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Alex-The-Iceman
19-04-2011, 11:20 PM
I've been having some issues with my best friend for a while now and I don't know what to do anymore. It's as if he does a bunch of things subconciously that he is completely unaware of. I know that we all do this to a certain degree, including myself, but in his case it seems like he does it ALOT and with really drastic things. Let me give you an example. Just for reference, we're both 19 year old males.

Me, him, and two girls were hanging out one night. I had interest in one of the girls, who I could also obviously tell was interested in me as well. We all stood against the car so that someone could take a picture of us all together, and I was standing right beside the girl and guess what; my best friend barges in between us (literally barges between us) and stands between us for the picture. Later on that night, we were all walking down the sidewalk and he puts his arms around both of the girls and walks a little ahead of me. Another example is me, him, and some friends were hanging out, and we all wanted to go to a movie which he didn't want to see. So after we had come to the conclusion that we'd so see something else I asked him "are you SUUURE you don't wanna see the movie?" and he got very mad and said "when I say no, it's a no" as if he was my mom or something. It turned into a bit of a verbal confrontation, and the next day he brought it up again (even though I had let it go) to prove that he was 'in the right' as he said. It really hurt me that he would do that, even though I know it's part of some problem he has. I know him VERY well and he is an extremely caring and nice, and he gets VERY sad when I tell him one of the things he did and he'll go out of his way to make it up to me. I really do love the guy.

Now keep in mind, I have done some SERIOUS self-reflection in light of the things about him that bug me. Through doing that, I did find some flaws and insecurities within myself that I was projecting onto him and by acknowledging that I was able to move past them. For example, I was at one point jealous of the fact that he is more charismatic and outgoing than me, and I was projecting my own insecurtiy about that onto him, as well as a few other things which I will keep to myself.

When he's under the influence of certain substances, he starts to realize the problem that he has, and I strongly encourage him to follow that. But when he comes out of it, it's like he brushes it off.

If it were anybody else, I would not hang around with him anymore. But I KNOW that deep down he is a great guy, probably the most caring person I know. It just seems like his kindness is getting covered in something else. But I don't know what that is. Please help!

unus supra
19-04-2011, 11:34 PM
i feel you buddy, i had a similar incident withe one of my closest friends. The best thing i can suggest is keep doing what your doing. You seem to be handling it skillfully. Especially when you take time to review yourself in an honest light. this is immensely valuable.

To notice a problem can be tricky, but changing it is a whole different monster.
just do what you do, and give him the space to learn for himself. Pouring wisdom on him will likely lead to defensiveness, so just let it happen.

And sometimes, to seem barbaric, amongst best friends, sometimes you need to throw down.

We are animals and we are natural, if thats whats needed, its alright. Many of my friendships with my male friends were made that much stronger when we divorced ourselves from the conceptual tit for tat and made it physical.

i dont suggest that, but if circumstances dictate, its more natural than some would like to admit.

hope that helps

kavon

Alex-The-Iceman
19-04-2011, 11:39 PM
To notice a problem can be tricky, but changing it is a whole different monster. Just do what you do, and give him the space to learn for himself. Pouring wisdom on him will likely lead to defensiveness, so just let it happen.

Yeah, I learnt that a little while ago. I would try to add little piece of insight here and there, but they would either get blown off or he would get defensive. So now, I just let him figure his own stuff out.

It's nice to hear you've been in this situation too. It really gets to me sometimes; I'll be sitting at home and all of a sudden I'll have a thought and start to feel a little frustrated about something he did. I try to let everything go, but it's tough sometimes.

We've definitely had some physical confrontations too, usually they start of playfully but end up a little bit more serious haha.

unus supra
19-04-2011, 11:41 PM
ah man, i know exactly what your talking about.

Maybe you could give yourself that space to. Sometimes we just need a break from people, give us time to remember why we care for em in the first place you know? And ya, it is tough, no doubt about that, but the only ones that can hurt us the most are the ones we care about the most. another irony.

no matter what, i hope this works out for you, good friends are rare and worth their weight in gold.

spirit72
19-04-2011, 11:47 PM
not wishing to be rude or anything, but have you considered your friend may have a substance abuse problem....(drugs) maybe, this can make people, become two different people... OR dare I say, do you think there is anyway he may have feelings for you...? He may behave like that with girls around in order to make himself feel less uncomfortable... Just two thoughts that sprung to mind...

Alex-The-Iceman
19-04-2011, 11:47 PM
Maybe you could give yourself that space to. Sometimes we just need a break from people, give us time to remember why we care for em in the first place you know? And ya, it is tough, no doubt about that, but the only ones that can hurt us the most are the ones we care about the most. another irony.

That's something that I've been trying to do lately as well. I made some new friends at University, and I try to hang around with them more. It shocking how much of a breath of fresh air it was when I first started doing that. Before making those new friends, I mostly hung around with my best-friend as well as his/my other friends, so I never really got any sort of perspective from outside that circle. When I was hanging around with him and our group all the time I always felt kinda pressured to do things the way he saw fit, but now that I have my own seperate friends I get a sort of 'fresh start' I guess.

Alex-The-Iceman
19-04-2011, 11:51 PM
not wishing to be rude or anything, but have you considered your friend may have a substance abuse problem....(drugs) maybe, this can make people, become two different people... OR dare I say, do you think there is anyway he may have feelings for you...? He may behave like that with girls around in order to make himself feel less uncomfortable... Just two thoughts that sprung to mind...

I am entirely sure that he does not have a drug problem; he is very cautious about the use of substances and when he does use them it's usually only mild halluciongenics (you know which one I'm talking about, I'm just not sure if I'm allowed to say it on this forum). And as for having feelings for me, I'm very sure that's not it either. I think he may feel like he needs to outshine me or do better than me (perhaps due to competitive nature or insecurities within himself). Even when we started to explore spirituality (which I must admit, he introduced me to the idea of it), he always felt the need to compare himself to me: he would talk about me being 'further' than him or him being 'further' than me, and I would try to hint that maybe it's a more personal thing and not a matter of being 'further' along.

Simon Karlos
20-04-2011, 12:07 AM
If it were anybody else, I would not hang around with him anymore. But I KNOW that deep down he is a great guy, probably the most caring person I know. It just seems like his kindness is getting covered in something else. But I don't know what that is. Please help!

Hi Alex. An awesome friend you have there, and an awesome friend you are for him. The "problem" here, you already wisely mentioned it. Projection. The more you make how YOU feel about "him" or anyone else, the less you are acknowledging your Power to feel the way that you prefer, which would logically be a sense of well-being. Since all minds are joined, how you internally see and FEEL about yourself automatically attracts those qualities telepathically from others, as far as what you perceive. The ONLY way to help others is through FIRST and FOREMOST allowing oneself to find thoughts and feelings (FEELINGS being the keyword here) that are in alignment with one's Higher Self, one's Inner Being.

The more you visualize, practice, perceive and FEEL yourself as one who doesn't need to react negatively towards another's behavior, keeping an inner calm, the more other people in your life will reflect that positive change in you. This is universal law, and it never fails. Anyone in your life who would refuse to raise their vibration along with you would simply "fade into the background," and you may or may not interact with them on occasion. We are all here to learn to be "selfish" in the true, positive sense of the term (not the negative selfish), making "Nothing matters more to me than that I feel good" of highest importance, for if we don't FEEL GOOD about ourselves, then what is it that we have to "offer" another? What kind of example are we setting if we put another's mood above our own, or allowing our own mood to lower because of our focus on their "negative" behavior? Powerlessness. While, on the other hand, practicing focusing exclusively on those qualities in your friend that resonate with your own sense of well-being, actually allows him to REFLECT that positive behavior back to you, you see? It does take much practice, but the results are well worth it. No one else can be "responsible" for how we feel, never. Yes, we may REACT negatively, but that is our own responsibility. Blame and responsibility are opposites. Blame is fear-based and disempowering; true responsibility essentially means our "ability to consciously and deliberately respond with love, with compassion."

From the strong sense I get through your post, it seems to me that you are handling this situation quite maturely, and simply would benefit now from learning to create needed quiet time and space from your friend, when inspired to, to find your own inner joy. Change the way you perceive yourself in relation to him for the better, communicate more clearly and honestly with him, and watch the magic as it unfolds. :color: Blessings, my brother, to you both.

GentleStrength
20-04-2011, 08:05 AM
If it were anybody else, I would not hang around with him anymore. But I KNOW that deep down he is a great guy, probably the most caring person I know. It just seems like his kindness is getting covered in something else. But I don't know what that is. Please help!

I've had a similar experience many years ago and unfortunately decided to end the friendship because of things I found about who he had become. It doesn't sound that your situation is as dramatic as what I experienced.

The main thing I see is that it seems you let him take the lead in certain situations and let him control what happens a little bit. If a friend of mine tried to "barge in" between me and a girl I was interested in that he knew about, I guarantee he wouldn't succeed. :D Same with him walking away with both girls.

Your feelings should matter to him just as much as his feelings do to you but from what you wrote it seems he gets to call the shots about who does what and what movies the group is able to see. Stand up for the things that are important to you and there will either be a confrontation, or he will accept the things you feel strongly about and be more considerate in turn.

Just my thoughts, hope they help some.

Love and Light

iolite
20-04-2011, 02:06 PM
Alex...

I get the impression that he is acting out because of a lack of self confidence and perhaps he's a little jealous, maybe. Does this make any sense?

mattie
20-04-2011, 02:32 PM
At 19, give others considerable leeway about their behavior. At this age, we are all usually still establishing our sense of self & this is often a bit rocky. Appreciate friends for their positive attributes, not requiring them to be models of perfection. If you grow out of certain friends, develop others. This is OK.

Resist the urge to grade others. We are all on our own journey of learning & growth & the only journey we are in charge of is our own. At your age we all go through transiting from teenagers to adults & some move through this process faster than others. Have compassion w/ those for whom the process takes a bit longer. We are all on the same journey a precious few steps apart.

Not grading others or being harshly judgmental doesn't mean we should put up w/ abusive behavior or associate w/ those whom we are no longer interested. Do what is right for you.

Your friend seems as if he might be a big insecure, needing to be the center of attention & not taking it well if a decision of his is challenged. Don't take it personally. It is his issue, not yours. You donít have to take on his negative energy or respond to it. You can simply observe it.

Distanced Observer-
http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/showthread.php?p=176685#post176685

CJ82Sky
20-04-2011, 02:42 PM
i agree with mattie and iolite. one thing i constantly remind myself of is that negativity will not leave you. you must leave it. if it is in your life it is only because you have allowed it to be there.

does that mean you need to leave/end your friendship? no in my opinion that doesn't mean to run away from everything. it simply means do not take the negativity of others into your own life. do not let it in your life. when confronted with negativity, negative actions, what have you - address with positivity and love.

like mattie said, do not take on his negativity, simply observe it and let it move past you and do what you need to do to ensure that you are not continuing the projection cycle of projecting feelings and insecurities on each other and reacting to that negative energy rather than being true friends.

it also sounds like having some new friends has allowed you a better perspective on things and that's wonderful. i hope everything works out soon!

Alex-The-Iceman
22-04-2011, 12:06 AM
Great advice everybody, thanks alot. I think I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing now and go with the flow. :smile: