I'm stuck, could use some advice/encouragement (pretty lengthy)

[amh1361]

I am new here… sorry for such a long one as my first post, but I don’t know what is going on with me. I am so confused right now. To explain my current dilemma, I need to give a little history on myself. I grew up in a small town in the south where if you weren't Christian, you were going to hell... but other than visiting some churches with friends, I never really got into religion that much as a kid.. I did a lot of reading about witchcraft out of curiosity when I was about 14.. didn't have a chance to get very deep into it because when my parents found a binder with all of my research in it, I was put in a psychiatric place for two weeks.. After that I didn’t really think about spiritual things much unless I was forced to, either by dreams or by some other experiences that freaked me out (seeing/feeling things)... fast forward to my second pregnancy, age 23, I went to church (a pentecostal one) once with my grandmother and they sucked me in... after a few years, I took a break from church due to having my third baby, it was then that I realized I had become someone I didn’t like and I really didn’t like many of the people around me, they were just too superficial.. Skip a couple years to the present time.. still haven’t been back to church. A few months ago my husband and I both, pretty much on the same day, got a craving for something more in life.. something spiritual.. Neither of us knew about the other's thoughts until a few days later... he had been working 12 hours away for about a week when this happened.. it was too strange for me to not pay attention to.. my husband is a typical southern oilfield working guy.. for him to call and start talking about meditation, etc.. was pretty unusual. At the time, I had recently started journaling and after our talk I started researching some things.. it started with just reading about meditation but that led to chakras and crystals and other religions and anything else the related links led me to.. I was excited because some things i read actually made sense to me.. My husband hasn't talked anymore about it but I still have it all whirling in my head.. the thing is, I’ve reached a point where anytime I even think of moving any further ahead, I am stopped by guilt… even choosing to meditate makes me feel guilty now.. like I am betraying the God I was taught about.. its really frustrating. I have no desire to go back to church for several reasons (the main one is I no longer share their views on some major things) yet any other path is making me feel like I am doing something “bad”… there is so much curiosity bubbling inside of me right now, but all of the guilt has sent me into a depression.. so I am stuck.. does anyone have any advice or stories to share to encourage me through this phase of my journey?

[Abrem]

I can't tell you what to do but I can help you weigh some of the consequences.

1) If you decide to pursue alternative spirituality you will lose all your friends and possibly even family from church if they find out about it.
2) Superficiality is what makes the world go round, stepping away from that means on a more basic level stepping away from physical life.
3) It's a journey that basically never ends.
4) You will find most everything you're looking for eventually.
5) What you find you will not be able to share with others for the most part.

[55Degrees]

I can't tell you what to do but I can help you weigh some of the consequences.

1) If you decide to pursue alternative spirituality you will lose all your friends and possibly even family from church if they find out about it.
2) Superficiality is what makes the world go round, stepping away from that means on a more basic level stepping away from physical life.
3) It's a journey that basically never ends.
4) You will find most everything you're looking for eventually.
5) What you find you will not be able to share with others for the most part.

Abrem
I'm sorry but your response is pretty presumptious. How do you know amh1361 will lose all her friends and family? It comes over as fear mongering.
It's okay to have an opinion if it is backed up by a reasoned argument but to state it as empirical evidence is wrong.

[Starman]

It would be wonderful for you to have the support of your husband in your new curiosity. It sounds like he has had similar feelings as you on this matter. My best advice is for you to share your feelings, including your depression, with your husband. In my opinion it is important to share these things in a marriage; he does not have to take on your beliefs but it would be nice if he supported you in pursuing your beliefs.

With 3-babies you have got your hands full, but there are probably groups out there for mothers with young children that pursue spiritual issues differently than the church you used to attend. Unity Church and Science of Mind or The Church of Religious Science (Not Scientology) might appeal to you. There are also Christian Gnostic churches which, if you previously attended a Christian Church, may be appropriate for you. Many Christian Gnostic's do meditation and study the chakras, etc. I am thinking that you need a support group of like minded people to help you navigate your new found curiosity.

Be careful, there are lots of destructive cults out there and that is another reason to involve your husband in your pursuits. The best way to get unstuck is to take relaxing baths, listen to soothing music, play with your babies, and let go of what you think you should do, or the feeling that you don’t know what to do. Don’t dwell on it but be open to signs an opportunities that may lead to your hearts desire. In other words listen to your heart.

Share on forums like this one and maybe what someone else here says may touch you but don’t feel like you need to find an answer right away. What you are going through right now, struggling with your beliefs, feeling depressed and stuck, and not knowing how to proceed, is all part of your spiritual; journey. Longing is a very important part of being a spiritual aspirant. Know that you are already on the journey towards a more spiritual life, and part of that spiritual life includes the ability to let go and let God guide you. You are consciously beginning to take some steps into a larger reality; be gentle with yourself. You do not need to discard your previous religion, rather you can build on it. Keep your mind clear and your heart open to guidance, prayer also works.

The answers usually come when we least expect them; that is why it is important to let go and remain open.:smile:

[55Degrees]

amh1361

Welcome to SF.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel conflicted between following a spiritual path and the teachings of your church. Firstly, you don't have to disclose to anyone what your practices are.
Yes, some people will fall away from your life, however you may find that it's you who does the walking away.
Part of the spiritual awakening process is seeing through the superficiality of the world. You suddenly start seeing things differentlyl, eg TV, the promotion of certain 'celebrities', music, the sheer commercialism of our society and shallowness of people. You can step away from it, albeit not completely but to a large extent.

I was lucky in the respect that religion was not something I had to adhere to in my younger days, my mother was Church of England, my father was pretty much his own being, so I can't relate on your experiences of religious teachings. My own journey has been an ongoing one, people have come and gone in my life, they have all taught me something (especially the lesson of impermanence).

Meditation is actually a wonderful experience to connect to God (the kingdom of God is within you). It may be worth having a look at some of Bill Donahue's videos, he explains the bible's teachings in a very different way, that allows you to find God (The All, Source, whatever you wish to call It) in your own way, if God is important to you. There's a huge list here http://www.hiddenmeanings.com/theatertube.htm

There are so many friendly, helpful and very knowledgeable people on this forum, so don't be afraid to ask questions, join in discussions and follow your own path.

[BlueSky]

My suggestion is the next time feelings of guilt or whatever associated with what you have been taught in the past come over you, don't ignore them, don't resist them and don't label or judge them. Just acknowledge them as an observer and move on from there. In this way our emotions and feelings which are a form of energy can settle out on their own and in their own time and at the same time transform themselves into something new and better.

[John32241]

Hello,

Guilt is a fear based emotion. It is used in many ways by groups of every kind to influence others to conform to a particular kind of thinking.

Now if you can foster the belief that God is a loving being, this is harder to do than you think, then you will be more easily able to move past this guilt.

Fear and guilt are used to manipulate others. In my view, God is not like that. My suggestion is to envision a loving God who will support you and your husband's efforts to move forward in spiritual ways.

John

[amh1361]

Thanks everyone for taking time to read and respond. I am feeling a little more peaceful this morning and not so torn. I was able to talk to my husband this morning about it. He has been gone for several days working but texted me and asked how I was doing spiritually.. he always has perfect timing.

Pisces_Moon- I walked away from most of the people that were in my life when i left the church a little over 2 years ago.. Everyone except my grandparents and husband. That was when I first started questioning everything I thought I knew... the part of your response about the superficiality of the world reminded me of what has been going on inside of me for a long time.. probably since i left church.. i got to where i could no longer ignore the intentions or motives behind everything..and everyone.. Its like i am watching a big puppet show but instead of delighting in the performance and clapping along with everyone else, all i can focus on are the strings and wonder how everyone else is ignoring them.. if that makes sense... anyways.. thanks for the link, i'll check it out : )

john32241- it is very hard to do.. i have tried and tried for months now. I agree with your view of guilt and its use in the manipulation of others... i recognize that mine stems from fear.. Something in me says that God will guide me but i have to let go of all of the ideas and opinions that are not my own regarding my spirituality. So many people had beat their beliefs into my head that i had no room to form my own beliefs. It is those "beat in" beliefs that make it so difficult for me to envision God as a loving being..

[firstandlast]

You know, in all my talks with people; there is something quite often loud and clear, even if the person themselves doesn't realize it-- That is the pressure to do right, which often translate the pressure to do right by other people--

If there is even a chance that there may be more to your own religion (that really isn't as you don't seem to want it) than the people who pressure you into that religion think there could be; than in my own view, I would honestly owe it to everyone else to take that path, to risk my soul to see if it is they who are damned or it is I? And maybe you will find neither is really the case--

Like, guilt might seem like a manipulation, but it is also a genuine social force for those who simply can't figure out how to truly contribute to themselves and others, or feel like their choices do not do that; and if such a lingering thought silently sits in your mind, it will rise up any time it is called upon--

They can't make you feel guilty unless you judge yourself in that fashion-- But you are incapable of judging yourself in a manner that is true, if you do not even have all the facts in yet; so its worth keeping in mind that such judgements you experience are your own discernment, both to be heeded but also to be refined as it is heeded, as judgement is tricky business--

[RyanWind]

does anyone have any advice or stories to share to encourage me through this phase of my journey?

#1. Read this book: Journey of Souls by Michael Newton. It's like $12 on amazon.

#2, Watch Mooji videos on youtube.

#3. Take long walks in nature and relax.

#4. Eat lots of fruits and vegi's.:smile:

[amh1361]

firstandlast- Other than the pressure that comes from what is considered "normal" for my area, i have not been pressured into the religion by any specific person.. and I do think there is something more to it.. but i'm not so sure i believe its the only "right" way.. and i haven't found a denomination of christianity yet that doesn't believe all non-christians are lost.. condemned to hell for eternity simply because they are on a different path.. also, i have always been intrigued by astrology.. i think there's something to that too.. but that's evil according to what i have been taught.. i have recently been reading a lot on chakras and energies and things of the sort.. i want to know more about it.. but guess what.. its evil too... its not that i am against the religion or don't want it.. it is the fact that i don't feel i fit in with the beliefs of any denomination of the religion. Especially the one i was a part of. And now, that i am trying to find my way, i keep finding myself stuck, feeling guilty, wondering if the path i am about to take is going to send me to hell because according to what i have been taught it would.. but i can't help but wonder what if it doesn't?

RyanWind-thanks for the suggestions, i'll check the book and videos out : )

[wolfgaze]

Other than the pressure that comes from what is considered "normal" for my area, i have not been pressured into the religion by any specific person.. and I do think there is something more to it.. but i'm not so sure i believe its the only "right" way.. and i haven't found a denomination of christianity yet that doesn't believe all non-christians are lost.. condemned to hell for eternity simply because they are on a different path.. also, i have always been intrigued by astrology.. i think there's something to that too.. but that's evil according to what i have been taught.. i have recently been reading a lot on chakras and energies and things of the sort.. i want to know more about it.. but guess what.. its evil too... its not that i am against the religion or don't want it.. it is the fact that i don't feel i fit in with the beliefs of any denomination of the religion. Especially the one i was a part of. And now, that i am trying to find my way, i keep finding myself stuck, feeling guilty, wondering if the path i am about to take is going to send me to hell because according to what i have been taught it would.. but i can't help but wonder what if it doesn't?


Hello AMH. I'm not a Christian, and I do not identify with the biblical narrative... That being said, some of these write-ups may help you with releasing the fear-based conditioning that you were exposed to during your younger years:

http://www.godsplanforall.com/mistranslationstomeanhell
http://www.tentmaker.org/articles/hell_test.html
http://www.christianspiritualism.org/articles/PrevailingUniversalism.htm

So just to be clear, I'm not reinforcing the Christian narrative here - just offering some research & information which demonstrates that the theology has been altered/changed/manipulated/corrupted over the centuries since it's creation. You've likely been exposed to some ideas/beliefs that aren't even supported by the scriptures that were written in the earliest languages (Hebrew & Greek).

______________

Additionally, here is a good site with lots of interesting information to explore:

http://www.near-death.com/

_____________

Lastly, one idea that came to mind when reading your thread is that I'm sure there are an ample number of books out there in which the authors have written about their life experience of leaving their religion behind and overcoming the effect it had on their spiritual outlook/life. I know you said you never were really that into it (religion) - but clearly you were surrounded by individuals who were and whose strong beliefs have influenced/affected you in some ways (even if subconsciously). So I was thinking that it might be valuable & comforting for you to explore a book of that nature. Just a suggestion. I don't have any specific titles to refer you to but I'm sure it wouldn't be hard at all to look some up.

P.S. - I think how you find yourself feeling at this present time is quite understandable (and to be expected) due to the life circumstances that you've experienced. Keep on refining yourself - and keep on seeking & exploring. You'll be just fine...

:icon_thumright:

~WOLF

[Sojourner2013]

I am new here… sorry for such a long one as my first post, but I don’t know what is going on with me. I am so confused right now. To explain my current dilemma, I need to give a little history on myself. I grew up in a small town in the south where if you weren't Christian, you were going to hell... but other than visiting some churches with friends, I never really got into religion that much as a kid.. I did a lot of reading about witchcraft out of curiosity when I was about 14.. didn't have a chance to get very deep into it because when my parents found a binder with all of my research in it, I was put in a psychiatric place for two weeks.. After that I didn’t really think about spiritual things much unless I was forced to, either by dreams or by some other experiences that freaked me out (seeing/feeling things)... fast forward to my second pregnancy, age 23, I went to church (a pentecostal one) once with my grandmother and they sucked me in... after a few years, I took a break from church due to having my third baby, it was then that I realized I had become someone I didn’t like and I really didn’t like many of the people around me, they were just too superficial.. Skip a couple years to the present time.. still haven’t been back to church. A few months ago my husband and I both, pretty much on the same day, got a craving for something more in life.. something spiritual.. Neither of us knew about the other's thoughts until a few days later... he had been working 12 hours away for about a week when this happened.. it was too strange for me to not pay attention to.. my husband is a typical southern oilfield working guy.. for him to call and start talking about meditation, etc.. was pretty unusual. At the time, I had recently started journaling and after our talk I started researching some things.. it started with just reading about meditation but that led to chakras and crystals and other religions and anything else the related links led me to.. I was excited because some things i read actually made sense to me.. My husband hasn't talked anymore about it but I still have it all whirling in my head.. the thing is, I’ve reached a point where anytime I even think of moving any further ahead, I am stopped by guilt… even choosing to meditate makes me feel guilty now.. like I am betraying the God I was taught about.. its really frustrating. I have no desire to go back to church for several reasons (the main one is I no longer share their views on some major things) yet any other path is making me feel like I am doing something “bad”… there is so much curiosity bubbling inside of me right now, but all of the guilt has sent me into a depression.. so I am stuck.. does anyone have any advice or stories to share to encourage me through this phase of my journey?

Hi amh1361, As I read your post, I saw some similarities of my journey with yours. I went to Christian-based churches and summer camps growing up, which helped me develop my faith, but I distinctly remember saying to myself as a 5-yr-old, sitting in the church pew as the pastor began to yell about the fires of H*ll, "You silly man, there's no such thing as H*ll." Can you imagine the indignation and assertion of a 5 y.o. thinking such a thing? I continued my religious education into adulthood, but I still never accepted concepts that weren't of Love. I just let the pastors rattle on, and kept the good stuff. Today, I very much consider myself non-denominational, but very much reverent to God (or whatever you want to call Him).

But what I believe you are currently experiencing is very simple: Your soul is bored. It is seeking growth. And when our soul is bored, it means that you are now capable of accomodating that growth. That's all.

Authentic living is probably the most daring, courageous thing that you can do for your Soul! So many people live "in the closet" about aspects of self that they are afraid to show others, afraid to accept, afraid of the consequences. And because so many people who choose not to live authentically...they admire (secretly or not) those people who take courage and live/be who they truly are.

I leave you with a quote that I hope will inspire you:

Anais Nin, famous author, once wrote, "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." Be courageous in living authentically!

[Abrem]

Good luck Amh!

[Jatd]

Hello friend,

My past is very similar to yours. Born and raised in the bible belt and was SURE I was going to hell if I didn't do exactly as they told me (Other Christians).
Needless to say even though I was raised in it, I never quite felt right about it. I tried, I tried for the life of me, especially when I had children. I thought it was the right thing to do, to raise them in the church.

Many years later something happened to me ... and in that time I found meditation. During that time I also found a peace that washed over me like a river. The joy was undeniable.

I think Christianity has something to it, but its been tainted, perverted and twisted.
Being reborn, comes from within, not about being baptized. And Accepting Jesus as your savior is not about calling this out in church, but about accepting the Love He taught. At least that is what I have come to learn/accept.

Jesus had GREAT things to teach us about life and love.
Unfortunately Christianity has turned more into a Law Religion rather than love and forgiveness.

As for meditation, it causes Christians fear, because they do not understand it. They FEAR other religions, rather than trying to understand them.

I adore meditation, and i dont see anything wrong with quieting the mind and resting. WE go go go all day long. Having a small amount of quiet peace to rest the mind is what the world needs!
GOod luck to you friend!

[100_the_cat]

Wow, that's really intense what you went through when you were younger with your parents, and I think that's the key to all this.

My grandfather was a Southern Baptist preacher (fundamentalist). He beat my mom with a belt because he thought the Bible said to. When I was about 3-4 I begged my mom to get me some Time Life books I saw a commercial for. They were about stuff like UFOs, ancient Egypt, Christ consciousness, general stuff considered occult by people like her dad. She told me I couldn't have them because they were of the devil and she forbade me from telling anyone I was interested in that stuff, because my grandfather might find out.

I kinda forgot about it until college, when I had a teacher who slipped occultism into his lectures. He was a liberating figure for me -- somehow, from my parents, I'd gotten this warped image of occultists being serial killers and child molesters, and he cleansed that. After that class, I bought some books at a metaphysical store, and one of them triggered my first mystical experience. Then I went through a period of a few weeks where my conditioning battled my new understanding of God. Eventually the conditioning was defeated.

I think you're being led into whatever your true spirituality is. I don't really think this kind of thing is a conscious choice from the physically embodied self, I think everything is predetermined (by you). So basically there's nothing to feel guilty about. You're ultimately God, anyway, why would you be mad at yourself?

[amh1361]

thanks everyone for taking time to read and share :) over the past several days i have found a peace with my decision to move forward... i am finally able to say what has been on my mind without feeling bad for it.. i no longer feel that i am rejecting or turning my back on God.. it is just that i think he is waaaaaaaay bigger than i was taught... i could settle for the smaller view of God that i was given in the past (and that most people around me choose to keep).. but why would i choose that when i KNOW there is so much more to it? In my opinion, he is bigger than a single religion can contain. He is bigger than one set of views about who/what he is..

jatd- you are right- Christians fear what they don't understand.. and i agree- it does have something to it, but, like you said, it has been tainted.

100_the_cat- i do think what i went through with my parents has something to do with this.. and i literally just realized while typing this that it may have triggered something else i have dealt with for years.. i posted about it in the dreams section so i wont tell the whole story again here.. to sum it up though- i have had a figure/man show up a few times in my life and i was terrified of him- he showed up the first time right before my parents put me in that place.. i wonder if the negativity i received from them triggered that?