met my own needs. While that was tough, the sense of satisfaction my writing gave me was wonderful in its own right.

In trying to help others, we help ourselves in more ways than one.

What is normal? we often hear. It's the parts of our lives that leave us a little (or a lot) uncomfortable, without going crazy, it's what makes us interesting, makes our efforts, our art remarkable and fascinating. My parental problems as regards my dad, would be that I wished he would've ignored me. Same (parental) problem, yet totally different. I guess this is where that saying comes in "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade." and you did. You 'met' your own needs. The huge step forward for a child, appreciate the positive that came out of the pain, that of being able to exercise your emotions and intellect and becoming a competent, mature individual.