I feel like I've lost who I am

[Ljenkins]

Something I have been battling with for quite some time now is feeling like I have totally lost who I am as a person and a loss of my morals.

I remember back when I was 18 in 2008 and even before that I was a very loving, caring person who put unconditional love before anything else and always helped other people and really enjoyed helping. I was more or less just a really happy kid who was really social and loved talking to people and handled social situations really well. I was really into music and listened to it all the time and it was a huge part of who I was. I did eat meat, however if I went a whole day without eating any meat at all I felt proud and felt like it was an accomplishment. I loved who I was.

I went through a rough breakup in 2008 and felt lost after that, I lost a good girlfriend and not having one felt like I had a piece missing from myself. I was in a horrible state of mind after that and was pretty much seeking a relationship from anyone at that point I guess because I missed having a relationship so badly. I eventually met a person on a social networking site via a random friend request and one thing led to another and I got a girlfriend out of it. I think she just wanted a relationship as well and didnt care who it was. It was far from happy, and I was used, abused, and hurt for 3 months that felt like years when I look back at it. While we were together I was doing horrible in school and at work I was doing a very bad job. I became very cold and callous to my family and they did not like having me around anymore. Pretty much this person took the amazing person I was and chewed me up and spit out a pile of ****. This left me in a very dark place and I came out of it with no job because the emotional toll took me from being a top performer to a bottom of the barrel employee and heavy marijuana usage because thats all we would do together unfortunatley. I was never one to want to do drugs before but It just happened. Fortunately that was all I did and never let myself go down the path of the harder things.

We split up in early 2009. After that I was left emotionally and spiritually battered and bruised. I didn't want another girlfriend for a while and I just tried to live my life on my own and on my own terms. From then in 2009 to late 2010 I just lived alone. I lost touch with many of my friends (a large amount of whom I've since reconnected with). I pretty much just sat around smoking pot and just wasted away. I ended up gaining about 100 pounds and didn’t care what I ate and got horribly out of shape. The days just flowed on by and weeks became days to me. It was depressing and I eventually grew tired of it but had no idea how to escape from my self-made prison.
Eventually I grew tired of this and sought out social situations again. I signed up for Facebook ( yeah years late, I know this, I hear about it every day) and a popular dating site (not expecting anything to happen) I ended up meeting someone on said dating site (story is on soulmate / TF forum) and my life changed literally at the blink of an eye. I’m 98% sure this person is my twin and ever since meeting them my life has just improved dramatically. When we are together I don’t feel like I have any flaws and I absolutely love who I am. She’s me if I was born as a girl. But when we aren’t together I still feel a lot like I’m still not quite myself. Sure I am far more social and my family life has improved dramatically, even better than before this all happened, however I still feel like I am missing myself, I guess from being in my self-made prison for so long. I miss being skinny and in shape and I feel emotionally and spiritually burnt out from all I have gone through. My twin and I have a strong connection however she feels the connection far more than I do and I feel that it is part of my emotional burn out. I have lost a lot of my spiritual connections and feel so unconnected to things of spirit and it really hurts. When things happen in life that I should feel excited for I just don’t. I mean yeah, I feel great when nice things happen in life but I don’t appear as happy as I should. I guess the point is I’m emotionally and spiritually burnt out and would like some advice and how to get myself back.

[Silver]

Pretty much this person took the amazing person I was and chewed me up and spit out a pile of ****. This left me in a very dark place and I came out of it with no job because the emotional toll took me from being a top performer to a bottom of the barrel employee and heavy marijuana usage because thats all we would do together unfortunatley. I was never one to want to do drugs before but It just happened. Fortunately that was all I did and never let myself go down the path of the harder things.



It was your choice to allow this person into your life. You allowed this relationship to occur. No one forced themselves on you. It takes two to tango, as they say. I suggest maybe you talk to a counselor. Getting into a group therapy thing recently for me has been surprisingly helpful. You can get to air some grievances in your life, but they also gently get you to take the reins of your life instead of allowing others to have their way with you when it's completely unnecessary for the most part. I wish you good things to come in your life.

[Roselove]

Hi Ljenkins, it sounds like you have expierenced soul loss, sometimes in very codependent or traumatic relationships we can actually loose or give away (sub cons) parts of our soul. Have you ever considered getting a soul retrival? I think that may be beneficial for you

[Ljenkins]

Silver, I don't doubt for a second that it was my choice and mine alone and I hope I didn't come off the wrong way and worded as if I was blaming someone other than myself.

Rose, I have never heard of this before but I am going to look it up right away.

[Graelwyn]

My suggestion is, give yourself time to heal.
Make time each day, to go within yourself and to deal with the negative residue from the experience you had.
It is great you feel flawless when with your girl, but you need to feel that same sense of flawlessness without her as well, or you will find yourself floundering in the future I feel.
You need to work on yourself, on strengthening yourself, so that should things go wrong again, you are not impacted as badly.
And like me, you need to maybe work on learning to let go of the negative, and mentally bring in the positive. I am sure, if you look, you will find some positives in that relationship that you can hold onto. Use the negatives to learn more about yourself.

Because if you were totally secure in your self to begin with, it would not have been able to leave you feeling like a piece of ****, as you put it.
I know because I have been there myself, several times in fact.

You have to do the work on yourself.
And for me, what works best, is sitting in the quiet, and actually meditating on it, and looking within.

[Greenslade]

Hi Ljenkins,

I don't think you've lost who you are, although you may well have lost who you were. It looks as though you've gone through some pretty major Life changes so it's no wonder everything has gone a bit pear-shaped on you. The person you used to be has gone with the wind, we change day-by-day and sometimes more than that.

Like Graelwyn says, give yourself a bit of time to heal because it's not going to happen in the next ten minutes. You could also drop the word 'should', the only way you're supposed to feel right now is the way you do. You're not so bad a person by the sound of it so don't lose sight of that, so the best thing to do is just accept that you're a different person now and move on from there. The thing is LJ, you're recognising things about yourself and you have awareness, that means you have a starting point to work on. You haven't totally lost yourself because you're still there - you always will be. Perhaps this new person in your Life will give you some motivation to change to be the person you want to be, perhaps even be the goal you want to set for yourself. Role models often work.

Take your time, baby steps day-by-day and don't try and make things happen overnight. If it's any consolation, it sounds like you're started back up that ladder. Just keep going and don't let yourself slide.

[Emmalevine]

Sorry you'rre going through this.

I agree with the others that change is tough and hard to adjust to. After spending such a long time alone in difficult circumstances it's natural to feel out of sync. It's totally understandable that you would feel 'lost' and unable to move with the present moment. Do give yourself time, and also time alone in addition to time with your new relationship so that you can get to know yourself again. You should start to feel more integrated but like Greenslade said, its baby steps. If you continue to feel this way it might be helpful for you to talk to a counsellor to try and make peace with the past and bring all parts of you you to where you are today. Take care.

[nventr]

What's done is done. It is now time to bring the scattered pieces of your life back together. Here are some spiritual practices to help you do just that.

1. Be good to yourself. Get enough sleep. Eat healthy. Consider adding more protein into your diet.

2. Make a plan. Where do you want to be? or What do you want to accomplish? Start slow and make a new list for each day. As you get stronger you will be able to forecast out farther like to the end of the week.

3. Study. Learn all the tell tale signs of getting into another similar relationship and avoid people who exhibit these signs like the plague. If you fall down, and you will, don't beat yourself up. Start back at #1.

4. Meditation practice to try. Spend at least 10 minutes imagining that there is a light above your head. Let that light pour into you. It will take time (maybe a year or more), but eventually you should be able to fill your whole body with light. This will bring structure back to your mind so that your emotions cannot drag you around by the nose.

5. Awareness practice. Be in the now. Learn to compartmentalize your thoughts and emotions. Think of what you are doing at this minute and not anything else.

Good Luck! You can do this. Like everyone says, "Baby steps" "Baby Steps"

[Ljenkins]

I appreciate everyone taking the time to read and reply to this!
Getting it off my chest helped a lot and I'm glad I was able to.

Grae, I do think I need to use the negatives to learn more about myself, that part rings so true to me!

Green, you're right, I think I've been focusing on who I was moreso than who I am now and how I can improve myself. The funny thing is, this person is exactly the goal I would like to set for myself. I feel like she is the potential I could become and she is a far, far better person than I was or ever have been.

Star, I've been trying to balance being alone and being with others and alone time definitely helps. Especially to help self reflect and see how how I've progressed.

nventr, those are amazing steps and I can feel that they will help me quite a bit! I think baby steps is the best way to go. Things in life happen in baby steps, so to speak, in my opinion, on this side of life and the other. There is no point in rushing.

Thanks again everyone, it has been such a good help!

[Sozerius]

There are several things going on here that you might find useful to consider.

First of all- you were in a negative place for years. That would form new mental and spiritual patterns that might be hard to come out of. The truth is you have to choose to form new ones- be the person you want to be.

Second- it never feels as good to be out of shape. When you are thinner- your body isn't pulling around extra baggage that literally weighs you down on many fronts. I would suggest exercising- starting wherever you can. And when you feel up to it and you have lost some weight- jog. If you choose to do this don't start too quickly, jogging with too much weight on you could damage your knees, so wait until you feel safe about that. Also- don't just exercise to get off the weight. Hard physical activity stimulates your body in a way that gives you ore energy- and it stimulates your mind in a way that helps you keep in high spirits. Also concerning the weight- often times when people arent active and they eat junk, bacteria builds up in their intestines. I'm sure you can imagine how unhealthy that could be- it can lead to various conditions if it gets out of hand. Stop eating an excess of junk and start drinking a healthy dose of alcohol to stop that. Smoking pot also causes you to gain weight, so you might want to stop that- not to mention that marijuana is typically thought of as a 'downer'. This means that it brings your mood down to a very low, mellow point. If you have been doing it for a long time, the marijuana likely stays in your system. This would also cause you not to be as excited about things as you used to be.

Spiritually- it can be difficult to progress on the road of gaining spiritual connections and ability. You need to get the rest of your life in order before it is even feasable though- unstable emotions make for an unstable spirit that can't build up a strong foundation. Do your best to fix the rest of your life, especially pertaining to your emotions, and then focus on your spirit. =]

As a last note- I would encourage you to be the best that you can be- physically, emotionally, and spiritually, so that you can make this amazing twin of yours happy. There is no reason to settle just because she loves you. Love her back- give her the best that you can. Be the healthiest you can be, heal your emotions and be open so that you can start that process, and stop doing things that cause you to stay in a negative place.

Good luck. =]

[Ljenkins]

Soz,

That has given me a lot of understanding on the situation. I will agree that the new mental and spiritual patterns will be hard to come out of. I feel as if I am making good progress coming out of them, but surely at a slow and steady pace as to not rush myself. Being out of shape really does feel like a drag, both physically and spiritually. I've been improving how I eat and becoming more active and it has been helping. It took many years to establish my spiritual connections and feelings, however I'm sure it will return in time. Thank you for your response, it really helped me to get back on my path.