Non duality state achieved but obscured because of my OCD

[KonrD111]

About 2 years ago I discovered the "non dual" state of mind which was so powerful that it brought upon a dark night of the soul basically where I'm questioning all of my beliefs and reality. But even though I can't unsee the truth that I saw then, the state itself has been obscured by my OCD thoughts, that's the best I can describe my problem, the "point of entry" into the non dual state where I choose to let go of attatchments (and then the "void" appears) , I messed that up by trying to move it out of my brain and now basically I have this psycho somatic problem where I'm trying to re enter the void but it doesn't work.

One of the conclusions I came to is that this is some kind of unconcious defense mechanism where my ego is trying to sabotoge the awakening process. So I figure I need to re enter the state to continue my spiritual progress, and yes I also realise that enlightenment isn't about being in a state constantly and I should just focus on what the experience taught me rather than trying to get it back.

I've been meditating for about 3 years, I have asked about this on other forums and people have advised me to find a spiritual teacher/guru which I'm still working on finding (pretty hard as I'm only 20). But maybe there is something I can do on my own?

Other information:

Technique that led me to the non duality experience: search "actualized.org - Meditation On Steroids - How To Get The FASTEST Meditation Gains" on youtube (I can't post links yet)

Video that best describes what I experienced: search "Steven Norquist Speaks at the 2010 SIG" on youtube , Jed mckenna's books on spiritual enlightenment do it well too.

[Shivani Devi]

About 2 years ago I discovered the "non dual" state of mind which was so powerful that it brought upon a dark night of the soul basically where I'm questioning all of my beliefs and reality. But even though I can't unsee the truth that I saw then, the state itself has been obscured by my OCD thoughts, that's the best I can describe my problem, the "point of entry" into the non dual state where I choose to let go of attatchments (and then the "void" appears) , I messed that up by trying to move it out of my brain and now basically I have this psycho somatic problem where I'm trying to re enter the void but it doesn't work.

One of the conclusions I came to is that this is some kind of unconcious defense mechanism where my ego is trying to sabotoge the awakening process. So I figure I need to re enter the state to continue my spiritual progress, and yes I also realise that enlightenment isn't about being in a state constantly and I should just focus on what the experience taught me rather than trying to get it back.

I've been meditating for about 3 years, I have asked about this on other forums and people have advised me to find a spiritual teacher/guru which I'm still working on finding (pretty hard as I'm only 20). But maybe there is something I can do on my own?

Other information:

Technique that led me to the non duality experience: search "actualized.org - Meditation On Steroids - How To Get The FASTEST Meditation Gains" on youtube (I can't post links yet)

Video that best describes what I experienced: search "Steven Norquist Speaks at the 2010 SIG" on youtube , Jed mckenna's books on spiritual enlightenment do it well too.Have you ever played Super Mario Brothers? In that game, there is a Ghost called "Boo"...now, when you look at "Boo" he will stop, shy away and cover his eyes...but when your back is turned and the focus is elsewhere, "Boo" will start chasing you...you can't catch "Boo" when you are trying to.

When the non-dual state arrives, the very moment any mental association is made, the "void" vanishes...and trying to bring it back is pretty futile, because you are thinking about it now...so, you need to totally divert your focus, so, as soon as the non-dual state is entered, bring your full awareness back to the breath or the "third eye" area and don't label...don't judge...just observe it, but without any association.

When you watch TV, you don't sit there going "I am watching TV now" do you? you just sit back and let it happen...let it go TOO.

Because, you know...the last attachment to go, is the attachment to losing attachments...the desire to become desireless...the thought that you aren't thinking...until, you realise how SELF-defeating that just was. :D

The ego will try to hold on...invite it along for the ride "hey, ego...this is something you might enjoy too...c'mon, let's just do this my dear friend"....the ego likes it when you resist, so if you can manage to let go of your attachments, the next phase is letting go who you think you are or what is going on with all that "void" stuff and trying to do anything with it.

I'll type more later.