JoeyBradleyR
03-10-2016, 07:41 PM
Here is my question kind of a story with a question inside of it.
So my life has always been one of turmoil for years starting 11 years ago when I was 23. I had been following around the wrong crowd for years and making poor decisions which my environment made up my mind and not my instincts. So almost 3 years ago that all went to a head when as usual me and my friends had a falling out usually over what they thought I owed them. This time it was a big deal we stopped speaking until a few months ago. During this time I had moved to Belize to live with my mom and things started off rocky we were not getting along. But then came along a new path in life and things started changing. I got in a relationship which is what I needed to move on from the past. The relationship went down quickly we both had substance abuse problems and we both were trying to help the other one out. Multiple times I would tell her she needs to stop doing things and she would say the same thing to me. She would try to get me to go to church but I never believed in relegion I believed in karma and things jesus taught. I always have wanted to live a buddhist type of liefstyle but always too afraid to move in that path. So just recently things were going good we were fighting less and drinking going out less. But I couldn't see she wasnt happy as she claims.
(Retracting a bit she had an ex boyfriend she talked about a lot and how she got left by him for a black chick. She put a lot of hate in my heart for other people and controlled who I talked to as well as who I could like she did this mentally. She was also very physical towards me when she would get drunk as well as suicidal in herself. Which multiple times I saved her life. I do not hold that against her at all and I'm proud I helped her out of dark areas of her life.)
So I went back to Oregon for awhile things seem good she didnt seem as happy to see me but mainly conversations would come down to how broke she was ect. Her daughter carly who also lived with us I loved and still do love as my own daughter.
(This ex she claimed left her also she claims that he died in Afghanistan in a plane crash, later I come to find out that these things she said about him were a lie a lot like other things she claimed)
Anyways I come back from the states and it is her birthday. She never really asked for anything from me she always told me remember I knew you when you had nothing. But it seemed when I got her things she seemed a lot happier. So couple days after I get back she goes out with her "cousin" which later I find out this wasnt true. Couple days after that she brings a new dog over a recuse which was only suppose to be there a few days this guy brings the dog over which is just suppose to be her friend. They go and take the dog to the vet takes almost all day she is dressed way too nice.
Later Wednesday we go out to the casino a usual day off thing we do. Everything is fine she isnt acting strange she gets drunk and crazy like usual at this point I expect something is wrong though. So after she tries going out with her "friends" and I can tell "they" are saying no. She passes out and I find messages on her phone about how she is leaving me that I am manipulative make people feel sorry for me. She told me she wanted to leave me the guy responds saying I thought you were going to leave him on his birthday.
Anyways I wake her up get in a fight about it she tells me she doesn't want to be with me anymore that she wants to be independent. This is a lie since I had the messages from before. Next day we have a talk I agree with her we should break up but my gut wont let this go. She stays in the house next couple days we go out on my birthday I can tell she is upset later find out her plans for the weekend are with her ex and he hasnt been responding to her. She gets drunk which I kind of planned things go bad people tell me things. We split right there and I throw her stuff out as she is passed out outside cause I will not let her in the house. She wouldnt go over to her moms. Next day she is crying for me to let her in but I wont she has a friend help her get her stuff. The following day we do not speak two days later we make up and she is asking for money for food. I agree we go hangout at the beach she gets drunk then confesses her love for me and wants to come home things happen but she says she cant go home cause she already made her choice.
Next day we hangout we plan on going to workout we workout with her kids it was a great day. Later that night she goes out with her "friends" ask me to cover for her with her mom that she was out with me which was a lie. Turns out she goes out with the guy again. Next day she wants nothing to do with me and tells me she just wants to be friends. I find the guy on facebook and start talking to him finding out things that devastate me, while I was gone she had cheated. Later I found out from other people this is her ex and she had been out with him even longer than I knew.
I confront her about everything things go sower fast. I try to forgive her tell her I want to try to work things out I am crying I am devastated she was my life I invested everything in her. I broke every rule there was in a breakup. For days we go back and fourth about our dogs and things in the house everything just keeps escalating. My health at this point is starting to go. I go out and get very drunk during September Celebrations in Belize too the point I am going around town telling people what happened and that she left me for another white guy. Everyone is shocked this ;point she is very upset with me and things start going down hill fast.
The next day at the fireworks after reading a black crow curse about wicked tounges that her mom posted on facebook I start feeling very weird for months I have been having panic attacks that led me to the hospital ending with good vitals. So I am hearing things and seeing things that dont make sense so I think I am dying. Finally the next day I give in out of my heart and give her our dog trying to hand a dove over to her for peace. This doesnt help just makes things go stranger.
So the parade the next day driving there our friends kids start vomiting after I smelled garlic and felt burning sensations in my body all day this happened too me my vision was even changing. So I start feeling better we get to the parade I go in and out of feeling like I want to faint. So the kid tells me they are coming and I asked him who. He said the parade. I am very thirsty at this point things seem strange so I start asking for forgiveness for my sins. I am not one for one particular religion I kind of believe all of them are equal and send the same message.
Anywyas after I do this I feel a sense of peace and ready to go home. I am tired after this point and start driving home in the back of the pickup I start to fall asleep maybe 30 minutes later I wake up in a panic. But things start feeling better even euphoric a really comforting song is playing in the background everything around me feels calming. All my NDEs or anxiety attacks never felt like this. I get them to rush me to the hospital and my vitals are fine I have a respiratory infection which goes away fast. Anyways a voice starts talking to me saying that over and over I have disappointed, that I told you not to go back to your friends that this is what salvation is calling me an idiot that she cant trust me; that i will never see her again. That I will wither away to ashes.
Since this experience I have had other very terrifying experiences day after this my vision isnt clear everything that used to be bright is dim now and darkness is very dark. Very depressed at this point feeling a since of loss. So two days after this September 23 I get a very traumatic experience where I really start to feel like I am dying and everything, everyone seem to be fine but I'm loosing it. Vision hearing getting dimmer my heart feels like it is getting burned out of my body as someone with long nails is piercing it. A pimple arises there as this is happening. My mom reaches home finally I keep her up for hours during the storm that rages around us. I feel like if I go to sleep I will die. I wake up the next day after I finally get some sleep. Each day after that has been equally terrifying besides the last few days were now I just feel loss from the relationship and not knowing if all this I experienced is true.
(The NDE or Trip I had during it the voice said that I am the only way to salvation, the only way you can reincarnate)
Need to get some advice from this. I havent led the perfect life and I have been led astray many times. Not sure what to make of all this I believe and a lot of different beliefs mainly that we are all one, we correct the universe around us. Buddhism I really love the teachings and the mantras have really helped me out of this hell I am living in. Even if this is true I want to bring people together not be held up in fear? So I guess my question is two part.... Need advice on what I expierence and how do I move on from this?
So my life has always been one of turmoil for years starting 11 years ago when I was 23. I had been following around the wrong crowd for years and making poor decisions which my environment made up my mind and not my instincts. So almost 3 years ago that all went to a head when as usual me and my friends had a falling out usually over what they thought I owed them. This time it was a big deal we stopped speaking until a few months ago. During this time I had moved to Belize to live with my mom and things started off rocky we were not getting along. But then came along a new path in life and things started changing. I got in a relationship which is what I needed to move on from the past. The relationship went down quickly we both had substance abuse problems and we both were trying to help the other one out. Multiple times I would tell her she needs to stop doing things and she would say the same thing to me. She would try to get me to go to church but I never believed in relegion I believed in karma and things jesus taught. I always have wanted to live a buddhist type of liefstyle but always too afraid to move in that path. So just recently things were going good we were fighting less and drinking going out less. But I couldn't see she wasnt happy as she claims.
(Retracting a bit she had an ex boyfriend she talked about a lot and how she got left by him for a black chick. She put a lot of hate in my heart for other people and controlled who I talked to as well as who I could like she did this mentally. She was also very physical towards me when she would get drunk as well as suicidal in herself. Which multiple times I saved her life. I do not hold that against her at all and I'm proud I helped her out of dark areas of her life.)
So I went back to Oregon for awhile things seem good she didnt seem as happy to see me but mainly conversations would come down to how broke she was ect. Her daughter carly who also lived with us I loved and still do love as my own daughter.
(This ex she claimed left her also she claims that he died in Afghanistan in a plane crash, later I come to find out that these things she said about him were a lie a lot like other things she claimed)
Anyways I come back from the states and it is her birthday. She never really asked for anything from me she always told me remember I knew you when you had nothing. But it seemed when I got her things she seemed a lot happier. So couple days after I get back she goes out with her "cousin" which later I find out this wasnt true. Couple days after that she brings a new dog over a recuse which was only suppose to be there a few days this guy brings the dog over which is just suppose to be her friend. They go and take the dog to the vet takes almost all day she is dressed way too nice.
Later Wednesday we go out to the casino a usual day off thing we do. Everything is fine she isnt acting strange she gets drunk and crazy like usual at this point I expect something is wrong though. So after she tries going out with her "friends" and I can tell "they" are saying no. She passes out and I find messages on her phone about how she is leaving me that I am manipulative make people feel sorry for me. She told me she wanted to leave me the guy responds saying I thought you were going to leave him on his birthday.
Anyways I wake her up get in a fight about it she tells me she doesn't want to be with me anymore that she wants to be independent. This is a lie since I had the messages from before. Next day we have a talk I agree with her we should break up but my gut wont let this go. She stays in the house next couple days we go out on my birthday I can tell she is upset later find out her plans for the weekend are with her ex and he hasnt been responding to her. She gets drunk which I kind of planned things go bad people tell me things. We split right there and I throw her stuff out as she is passed out outside cause I will not let her in the house. She wouldnt go over to her moms. Next day she is crying for me to let her in but I wont she has a friend help her get her stuff. The following day we do not speak two days later we make up and she is asking for money for food. I agree we go hangout at the beach she gets drunk then confesses her love for me and wants to come home things happen but she says she cant go home cause she already made her choice.
Next day we hangout we plan on going to workout we workout with her kids it was a great day. Later that night she goes out with her "friends" ask me to cover for her with her mom that she was out with me which was a lie. Turns out she goes out with the guy again. Next day she wants nothing to do with me and tells me she just wants to be friends. I find the guy on facebook and start talking to him finding out things that devastate me, while I was gone she had cheated. Later I found out from other people this is her ex and she had been out with him even longer than I knew.
I confront her about everything things go sower fast. I try to forgive her tell her I want to try to work things out I am crying I am devastated she was my life I invested everything in her. I broke every rule there was in a breakup. For days we go back and fourth about our dogs and things in the house everything just keeps escalating. My health at this point is starting to go. I go out and get very drunk during September Celebrations in Belize too the point I am going around town telling people what happened and that she left me for another white guy. Everyone is shocked this ;point she is very upset with me and things start going down hill fast.
The next day at the fireworks after reading a black crow curse about wicked tounges that her mom posted on facebook I start feeling very weird for months I have been having panic attacks that led me to the hospital ending with good vitals. So I am hearing things and seeing things that dont make sense so I think I am dying. Finally the next day I give in out of my heart and give her our dog trying to hand a dove over to her for peace. This doesnt help just makes things go stranger.
So the parade the next day driving there our friends kids start vomiting after I smelled garlic and felt burning sensations in my body all day this happened too me my vision was even changing. So I start feeling better we get to the parade I go in and out of feeling like I want to faint. So the kid tells me they are coming and I asked him who. He said the parade. I am very thirsty at this point things seem strange so I start asking for forgiveness for my sins. I am not one for one particular religion I kind of believe all of them are equal and send the same message.
Anywyas after I do this I feel a sense of peace and ready to go home. I am tired after this point and start driving home in the back of the pickup I start to fall asleep maybe 30 minutes later I wake up in a panic. But things start feeling better even euphoric a really comforting song is playing in the background everything around me feels calming. All my NDEs or anxiety attacks never felt like this. I get them to rush me to the hospital and my vitals are fine I have a respiratory infection which goes away fast. Anyways a voice starts talking to me saying that over and over I have disappointed, that I told you not to go back to your friends that this is what salvation is calling me an idiot that she cant trust me; that i will never see her again. That I will wither away to ashes.
Since this experience I have had other very terrifying experiences day after this my vision isnt clear everything that used to be bright is dim now and darkness is very dark. Very depressed at this point feeling a since of loss. So two days after this September 23 I get a very traumatic experience where I really start to feel like I am dying and everything, everyone seem to be fine but I'm loosing it. Vision hearing getting dimmer my heart feels like it is getting burned out of my body as someone with long nails is piercing it. A pimple arises there as this is happening. My mom reaches home finally I keep her up for hours during the storm that rages around us. I feel like if I go to sleep I will die. I wake up the next day after I finally get some sleep. Each day after that has been equally terrifying besides the last few days were now I just feel loss from the relationship and not knowing if all this I experienced is true.
(The NDE or Trip I had during it the voice said that I am the only way to salvation, the only way you can reincarnate)
Need to get some advice from this. I havent led the perfect life and I have been led astray many times. Not sure what to make of all this I believe and a lot of different beliefs mainly that we are all one, we correct the universe around us. Buddhism I really love the teachings and the mantras have really helped me out of this hell I am living in. Even if this is true I want to bring people together not be held up in fear? So I guess my question is two part.... Need advice on what I expierence and how do I move on from this?