jjj
14-05-2011, 02:25 PM
I guess this belongs here. It's more body/ mind focused and really just has to do with deprogramming the self-destructive messages that our subconscious has accepted. This is just sort of a personal account and where I am now. I've healed so much stuff that has kept me clouded and suppressed... but this thing hangs stubbornly on (or did) :). It is an on-going battle (copied from my journal... there are lot of errors. :p
Maybe a couple of months ago I was under a lot of stress with school, work, sick kids, etc. I was eating whatever I could grab quickly (not usually good). I stopped at Wal-Mart to take my blood pressure because it had slowly been creeping up... it was 151/100! Holy Moly.... it's time to stop this. Shortly after that, my boss offered me a different position at work that is not nearly as stressful, I started taking "Alive" vitamins with a high dose of B vitamins. My blood pressure began to decrease but still hovered on the pre-hypertension/ stage I hypertension range.
Somewhere around 2-3 weeks ago, I started taking care of myself as far as diet is considered. I dropped the loads of sugar that I was eating every day and cut back to one cup of coffee in the morning (I do still drink one at work sometimes and a bit more on the weekends). I also stopped eating as much white bread, pasta, etc. I took my BP yesterday and it was 119/75!!!!! Yeah!!!!
On my dad's side: My grandfather passed of a heart attack at 55, my aunt passed of a heart attack several months ago at 61, and my uncle had a heart attack last week but is doing alright now. My sister also has a heart condition. It started to sink in really deeply that what I do now is going to have drastic effects upon the quality and quantity of my life! In need of a life-style change!
The problem is that, I have gone on so many 'diets' in the past and it has been under the influence of really dysfunctional thinking/ living. It had to do with shame of my body and perfectionism around my body. It had to do with looking into the mirror and seeing all of the things that I hated. I habitually become obsessed with the scale. I weigh myself everyday and most times that I go into the bathroom. I was finding myself stepping onto the scale when I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom! Wait a minute! Something is not right here! So, I put the scale up in the other room where it would not be readily accessible. I still have a very inaccurate scale in the bathroom... not digital and old as the hills.
The other day, because I had noticed (which means I've been looking) that the old scale isn't showing any improvement, I got my digital scale back down... only to find that it is broken. When I didn't find one right away in the store, I decided that maybe my guides were telling me something. If my goal is to have better health, then why do I need a scale? It's a life-style change. So, my challenge is to love my body rather than loathing it. If I love my body, I want to be healthy stuff into it and I am not punishing myself and 'keeping myself in line' and worrying about the size of my body rather than the health of my body.
So anyway, the battle is on in my mind. I have to keep reminding myself that I love myself. To be honest, some validation from my husband would be good but I know that it really has to come from within. Still though, I need to talk to him about it because I feel bad thinking that maybe he's not attracted to me. I also remember telling him when we got together to never let me get fat. LOL... like he has control over that. I've had such a horrible self-image and I think that the only thing that the time that I started to feel wanted was about sex and physical stuff. Not to mention all of the earlier dysfunction. Even if it weren't for that. We are so bombarded by body-image propaganda, especially as women. It brain-washes both sexes. Of course it is not healthy to be obese but we are actually programming eating disorder such as anorexia, bulimia, and compulsive/ addictive eating (bingo). And all of the readily available crapola to put into your body... the world is set up to make us unhealthy.
Anyway, ranting aside. Now I have to send my body loving messages. I have to convince my subconscious mind that we are healthy and fit... if I move my body to that sound then the habit will be quicker. No more scale for me. It is counter-productive. My blood pressure is down. That is a definitive sign that I am becoming healthier. I also have a little more energy.
I'm going to try a green smoothie this morning. :)
(btw... the green smoothie was really good!)
Maybe a couple of months ago I was under a lot of stress with school, work, sick kids, etc. I was eating whatever I could grab quickly (not usually good). I stopped at Wal-Mart to take my blood pressure because it had slowly been creeping up... it was 151/100! Holy Moly.... it's time to stop this. Shortly after that, my boss offered me a different position at work that is not nearly as stressful, I started taking "Alive" vitamins with a high dose of B vitamins. My blood pressure began to decrease but still hovered on the pre-hypertension/ stage I hypertension range.
Somewhere around 2-3 weeks ago, I started taking care of myself as far as diet is considered. I dropped the loads of sugar that I was eating every day and cut back to one cup of coffee in the morning (I do still drink one at work sometimes and a bit more on the weekends). I also stopped eating as much white bread, pasta, etc. I took my BP yesterday and it was 119/75!!!!! Yeah!!!!
On my dad's side: My grandfather passed of a heart attack at 55, my aunt passed of a heart attack several months ago at 61, and my uncle had a heart attack last week but is doing alright now. My sister also has a heart condition. It started to sink in really deeply that what I do now is going to have drastic effects upon the quality and quantity of my life! In need of a life-style change!
The problem is that, I have gone on so many 'diets' in the past and it has been under the influence of really dysfunctional thinking/ living. It had to do with shame of my body and perfectionism around my body. It had to do with looking into the mirror and seeing all of the things that I hated. I habitually become obsessed with the scale. I weigh myself everyday and most times that I go into the bathroom. I was finding myself stepping onto the scale when I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom! Wait a minute! Something is not right here! So, I put the scale up in the other room where it would not be readily accessible. I still have a very inaccurate scale in the bathroom... not digital and old as the hills.
The other day, because I had noticed (which means I've been looking) that the old scale isn't showing any improvement, I got my digital scale back down... only to find that it is broken. When I didn't find one right away in the store, I decided that maybe my guides were telling me something. If my goal is to have better health, then why do I need a scale? It's a life-style change. So, my challenge is to love my body rather than loathing it. If I love my body, I want to be healthy stuff into it and I am not punishing myself and 'keeping myself in line' and worrying about the size of my body rather than the health of my body.
So anyway, the battle is on in my mind. I have to keep reminding myself that I love myself. To be honest, some validation from my husband would be good but I know that it really has to come from within. Still though, I need to talk to him about it because I feel bad thinking that maybe he's not attracted to me. I also remember telling him when we got together to never let me get fat. LOL... like he has control over that. I've had such a horrible self-image and I think that the only thing that the time that I started to feel wanted was about sex and physical stuff. Not to mention all of the earlier dysfunction. Even if it weren't for that. We are so bombarded by body-image propaganda, especially as women. It brain-washes both sexes. Of course it is not healthy to be obese but we are actually programming eating disorder such as anorexia, bulimia, and compulsive/ addictive eating (bingo). And all of the readily available crapola to put into your body... the world is set up to make us unhealthy.
Anyway, ranting aside. Now I have to send my body loving messages. I have to convince my subconscious mind that we are healthy and fit... if I move my body to that sound then the habit will be quicker. No more scale for me. It is counter-productive. My blood pressure is down. That is a definitive sign that I am becoming healthier. I also have a little more energy.
I'm going to try a green smoothie this morning. :)
(btw... the green smoothie was really good!)