Caring too much

[Emmalevine]

Earlier today I had to ring a carer who has my disabled son after school once a week to let her know my son was going to his dad's that evening now. This is basically due to my health poblems and has been talked about for a while.

The carer was clearly very disappointed and I suspected she was close to tears on the phone but she was understanding. She has had my son for about 2 years. I came off the phone after speaking to her and started sobbing uncontrollably through sheer empathy. I'm still crying now. I feel absolutely awful for her...so awful that it feels totally unbearable.

I spoke to someone afterwards (still sobbing down the phone) who said I need to draw boundaries and limits as I'm clearly taking too much responsibility for this person, way more than is reasonable. She also said it would not help my energy levels.

Am I taking too much resposibility? I thought I just care too much. It is common to have this sort of reaction or is it extreme?

It hurts me to have it...but I can't imagine just giving someone news like that dispassionately. I feel utterly awful :icon_frown:

[Medium_Laura]

It's normal to feel bad but yes, you have empathy which most of us who are sensitive have. You take on other's emotions as your own. Boundaries are very important when you have empathy. I have another post on here that may help you set your boundaries. (darned if I can find it right now though.) It's an article I wrote about empathy.

[unus supra]

I think that someone had sound advice. Caring is beautiful, and it speaks to what we are, but we need a measure of detachment, otherwise someone elses woes will tear us down. Each of us has our own story, each has our own pain. We need to be sure that when we care for someone and feel for them we do so in a manner that does not hurt us as much or more than them.
As crazy as it might sound this whole thing is built from a perfect love, an infinitely powerful love. We need to make sure we mirror that strength in ourselves.

This is the price of an open heart.

[zipzip]

you are a very caring person and that is wonderful.

Sometimes I found myself trying to solve the other person issues and they aren't doing much about it. That is when I realized that I have taken on their issues when all they probably needed was just a sounding board.

That is where I think over time, I have learned to not take on so much and just be there when they wanted, but not taken on their stuff.

zipzip

[daisy]

I think you are extremely lucky to have had a carer for your son that you clearly care deeply about, as the others say you have a deep empathy and this is not a bad thing, but such instances can make you feel awful.

Perhaps you could pop round and see this carer occasionally with your son or at least keep in touch now and again by post or phone, make the break for both more gentle?

[Xan]

Starbuck... It may be that your empathy for the carer opened a flood of other emotions that needed to be cried out.

When we get overwhelmed by emotions, our own or others', it's most helpful to get into breathing with whatever we feel...

Breathe down in your belly and allow the emotional energy just to flow on through... and let go within.


Xan

[Emmalevine]

Thanks all of you I appreciate the responses.

I've got a splitting headache today after all the crying so that's not good. Yes I do need to think about boundaries and will read the thread on empaths, although at the moment I find it difficiult to imagine ways of detaching. I've always been very sensitive to the feelings of others and strangely I find it much easier to feel theirs than I do my own. It's hard caring so much...just couldn't stop crying last night until eventually I fell asleep exhausted. Like you say Xan maybe it was everything coming out.

[GentleStrength]

One other thing that may help is to express just how much you appreciated her and what she did for you and your son as well as offering to write a letter of reference and be a referral for them if they were to need one. These can be positive ways to channel your empathy for her and help her feel appreciated and find others to care for as well.

Just a thought...

Love and Light

[NightSpirit]

deleted because it was all wrong.

Cheers

[Emmalevine]

Gentlestrength - thanks, that's a lovely idea.

Night spirit - gosh no, this has nothing to do with my ex! I broke up with him years ago and there is no bad feeling, he is happy with his partner and I'm thrilled that they can take care of our son. Please don't make assumptions like that - I know you mean well - but I find it offensive. The carer hasn't done anything wrong - she didn't cry on the phone or anything like that, she was quietly understanding. It's me that reacted to how I sensed she was feeling. As for my crying, a lot of it was about the carer, strange as that may sound. As a child I would cry when I saw other children hurt or in pain.

[NightSpirit]

Starbuck

I totally apologise and I was not on target at all, so I purposely deleted my post, as its way off the mark and not relevant. Apologies and as I said, its difficult to comment on anothers OP without knowing all the facts. One can only try to read between the lines.

Cheers

[Emmalevine]

Thanks Nightspirit. I appreciate the apology and you deleting the post.