any advice on a relationship of convenience? [Archive]

View Full Version : any advice on a relationship of convenience?

Ronin

11-02-2011, 03:58 PM

I have been with my boyfriend since I was 15 years old. The first couple years were very much (and shamefully) full of drugs. I thought it was "love". Two years into the relationship I had my first son (age 17) and got my GED. After a year we bought our own house 35 miles away from all friends and family. I tried convincing myself this was going to work but slowly I'm wearing thin. After a year in this house we had my second son. Since then I have grown more and more distent from my boyfriend.
We have been together seven years and I feel like he is more of a room mate or brother than anything else. We have nothing in common. All he wants is his dinner and to talk about work. I mean don't get me wrong.. ill listen to how your day went but come on! Every. Single. Conversation. He has no depth, no intelect.. NOTHING. Most nights we don't say but two words and they are usually its your turn to do the dishes.
I have been a stay at home mom since the first born and honestly I'm bored to tears. I'm a little jealous of the fact he has the rest of his life laid out infront of him and I m not getting the chance to even start school because he's not willing to compromise (and trust me he's working with his families company and can flex his hours!). Sometimes I wonder if he's not trying to keep me caged in because he's scared I'm going to find something better than cleaning his house and cooking his food. I feel wasted. Everyone around me sees how depressed I'm becoming doesn't really know what to tell me.
Some days I feel like giving his part custody (since he makes all the money and has flexible hours and the family support) and starting on my own life away from him. I just don't feel like he's ever going to let me get anything done. Honestly if it wasn't for the kids I would have been done YEARS ago.
This past year has been super bad. I gained 10lbs (lost it all now) and these past couple months the only reason I get out of bed is to get my son ready for school then right back in till lunch time and I just get up to make my son lunch. How can I be a happy mother feeling like this?! Away from him and out of the house I am back to my normal cheery self. Friends have even commented they like me better away from my boyfriend.
I don't want to paint him under a bad image. He's nice and let's me have some stuff I want but he's always watching like he's jealous about something. Everynight when he comes home he gets so mad if I ask him to do something with the kids.. like I haven't been all day everyday for the past 5 years?!?!

Sigh...
I just can't leave because if I leave with the children there is no way I can work go to school and pay for daycare. If I leave without them and get them everyother weekend I can go to school and work and possibly save some money BUT be looked down upon by society for "abandoning" my kids. And if I. Do stay I have to wait and wait unhappy and is thateven really healthy to put your kids through? I'm turning bitter hearted and angry at everything. I know relationships go through rough patches but how do you decide a rough patch vs. It being over?

Sorry to vent. Just no one to talk to.

lanbee

11-02-2011, 05:50 PM

I'm not one to give you the answer but I wanted to tell you that Ive been in the same boat for nearly 14 years now. (one child) I recently found out my husband has been less than faithful after beleiving that this was "just the way our marriage worked." NOT that it's happening at your house but, I also felt like I was being trapped in. No excitement, just mom stuff. Don't get me wrong, I love to do things with my daughter. I just accepted that was my role but I should have paid more attention to other things. I didn't want to feel like I didn't trust him. That can make you sick. I had let it go and I guess I shouldn't have. Just letting you know that I know how you feel.:hug:

equuslife

11-02-2011, 06:13 PM

I have been in a similar situation for a very long time. It is a paradox.

I will tell you this though. Should you ever decide to pick up your purse and simply walk out one day for good, do not look back. No one who understands your situation would blame you, nor should you think any less of yourself for having the courage to take care of yourself.

I freed myself from this bondage and then forgot all the reasons why I left. I erroneously looked back over my shoulder and it drew me back in to the very vortex I struggled so hard to free myself from.

I am now back, in hell, trapped again, with the memory of freedom and having my own identity again now lost to me forever.

tragblack

11-02-2011, 06:16 PM

equuslife, is freedom really gone from you forever? You had the balls to do it once, you can do it again.

equuslife

11-02-2011, 06:21 PM

tragblack: What you say gives me hope that one day I will find another way. But for now, I am tired.

lanbee

11-02-2011, 06:27 PM

tragblack: What you say gives me hope that one day I will find another way. But for now, I am tired.
Ah...that's the word I used. TIRED. I'm just trying to "be still" for a minute. :wink:

tragblack

11-02-2011, 06:28 PM

Enjoy the stillness. It is good for you. It vibrates with healing.

Ronin

11-02-2011, 09:40 PM

Thanks guys.. Its nice to know you arent the only one who feels this way.
I talked to my sister earlier and she seems to think I should be punished for a "mistake" I made when I was 17.
IDK she just thinks its ****** of me to "walk out" on my kids.. Like its tearing the family apart. But whats worse? Showing your kids this is what "love and relationships" are about or maybe getting that real chance later in life??

I think Ive just decided to stick with my original plan. Start online classes for now and stay on a steady corse for the next two years. I hate to use my boyfriend and feel guilty but Ive got to do whats best for my children and I.
Swallowing my pride for awhile is just going to have to be.

pirrurris

21-02-2011, 11:57 PM

Why don't
you try to find the head quarters for migrant workers, from what I understand they charge you according to your wages. I do not know much about it but look under migrant workers child care head quarters.

Gem

22-02-2011, 12:12 AM

ToltecWarrior

25-02-2011, 12:24 AM

dear sarah,

I really feel for you in your situation. i do know what it feels like to feel trapped. but on the positive side you have some wonderful children and a comfortable home. and i think you can give your boyfriend some credit for providing you with everything that he does. relashionships are tough but pehaps you could improve your relshionship with yor boyfriend by letting him know that you appreciate all his hard work to keep food on the table. perhaps you could start by listening intentivly to what he has to say about work. i get the feeling that you are not really interested in your boyfriends battles and deep down this is probably what frustrates him. perhaps if you engage him intellegently on the subjects he wants to talk about then maybe you two will begin to talk again. the truth is sarah if your not interested in what he has to say how is he going to feel interested in you?

Warm regards,

Tw

Ronin

25-02-2011, 09:16 PM

I understand what you are saying.. I use to hold onto every word he had to say but after awhile they just got boring. There isnt much to this man.
Honestly I try to talk to him about things that interst me but he either doesnt understand or thinks Im pretty out there.

Things kind of got really bad then started smoothing over then last night weve had the biggest fight weve had in years.. I dont even really know what got him in that mood, just started throwing hissy fits. When he started up I just shut down and ignored it which seemed to fuel him more. idk..

Im just ready for adventure and hes ready to settle down into routine.
Ive been trying to get our synastry charts read to see why we are clashing so much lately.