Destruction

[Horse]

Theres something eating my soul. I can't live with whats happened. I've been here before, and what happened is what I thought I couldn't live with, I repressed from my memory, I lost self awareness, and that opened the door to me going down a life path that led to something infinitely worse. I'm turned away from myself now, so I don't care if what I'm saying now harms anyone. I'm just not feeling it. Not caring about anyone or anything. Especially not myself. All hope is lost, the universe is evil, or at least this world is. Theres nothing to live for, let it all burn. I hate myself and I hate the world.

I love humanity and wish only good upon all other beings, my heart fills up with love as I speak these words and I'm truly grateful to be alive. I want to shower the world with loving kindness. I don't know why I'm writing this but I just burst into tears of love. I don't know what just happened but this is post 333. Infinite love and compassion to all sentient beings.

[Silver]

You seem to be coloring a neutral thing 'bad'. Buddha taught us that all things are impermanent. If you think about it, this is true! You know that old saying about 'In another 100 years, who's gonna care?' It's sorta like that. And it's not that we don't care (or you), it's just nothing new under the sun kinda deal. I hope you can come around to seeing that your worries are not worth the psychic energy you're assigning them. Best of luck, Horse. (I love horses btw...I used to own one in the mid-80's.)

[A human Being]

I'm confused, did you have an awakening mid-post? :confused:

[Baile]

All hope is lostNow if you truly felt that, you wouldn't be creating these threads and talking about it, would you? You'd have given up! :smile: I've read your other posts. You should get out of that relationship with your old girlfriend and her partner. Threesomes and all the weird and tense energy you described... that'll mess with your mind big time. Really, it sounds like you should grab your pack-sack and go on a journey, someplace in the world you've never been, a whole new experience. It will clear you mind and give you a new life perspective.

[Shivani Devi]

I'm confused, did you have an awakening mid-post? :confused:
So, I'm not the only one then who notices the disparity between 'hating the world/themselves' and 'loving mankind'.

Usually a catharsis can lead to epiphany mid post - it's been known to happen...

[shoni7510]

I was left in wonder as to what the post is all about.

[Baile]

Horse, reading your other thread again... this is all about relationship regret, isn't it? It's killing you that you let her go. I've been there myself, exact same situation, minus moving in with them. Stop wallowing and start acting, that's the tough love answer. Tell her you want a relationship with her, just the two of you, happily ever after etc. That or nothing. Then let her decide. Her answer will be your answer. Yes and you're together again. No and you can let her go and move on.

Oh and her answer was no. I was crushed, but moved on and have had a fantastic life. Time heals everything.

[Horse]

So, I'm not the only one then who notices the disparity between 'hating the world/themselves' and 'loving mankind'.

Usually a catharsis can lead to epiphany mid post - it's been known to happen...

It seems like acknowledging this self hatred and hatred for the world, it let gave permission for some forgiveness to happen. I was feeling the love for the rest of the day. Now I'm back to feeling crushed by pain. The situation is bad because I repressed my emotions since I was 14. Now I'm 31 and they've built up so much that I'm like a pressure cooker about to explode. I don't think this is anything abnormal either, I think a large percentage of humanity is like this, but many people carry this psychic baggage in from previous lifetimes so they're born with repressed darkness, whereas with me, I was born really sensitive hence why I'm way more aware than your average repressed numb person. But then again, I only really started waking up 2 years ago. A bit of a dark coincidence that I wake up when its too late. But this is life I suppose, I'm not special, theres no reason I should sail through life free from struggle when most people endure a lot of struggle throughout their lives. I had it hard in the beginning, being so sensitive, but the last 10 years were easy, really easy. I was on drugs the whole time, and hadn't much worries. Hence why I hate myself, I should have used the past 10 years to help humanity, but instead I used them to destroy myself.

Horse, reading your other thread again... this is all about relationship regret, isn't it? It's killing you that you let her go. I've been there myself, exact same situation, minus moving in with them. Stop wallowing and start acting, that's the tough love answer. Tell her you want a relationship with her, just the two of you, happily ever after etc. That or nothing. Then let her decide. Her answer will be your answer. Yes and you're together again. No and you can let her go and move on.

Oh and her answer was no. I was crushed, but moved on and have had a fantastic life. Time heals everything.

Its that, but on a way deeper level, a whole deeper dimension. This isn't just some relationship. Extreme synchronicity from both sides brought us together, I experienced visions of our souls merging and experienced temporary enlightenment, I was no longer just male, her spirit was fused together with mine so I was both male and female, and this all happened from a distance, we had parted ways for our own countries. Whats crushing me is she wants to be with me, shes not fully compatible with her partner, whereas we come together in perfect unison. Whats crushing my soul is I let the darkness in years ago, and now its surfaced and has dragged me down into a deep depression, so I can't be anything to her in this state.

And I would never, not in a million years tell her to leave this person, I would never inflict that kind of pain on anyone, thats the whole point, societies ways are evil, love should not be bound and constricted, it should be free and open, hence why I'd been insisting right from the beginning that we should drop societies **, and the 3 of us can be together. She thought it would never work because he'd never go for it. But I'm pretty sure it would work, it would just take a big compromise on his part. If it became weird, maybe bringing in a second female would make it less weird, I don't know, theres always a way. But thats not possible anymore because I've dropped too low.

So yes and no, its about her, its about me, its about good and evil, heaven and hell, angels and demons. Her answer would be yes, but I need to work on myself heavily, and she needs security, and all these things I can't provide if I'm full of energy parasites, demons or whatever the hell this is. I was thinking that if the 3 of us are together, then he can provide what I can't and vice versa, but I've fallen so low that I don't feel like I have anything to give at all, and its deeply unfair to her because she met me during that temporary enlightenment phase, so to her meeting me was a dream come true. I have to live with that on my conscience. I opted out of life years ago, some trauma turned me away from myself. Little did I know I'd spiritually unify with a soulmate. Well actually I was told by a psychic this would happen. She told me the whole outcome of my life too if I stayed on the path of self destruction I was on. I met her at the exact time the psychic said I would.

Whether time heals depends on the path you're on, if you're on a path of destruction then time destroys. All I need to do is heal from this depression, then all is well. But is it possible? I don't know. Her last words to me which were a few hours ago were "I LOVE YOU!!!!!". So from an external perspective, it all looks good. But inside, it doesn't look so good. My own words to myself inside would be "I HATE YOU!!!!!". And my words to her are "I LOVE YOU!!!!!". So its a pretty extreme play of duality happening inside me. Love and hate, good and evil, heaven and hell, Boddhisattvas and demons, sensitivity and numbness, consciousness and unconsciousness, awakening and sleeping, being showered with universal love and compassion, and going through exorcisms darker than anything imagineable. Horror films about evil spirits used to terrify me, but actually living the horrors, I'm not feeling any fear. Suppressing the fear suppresses everything else too. Thats the issue here, I've repressed the fear.

[Baile]

And I would never, not in a million years tell her to leave this person, I would never inflict that kind of pain on anyoneNoble for sure. But you are not telling her or forcing her, you are making your position clear and letting her freely decide. Two different things.its about her, its about me, its about good and evil, heaven and hell, angels and demons.Sounds like it's about love and forgiving yourself Brother.All I need to do is heal from this depression, then all is well. But is it possible? I don't know.Yes! I know.

[Glacier Serenade]

And I would never, not in a million years tell her to leave this person, I would never inflict that kind of pain on anyone, thats the whole point, societies ways are evil, love should not be bound and constricted, it should be free and open, hence why I'd been insisting right from the beginning that we should drop societies **, and the 3 of us can be together. She thought it would never work because he'd never go for it. But I'm pretty sure it would work, it would just take a big compromise on his part. If it became weird, maybe bringing in a second female would make it less weird, I don't know, theres always a way. But thats not possible anymore because I've dropped too low.Good point. It takes a lot of empathy to not consider breaking up an already formed relationship even if you feel that you could "love them better" or that you feel, or she feels "more compatible".

I love your discussion on love being more than just 2 parties though <3 but yes, very few people agree with that perspective. I personally do not know how love on a romantic scale would work with 4 or more people though, as I would think it might sort of "split up" into two couples and the more parties there are, the more "divided" the romantic feelings are and meaning that each party would have a smaller amount of romantic love shared with each other than a couple, who would give ALL of their loving self to the other, but 3 could work, especially when the existence of "love triangles" is concerned and all 3 parties agree to be in a 3 way romantic relationship.

[Horse]

.Sounds like it's about love and forgiving yourself Brother.

Most definitely, thats what its all about. Thats what the spiritual path is always about isn't it. Self forgiveness and love. Only through forgiveness can our inner darkness come into the light. I have a huge amount of inner darkness. What happened yesterday when I wrote this post was some of it coming into the light it seems. I need to let go of hope, hope is the trap that keeps us attached to time, always looking to the future for salvation instead of checking to see whats already here and now. I feel it up in my chest. Its in the heart I'm carrying the darkness. Its got to do with compassion and its polar opposite.

[Baile]

I need to let go of hope, hope is the trap that keeps us attached to timeI don't hope, I don't have faith. I absolutely KNOW I'm an eternal being. I KNOW life is a miraculous gift. I KNOW spirit is a benevolent force. No hope required. Just know it. It frees you up to get on with loving yourself and life, puts an end to disempowerment thoughts and fears.

[shivatar]

Theres something eating my soul. I can't live with whats happened. I've been here before, and what happened is what I thought I couldn't live with, I repressed from my memory, I lost self awareness, and that opened the door to me going down a life path that led to something infinitely worse. I'm turned away from myself now, so I don't care if what I'm saying now harms anyone. I'm just not feeling it. Not caring about anyone or anything. Especially not myself. All hope is lost, the universe is evil, or at least this world is. Theres nothing to live for, let it all burn. I hate myself and I hate the world.

I love humanity and wish only good upon all other beings, my heart fills up with love as I speak these words and I'm truly grateful to be alive. I want to shower the world with loving kindness. I don't know why I'm writing this but I just burst into tears of love. I don't know what just happened but this is post 333. Infinite love and compassion to all sentient beings.

sounds like a bi polar episode. First you're all one thing, the next second you're in an uncontrollable mood swing at the opposite end of the spectrum.

[Baile]

Whether time heals depends on the path you're on, if you're on a path of destruction then time destroys.Unless you personally are currently addicted to drugs and are robbing pharmacies to feed your habit, then I really have to ask: Why so serious? You're healthy. You have internet access so you're not destitute. I assume you type all this from the warmth of your room and home, wherever that is. Yet you paint the world as some kind of living hell. Get out of your head and stop imagining the worst. Take a look around you, at the real world and all the good things you've got going for you. Start putting some positive thoughts and energy into appreciating what you do have. Unless this is a result of depression, in which case do something about it. Seek counselling for example. It worked for me years ago.

[Shivani Devi]

To nobody in particular...

I would hazard a guess that about 90% of people who say they are 'spiritual' have some kind of underlying mental health problem.

I would also hazard a guess that about 50% of people who say they are 'spiritual' are taking some kind of illicit drug.

Just personal observations not based on any scientific fact, but they should do a study of this.

[Shivani Devi]

Also, to nobody in particular...

Why should I be happy for those things I have when I could have way better?

Sometimes, I'd rather do without and be grateful for nothing than to show gratitude for whatever crumbs the universe decides I 'deserve'. I would rather have NOTHING and I often give it all away and so I DO have nothing. It's much preferable.

I cannot understand how some people will buy a sub-par, generic product to 'save money' when if they spent a few dollars more, they could get a better product that lasted twice as long...but oh no, they see the price tag and it immediately becomes 'too expensive' and then they whine and complain bitterly a few months later that the item they paid 'good money for' is now broken...all I can do is sigh and sometimes I'll just lose it and call them an effing idiot.

So, yeah I have a roof overhead, food, internet and whatever...and I could compare myself to a starving Ethiopian, or I could compare myself to about 80% of the developed world who are WAY 'better off' than I am...

There are people better and worse off...so making any type of comparison or being grateful for what I have doesn't work because it always leaves me feeling 'left out' feeling like I am 'missing something' and feeling like I 'want more' so this doesn't work, it's the unique way my brain has been wired, which is totally opposite and almost a backwards reflection to how a normal/neurotypical brain is.

Put it this way, Horse....if you had to deal with what I have to, you wouldn't be grateful to be you, you'd be fearful thinking 'thank Christ I'm NOT Necro' so you can take some solace in that.

I'd rather all my limbs be chopped off...be 'boxed'...be physically disabled rather than emotionally disabled.

[Baile]

Sometimes, I'd rather do without and be grateful for nothing than to show gratitude for whatever crumbs the universe decides I 'deserve'.Do you think the universe dictates what we deserve, or do we dictate that ourselves? For me, the thought of a universe that dictates anything, is akin to belief in a God who looks down from on high and decides whether we go to heaven or hell. And maybe (?) it depends on what one's idea of crumbs is. I wake up, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, I'm healthy, I'm sane... are these crumbs, or are they unfathomable miracles and blessings?

[Shivani Devi]

Do you think the universe dictates what we deserve, or do we dictate that ourselves? For me, the thought of a universe that dictates anything, is akin to belief in a God who looks down from on high and decides whether we go to heaven or hell. And maybe (?) it depends on what one's idea of "crumbs" is. I wake up, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, I'm healthy, I'm sane... are these crumbs, or are they unfathomable miracles and blessings?...or are they just symptomatic of existing in this world, no more or less?

We cannot dictate what we deserve for one simple reason - what if there is only one thing, yet two people believe they 'deserve it' so who really deserves it?

[Baile]

...or are they just symptomatic of existing in this world, no more or less?But that's my point. If my life is a miracle, then miracles exist and I even experience miracles. If I think life is nothing at all really, then my life and what happens in my life, reflects that belief. That's what I would suggest, why I say we dictate our reality.

[Shivani Devi]

But that's my point. If my life is a miracle, then miracles exist and I even experience miracles. If I think life is nothing at all really, then my life and what happens in my life, reflects that belief. That's what I would suggest, why I say we dictate our reality.Yet, they still exist, if you believe it is a 'miracle' or 'not miracle'. If you see a bird...you will go "oh, what a miraculous bird"...it's still the same bird that those who do not believe in miracles sees.

I'm still perplexed...one indivisible, unshareable item...two people who believe they are entitled to have it, who believe they are the most deserving of it...who gets to decide who is the most entitled to have it? Who is to say who is the most deserving of it if both parties each say that they are? Is it thus the one who kills the other is the most deserving then?

[Baile]

Yet, they still exist, if you believe it is a 'miracle' or 'not miracle'. If you see a bird...you will go "oh, what a miraculous bird"...it's still the same bird that those who do not believe in miracles sees.If I look at life and see love and miracles and blessings, my life will be full of love and miracles and blessings. If I look at life and see a kind of nihilistic nothing - empty and void and meaningless - my life will be empty and void and meaningless. The point I am making is no more complicated than that.

[Shivani Devi]

If I look at life and see love and miracles and blessings, my life will be full of love and miracles and blessings. If I look at life and see a kind of nihilistic nothing - empty and void and meaningless - my life will be empty and void and meaningless. The point I am making is no more complicated than that.Fair enough and good for you. :smile:

It's just for some of us, the meaningless void came first and established itself in such a way there could be no 'miracle'.

It's just for some of us, the only way we could ever be happy, would be to have a total frontal lobotomy.

Some of us have experienced way too much pain, suffering and heartbreak in ONE lifetime to last for a hundred.

Most of the time, it comes from something we don't even bloody remember doing many lifetimes ago, so I ask you how is that fair? It's like 'the sins of the fathers'.

I get your point, but you are privileged and not everybody can reach the point of being able to totally ignore all of life's s***ty bits the way you have. I wish I was like you, but can never be.

I do not know how to even have ONE single, positive thought about anything and it's something that cannot be taught, spoken about and nobody can say to me "here's how ya do it" because even THAT requires a positive thought, do you see?

I cannot do it! I cannot 'think positive' it's totally impossible for me, even if that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, I just cannot help it! and nobody can show me how or teach me how because they come from a 'positive mindset' to do it, so it doesn't work, you see?

The only way out is electro-convulsive shock therapy, but I can't find a doctor willing to do that to me...heck, they don't even think I am depressed...what do I have to do to be 'depressed'? would a few failed suicide attempts do it? I must ask the doctors what I need to do to be depressed so I can do it and then get the diagnosis...

Yeah, I hate my life, but to think I have any control over it is totally laughable.

[Shivani Devi]

One thing...because my mind is incapable of experiencing positive thoughts, only negative ones, there's no concept, no framework at all here to 'change my thinking'...so the very next best thing to do, if I don't want to be negative anymore is to totally lose my thinking and this is what I have been working on.

As a child, I rarely spoke, because it was drummed into me "If you cannot say anything 'nice' don't say anything at all", so I became mute.

However, it's also "If you can't think anything "nice" don't think anything at all"...and what a bloody bonus that is in meditation!

[Glacier Serenade]

To nobody in particular...

I would hazard a guess that about 90% of people who say they are 'spiritual' have some kind of underlying mental health problem.

I would also hazard a guess that about 50% of people who say they are 'spiritual' are taking some kind of illicit drug.

Just personal observations not based on any scientific fact, but they should do a study of this.Good point. I would say science backs this up. For example, autistic people struggle a lot with social situations but their brain often sort of "balances" things out by giving them strengths in other areas where "normal" people may usually not be as strong in. I am one of those people and I have realised that spirituality is the way to go for me and would help me with being fully content in life and my way of thinking does help me with that a lot. I am very empathic and I have a very open mind with things too which can be beneficial for certain things :wink: