can't take it anymore

[moke64916]

Ever since I was 15 i suffered and suffered. There was a point where I held A Pistol to my head ready to pull the trigger. When will all of this suffering be over. Everytime I get better, something happens. I know what you resist persists. I know. I figured out my spiritual truth. Yet more suffering. I can't take it anymore. It's killing me slowly. I feel happy and jolly in the morning, yet in the evenings I feel fear at it's most intense level. I try and try. I learn and learn. I've learned so much I use it to help others so they don't have to suffer. When is there an end. When ones found Himself spiritually, has felt the bliss, the joy, the peace. how much more suffering must someone endure? If my brain and body is happy part of the day and suffering tremendiously every evening. Every day. For almost 6 years. I've had enough suffering. I can't take it anymore. Maybe my life purpose is complete. But I don't want to live in this body anymore with this suffering. It's not minor suffering. It's fear at it's most intense level. It's the worst feeling anyone ever have to endure. My whole body feels horrible. I just got done crying. But I choose to depart from this body pretty soon. If this suffering keeps persisting, then I'm done with it. I've learned a lot. I just can't take it anymore. Everyday for almost 6 years. It really beats you down. I try to keep a smile and stay positive. In the past 8 months there has been two full weeks of feeling stable. That's it. I feel normal in the mornings and fear at an intense level in the evenings. That's not a life I want or choose to live. I'm going to be 22 in August. I'm just can not grasp the idea of ANY more pain. I used to have PTSD from a childhood experience. I used to have Sever Anxiety, Depression, Tourettes. I've had more experience on the suffering side than any full grown man I know. And the joyful side. It's like the ying yang. I really look at it all now. I suffered bad today. I'm wondering now if it will ever end. But I'll tell you this, I'm not waiting any longer than another 6 months. If it persists. Then By By goes Moke. I just can't take it anymore. All what I do is put good out in this world. In return a recieve a free computer and suffering. I always suffer. It's like once I've learned how to get past a problem, there goes my 4 stable days. Then a new or same old old patterns repeat. I get intrusive thoughts and it drives me nuts. I want to return to my maker. I surrender. It works, then something else happens. It's a repetitive pattern. And I don't know how to stop it. I even surrender yet I still have that very uncomfortable feeling in my body. The most negative feeling I've ever felt. So it's not true peace. I Take my Anxiety medication which helps, but not enough. I take my heart medication which makes the fight or flight responce go away. It still persists. I just want to know when it all ends. I do surrender. I have OCD. Somehow someway once I'm already past a subconscious block it somehow appears again. I've been a trooper. All I've been through in the past 6 months 8 months. I just need some hope. I am so desperate to feel better in the evenings. I just fear that during the midst of it, one day I make that decision that I can't take it anymore and I take my heart medication to end it all. I've been to hell and back several times. I do all I can. I keep a positive attitude. I try everything. I can't take it anymore. Someone help please.

[Silver]

I'm really really sorry you feel this way moke. I have a son who may have committed suicide although the official thing is accidental plus some other medical issues all contributing. I can only ask, off the bat, if you've shared these feelings with the professional who has prescribed your anxiety and other meds. We've had quite a few members of this forum who have felt like they're at the end of their ropes, so all I can say is you're not alone in these feelings. And I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, ok? I don't know what alternative docs do for people with the mood swings etc. you seem to be experiencing. Have you tried alternative docs or done any research about alternatives?

[Tabitha]

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this pain, Moke. Never forget that you are worthy and loved - people care about you, even if they can't understand what you are going through. I hope I don't sound trite saying that - I really do mean it.

I second Silvergirl's advice about your medication. Also, are you alone in the evenings? If you are feeling so unsettled and anxious, could you try listening to music - whatever calms, relaxes, uplifts you, whatever? The right music can be incredibly therapeutic. I put my earphones on and lose myself in it when I need to - just forget about everything. I once had to have surgery on my ankle after breaking it - the surgeon drilled into the bones and fixed a metal plate and screws into them. I was numbed from waist down; and usually they give sedation to keep you calm, but I took my MP3 player into the theatre instead and listened to my favourite music instead. I didn't need any sedative, although it was available. I mean, that's how powerful music can be.

You deserve to feel happy just the same as anybody else. Whatever it takes to rid you of these awful thoughts and feelings, is okay. I can read in your post that you're finding it very hard to overcome this just now, but please keep at it - speak to your therapist; don't let go of it until your healthcare team find the right regime to help you. You're entitled to feel "normal", or "right".

Please take care, and keep posting. :hug2:

[gentledove]

Yes, I second everything that Tabitha and Silvergirl have said.

I just want to know when it all ends. I do surrender. I have OCD. Somehow someway once I'm already past a subconscious block it somehow appears again. I've been a trooper. All I've been through in the past 6 months 8 months. I just need some hope. I am so desperate to feel better in the evenings. I just fear that during the midst of it, one day I make that decision that I can't take it anymore and I take my heart medication to end it all. I've been to hell and back several times. I do all I can. I keep a positive attitude. I try everything. I can't take it anymore. Someone help please.

Please know that the greatest challenges are given to those whose spirit can cope with them. You don't know yet why you're suffering, but you may realize that your suffering was necessary and noble (please believe me!). I know it feels like you can't endure another night, but you can.

I felt the way you do as I was delivering each baby...I thought to myself "I can't, I just can't!", but as it turned out, I could, and so can you!

You have so much wisdom to offer, I've read some of your contributions and gained much from them, so thanks!:hug3:

You're only 22, with so much life ahead of you. I've seen people overcome OCD as they've gotten older (these are people I've known personally, not just heard of), so please keep that in mind when you feel like your compulsions are disabling.

Also, I would continue to seek to find that person/persons who can touch and heal your heart.

I spent hours with someone recently and though I wanted so much to help her, I could not...I learned a month or so later that she found someone who could help her. My gratitude to that person is endless.........http://images.paraorkut.com/img/emoticons/images/h/heart_beat-467.gif

So, whatever you do, don't give up and know that there are people who care deeply about you!

[Spiritlite]

Moke I don't know what to say although I understand your fear. I had it badly years ago I would have the opposite where I would wake up in total fear, sweating, crying, heart pounding and I would loose jobs because I couldn't find the courage to go to work. As I've grown older, and have learnt how to try to deal with it on my own (and with the help of medications which I don't like to admit but they do help me), I've grown "accustomed" to it in a way. Yes I still get depressed and full of fear at times but I now am older, and know how to handle it. I'm 36 and when I started with this fear I was 22. It has taken years and I don't want to sound glib but you have to figure out a way to handle this and I know you will. I know you will find a way. You yourself said anything in pain is energy stuck, and so is there a way you can move that energy within you? I feel you're so full of energy and that you're such an empath that you take on a lot of other's energy. Is there a way you can do something that will help move the energy in your body such as Chi or Yoga? I was practicing Chi (I think it's call Chi) and I noticed such a difference in my anxiety level.
I'm with you, I know how you feel.
xoxo
Spiritlite.

[moke64916]

I'm sorry about posting this thread. I learned something new for the rest of you that suffer, that can bring you peace during the midst of it. Know it will pass. It always does. Now I think I've learned how to find peace during these episodes. So that's what I've learned that is new based on yesterdays experience to help others. I wrote this thread in the midst of it. Not like me. Everyone goes through there ups and downs, the key is to learn how to find peace during it. I think I've found it. Plus My neighbor is a Doctor, Physicist and Chemist. I Live in Texas, and the medications I take are only mean't for a max heat around 86 degrees. It's been above a 100 degrees during the day. The medications prevent my body from cooling down. So I was overheated and my body wasn't naturally cooling down. It explains everything. Thats why I feel at my best until around 3 o clock. It gets hotter in the afternoon. I've also learned that sometimes based on how you feel. You should take a logical approach to finding a solution. For me the problem is physiological. It was out of my control. My body temp is too high and not cooling down. Which will cause a false fear response. Let me tell everyone this. For every resistance of the mind there is negativity, yet everyone needs a certain amount of resistance to grow mentally. That's why I say use positive and negative experiences to your advantage. You'll always grow stronger once your past your down periods. I thank you for your guys help. I feel fine now. All the symptoms I feel are a physiological response. I'm not resisting anything. It's out of my control. Knowing that. I can find peace during an episode. Sometimes the helpers are the ones that go through hard times to gain experience to help others. I love you all. Thank you. :hug3: :hug3: :angel8: :angel8:

[chinu]

Ever since I was 15 i suffered and suffered. There was a point where I held A Pistol to my head ready to pull the trigger. When will all of this suffering be over. Everytime I get better, something happens. I know what you resist persists. I know. I figured out my spiritual truth. Yet more suffering. I can't take it anymore. It's killing me slowly. I feel happy and jolly in the morning, yet in the evenings I feel fear at it's most intense level. I try and try. I learn and learn. I've learned so much I use it to help others so they don't have to suffer. When is there an end. When ones found Himself spiritually, has felt the bliss, the joy, the peace. how much more suffering must someone endure? If my brain and body is happy part of the day and suffering tremendiously every evening. Every day. For almost 6 years. I've had enough suffering. I can't take it anymore. Maybe my life purpose is complete. But I don't want to live in this body anymore with this suffering. It's not minor suffering. It's fear at it's most intense level. It's the worst feeling anyone ever have to endure. My whole body feels horrible. I just got done crying. But I choose to depart from this body pretty soon. If this suffering keeps persisting, then I'm done with it. I've learned a lot. I just can't take it anymore. Everyday for almost 6 years. It really beats you down. I try to keep a smile and stay positive. In the past 8 months there has been two full weeks of feeling stable. That's it. I feel normal in the mornings and fear at an intense level in the evenings. That's not a life I want or choose to live. I'm going to be 22 in August. I'm just can not grasp the idea of ANY more pain. I used to have PTSD from a childhood experience. I used to have Sever Anxiety, Depression, Tourettes. I've had more experience on the suffering side than any full grown man I know. And the joyful side. It's like the ying yang. I really look at it all now. I suffered bad today. I'm wondering now if it will ever end. But I'll tell you this, I'm not waiting any longer than another 6 months. If it persists. Then By By goes Moke. I just can't take it anymore. All what I do is put good out in this world. In return a recieve a free computer and suffering. I always suffer. It's like once I've learned how to get past a problem, there goes my 4 stable days. Then a new or same old old patterns repeat. I get intrusive thoughts and it drives me nuts. I want to return to my maker. I surrender. It works, then something else happens. It's a repetitive pattern. And I don't know how to stop it. I even surrender yet I still have that very uncomfortable feeling in my body. The most negative feeling I've ever felt. So it's not true peace. I Take my Anxiety medication which helps, but not enough. I take my heart medication which makes the fight or flight responce go away. It still persists. I just want to know when it all ends. I do surrender. I have OCD. Somehow someway once I'm already past a subconscious block it somehow appears again. I've been a trooper. All I've been through in the past 6 months 8 months. I just need some hope. I am so desperate to feel better in the evenings. I just fear that during the midst of it, one day I make that decision that I can't take it anymore and I take my heart medication to end it all. I've been to hell and back several times. I do all I can. I keep a positive attitude. I try everything. I can't take it anymore. Someone help please.

:smile: Do ... prayers everytime.

You are a valuable person and very important for ME.

_/\_
Chinu

[Tabitha]

Hi Moke,

I'm so glad you're feeling more cheerful and in control now, and are working out a solution. Excessive heat can make anybody feel flustered and fretful, never mind having the exacerbating effect of medication on top of that. I take it you have fans going in the room when it's as hot as this, if not air conditioning? Also, keep a flannel soaked in cold tap/faucet water to hand to mop yourself with. Another great tip - it really works - is to hold your inner wrists under cold running tap/faucet water for a few minutes - it really does cool your blood as it flows, and so makes you feel cooler all over. Obviously you don't want to be standing at the sink or washbasin all day, just when you start to feel really overcome with the heat.

Look after yourself. :hug2:

[jackie-b]

Hello moke...we haven't spoken before but I'm avidly reading all your posts, which are really helpful and encouraging. It can be a difficult path for all of us at times, I know it is for me. As you have said, all things pass, and this is so true. I've been feeling a bit fragile for a few days and, this morning I randomly opened up my copy of I Am That (Nisargadatta) and found this:

"Do understand that you are destined for enlightenment...allow it to fulfil itself"

With love

[psychoslice]

Hi Moke, is there any way that you can take you medication later in the day so that when it kicks in it will be cooler for you, just a thought.:smile:

[moke64916]

I take 3 different medications that are only mean't for heat up to 86. 3 of my medications in heat make it impossible to regulate body heat. In the heat I don't cool down fast enough. My neighbor which is a doctor said to cool down. I should put ice on my stomach where the arteries are or my neck. My goal is to get off a lot of the medication. But I think why I suffered so much as a teenager. Is because when I turned 15 they switched my medications for the first time since I was 5. I lost a sense of self as in personality. I was a very outgoing person, then I became quiet and anxiety ridden. My brain developed as a child on 6 different medications. I matured with the same medications in me. So when they switched medications when I was 15 is when things went south word. I am now back to my normal self for the most part. It's taken almost 6 years for my brain to heal. I'm still in the healing process. Thank you you guys. I'm actually grateful for the hard times because there is so much to be learned from. And you'll be a stronger person mentally once your past it.

[Spiritlite]

((((((((((((((((Moke)))))))))))))))))))) all I can do is send you a hug, I truly deeply feel your pain.
Spiritlite.

[Racer X]

Take care of the body and the mind follows.....

Take care of the mind and the body follows.....

You have a deep inner pain and you are not alone in that......

The Anxiety is not from the heat but is intensified by it~

You have tried every way except ONE that is why you fail~

When will you find the bliss?

The moment you are ready for it and choose to~

The ONE way you have not searched is STRAIGHT THROUGH your Pain~!

The Pain is the Alchemists LEAD which is needed to make his GOLD~!

"The Book Of Alchemy by Francis Melville"

No Lead-No GOLD.........Know Lead-Know GOLD~!

[Spiritlite]

Love it RacerX thanks for that.
Spiritlite.

[OneMedicineMan TwoSpirits]

I can relate, you may be spirtually sensitive, depends on your nationality, I wen through alot of simular problems but that was before i knew both of my parents were medicine people. We carry hereditary gifts, my grandmother is mentally unbalanced because she has wrong beliefs mixed with her gifts and my grandfather on my father's side pasted years ago. He had aids, and even though he was a medicine man im guessing he didn't know how to treat the body when it is under a viral attack. I can help you, but you will have to open up to me and talk to me a bit if you feel comfortable. The only reason why im online and not outside talking to plants and animals and my dragonfly friends who watch over my garden is because i want to reach out and help those who seek it. My email is [email protected] and if your curious about anything just please come and ask.


all the best wishes,

EagleMedicine~

[Spiritlite]

Moke how are you doing?
Spiritlite

[zipzip]

Hey Moke,

I've just read this post. I am truly sorry you are feeling this way.

I just wanted to see how you are today?

zipzip:hug3:

[iolite]

I take 3 different medications that are only mean't for heat up to 86. 3 of my medications in heat make it impossible to regulate body heat. In the heat I don't cool down fast enough. My neighbor which is a doctor said to cool down. I should put ice on my stomach where the arteries are or my neck. My goal is to get off a lot of the medication. But I think why I suffered so much as a teenager. Is because when I turned 15 they switched my medications for the first time since I was 5. I lost a sense of self as in personality. I was a very outgoing person, then I became quiet and anxiety ridden. My brain developed as a child on 6 different medications. I matured with the same medications in me. So when they switched medications when I was 15 is when things went south word. I am now back to my normal self for the most part. It's taken almost 6 years for my brain to heal. I'm still in the healing process. Thank you you guys. I'm actually grateful for the hard times because there is so much to be learned from. And you'll be a stronger person mentally once your past it.

Moke..

For every medicine a doctor prescribes there are probably 2-3 alternative drugs for the same thing. Take your treatment in your own hands and use the power of the 'net to find those alternatives. There are also generally over the counter supplements or herbs that will work just as well. For instance: instead of dangerous statins to lower cholesterol, you could use policosanol, red yeast rice or no-flush niacin: niacinamide. Alternatives exist and probably ones with less side effects.

Hugs...

[mattie]

You mention surrender several times. While this is a popular term w/ some, I’m not really keen on it for multiple reasons.

Try moving from the passive position of surrendering to taking charge of your energies. This is a learned skill. Many who have been in the same position as you or worse have done so. You CAN DO this too.

Address each & every thought & emotion that isn’t useful. Halt them & consider if this is really something you wish to generate. If not, send it packing & gently remind self that others have done this & so can you. Resist the urge to catalogue every negative event as this often seems to give a history that we can look at as insurmountable. Instead, catalogue how many times you’ve actively been in charge of your emotions & thoughts.

Have you been evaluated for being bi-polar? This usually doesn’t emerge until the late teens or early adulthood.

There are some really excellent supplement neurotransmitters such as 5-HTP, PharmaGABA, SAM-E, & L’ Theanine. These probably shouldn’t be taken w/ any prescription meds as they can interfere w/ the action of them. There are supplement/med interaction charts on the Internet. L’ Theanine, the calming portion of green tea can help take the edge off of anxiety & fear. 5-HTP raises seratonin levels. PharmaGABA raises alpha levels. SAM-E helps stabilize brain chemistry. I knew someone w/ a serious anxiety disorder who got off Paxil w/ these & tapered off the supplements in another year.
This isn’t medical advice or a diagnosis.

EFT, a powerful energy medicine technique might be useful for the OCD & other issues.

Actively reach out to the energies of others all around this planet when you need help energetically. They are there for you 24/7. You will learn to make use of their energy gift to help you establish your own abilities to manage this situation. You have a large spiritual team that is there to help, but you have to ask.

I can’t emphasize enough that OTHERS HAVE SUCCESSFULLY DEALT WITH THIS & SO CAN YOU.

[Spiritlite]

I feel bipolar may be a good thing to be looked at. I do take meds, however, I'm slowly cutting down, I've cut down fifty percent of the two meds I take and substitute with herbal therapies that I did loads of research on. However, meds aren't all bad and for people who have really bad issues I see no issue with medications.
Spiritlite.

[Divajules]

Hey Moke,
I am so sorry for all your pain. You have helped me and I know you are a good soul. If there is anything I can do, I am there/here.

Sending you love...I know I can do that much. My husband continues to improve and I know you had something to do with it. You will be cared for too. Keep the faith as you have instructed us to do.

I know it is hard but we both have to, now don't we?

Hang in there and know that you are loved - by me, my husband and obviously by many others on this forum.

Take care of yourself. You are a special person who deserves the best. :hug3:

[Spiritlite]

Moke is a special person and deserves the best.
Spiritlite.

[Blanket]

Hey Moke, I'm going to be honest ... I don't think I can help you but I can tell you that I sympathize intensely and greatly with you. You sound just like me. What you described is almost just the way I feel on a daily basis as well. I'm sorry you feel so much pain. I really am. I wish I could find a way to send you all the love in the world! I hope in some kind of way, God can send you all my love. I don't think it will be enough ... but I just want you to know that you are not alone in how you feel. You are NOT. I feel just like you on a daily basis as well ... I have done things to harm myself in different ways ... but am too much of a coward to really take that leap into the unknown..

Just know that there are people in this world who do care so much about you and they would be so heartbroken if you departed this Earth. You are probably such a beautiful soul ... and the world needs more of that . More of that spiritual beauty. More of that blunt honesty that you portrayed so well on here. I know the pain is overtaking you ... I know. I feel just like you ... but you must keep going on. You MUST. I'm sure that there are beautiful things awaiting you in your future ... but you will never know what they are if you leave this Earth. You will never know all of what life has for you if you leave and take that leap into the unknown. You should stay and fight the good fight . fight the forces of negativity and prove that you are stronger and much more powerful . Stay and share the love from within your beautiful spirit to the rest of the world. Show the negative forces of this world that they are WRONG. Show everyone..
..And it's not even about all that . What it's mostly about is YOU. Don't let the evil forces in this world bring you all the way down. We all trip and sometimes even fall but never stay down. Know in your heart that the pain and suffering that you unfairly endured is only temporary. I know it feels like a repeating cycle ... the pain first then the joy ... then the pain again. I know exactly what you mean because my life is the same way . But I am nothing. I have no purpose in this world and I lack ambition greatly ... but I think YOU can pull through.........you can..

All my love is with and sincerely to you. I hope you feel better soon...you can pm me if you want but you don't have to. I just wish you the absolute best and all of my love and tenderness is with you. <3

[Sapphirez]

have you tried eft? was it after this last episode of badness that you learned how strong your healing powers are?

[astralsuzy]

I am sorry to hear of your pain. I am sure the other people have good advice for you. I do not have time to read it. I would advise you if you have not done it already and that is GET RID OF THE GUN. It is too easy when you are in a down mood and to be thinking of the gun. I will shoot myself. In Australia it is a lot hard to own a gun and not many people have guns.

[Bev]

Moke, thank you for sharing your inner most feelings.Please never apologised for telling us how your feeling at given times.I felt your pain reading your story and part of me just wanted to let you know that you are loved by many.I cannot begin to understand the depth of despair that you feel at times.I hope that you continue to find answers to the questions you are asking.
When my world fell apart a friend said to me:mate i love ya and respect ya but what the hell are ya doing licking ya wounds when ya could be out here having fun.......That sentence was the turning point of me getting better.
I hope you too find something to help...good luck

[miss.hawaiki]

Hi Moke...

I have felt like you before. I use to cut myself to "numb" the pain of how I was feeling as a very young teenager (now 21), I use to make myself throw up and only stopped recently (I have been bulimic for about 7 years now) I use to be anorexic which drove me to the edge then became over weight which put me into a depression, at one stage I didn't leave the house for 3 weeks, I didn't want to go to work because I never felt confident or good enough because I let those around me dictate my experience of feeling un worthy from all the judgment and put downs and them thinking I am crazy for the things I believed and much more. I became diagnosed with anxiety and have had many medical problems....

What I have come to understand is this. Take a moment, to sit by yourself and allow everything that depresses you, holds you back, puts you in fear or darkness and more and allow all of those things to arise to the surface. Then in that instant, fully immerse yourself in them and feel them, cry if you must, let it all out, scream, then open your eyes, look at yourself in the mirror and realize the little child inside of you who is hurting and needs to be nurtured. Just think, if you were to go back in time as you are now and see yourself as a baby in it's cot looking up at the ceiling, so innocent, so fragile, so un touched, so happy, how would you feel? I know I always feel like I want to protect that baby, love it, nurture it and I would tell it that it was the most amazing being in this entire universe and that it can do and be ANYTHING and that I loved it and would protect it as if it were my own for the rest of my life!

This is what has helped me to release SO much. When you can face those things that have put you in a dark place, fully feel them and then release them and take a good look at your inner self, I believe that is when healing can be done. There are still going to be dark days but remember this, in everything there is a lesson to be learned and a gift to be found out of each which is something I have come to learn as well...For example, along with my life's purpose, I have learnt that if it wasn't for me going through these things and so many different levels of emotion and experience that I wouldn't be able to understand people and now, I feel like I can uplift and give advice and guidance to SO many people because I have been there and felt and done that and that is something so special. There are so many others out there hurting like you, we all are and if we could only see that we are no different in those ways and can find the gift of helping others through out struggles by connecting with them and showing them that they can rise like you can this world would be such a different place and in healing others you'll find you heal yourself as well. I hope this has helped and if you feel none of this has resonated with you that is fine also :)

I truly send my love and understanding and deep compassion to you but I know that if you can face these things, learn and release them that you are going to be such a bright beacon of hope and change in this world and a light to help guide humanity out of the things that DO NOT work ♥

[miss.hawaiki]

Also, try and focus on the things that ARE going right even in the tiniest of ways. Get out amongst nature, feel the sunlight, really feel it's warmth and know that is source energy, love. The sun is such an amazing generator and you'll be surprised at how you feel. When you feel that things are getting too much, what I like to do is, go for a run, sing, write poetry, watch some cartoons or something I can remember that made me happy from my childhood and then once I'm past it all, I just take a moment of peace and smile :) then find what I have learnt from that and take it on board and know I can help serve humanity in some way and that makes me feel even happier :)...Also, the heart pulpitations, I totally understand what you mean and that took me 2 years to get over...When I do feel them which I don't anymore but when I do, I personally always make a joke to myself and say "Oh gosh here goes my silly heart" and laugh :)It works