Can self hatred be transformed?

[Horse]

I messed up really badly, and I am not so okay with myself right now. I'm feeling great sadness in my heart, I can barely breathe, I've been taking medications in order to be able to function and this is making it much, much worse, because if I damage myself even more, then I have more weight on my conscience. I don't know what to do. Its got to the point where, my eyes roll back into my head regularly, like I'm drowning in sorrow. I repressed my emotions since I was a kid, and thats the source of the self hatred, I turned away from my innate sensitivity but it didn't go away so tremendous sadness, pain and fear built up below the level of my conscious awareness. Its like a pressure cooker about to explode. I don't know what to do, I want to cry it all out, but I don't know how. I'm in love with someone, and she loves me too, and I want to help her in any way I can, but the uncertainty, the idea that I might not be able to is tearing me apart. If I fall apart now, I can't help. If I pull myself together, then I can REALLY HELP. I have skills, knowledge, abilities, family and will soon have money, but something is eating me up inside. Its a psychic vision that showed me that if I made a choice, it would mean that her life dream won't happen. My mother dropped a bombshell on me and told me she hadn't been sleeping with worry and wanted me to come home. Going home was the decision I was warned about. I caved into the pressure, and went home. I have not been the same since, I thought maybe the psychic vision was just in my head, maybe it wasn't real, but after making the decision, I hate myself just like the vision told me I would. Its really horrific, the worst thing that could ever happen. I feel like a devil, a demon, like I deserve to go to hell. Its not just this one decision, its a series of accidents and bad choices that led up to it, and followed it.

I really hope to God I haven't hurt her, I hurt my family and I hate myself so much more for that. It feels like I need to vomit it out, but I can't. All this can be redeemed if I get well, but then again I don't know, is that psychic vision absolute, unchangeable fate, or can it be changed. My greatest desire is to see all beings free from suffering, but I've caused more suffering than I've alleviated, and how can I ever forgive myself for that? I told her about the vision and she cried. I love her so much, but my unconsciousness is a threat to her and everyone around me. I feel like I should have died before this series of events happened, then I wouldn't have died evil, and the pain caused to my loved ones would be less. I never did any of this intentionally, my intentions have always been good, but I let parts of me go unconscious in order to avoid pain and suffering, and these unconscious parts of me have come back to haunt me.

Writing this has got some of the weight off my chest, and I feel some love there in its place, but my God, this is worse than my worst nightmare because its not just me that gets hurt by this, people I'm connected to get hurt. I've done some heroic things to help others, but letting myself cave in under pressure is anti heroic, and to look at my life as a whole, I don't know what I am, its like I'm good and evil. I'm surrounding by sacred, loving beings, what the hell have I done. Nobody needs to respond to this, if anyone with psychic intuition wants to look deeply into this situation, feel free, and anything you say about it, is much appreciated. I can't describe it, this person is so kind, compassionate, loving, wise, and she is more than anything I could have ever dreamed if I ever dreamed of having a loving connection with someone outside my biological family (which I haven't). She had a partner when we first met, and she was contemplating leaving him to be with me, but neither of us could live with that on our conscience, I said from the beginning, that we should drop the societal programming and the two of us can be with her. She said he would never go for that.

This weekend I met her physically, for the first time since we first met and the long distance loving connection formed. I met her with her partner. I don't know if this was good or bad. It feels bad. The tension between her partner and me dissolved pretty quickly when he saw what kinda person I am, but I feel there could be some painful emotions connected to this. She kept telling me, this trip isn't about her and me, its about me and her partner connecting. I thought this would just inevitably go well because my intentions are really pure in this respect, but I don't know how well it went. All I know is I have deep respect for him, I trust him and recognise hes a deeply good person and hes good to her. I can pick up that he trusts I'm good to her, and also picked up, that if I wasn't, he would kill me. They've already planned a trip for me to visit their country, where we'll do something that'll let us get to know each other on a deep level. But this trip to my country, it felt bad.

He told me he only picks up good energy from me, everyone tells me that, but I don't feel like I have good energy right now, it feels dark. She loves me unconditionally so only sees the good in me. And thats exactly how I feel about her, I love her "bad" sides, I love everything about her. We connected in the most epic, crazy, synchronous way, it was no coincidence, unseen forces made it happen. How could I bring darkness to such a sacred being.

[Silver]

Horse said, "something is eating me up inside. Its a psychic vision that showed me that if I made a choice, it would mean that her life dream won't happen. My mother dropped a bombshell on me and told me she hadn't been sleeping with worry and wanted me to come home. Going home was the decision I was warned about. I caved into the pressure, and went home. I have not been the same since, I thought maybe the psychic vision was just in my head, maybe it wasn't real, but after making the decision, I hate myself just like the vision told me I would. Its really horrific, the worst thing that could ever happen. I feel like a devil, a demon, like I deserve to go to hell. Its not just this one decision, its a series of accidents and bad choices that led up to it, and followed it."

Am sure you have real reasons for feeling it was a mistake (besides the vision), but you can always move back out at some point. You'd do well to develop your abilities to make wise choices in your life, and you can only do that through experience. Do you judge others and beat them up - figuratively speaking - for their 'bad' choices? Doing it to yourself won't help.

[shivatar]

It sounds like you are a young person whose lost in their thoughts. I guarantee that you don't have a special ability where your thoughts are perfect or even strongly accurate (if they were you wouldn't be facing such indecision and confusion). Knowing that your thoughts are just average thoughts and not such perfect observations as they seem, would you still spend so much time analyzing them? If you knew some of your thoughts were mistakes of observation would you still spend so much time analyzing something that was incorrect, only to draw an incorrect conclusion?

U in analysis paralysis. Time to let go of the over-thinking.

Spend your time doing something, acting, not just spinning your wheels by thinking. Be afraid of sitting on your butt and doing nothing, not doing something and making a mistake. In one way everything is a mistake, but once we know the lesson within the mistake it becomes a teacher. it's just in the beginning we feel its a mistake because the unwanted pain it causes, once we see the lesson and learn it we feel relieved and unburdened.

---

My greatest desire is to see all beings free from suffering, but I've caused more suffering than I've alleviated, and how can I ever forgive myself for that?


Well it's called unconditional forgiveness because there doesn't need to be a rational reason. We just do it. You should practice on your self first, if you can't unconditionally forgive yourself you'll never be able to do it for someone else.

Another thing you can do is take some of the pressure off yourself. If you aim to climb Everest in a day and only make it 1,000 feet you're going to feel like a failure even if you did the maximum any human could do in a day. If you want to save the world and can't even protect your self or loved ones, you're going to feel like a failure. The pressure of that feeling makes it exponentially harder to accomplish protecting our self or loved ones.

Let yourself get some air to breathe and space to think by unburdening yourself from these great obligations you've placed on yourself. You enjoy seeing yourself as someone who would do those things, and you hate when you try but are unable to live up to your greatest desires and dreams. The only way to actually accomplish such things is to let go of the desire, but keep trying, and be satisfied with whatever level of accomplishment we reach.

[shivatar]

And yes hatred can be transformed.

It's not what arises in us that matters, it's what we let out into the world.

example.

If I was a devil but I never let my evil out into the world then I would be an angel in a devil costume. It's only inside the costume that I see the truth of my existence, that not everything can be let loose on the world, but everyone else just sees what I do let loose and they think I'm an angel.

Another way of saying it is I'm just a devil, there is no angel costume. But because I never carry out hateful actions or let my anger destroy others it's as if I were an angel. My actions say angel. My thoughts say devil. etc.

I can't really control my thoughts, just suggest to them, but I can control my actions. I still don't have an answer to who am I, angel or devil, but I'm past caring about it anymore so that's some kind of small victory. If all my actions say angel but my heart says devil, then I don't really care if I'm a devil or not. I was born this way but I choose to be angelic.

[vespa68]

I think you just need to understand yourself better. Your intentions are good and that is the most important part. Try to meditate and connect to your heart again!

[linen53]

I used to be hard on myself until I learned not to judge myself for what I did in ignorance.

I have a saying: I did the best I could (back then) with the knowledge I had at the time.

You can't go back. All you can do is accept who you are, accept what you have done, learn from your mistakes and do better in the future.

That's why we are here having the human experience: to learn.

[Horse]

Horse said, "something is eating me up inside. Its a psychic vision that showed me that if I made a choice, it would mean that her life dream won't happen. My mother dropped a bombshell on me and told me she hadn't been sleeping with worry and wanted me to come home. Going home was the decision I was warned about. I caved into the pressure, and went home. I have not been the same since, I thought maybe the psychic vision was just in my head, maybe it wasn't real, but after making the decision, I hate myself just like the vision told me I would. Its really horrific, the worst thing that could ever happen. I feel like a devil, a demon, like I deserve to go to hell. Its not just this one decision, its a series of accidents and bad choices that led up to it, and followed it."

Am sure you have real reasons for feeling it was a mistake (besides the vision), but you can always move back out at some point. You'd do well to develop your abilities to make wise choices in your life, and you can only do that through experience. Do you judge others and beat them up - figuratively speaking - for their 'bad' choices? Doing it to yourself won't help.

There were two dream visions. I recognise the psychic ones. This was the worst decision of my life. And after it, I made another bad choice (stopped exercising regularly, this means symbolically that I dishonoured her because she inspired me to quit drugs and get into a healthy lifestyle), and that created much more pain and self hatred, and I had a dream vision one night, I woke up, and the message was that I failed her, and that my new emotional state is the result of failing the biggest test in my life. And that emotional change did happen, I got blocked in the heart. Its full of sadness now. This isn't your typical bad choice. This was the biggest test of my life. I was half way through my Saturn return. Demons were attacking me and trying to drag me down, and my energy dropped so low, I couldn't feel anything. But I could have perservered, and it wasn't difficult, I could have done it easily. If I could believe these visions were just in my head, and they're not definite, set in stone, fate, that would life all this weight off me, but I saw what I saw. And its playing out just like what I saw. Admittedly, it was the vision itself that played a huge role in why it played out like that. It took away my hope that I could unify with her.

[Silver]

There were two dream visions. I recognise the psychic ones. This was the worst decision of my life. And after it, I made another bad choice (stopped exercising regularly, this means symbolically that I dishonoured her because she inspired me to quit drugs and get into a healthy lifestyle), and that created much more pain and self hatred, and I had a dream vision one night, I woke up, and the message was that I failed her, and that my new emotional state is the result of failing the biggest test in my life. And that emotional change did happen, I got blocked in the heart. Its full of sadness now. This isn't your typical bad choice. This was the biggest test of my life. I was half way through my Saturn return. Demons were attacking me and trying to drag me down, and my energy dropped so low, I couldn't feel anything. But I could have perservered, and it wasn't difficult, I could have done it easily. If I could believe these visions were just in my head, and they're not definite, set in stone, fate, that would life all this weight off me, but I saw what I saw. And its playing out just like what I saw. Admittedly, it was the vision itself that played a huge role in why it played out like that. It took away my hope that I could unify with her.

It's my belief, Horse, that this language you 'see' Life in, is actually symbolic in nature. They stand for things (these images you see in your mind's eye) are not what they seem - iow, NOT really spiritual, necessarily. You're very young to have these be the worst choices you've made. I don't know where you picked up these ideas about demons and all that, but IT is dragging you down - using these images to flesh out your life.

[-NorthernLights-]

I'm only going to respond to the thread title itself.

Yes it can be transformed. You have to gradually and increasingly consciously connect with your higher nature - the aspect of 'self' which exists above and independent of that which you are hating & rejecting. Really it's about expanding your state of awarenes to the extent that you begin seeing the 'bigger picture' and perceiving beyond your former limited (limiting) perspective which was causing you to identify strongly with that which you hate/reject.

Let me give you a simple example of what I'm conveying here. Let's say an individual hates his/her body, or some feature/aspect of his/her body - and this yields a strong sense of self-rejection because this individual is operating with the (limited) awareness that he/she IS the physical body, that it's his/her actual identity (sense of self). Well if this person were to gradually and increasingly expand his/her awareness and integrate the understanding and perception that he/she actually exists above and independent of the physical body (physical identity) - then over time his/her identification with the body will significantly lessen and so will that former sense of self-rejection because the individual will increasingly realize (become aware) that he/she is not the physical body... Does that make sense? Here is another example - let's say an individual's awareness is such that he/she believes that this current human lifetime is the foundation of his/her existence and literally accounts for everything. Well let's say there is a very undesirable event or experience that transpires and the individual becomes so fixated on and preoccupied with this experience that it dominates his/her self-image and leads to a very negative & unhealthy sense of self (identity). Now what if this same individual begins to open up to and adopt a spiritual awareness whereby there is a perception and understanding that this current human lifetime (experience) is just one among many and that the foundation of one's existence does not rest solely with this individual lifetime. This is a game-changer because over time the individual realizes that all of his/her eggs are not in just one basket (this human lifetime), and therefore there will no longer be a dysfunctional over-emphasis placed on the individual details/occurrences/experiences of this current lifetime. A broader awareness and perception is integrated and this enables individuals to move forward and past their former mindset/perspective which was restricting them and holding them back.

I know that what I'm suggesting is not easy to do and does not happen over night. It was like the challenge of a lifetime for me (transforming self-rejection). But you can accomplish this, you just have to keep plugging away at it and do not stop. Dig deep within yourself and find the higher nature (higher aspect) of 'you' which exists above that which you have become preoccupied with and have been limiting your perception to fixate on. Find and connect with what lies beyond - and keep returning back to this awareness and perception. You have to gradually integrate this broader more expansive awareness and that only comes through continuing to direct conscious energy in this direction.

[Glacier Serenade]

Yes it can, with the right will power and positive energy. Sure, no one is perfect and there are those who REALLY understand that, like me, as I go through (usually social) problems daily and sometimes it can stress me out a lot. Also, I realise I am an empath but there are times where I am too lazy or have selfish moments and I question why, and if I really am an empath, or if there's certain things stopping me from true empathy. But I categorise that more as self dissapointment than hatred.

[A human Being]

U in analysis paralysis.
Oh that's good, I'm definitely stealing that :laughing11:

To the OP, I would say try not to take your thoughts too seriously and instead bring your attention to the underlying feelings :smile: