Fear of judgement, opinions of others

[Roselove]

This seems to be my underlying issue, I hesistate to express myself bc i fear people will dislike me if i'm honest with them about my views or my feelings. I also fear coming across, unintelligent, needy etc so I try to control myself so much so that for awhile i had lost touch with parts of who i am. Since joinging this forum I have tried to express myself more authentically but when i get negative reactions from people, go back into that fear. Lately it's a reoccuring thought that i need to say things a certain way or if communciate honestly this perosn will no longer like me etc

I have an idea what it attributes to from childhood and thought i healed however unfornately it still persists, it's one of the hardest habbits for me to break and working on it only seems to make it worse

anyone have any expierence with this? how do you break it thanks!

[themaster]

A long time ago in a galaxy far away..

I used to believe or hope there was something better than "good and evil" and I was wondering this about age 10-17.. :D course I didn't find out the answer to that until the last year or two..

Rose most people are not aware of how reality is constructed.. so let me give you a idea how it is.. we are all creators all of us.. we have always been creators.. always.. doesn't matter if it was the dark ages and we were torturing witches or people not into the catholic church! :D

If you know this like, I know this.. than you know that we..

- Constructed a massive amount of beliefs called "I don't like me" and "I should always apologize cause I fear violence" during much of our darker days..
- We carry over these beliefs.. it's part of the rules of the game.. many of us download them from our parents..

So what was the question.. fear of judgment.. hmm.. yes.. I know what your talking about.. there is only one answer to that.. you have to like you.. or love you more.. than wanting the respect of others..

If you look at me and some of my posts.. you'll find a weird dichotomy.. sometimes I say things so nicely or elegantly.. that people are like yah "I like that" then you'll find me say something that gets those same people.. going..

"I judge you inappropriate"

The secret to caring and not caring what people think is.. just that.. you have to not care, like yourself.. know that if you get a judgment reaction.. it's their problem with themselves..

(many people play characters.. rather than be themselves.. oh.. I'm a goodie, goodie.. they might for example.. condemn someone for smoking while pregnant.. at the same time.. they'll never admit they smoked a few times during pregnant.. they play a character.. not themselves)

Playing a character can be useful at times.. if you don't want to engage in conversation that gets people upset.. but the point of the new age is to.. speak your mind.. and give those who are upset.. a chance to raise their vibration.. let go of that ANGER and upsetness that makes there life so ****ty..

If you want a analogy.. everybody.. on the planet is in pain.. PERIOD.. they are not happy or can only be happy on occasion.. so they carry around baggage (BELIEFS or I don't like me) and when you speak the truth like.. "death is a illusion" if they don't believe that.. they react in anger/negative feelings.. if you understand feelings the way I do.. you'll understand it's a bit like a compass.. positive feelings are toward our truths.. negative feelings are beliefs and lies we perpetuate (if you will)

My teacher bashar.. often uses a phrase.. "I don't want to take your pain from you.. I know how much you love your pain!" in this little joke he's making.. is funny because we do hold onto our pain.. (negative beliefs) very tightly..

That is the irony.. when someone comes up to you and says.. "I don't like the shoes your wearing" it's the same thing as saying.. "master you bad!" "or you are inappropriate, master" the problem there telling you.. is actually their problem.. (you can substitute master for david which is my non-character name :D lol)

I'm sure you know all this.. just be at ease.. practice some spiritual tools.. or keep creating lots of threads as you do.. remember, the secret to enlightenment and feeling love, joy, happiness is not in the questions.. (though it can be) it is the liking of self.. :smile:

[GoddessLove]

Just experienced that on my thread. In my daily life, I am very quiet. People try to get me to talk, but I fear they will judge me so I stay quiet. That's why I NEVER express myself or ask questions, people always hide their true intentions of judging you to make themselves feel superior.

I have learned now to NEVER put myself in that situation again and seek the truth on my own. People don't want honesty from you, they want to justify their own knowledge. Spiritual forum?! I will look around and read but I will never ask another question. My fears are justified in this forum.

[Riboflavin]

This seems to be my underlying issue, I hesistate to express myself bc i fear people will dislike me if i'm honest with them about my views or my feelings. I also fear coming across, unintelligent, needy etc so I try to control myself so much so that for awhile i had lost touch with parts of who i am. Since joinging this forum I have tried to express myself more authentically but when i get negative reactions from people, go back into that fear. Lately it's a reoccuring thought that i need to say things a certain way or if communciate honestly this perosn will no longer like me etc

I have an idea what it attributes to from childhood and thought i healed however unfornately it still persists, it's one of the hardest habbits for me to break and working on it only seems to make it worse

anyone have any expierence with this? how do you break it thanks!
Yeah, i have lots. I cant argue or disagree with anyone or i feel drained and/or sick. I dont know why and i dont know how to heal it, although ive tried many things, nothing has yet worked.. although i do hold out hope that someday things will change.

[Mind's Eye]

I used to feel the same way years ago... Then one day I just said, "to hell with it." I figured if I couldn't be true to myself, then who can I be true to. And also, I realized that many of the people I was wearing masks for were really quite putzy, so who really cared if they didn't grasp the concept of the real me or not.

So I just had a coming out party and let my soul shine forth... and yeah, some people didn't like it. It was too "complex" they said and voiced disagreement. But I held to my own truth. Many of my old friends fell away, and yes, that was a little sad. But I made new and better friends who really respect me and compliment my way of thinking. I am far better off now then when I was in a shell because I was afraid that some lame brain wouldn't like me anymore...

Life has soared and I have found an inner strength that is beyond what I ever thought I could have.... The funny thing is, when we keep hiding in a corner and editing our selves, we make the very prison we want to break free from.. and our quality of life and friends suffers. Once you open the door and just step out into the light of day, you will wonder what you were so afraid of for so long.

Just be you. There's really nothing else to be.

[Riboflavin]

Thats great Sphinx.. I can't really relate to not being true to myself.. but its great that you were able to throw off those burdens and become free yourself.

[Mind's Eye]

Just experienced that on my thread. In my daily life, I am very quiet. People try to get me to talk, but I fear they will judge me so I stay quiet. That's why I NEVER express myself or ask questions, people always hide their true intentions of judging you to make themselves feel superior.

I have learned now to NEVER put myself in that situation again and seek the truth on my own. People don't want honesty from you, they want to justify their own knowledge. Spiritual forum?! I will look around and read but I will never ask another question. My fears are justified in this forum.

Are you talking about the thread where you said you thought you were hexed? What happened?

[themaster]

I am constantly running into negative beliefs on this forum.. almost every 3rd or 4th post I see one..

I could choose rosewater.. to say nothing (and sometimes/mostly do)

Or I could choose to address this negative belief.. with some enlightened thinking which I do sometimes..

On a non-physical level I could also remember.. I promised.. that if I saw someone being “not themselves” I would give them a chance to remember/wake up by offering them my truth/the truth and giving them a chance to be “who they are”

[Mind's Eye]

Thats great Sphinx.. I can't really relate to not being true to myself.. but its great that you were able to throw off those burdens and become free yourself.

It wasn't even that I was such a strong person.. I just got sick, tired and disgusted of putting on a show for people that were ( ___________ fill in the blank) and overly opininated over trivial non-sense. When you've had enough sometimes, it can give you the energy you need to launch out into new and even sometimes scary waters.

[GoddessLove]

No The Sphinx, not that thread! That thread helped me a lot. YOU helped me a lot. It was today, asking about sexual repression. First time ever really being open about that, expressing myself and trying to gain knowledge, and it went all wrong. I think that I'm much better sitting on the sidelines to myself.

OP, if you hesitate, then don't do it.

[Riboflavin]

Im sorry goddesslove.. i really didnt understand where you were coming from in that thread. =(

[Mind's Eye]

No The Sphinx, not that thread! That thread helped me a lot. YOU helped me a lot. It was today, asking about sexual repression. First time ever really being open about that, expressing myself and trying to gain knowledge, and it went all wrong. I think that I'm much better sitting on the sidelines to myself.

OP, if you hesitate, then don't do it.


I will take a look at that post now... thanks for sharing.

[Roselove]

thanks everyone, i didn't realize how common this is.

I agree what matters most is your relationship with your self and i have been working on that, but unfornately when someone judges me, it throws me off, make me doubt myself. I dont think i see myself objectively, too much has been projected onto me. Hopefully i'll have a stronger sense of self one day

[Sangraal]

Rosewater - you do not break it... lol

you embrace it...

you embrace you...

you open yourself to you...

you gift yourself your selves...

you are the key so unlock the lock its not something you forgot you know what to do you know the key is your heart...

when you open your heart to yourself you then will be able to open your heart to others...

you do not need permission to be open...

you will know when this happens...

happen soon... lol


go well go well



;-)



Sangraal

[in progress]

Start sending love to yourself Rosewater. Send love to your whole being. Tell yourself you are whole and perfect. Remind yourself that growth can be easy and joyful. Send love to those you perceive as having hurt you and remember they are hurting because they are also looking for love outside of themselves.

(and check out books by Sanaya Roman!)

[NatanEpsilon]

Start sending love to yourself Rosewater. Send love to your whole being. Tell yourself you are whole and perfect. Remind yourself that growth can be easy and joyful. Send love to those you perceive as having hurt you and remember they are hurting because they are also looking for love outside of themselves.

This is my advice also. Give to your self that which you expect from others. Respect? Attention? Approval? Give it to your self. Don't expect it from others in great measures, and than, when it happen it would be much more appreciated than before.

[dennisoc]

Rosewater
These are only black squiggles on a screen in front of you.

Give them as much life and power as you chose. It's your party.

den

[Ravens_Light]

Hi, Rosewater..

I can so relate to your entire post (((HUGS)))..

I would say that the things that have helped me the very most are...

Time -- time heals all wounds they say, but it also allows for time to reflect, observe and change the beliefs we hold about ourselves...Hindsight is 20/20 as they say....

Meditation -- Doing this has allowed me to practice and use the art of detachment... Detaching from the emotional component of things... Not to where I have no feelings about it, but so that these feelings don't take the situation and run with it...

I could feel hurt or angry or sad for hours.. For days... And now, I feel the feeling then I don't know.. It just kind of works it's way out to where it feels I've released it, and all the mental stuff that use to accompany the feeling (and thereby totally PROLONGING it) is just not there...

My husband who has an even greater challenge at letting go in this way has had what I describe as miraculous success with meditation in this way.. :)

I think also that meditation has left me open to NEW beliefs about myself... I don't think I had ANY idea what it meant to love myself until just recently.. I have come to see that I am as deserving of every good thing.. Every blessing.. Every 'break'.. Every compliment.. Every attention paid... Every bit of love that anyone else is.

And that includes children... I think it is thru having children that I have come to learn this lesson because I have given and given to my family -- which is what I really want to do --- but I have NOT given AT ALL, to ME.

That is what Self Love is... KNOWING that you deserve to receive EVERYTHING that you give to others.

Lastly, exercise has been one of my most useful tools (aside from the above) to gaining self confidence.. Not because of my weight or body shape, but because it gives my body the conditions that it needs to 'feel good'.... I'm sure you've heard of endorphins (feel good hormones).. Or 'runner's high'.... It clears energy blockages.. It releases excess energies (especially mental, I find)... It transforms me in a way that nothing else can....

My feeling of connection... My feeling of self confidence... My feeling of worthiness... These all increase exponentially when I exercise.. I literally feel like a different person when I do!

20 mins at 80% of your maximum heart rate, for 3-4 days/week and you will notice a difference... AEROBIC exercise is key... Slow walking or lifting weights -- gentle exercises tho' they are good for you -- will not really get you the effect you want in terms of the emotional release and 'feel good' experience that aerobic exercise brings..

Regardless, you are definitely on the right track! :) ♥ And it's wonderful that you posted how you feel because I know that many of us can relate - whether it's because of our past or that we feel that way presently.. But in either case it is always a good thing to be reminded to LOVE OURSELVES.

Blessings to you Rosewater... You are a blessing to this forum..

Love, Cam/EarthMamma

[Roselove]

^oh wow how sweet thank you and everyone else! i am slowly starting to stop worrying about other people's judgement hopefully i can rid myself of my fear soon!

[Ravens_Light]

:hug2:....................

[Enya]

My fears are justified in this forum.
This jumped out... not saying this forum is perfect by any means, but if you look for something to justify fear... you will always find it.

[Enya]

I used to feel the same way years ago... Then one day I just said, "to hell with it." I figured if I couldn't be true to myself, then who can I be true to. And also, I realized that many of the people I was wearing masks for were really quite putzy, so who really cared if they didn't grasp the concept of the real me or not.

Life has soared and I have found an inner strength that is beyond what I ever thought I could have.... The funny thing is, when we keep hiding in a corner and editing our selves, we make the very prison we want to break free from.. and our quality of life and friends suffers. Once you open the door and just step out into the light of day, you will wonder what you were so afraid of for so long.

Just be you. There's really nothing else to be.
This is so true. Rosewater, what you are doing is people-pleasing. I have struggled with it for years, too. I still catch myself doing it. It's the 'what if I'm not good enough' pattern. Well, take a leaf from Sphinx' book and say 'feck it, who cares what they think? Are they part of my life? (nope) Do they have a lasting influence on me? (only if you let them) Will I ever meet them or depend on them? (highly unlikely) Are they the boss of me?? (:D )

You know what I discovered recently? That often judgement etc from others is only your perception, based on patterns established years ago. So... learn to catch yourself and challenge the perception - e.g. is it possible that person is actually interested and really focused on what I'm saying? Wow, I must be doing something right! Or - is that person really criticising and judging me or are they acting from an issue of their own? Did something I said push an emotional button for them and if so, how can I detach and make this less personal for us both?

Online forums don't offer body language or tone of voice, so learn to act after due consideration... even if that consideration leads to 'feck it, it's their problem, not mine.' :smile:

[Ravens_Light]

Wow, Enya... Your posts are AWESOME.... ♥

[JM80]

I can relate to this thread as well.

I suffer from Anxiety, Social Anxiety to be exact and its a horrible thing to have to deal with. Its based on the same thing you are describing Rosewater, the acceptance and judgement of others. As it's a mental condition, only based on my thoughts, it's extremely hard to control and get over.

I am much better these days than I was in my younger days but its still there, always lerking. I find that I challenge myself, if I realise that it hasn't happened in a few days (panic attack kind of episodes), just the thought of it brings it on again (if you know what I mean), it's very hard to explain!

I avoid having to go out where people will see me and want to "have a chat" or ask how I am etc, I dont like the focus to be on me, I dont like to be asked questions about myself, I have a fight or flight kind of experience where my blood rushes and my face goes red, so it's apparent to the person I am talking to that something is up. Arrghhh its awful! And the funny thing is, the people I open up to and admit my problem, they are shocked and tell me that I come across to them as being a very confident person.. weird how other peoples perceptions of you are very different to your own :)

In saying that, I know that others dont judge me as harshly as I judge myself, it still doesnt help me unfortunately.

I wish you all the very best in feeling better about expressing yourself and worrying less about other peoples judgements of you :)

I will keep working on myself!

[Ravens_Light]

Hi again, Rosewater.. It just occurred to me that I read an incredible passage from "A New Earth" (Ekhart Tohlle sp??)... I will look to find it & type it up here..

It was one of the best things I've read about how to just 'be yourself' and what that means.. I'll be back on tomorrow with it..

(((HUGS))))

[Medium_Laura]

Eckhart Tolle recommends this book about living without judgement (even of self)

One is A Thousand Names for Joy by Byron Katie. This book gives you a sense of what it is like on a daily basis to live without judgment.

[JM80]

Eckhart Tolle recommends this book about living without judgement (even of self)

One is A Thousand Names for Joy by Byron Katie. This book gives you a sense of what it is like on a daily basis to live without judgment.

I went and bought this book :smile: thank you!

[arive nan]

I don't stop caring. But I try to speak my mind even when I know that most people are going to dislike it and I'll feel bothered by that. I have my points of views for a reason and it important to me for certain people to know that these opinions and points of views exist. So I say something, then deal with feeling bothered by the reactions. There's always at least one person who I'm trying to support or defend and that is what is more important to me.

But it's really not just my imagination that people are judging when they say things like "go away! diaf! Nobody likes you, get out of here! you are [insult vulgar insult here]" Some people really do judge and intend to offend. It happens.