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ste20man
19-02-2019, 01:36 PM
Hi.

I am wondering all the time, I, I, I.

I had an experience about 5 years ago. I was clinically depressed, in my bedroom, and I just decided to give up fighting. I'd had enough. I wasn't going to kill myself it was just physical, mental and emotional devastation.

I had just had enough of everything.

In that moment a black conscious showed itself to me. It crept forward and made itself known. Quiet. Black. Inky. A non human silent conscious.

In a fraction of a second I made a small, and truly TRULY humble (for the first time in my life) truly meant prayer in the hope that "something" bigger than me would protect and take care of me.

I had nothing to lose.

I chose to dive in to this inky black conscious presenting itself to me.

I had just had enough. You can get to that place. I had nothing to lose.

I dived in humbly and out of the black came the light.

An infinite, eternal conscious that played with me like I was a child.

An orange warm glow that vibrated only with love. Infinite.

There is no time or dimension, only my drop of conscious in the whole.

I slid back to my room only when the conscious thought of "I" being in this new eternal form. Will I be here forever, where is my body?

I was in my bed crying like I had never before repeating "I never knew..."

So incredibly unspeakably beautiful.

You think I would just be happy and leave it be but how can you? I walk down the street asking people are you awake? I ask my family, they have no experience of what I am trying to convey. At each moment I st there in my university where I am studying mental health nursing (I want to help people) and think you're doing things wrong.

They are trying to heal people by defining their differences. Telling them to go here or go there. filling them with drugs.

In defining their divisions they are causing the very pain they are trying to get rid of.

There is no separation, you don't even exist, don't feel back because you live forever.

All of this is just talk, I am at every moment aware that I exist here but this is a complete illusion. I'm living my own tale and would prefer at times to not know, to not have this understanding.

There was a time when I used to be taught of stories of the bible or other religions, it's a lot different to know it in your soul.

Does anyone have issues being in this state?

I would love your ideas, thanks, ste. :)

ImthatIm
19-02-2019, 04:05 PM
AH the warm welcoming living LOVE/LIGHT!!!

Welcome: ste20man to the life as you knew it wrecking truth.
It is nice to find our HOME and now where we come from and where we are going and yet kind of devastating to be here (earth)
in like a foreign land like with foreign people.
Use this experience of the Light/Love to work on BEING IT in your every day walk.( having fill your heart)
And remember most people can only handle a small amount of truth at a time unless they are ready.
Also you may have some work to do within yourself to identify and remove blockages
that are blocking you from BEING this Light/Love.
:thumbsup: To the eternal,everlasting,God of Light and Love.

Miss Hepburn
20-02-2019, 02:00 AM
Originally Posted by ste20man
-An infinite, eternal conscious that played with me like I was a child.

-An orange warm glow that vibrated only with love. Infinite.

-There is no time or dimension, only my drop of conscious in the whole.

-So incredibly unspeakably beautiful.
...are you awake?

I ask my family, they have no experience of what I am trying to convey.

-There is no separation, you don't even exist...you live forever.

- I exist here but this is a complete illusion.
-I'm living my own tale

-it's a lot different to know it in your soul.

Does anyone have issues being in this state?

I would love your ideas, thanks, ste. :) I relate to the points above. :smile:

Might as well understand that you are special*...why? No one really knows...
Did you do something really good in a past life to be have these experiences...maybe sit
in meditation at the feet of a master or different masters many lives?
Probably.

Why do others not have these experiences...I have no idea.
Why, they hardly understand the basics of quantum physic discoveries.
Yet, for years we know that we are 99.99999% empty space.

Why do we know from direct exp this is all an Illusion?
Who knows.

Just feel the love, give the love in return, be humble,
always be kind to those around you..and enjoy....but, take on the
responsibility to be who you are...and feel the blessing of what you have been shown.


* But special because you were shown these things before many others so you have the responsibility to
be an example and encourage and help others .... like a big brother.... or sister...or uncle.
Not special in an ego way.

ste20man
20-02-2019, 10:33 AM
Thanks for getting back.

I appreciate your words.

I think I am at a turning point in my life, I've found that I'm on a path to helping people doing a mental health nursing degree, which I feel is important, helping is really the best thing to do in whatever context that is.

I might start meditating.

I believe there is only the present now.

Who knows.

I'm stuck between looking for a direction and realising I don't even exist in the way I thought. I am just gonna sit still and see nothing for as long as I can.

To have a moment like Neo in the Matrix where you realise you can't go back is a trip. Would you even want to if you could? That is a deep and soul wrenching question. Thinking about it...nope...probably lol. God damn you Cypher!

Ah well, the world turns, thanks again. ste

Miss Hepburn
21-02-2019, 01:46 AM
I'm stuck between looking for a direction and realising I don't even exist in the way I thought. I am just gonna sit still and see nothing for as long as I can.

To have a moment like Neo in the Matrix where you realise you can't go back is a trip. Would you even want to if you could? That is a deep and soul wrenching question. Thinking about it...nope...probably lol. God damn you Cypher!

Ah well, the world turns, thanks again. ste Ah, I see you would understand what I say to people sometimes
when God gives them some supernatural, life altering experience....
Thanks God, for ruining my life.

It's like a friend springing a $70 bottle of red wine on you...and now nothing else compares. Damn them!
I LOVE the Matrix.:tongue:

Unseeking Seeker
21-02-2019, 02:17 AM
***

Nothing to add, nothing to subtract
Other than never allow narrowness to detract
Key words of the engagement ... love, child & play
In innocence presence, make them the mainstay. :hug3:

Now that the knowing is known, now that you have been shown, embracing being-ness in lovingness, disallow doubts found in egoic waters shallow

***

Miss Hepburn
23-02-2019, 10:29 PM
***
Nothing to add, nothing to subtract
Other than never allow narrowness to detract
Key words of the engagement ... love, child & play
In innocence presence, make them the mainstay. :hug3:

Now that the knowing is known, now that you have been shown, embracing being-ness in lovingness, disallow doubts found in egoic waters shallow
*** Now that the knowing is known,
now that you have been shown,
embracing being-ness in lovingness,
disallow doubts found in egoic waters shallow

guthrio
24-02-2019, 11:44 PM
Thanks for getting back.

I appreciate your words.

I think I am at a turning point in my life, I've found that I'm on a path to helping people doing a mental health nursing degree, which I feel is important, helping is really the best thing to do in whatever context that is.

I might start meditating.

I believe there is only the present now.

Who knows.

I'm stuck between looking for a direction and realising I don't even exist in the way I thought. I am just gonna sit still and see nothing for as long as I can.

To have a moment like Neo in the Matrix where you realise you can't go back is a trip. Would you even want to if you could? That is a deep and soul wrenching question. Thinking about it...nope...probably lol. God damn you Cypher!

Ah well, the world turns, thanks again. ste


Ste20man,

Welcome to Spiritual Forums!

Your experience is absolutely fascinating. I was sparked to say something I never thought of before:

In this version of the universe, everyone who saw the movie thinks that Neo choose the red pill...and continued on the path we've come to know as the excellent Matrix series and sequels.

However, (and this is what struck me), in another equally plausible universe of infinite choices, Neo took the blue pill, and proceeded on a path that another audience (alternate versions of US) get to mention in posts in "other" Spiritual Forums.

Similarly, you, and we, have made countless choices whose consequences have carried us to unknown and unseen worlds, so seamlessly, it "seems" nothing has changed....until we encounter a path (choice) that results in EVERYTHING changing, afterwards, as you have.

Think about your choice to pray for guidance and protection, upon encountering the event that has changed everything for you!

Then think about whether you'd be writing about it 5 years later.....if you'd made another choice (a different "pill", so to speak).

Thank you for telling us about your transformation experience, and hope to hear about many more.

Who knows? You may discover a way to help those you encounter in your work understand how their choices can change the universe(s) they live in.

Like Miss Hepburn, :wave: I LOVE the Matrix, too.

Reference: http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/showpost.php?p=1666648&postcount=27

Reference: http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/showpost.php?p=1803340&postcount=99

ste20man
28-02-2019, 09:53 PM
I am bi-polar.

I used to refuse my life so much so that it drove me higher than you could imagine.

I spent 15 years in and out of mental units and to be honest it was a very painful time for both me and family and friends. We did the best we could.

I woke one night to know of plato's cave (an analogy will do).

I ran around for a bit telling people I knew that nothing exists.

They listened but I think they gave it the same weight as what had come before.

It didn't matter how many different stories and paintings and poems that knowledge was attempted to be represented because they surely didn't want to know. Especially from somebody like me.

Who would want to have their ego to collapse into "nothing". It's basically death. It happened to me by mistake. (More rightly it happened - you can't describe any of it because were using words or ideas).

The best thing that has happened to me is that I am happy for the first time since I was 10. I marked it in my diary. Just 3 days ago. So I could look back.

I am now at uni and working on a mental health unit. It is my first placement and it is making me face things I wish I could have done many years ago (my brother quite rightly said I mustn't have been ready, or I would have).

I like myself. 3 days, marked. I don't know if it is a slight reduction in my meds or the placement but I am re-remembering my soul. I am in pain every time I walk through those doors. I feel bad every time I leave them behind. I am those people as well as a nurse in training.

I said to this, this thing called life before as I sat down.

I said, even if you become foggy again, even if they jail you once more or even if I might die on this day, at least I have these three days, at least I remembered who I was, where I came from.

Life gave me a second go around.

I have listened to ward rounds and recently spoke to my own psychiatrist saying to her "If you can't tell me where you were before you existed, who is talking to who here???" Lol. No I didn't, that would be ego from me.

I fully go with whatever comes now. I just keep my eyes out for what stands out and then follow that path. I'm going with the stream, not against now. It's brought me back to the people I know. I want to set them free of those wards. I just want to help.

You guys have helped me. You're not a bunch of tomatoes.

All the best, ste.

ste20man
28-02-2019, 10:12 PM
I am bi-polar.

I used to refuse my life so much so that it drove me higher than you could imagine.

I spent 15 years in and out of mental units and to be honest it was a very painful time for both me and family and friends. We did the best we could.

I woke one night to know of plato's cave (an analogy will do).

I ran around for a bit telling people I knew that nothing exists.

They listened but I think they gave it the same weight as what had come before.

It didn't matter how many different stories and paintings and poems that knowledge was attempted to be represented because they surely didn't want to know. Especially from somebody like me.

Who would want to have their ego to collapse into "nothing". It's basically death. Or thata is what it looks like I imagine. It happened to me by mistake I tells thee :O). (More rightly it happened - you can't describe any of it because were using words or ideas).

The best thing that has happened is that I am truly happy for the first time since I was 10 -15. I marked it in my diary today. Just 3 days ago I open up fully like I was a child. Like I was before.

I am now at uni and working on a mental health unit. It is my first placement and it is making me face my past, which I wish I could have done many years ago (my brother quite rightly said I mustn't have been ready, or I would have).

I like myself. 3 days, marked. I don't know if it is a slight reduction in my meds or the placement but I am re-remembering my soul. Something. I am in pain every time I walk through those doors. I feel bad every time I leave them behind. I am those people as well as a nurse in training.

I said to this, this thing called life before as I sat down.

I said, even if you become foggy again, even if they jail you once more or even if I might die on this day, at least I have these three days, at least I remember what I am, where I came from.

I am integrated fully with myself and the life that other people see.

I know absolute stillness.

I am at complete peace and I feel so blessed for that. I cannot convey how much.

I have been at war with myself for as many years as I can remember even coming to know what I know. I am free. You couldn't jail me even if you did.

Why?

It is a story if nothing else. No better or worse than any other.

A second chance around.

That's dangerous for some lol. I can see bad a mile away and I don't like it.

I will represent the people like me now. The ones who struggle, cos they do.

I have listened to ward rounds and recently spoke to my own psychiatrist saying to her "If you can't tell me where you were before you existed, who is talking to who here?"

I didn't, i don't need any form of ego win. lol. I understand.

I want to set them free of those wards. I just want to help.

You guys have helped me. I really like you.

You're not a bunch of tomatoes. You're very juicy haha. I am a spaz.

Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeedommmmmmm!!!!!

Well said that man.

Where else do we build from?

Hold no label that weighs you down, not even your name - we don't even exist.

Love you guys, all the best, ste.

ste20man
28-02-2019, 10:12 PM
I am bi-polar.

I used to refuse my life so much so that it drove me higher than you could imagine.

I spent 15 years in and out of mental units and to be honest it was a very painful time for both me and family and friends. We did the best we could.

I woke one night to know of plato's cave (an analogy will do).

I ran around for a bit telling people I knew that nothing exists.

They listened but I think they gave it the same weight as what had come before.

It didn't matter how many different stories and paintings and poems that knowledge was attempted to be represented because they surely didn't want to know. Especially from somebody like me.

Who would want to have their ego to collapse into "nothing". It's basically death. Or thata is what it looks like I imagine. It happened to me by mistake I tells thee :O). (More rightly it happened - you can't describe any of it because were using words or ideas).

The best thing that has happened is that I am truly happy for the first time since I was 10 -15. I marked it in my diary today. Just 3 days ago I open up fully like I was a child. Like I was before.

I am now at uni and working on a mental health unit. It is my first placement and it is making me face my past, which I wish I could have done many years ago (my brother quite rightly said I mustn't have been ready, or I would have).

I like myself. 3 days, marked. I don't know if it is a slight reduction in my meds or the placement but I am re-remembering my soul. Something. I am in pain every time I walk through those doors. I feel bad every time I leave them behind. I am those people as well as a nurse in training.

I said to this, this thing called life before as I sat down.

I said, even if you become foggy again, even if they jail you once more or even if I might die on this day, at least I have these three days, at least I remember what I am, where I came from.

I am integrated fully with myself and the life that other people see.

I know absolute stillness.

I am at complete peace and I feel so blessed for that. I cannot convey how much.

I have been at war with myself for as many years as I can remember even coming to know what I know. I am free. You couldn't jail me even if you did.

Why?

It is a story if nothing else. No better or worse than any other.

A second chance around.

That's dangerous for some lol. I can see bad a mile away and I don't like it.

I will represent the people like me now. The ones who struggle, cos they do.

I have listened to ward rounds and recently spoke to my own psychiatrist saying to her "If you can't tell me where you were before you existed, who is talking to who here?"

I didn't, i don't need any form of ego win. lol. I understand.

I want to set them free of those wards. I just want to help.

You guys have helped me. I really like you.

You're not a bunch of tomatoes. You're very juicy haha. I am a spaz.

Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeedommmmmmm!!!!!

Well said that man.

Where else do we build from?

Hold no label that weighs you down, not even your name - we don't even exist.

Love you guys, all the best, ste.

Fairyana
01-03-2019, 09:03 PM
I love Rupert Spira. He said "Even the darkest depression shines in the light of your own being".