Should I forgive my bully?

[NeoclassicalGuitar]

Hello, there's this guy from my past, whom I went to school with for 10 years, from we were 6-16 years old. The last of those years, he started bullying me severely verbally. He told everyone bad things about me, degraded me. It got to the point where I couldn't sleep at night because of all the aggression that was stuck inside of me. Years have past, we're both 19 now and for years he has tried to establish contact with me, however, I tried to act douchy every time and rejected him, however, I still think of him almost every day(not in a negative way), maybe because he has been such a big part of my life through all these years. I don't know if I should forgive him, even though he left permanent negative inner scars on me, which will never be erased, and made me go to through hell at that time.

Have you ever been in my situation? What would you do? And what would be best for me to do?

[ocean breeze]

I wouldn't know what i would do, or what's best for someone else to do. I imagine encountering those who have hurt me and i can see a certain amount of fear or hurt from the past coming back. One thing i know is that to forgive, confront, or befriend those who have hurt you can feel like a huge weight lifted off your shoulders. Allowing yourself to feel more free from past scars.

[symmetricalsnowflake11]

I think you need to research into what forgiveness is. It's not saying that it was ok what he did, it's moving on from what he did - and letting go of the negative feelings that he brought up in you during that time. Maybe once you've come to terms with it you can decide whether to speak to him or not. I don't believe you have to if you don't want to. You are perfectly capable of moving on from the trauma without having him in your life now. However, as this was years of bullying - I recommend talking to a professional about it. Also, the amount of time someone has spent in your life shouldn't matter that much - if they weren't someone who was supportive during those many years then why do they deserve your time now? But again that decision is entirely up to you. I think some people are worth letting back into your life and some aren't. I don't know what I would do, I think it differs with each situation depending on what they did or said.

[shoni7510]

Forgiveness is a personal choice and it is on a case by case basis. It is easy to forgive some people or deeds right away but some may take a long time to process and you need to allow yourself to heal as well. Not everybody can forgive a murderer right away like Jesus did on the cross, for most people it is a painfully long process that is required. You may indeed benefit from therapy as well.

[dream jo]

dnt no
sum pelel its bulld me i cnt fogiv coz of emsonl scarss thy lecev u it can
depd hw bad u wear bulld i wud say
evry nw agan i gt flash bacs off wot bullyss did 2 me so i dnt no
sorry

[iamthat]

You have a choice. You can hold on to your story of all the bad things that this guy did and said. Or you can let go of your story, forgive him and move on.

Holding on to your story will not make you happier. Letting go of your story will free you from the past.

I am curious about why this guy wants to make contact with you. Perhaps he now feels remorse about how he treated you and he wants to make it right.

Although I was never a bully, there were a few instances at school when I was unkind to those I perceived as weaker. That came from my own deep insecurities. Even now after all these years I sometimes reflect on those occasions and I feel ashamed, and I wish I could meet those people again and say that I am sorry. All I can do is try to forgive myself, recognising that at the time I did not know any better.

The person who benefits most from forgiveness is the person who forgives.

Peace.

[dream jo]

or try 2 avod him haz he cjnged dnt no do bullys chngs maybe juts be carful if u do foiv
sorry im if im sayin wong thngs
all i feal evy nw thn is e,son scrs 1s it no 1 can sea 1s its in sod us

[Lorelyen]

Is your bully truly penitent?

Can he (or has he) shown it or made amends by act and deed? (Forget about words, they're useless until they can match the action).

You need to avoid any hint of telling the bully that his behaviour is now seen as acceptable - that would license him to continue it on you or someone else.

Words are easy and cheap. Look for action.

♥

[dream jo]

is
he tryn 2 shw remors or ospte juts be carfl 2 gud be trik agan
sorry
jut wz buled my slf
pele tell me bad thngs abt me wish i belvd still do nw agn i do still cums bac 2 bit me on hed it duz belvin im nothng thy it im sysh i am
wite dwn all bad thns ths bully did 2 u thng hrd befr u can fogiv

[naturesflow]

Hello, there's this guy from my past, whom I went to school with for 10 years, from we were 6-16 years old. The last of those years, he started bullying me severely verbally. He told everyone bad things about me, degraded me. It got to the point where I couldn't sleep at night because of all the aggression that was stuck inside of me. Years have past, we're both 19 now and for years he has tried to establish contact with me, however, I tried to act douchy every time and rejected him, however, I still think of him almost every day(not in a negative way), maybe because he has been such a big part of my life through all these years. I don't know if I should forgive him, even though he left permanent negative inner scars on me, which will never be erased, and made me go to through hell at that time.

Have you ever been in my situation? What would you do? And what would be best for me to do?

I find myself crossing paths with some bullies from my past. It wasn't as bad as what you endured but it was enough to upset my world and make me hide from them.

When people like this come back into your world it offers you a reflection to contact that part of yourself and look and see how you feel inside, what you might still hold in and down and what choices you have to move beyond this cycle of another using you as their means to elevate themselves and project their own pain through hurting another.

So just because they try to make contact doesn't mean you let them in physically, but you can end the war in you emotionally.

Actions speak louder than words. When your clear in you from previous situations that show someone took advantage of you in a not so nice way, clarity and healing in self, listens and will know how to move from there with certainty itself.

When I sat down next to my bully the other night, I sensed my energy and feelings and I felt clear in me. I went home very happy inside myself seeing that cycle more complete "IN ME" at peace.

People are sometimes just in passing to open us to let go, not necessarily to reconnect to them. They offer a reflection in their actions to move inside us. I wouldn't move anywhere until I knew I was clear in me and not end up the same way as before. So find peace in you.

You will then move in your actions more aware of him and not easily fed back into those old dramas you have knowledge about regarding him.

[Nature Grows]

Hello, there's this guy from my past, whom I went to school with for 10 years, from we were 6-16 years old. The last of those years, he started bullying me severely verbally. He told everyone bad things about me, degraded me. It got to the point where I couldn't sleep at night because of all the aggression that was stuck inside of me. Years have past, we're both 19 now and for years he has tried to establish contact with me, however, I tried to act douchy every time and rejected him, however, I still think of him almost every day(not in a negative way), maybe because he has been such a big part of my life through all these years. I don't know if I should forgive him, even though he left permanent negative inner scars on me, which will never be erased, and made me go to through hell at that time.

Have you ever been in my situation? What would you do? And what would be best for me to do?

Hey NeoclassicalGuitar i think you have some good advice here from the other people, when i was at school i did get bullied sometimes, not to much though, but normally they would turn into physical fights, sometimes i would start the fights as soon as some one started being mean to me, just to get it over an done with. I ended up making friends with most of these people, one fight i had between someone became so big most of the school had heard that it was going to happen and came to watch an then every one started fighting each other (my friends vs his friends) it was like a big riot, anyway me an the other guy who started this both got told to leave the school forever, however we both ended up going to the same school after that and even in the same class room!! we just looked at each other an laughed, it was funny.

I think its good if you can find it in yourself to forgive them, but if you can't maybe looking at it from the perspective of like, what ever they did or said about you really had nothing to do with you, the issues they had with you were with them, it was never about you so you don't even need to forgive them if you look at it like that.

Like if someone sees a homeless person an they say "oh what a loser" that has nothing to do with the homeless person, the "loser" he sees is only in his own mind, because of what he believes or his social conditioning.

And also if the bully was just being mean to you randomly, that also has nothing to do with you. They probably have some pain or anger that they want to express but don't know how to do it in a productive way or they just don't care, you were just there.

[PeaceLilly]

You think of this person every day, and not in a negative way. He has been trying to contact you for years.

Maybe he is trying to make amends for his abuse. If not, are you strong enough to tell him you what you posted here if the abuse starts again, and to tell him that you will not allow anyone to abuse you in any form? Strong enough to say the words, mean them, and walk away?

If so, and you feel comfortable doing it, contact the person. He may have grown up FINALLY!

[Hemera]

Hello, there's this guy from my past, whom I went to school with for 10 years, from we were 6-16 years old. The last of those years, he started bullying me severely verbally. He told everyone bad things about me, degraded me. It got to the point where I couldn't sleep at night because of all the aggression that was stuck inside of me. Years have past, we're both 19 now and for years he has tried to establish contact with me, however, I tried to act douchy every time and rejected him, however, I still think of him almost every day(not in a negative way), maybe because he has been such a big part of my life through all these years. I don't know if I should forgive him, even though he left permanent negative inner scars on me, which will never be erased, and made me go to through hell at that time.

Have you ever been in my situation? What would you do? And what would be best for me to do?

Yes I've had a similar experience. I think it's one thing trying to forgive, let go and move on (which a few people here have already mentioned is not always easy or instant and can be a long process) and another to allow him back into your life. These issues are exclusive of one another. There is no way I would regain contact with the bully even though I have forgiven him and rarely think about him now. Why would I want to connect with someone who I have such bad memories of? This has be your decision; there is no right or wrong. Forgiving him, whenever or if ever you do this, does not mean you have to invite him back into your life. I think like Lorelyn said you need to be wary of giving out the message that what he did was okay. Maybe he's changed, maybe you have, but either way, the ball is very much in your court and there are no shoulds in this situation, spiritual shoulds or otherwise.

[Greenslade]

I don't know if I should forgive him, even though he left permanent negative inner scars on me, which will never be erased, and made me go to through hell at that time.Forgive or not it's your choice regardless of what the 'Spiritual thing' might be, but the bottom line is that you have to live with the choice whatever it is - and so has everyone else around you. How do you see yourself right now, as a victim of his bullying? If you don't forgive him then you may have to Live with that for a long time, because when you define yourself as a victim that's just what you become. The good thing is that everything can be turned around, you're not a victim you're a survivor and you survived what he dished out.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and in the present our perceptions of the past create our future.

When he contacts you don't put on an act because you're not being true to yourself. Tell him what he did to you and how you feel, if he's truly repentant he'll try and mend that. If not he'll go from your Life.

[dream jo]

sum bullsy it bully it s metl torser thy leve us on emsnl scars 1s it no 1 can sea only we sea thm
wite dwn wot he did 2 u hav a gud lng thng

[ocean breeze]

I say, be more careful of bullies (former or present) who turn towards Buddhist teachings. Confronting them may be more dangerous. https://youtu.be/XFg_ygpFThE

[dream jo]

I say, be more careful of bullies (former or present) who turn towards Buddhist teachings. Confronting them may be more dangerous. https://youtu.be/XFg_ygpFThE


i agred wot u saed hear coz sum will wnt 2 mak yore lif evn mor unbrel thy di

[Allr1]

In my opinion it is obvious that bulling is caused by insecurity.
A child perceives that they are not receiving enough love or respect from
home / teachers or other students.
So the only way he or she can think of receiving those feelings is through
physical or emotional control of others.
(It is not the Childs fault that he or she has not been exposed to other ways
of dealing with emotions)
Wouldn’t this explanation to a class at least (A) help the children being
bullied see where this behaviour is coming from and (B) cause the bully’s
to think twice before showing his or her insecurities?
So could emotional education in the school curriculum make a profound
change not only for students and teachers but also society in general?

[dream jo]

bully no targtets thhy do
usly go fr qite kids i wz 1 of thm qite kids wn i wz a kid weary of pelepl wish sum ways can be a gud way or bad way
metl torser bullyin techer did nosetin goin on bt lookt ok
1 bully mad my lif 1 day i hit her weid thng is i feal bad nw i hit her bt i wz so sic of bean puld 2 bts i wz
all i say is wite thngs dwn wot he did 2 u hav hrd lng thng abot it dnt wnt 2 sea u bean bulled agan w wud not on hear we wud noton hear we seam 2 hlp ech othr we do

[Iceblue]

ÓThree years is not a long time to determine repentance by your bully. You suffered his meanness for six years and though you still seem bothered by it you have the strength to allow his entreaty. It may be he's truly repentant because of something he's had to come to terms with in his own life and making amends may be important to him.
Should it turn out he's just trying to mess with you again you can put him out of your life for good knowing you made the right choice to hear him out. Remember. No one can control unless you let them.

[peteyzen]

People see forgiveness as `good old me forgiving this person who did bad things to poor old me`. That`s not forgiveness, forgiveness is letting go of the constant reminders you are giving to yourself of the bad experience you suffered, letting go of the anger, the hate and the insecurity that the mind is holding, knowing that its all gone and in the past and is holding you back now if you keep hanging on to it. Forgiveness is a release for you.

[shivatar]

Hello, there's this guy from my past, whom I went to school with for 10 years, from we were 6-16 years old. The last of those years, he started bullying me severely verbally. He told everyone bad things about me, degraded me. It got to the point where I couldn't sleep at night because of all the aggression that was stuck inside of me. Years have past, we're both 19 now and for years he has tried to establish contact with me, however, I tried to act douchy every time and rejected him, however, I still think of him almost every day(not in a negative way), maybe because he has been such a big part of my life through all these years. I don't know if I should forgive him, even though he left permanent negative inner scars on me, which will never be erased, and made me go to through hell at that time.

Have you ever been in my situation? What would you do? And what would be best for me to do?

You should care more about the scars you inflict on yourself.

If you try to be nice to this person and you feel your inner self saying "no, no, stop". Then listen and stop.

However it seems like your not giving this person the time of day, and your inner self is saying "no, no, stop". So you need to give this person the time of day.

If you don't, you will be hurting yourself. Because on a deep level you understand that now the shoe is on the other foot. The child in you wants to hurt the person who hurt you. The adult in you want's to turn the page and start anew.

Make your choice.

--

I've been in your situation many times before.

I almost always be nice to the person. I allow them the chance to tell me what they want to tell me (it's usually sorry).

Sometimes they become angry or abusive again, and I kick myself.
usually they say what they want to and leave, or facebook friend me and never talk to me again, but hey isnt that the same thing lol.

[Raziel]

Have you ever been in my situation? What would you do? And what would be best for me to do?

There is a satisfaction in showing them that you didn't break. This guy may have been having a hard time at home etc & you were the punching bag. He may have needed you in a kind of twisted way. It might not be something he has ever acknowledged or he might know damn well that he was awful & this might be his was of saying sorry or in checking that your ok without actually asking.

The boldest thing to do is to be truthful. I.e on facebook simply say why do you want to be friends when you were so horrible to me as a kid? Being the bigger person would mean you'd just keep him at arms length but I myself think that the "child" in us is still the person we are. It's only like someone being vile to you at 30 & then being friendly at 40 - you have every right to keep hold of the experience.

It's nice to forgive & forget, moving on is the better term I think but for me it really depends on what you need from the situation?

[Allr1]

Its easy to be hurtful, when all you feel is pain. Until we can truly and honestly love and except ourselves we can not do the same for others. this go,s for all bully,s
Everything and everybody already loves you unconditionally. The larger majority are just to busy fighting their own fears to realise it.:smile:

[keokutah]

Hello, there's this guy from my past, whom I went to school with for 10 years, from we were 6-16 years old. The last of those years, he started bullying me severely verbally. He told everyone bad things about me, degraded me. It got to the point where I couldn't sleep at night because of all the aggression that was stuck inside of me. Years have past, we're both 19 now and for years he has tried to establish contact with me, however, I tried to act douchy every time and rejected him, however, I still think of him almost every day(not in a negative way), maybe because he has been such a big part of my life through all these years. I don't know if I should forgive him, even though he left permanent negative inner scars on me, which will never be erased, and made me go to through hell at that time.

Have you ever been in my situation? What would you do? And what would be best for me to do?

I've been bullied a lot in my life. It's important to find forgiveness, and it's not about letting them get away with anything, it's more about just letting it go so it's not poisoning you anymore. That's really the only reason why it's important because allowing it to bother you so much is not good for you, it lowers your vibration, it lowers your confidence, and it just plain sucks and hurts.
The more you hold onto it, you're just allowing him to continue to hurt you.

That's why forgiveness is important.

What I do is I go through the emotions, I get hurt, angry, go through the woe is me stage, feeling victimized and like a huge injustice has been done, and feel insecure, but then I get to a point where I realize they don't matter, their opinions of me don't matter, they don't even know me really, and I have to remember who I am on the inside.

Forgiveness to me isn't about loving them and saying, "Oh it's okay that you did that to me". No, it's about just letting it go and wiping the slate clean. If that person wants to make it up to you so be it, but you don't have to like them. In fact, it's important for you to realize that you should stay away from people like that. Forgiving someone doesn't mean you are allowing them to hurt you again.
You're just saying, I'm over it, but it is not okay what you did and I won't stand for that happening again. Part of gaining back the confidence that was lost when you were bullied, is learning to stand up for yourself again.

Take back what they took from you, your sense of worth, etc...
None of these bullies ever know who you truly are. Their insults are usually just a reflection of how jealous they are or how insecure they are or they just want attention for some reason because they are miserable. Only miserable people bully others.

[Raziel]

That's why forgiveness is important


Your words are spot on but it's annoying that the word forgiveness is even used in cases like this - we need a new word.

If you steal from a supermarket to feed hungry children, you are taking on the negative to hopefully result in some positive for someone else - forgiveness is reasonable.

If you cause pain for somebody else intentionally, consistently to bring them the same level of suffering you feel: you make them a victim of negative action just because you want to feel powerful - it is you that requires an attitude change. A victim having to forgive to feel the weight of this action lifted doesn't sit well with me at all.

Forgetting often accompanies forgiveness in a sentence & that implies that you just let it go - no caution in the future.

I'm over it, but it is not okay what you did and I won't stand for that happening again.

Exactly - scars heal but they leave a mark somewhere. They are a lesson as I have said elsewhere of a close call.

I imagine Robin Hood jumping backwards "You nearly got me that time" - they didn't do what they set out to do & your not beaten.

That's why I'm a knight!

I battle onward & help where I can, whatever happens I try to be gentle, brave, gallant & bold :icon_salut:

[keokutah]

Your words are spot on but it's annoying that the word forgiveness is even used in cases like this - we need a new word.

If you steal from a supermarket to feed hungry children, you are taking on the negative to hopefully result in some positive for someone else - forgiveness is reasonable.

If you cause pain for somebody else intentionally, consistently to bring them the same level of suffering you feel: you make them a victim of negative action just because you want to feel powerful - it is you that requires an attitude change. A victim having to forgive to feel the weight of this action lifted doesn't sit well with me at all.

Forgetting often accompanies forgiveness in a sentence & that implies that you just let it go - no caution in the future.



Exactly - scars heal but they leave a mark somewhere. They are a lesson as I have said elsewhere of a close call.

I imagine Robin Hood jumping backwards "You nearly got me that time" - they didn't do what they set out to do & your not beaten.

That's why I'm a knight!

I battle onward & help where I can, whatever happens I try to be gentle, brave, gallant & bold :icon_salut:

Yeah, I agree, it also bothers me how they say that you're supposed to be kind and polite to a bully.

I've experienced 2 types of bullies.

Firstly, there are people with anger problems and usually these types of people are drunk or mentally ill or they feel like they have been wronged in some way, and even though their anger and outbursts can become terrifying and super violent, they can usually be disarmed with humour, reason, compassion, understanding, and/or kindness.

But then you have the kind of bullies who are just plain psychopaths, who are deliberately trying to hurt you and there is no reasoning with them because they don't care, no amount of kindness will disarm them, but what is worse, is showing any sign of weakness or kindness will just encourage them to continue to abuse you.

It's sometimes hard to tell the difference between a psychopath and someone with anger problems, plus I think most bullies are psychopaths... so that's why I don't think it's wise to be kind to any bully.

For the longest time I was a push over. I trusted people too easily, gave them my loyalty too easily, and consequently, I got hurt too easily.

When psychopaths bullied me I always tried to reason with them, I always tried to show them how much I was hurting, but that just gave them what they wanted. I used to believe it was wrong to stand up for myself, and that it was wrong to be rude to those who were rude to me.

But when people are going to act like uncivil monkeys, you literally have to treat them like uncivil monkeys.
The world is full of psychopaths right now. They feed off of people who are weaker than them. They aren't interested in picking on people who are more dominant than them. They are like psychic vampires, they can sense when you are vulnerable and insecure.
So really, sometimes when dealing with psycopaths, you do have to be aggressive back and stand your ground, assert your dominance and make it known that you aren't going to tolerate their behaviour and they will not get any emotional response from you. It's hard when you're naturally emotional. I was always an abnormally emotional guy and that's why people picked on me so much.

Most of all, the key to warding off these kinds of bullies is spiritual protection & increasing inner confidence, but I'm not going to lie, I took up body building, gained a lot of mass, only really dumb people want to mess with me now, but unfortunately there's a lot of dumb people too lol. But I also am into martial arts, it makes me more confident that I can hold my own in a fight, in fact I know I will win definitely.

But I'm definitely not nice to people who hurt me when I know I haven't done anything to do deserve it. If they apologize and actually change their behaviors, then I'll gladly forgive them.

[Raziel]

sometimes when dealing with psycopaths, you do have to be aggressive back and stand your ground, assert your dominance and make it known that you aren't going to tolerate their behaviour and they will not get any emotional response from you. It's hard when you're naturally emotional. I was always an abnormally emotional guy and that's why people picked on me so much.

Most of all, the key to warding off these kinds of bullies is spiritual protection & increasing inner confidence, but I'm not going to lie, I took up body building, gained a lot of mass, only really dumb people want to mess with me now, but unfortunately there's a lot of dumb people too lol.

But I'm definitely not nice to people who hurt me when I know I haven't done anything to do deserve it. If they apologize and actually change their behaviors, then I'll gladly forgive them.

I'm not being preachy but that's why I'm a knight of Lenity.

The armour is there for my protection & as a warning to those with a brain that I mean business. The man underneath is gentle, brave, gallant & bold & tries to live as morally as I can. Lenity is kindness but as you say there are two type of bully there are two types of kindness - inward & outward.

Outward kindness is obvious but kindness to yourself is protecting you from the monsters out there. High & mighty people will scoff but someone who wants to hurt you wont stop - why should they. If a tiger attacks why does it do so, you have one chance against an animal unless you can make them think twice.

It isn't spiritual or peaceful to allow yourself to be beaten to death - we live in a world where when violence happens as people we fall to pieces because we are not used to it, but history is not like that it has always been a struggle for survival.

The great quote of "don't end up becoming the monster that you hunt" is very true - that's why it is always necessary to attempt to be a good person but a life of peace is for monks on hilltops or people living in bubbles. If you are faced with violence, threats or abuse wishful thinking doesn't cut it.

I started my "crusade" after having my son, being battle ready but morally a good man seems like a paradox but I don't see it as a choice & it needs pointing out.

I have said in a thread about using fear & anger that it's actually a battle to be a good person everyday if you are up against bad ones. You can only continue to know what is right but it is also foolish to not understand that not everyone cares - they are a different breed.

It is like the walking dead or Van Helsing where they hunger for something that you have - psychic vampires I am pretty sure from experience is one of the best terms. Michael Tsarion (http://www.psychicvampirism.com/) talks at length about them.

I would say, well done for surviving with a soul my friend :cool:

.