Only moments of serenity. Lots of misery and self-loathing over a life in shambles.

[Aboriginal]

I have lived almost my entire life in ignorance, ignorance of ignorance, shame, humiliation, and suffering from growing up with autism in the enslavement of American public education, only to be dumped by fate into the hell of hells with paranoid schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder. As time has passed, I have seemed to suffer even more with mental illness. The medication doesn't work as well as it used to for my psychic pain, I am losing cognitive abilities (I used to identify with my intelligence a lot), and I experiencing more prolonged episodes of just agony in stagnation.

Why? What is this suffering supposed to teach? Compassion? Selflessness? Love? I call bull. Each and everything of substance and value that I've desired to attain or be in life is in shambles. Intelligence, friendship, bliss, not being simply a cog in the machine, and even a path and plan through life. Gone because of the curse of degenerative mental illness. Should I let go of these attachments and want nothing in life? How is that even possible, and what's the point of desire if its just destined to be met with suffering, disillusionment, and disappointment? Even my selfless desire to help others has been met with terrible suffering.

All I see from my suffering is being the product of heartlessness from others and the system towards me. I just see the logical outcome of someone given the short end of the stick with both genetics and the environment. Somebody had to inhabit this body, and it just happened to be me. I would have moved on with my life were it not for mental illness. Instead of growing from suffering and trials, I have become weaker and more burdened by even the small tasks of life. Were it not for mental illness, I would not have been homeward bound and thus more able to share compassion and love instead of being trapped in myself with my body and mentally ill mind being a prison instead. Now, from day to day I simply exist, seeking unconscious sleep while yet having insomnia.

If I hadn't been burdened with mental illness, I would have been a much happier person. I hate myself, and suffering from my mental illness just makes me hate myself more. How can I possibly gain any appreciation for myself when I like basically nothing about myself? Boo at God for giving me this life, I hate it. I'm bitter and jaded towards life in general and even God now, and probably will end up sending myself to hell with self-hate. Screw it, gee thanks for all the suffering.

I hope that I made sense, I tried really hard to type a coherent post.

[Mystic Mark]

I'm going through an extremely difficult time in my life, myself. So, I can relate to a lot of what you say. The biggest difference between you and me is that you don't have much faith in the fact that you can change, whereas I've always had faith in that fact. I'll offer you a few pointers.

First of all, if you have any pets, and you touch them, make sure that you wash your hands. Whatever comes into contact with our hands leaves a trace of memory. Also, if you have any pets that sleep next to you, try to keep them to the far side of the bed, otherwise, they'll intermingle with your aura.

Also, when you wake up in the morning, sit up in the bed and rub the palms of your hands together. That will help to stimulate the nervous system so that when you get up out of bed, you won't feel as sleepy.

Here is another thing that I do which helps me. Place your left foot facing straight forward. Then bend your right foot and join it at the heels with the left foot so that the two feet are forming a 90 degree angle. After that, where the toes of the right foot end is where you need to move the heel of the right foot to so that there is a gap between the two feet, but still the 90 degree angle. Next, close your eyes, and raise your hands high over your head in prayer (or Namaskar). Do that for about 5 seconds, then reverse the palms, joining the back sides of the hands together so that the palms are facing in opposite directions. Do that for 5 more seconds, then lower your hands and open your eyes.

Next, do the same thing using the opposite foot.

Namaste

[vortex]

mental illness, no such thing just a label for what others don’t understand and is a dumping ground label for all sorts of people that don’t fit the norm
then they can fill you with drugs or counsel you to make you act norm

love you in all you be because the ones that don’t fit the norm will change the world you will move the mass consciousness thinking its awesome

what I say to you all is don’t just take on what they saying about you
it hard to live in these boundaries of life as it is but you are the ones that can teach us a new way

the truth is no one know the way the mind works even where it is

love to all you be for you are the future

[Lorelyen]

mental illness, no such thing just a label for what others don’t understand and is a dumping ground label for all sorts of people that don’t fit the norm
then they can fill you with drugs or counsel you to make you act norm
There's truth in that. It's just a label and if you apply it to someone in their face all the time they'll take on the mantle of a stigma. If I may requote myself, all the shrinks do is pull what they regard as a damaged being out of the system, try to repair her or him, then plug them back into the system that caused the damage. Useless.

love you in all you be because the ones that don’t fit the norm will change the world you will move the mass consciousness thinking its awesome

what I say to you all is don’t just take on what they saying about you
it hard to live in these boundaries of life as it is but you are the ones that can teach us a new way Inspirational wisdom there.

Count your blessings (your strengths and virtues, whatever they many be) is a glib, easy thing to say - not at all easy to do when you've felt put down for a very long time - but any kind of start along those lines IS a start on the way up. Even that, in spite of adversity, Aboriginal has survived and is able to post here is a start. Actually breaking out of the "cycle" may be difficult but he's articulate, another strength, so might be able to visualise himself among ordinary people rather than a therapy group with its tendency to reinforce the very things it wants to be rid of. Go to places among ordinary people but keeping a low profile until familiar with what goes on. Decide when the chance arises only to talk of positive things about oneself.

A lot can be done. A start may be faltering but with support and determination, a break will eventually be made.

...

[skygazer]

Hi Aboriginal, it has been shown in some unconventional research that the disorders you mentioned can begin as the result of a spiritual awakening that goes wrong (for lack of a better word).

There are essential tools missing in our culture to deal with such things, and many folks feel that psychiatric drugs suppress the issues further, making it even harder to get to the heart of the problem.

The ancients knew how to support an experiencer when psychospiritual crisis came calling...they would send him/her to commune with nature in different ways: sleep on the grass, swim in the river, healing circles and music, even consciousness expansion techniques were used.

Consider that perhaps your power has been taken away from you with these 'diagnosis' and your belief that they knew what was best for you, and take one step at a time to retrace where you veered off your path...

If it is not clear from my post, I want to say I am not a medical professional, this is my personal opinion as someone who went off track and found the way back.

[Aboriginal]

Thanks all for the help, I'm back in serenity now :). Since I've publicly denounced God in the first post, I accept Him again in this one :).

I've come to gain a sense that I cannot simply pass the buck for the woes of live that have befallen me from public education and mental healthcare, and then simply expect a magical "fix me" cure in heaven. If I do that, then I will take those woes with me to the spirit world and be consumed by them. Doesn't matter that I am a good person who does good things for others despite how I've felt about myself, if I go to the afterlife hating God then there's nothing He'll be able to do.

Sadly, multitudes of good people will probably face hell over how institutions have raised them to think and feel about themselves. Yes, our day will come when those who are not good people have hurt us directly or indirectly will have to answer for both that and the victims' spiritual fate, but in awareness now I have the option to fight through my angst and appreciate life.


Cool pointers, Mystic Mark :). As an autistic where autistics are commonly known to have a rigid routine, I have been about as undisciplined as anyone can be for quite a while :/. Its very hard for me to follow any kind of routine even in the most basic tasks of life, because of issues with emotional stability, motivation, and sleep routine. But hopefully I can change that from the foundation up instead of having to fight against avolition all the time. Hopefully with time I won't have to try so hard against not feeling like doing anything. BTW, which discipline do you mainly follow, Mystic Mark? I have some energy sensitivity such as body awareness and presence and demeanor of others if I focus, but I've never developed this.

Vortex, I've had a love-hate relationship with psychiatry. Finally, I've understood that the paranoia I feel was learned from growing up as a highly-sensitive individual in a hostile, threatening environment. Perhaps I've actually grown tougher over time, but in an fragmented sense of times of highly-polarized strength and weakness. I believe at the core of my condition is a strong disruption of my circadian rhythm. I don't get good quality sleep without medication that makes me sleep, so after a while of that I can go into psychosis like any sleep-deprived individual. I now know when I don't get good quality sleep because I can tell when I don't fully lose consciousness, so that's helped keep me out of psychosis.

I'm on a shot known as Invega Sustenna, and I hate it. My Dr. says that it keeps me out of the hospital, but I tell him that ever since I was on it I've felt like I've had a brain tumor the cognitive symptoms are so bad. I say that my life has totally not been worth living even without mania or psychosis, because of the misery I have felt since starting the injection. It doesn't work, and I know it doesn't because I experience the way it makes me feel, but he doesn't listen because I've stayed out of the hospital. I vehemently protested, saying that I have fought and fought hard to stay out of the hospital, despite feeling miserable on the shot and needing to take the other anti-psychotic just as much as before. I laid down the law that I'm not just an input-output machine where you put in chemicals and get results out, and I will not be taking my next shot.

I definitely agree that counting my blessings is a necessary step but far from sufficient. I wanted to be highly intelligent, and was for a while after trying really hard to sharpen my reading and math skills, but degenerative mental illness has tried to erode that very thing of all things (instead of my cross to bear, if I must have one, being something physical) and my psychiatrist reinforces that. That's a big one for me, like an athlete being paralyzed from the neck down, but I'm sure can be worked around with something else of value to appreciate (instead of giving up on EVERYTHING like the athlete would have to with all things athletics because its the mind that controls everything). Thankfully I live with great folk as family and am well taken care of, so I can appreciate an easy life that gets easier as I adapt to the struggles of my mind trying to be its own enemy.

At this point, I can't fathom accomplishing anything worthwhile in life, but who knows maybe that's something I can push through and accomplish instead of having to forego that like I'm learning to do with intelligence. Probably the realization that some things that I want to be able to change, no matter how bad, are impossible with any amount of effort has been one of the hardest things for me, but even harder is that such isn't always obvious; some things are more changeable than they seem and visa versa. I blame public education for how I've fumbled in ignorance trying change in ineffective ways. That is so too in the formative years of ones life, absorbing hogwash like a sponge. I think how public education works to deprive individuals of the mind's tools for learning, adaptation and growth is that it makes it harder to perceive knowledge and even experience in clarity. That way even if the tools are staring you in the face you still don't learn. Slowly, I think I've begun to understand how to profit from knowledge because I've learned to learn better to a degree by involving the perception of my whole body and mind's eye in the learning process, instead of just hearing words in my head and hoping they stick with rote repetition. Perception is extremely important for advanced ability, because rote memorization, recall, and understanding is very slow and lacking depth compared to feeling the flow, rhyme and reason of something.

Hi Aboriginal, it has been shown in some unconventional research that the disorders you mentioned can begin as the result of a spiritual awakening that goes wrong (for lack of a better word).

That exactly what my mental illness is like. For me psychosis is like coming upon the cusp of some kind of radical transformation into the person I was meant to be, free of the trauma of my childhood experience and healed, then experiencing enlightenment from that and losing my mind in religious jubilation and ecstasy. I tried, really tried, to go through that back in January-February, but it is a shame that my family wouldn't allow me to be in that frame of mind for too long. I may have indeed been very manic, but I was not suffering; yet still I was not allowed to be that way - even forced against my will in a mental health hospital to be treated. That is something you never forget - to know what it is like to have your freedom completely, 100% denied by force. I posted about that in my introductory topic a while ago. Though, at least I got far enough with the experience to perhaps have discovered the meaning or intrinsic teleological purpose of life in a single principle - something that has escaped all, even the elite intellectual and spiritual guru. I even put into words the equality principle of life. These are things that I would expect someone of my learning and age could never be correct about and should dismiss as a flight of fantasy, but there's something more that tells me I've thought about it in ways that few if any have before and may have come up with the genuine article. Now, if I get my head on straight I could write an article or book on it and substantiate it.

[Melahin]

How can I possibly gain any appreciation for myself when I like basically nothing about myself?

I remember a week ago or so sitting there, right there where I did not like anything about what I had become. But isn't that a great state to be in?

I found that I more clearly than ever knew exactly what I wanted out of life. As I have focused on it I feel it even more clear than ever, and have begun anticipating its manifestation... rather than sulk in its absence. In every moment we have the choice of how we think, how we feel, where we place our focus.

Mental illness comes from the absence of alignment with what you inherently believe you are, the very thing you truly desire to be. You keep yourself in such a suspense that there becomes less and less of your Well-Being, until there is no physical evidence of it left. Getting back is about shifting the momentum from where you are to where you desire to be by deliberately focusing on the latter. I used to say that yoga made me insane, but truly it was my sulking in the absence of my Well-Being that brought that. Today I feel less insane than I did a week ago; and within soon if I keep on this path of self enjoyment it will be gone. In that there can be no doubt at all :smile:

It simply said is about shifting the momentum of your emotional aptitude by focusing your thoughts on what you desire in life, in a way that exhilarates you. Find a belief that supports you 100%, and work on having unwavering faith in it... then life is bound to turn out amazing with no exception!

[Aboriginal]

In an odd way, I have to agree its great to feel bad sometimes. On the one hand, feeling self-disappointment when otherwise I feel complete apathy is quite preferable, even if it isn't happiness and well-being. On the other hand, when I can understand that I choose to feel bad for a good reason instead of feeling bad because of something out of my control like defective genetics and brain chemicals brings a sense of wisdom and personal power. Sometimes, but very saliently, it helps to get that out of the way so that I can then realize that in spite of some big things that I wish I could change, I would have never chosen to be anyone else but me :).

I've found that I am most comfortable with researching NDE's, even if there isn't a well-defined body of knowledge around it. It was much better suited for my inner belief about God, life on Earth, and the afterlife than at least the mainstream Christianity that I had grown up to believe as being the truth. With NDE's I feel its okay to be bitterly angry or depressed, because that's how I truly feel about something and it feels most reasonable. Then, I can choose to find reason to feel differently if it seems more reasonable. But overall, given one or the other it's more reasonable for me to be optimistic instead of pessimistic because one moves me towards my goals and the other not necessarily away from but stagnates progress. Nevertheless, when pessimism presents itself its there for a good reason. I can't expect to just flip a switch and go from one to the other and expect to be done with pessimism. Has to be worked through.

[Mystic Mark]

"BTW, which discipline do you mainly follow, Mystic Mark?"

The religion which I follow the closest is Hinduism. I've followed so many different types of discaplines, that often I just move from one to the next. I spend a lot of time reading articles written by the Isha Foundation for the reason that they have a Self Realized Master there who shares all of insights regarding the understanding of the path.

The insights which I shared with you have a lot to do with "aligning the body with the geometry of the Cosmos." By that, I mean that there are constellations or star systems. The Constellation which rules over the feet is Pisces (The Fishes). The stars in that constellation form a V shape, and depicts the fishes swimming in opposite directions. The feet being joined at the heels represents the point (star) where the two lines forming the V in the constellation of Pisces converge.

Here is something which I tried last night, which I feel also works:

Use an open doorway or a wall to stand in front of so that you can balance yourself. This time, just join the heels of your feet together so that they form a V shape. Then close your eyes and raise the front part of your feet off of the floor balancing yourself on your heels, while balancing yourself by holding onto the doorway or wall.

In case your interested, Isha has a few articles devoted towards the subject of Alighning yourself with the geometry of the Cosmos. Most of the articles have more to do with the Yoga Asanas. The idea is that there is a "way" for performing each of the different yoga asanas where we can align our body geometry with the Cosmos, but we've lost the knowledge for how to do that. Some good Introductery articles on the Subject are (by Isha)

Creating a Designer Life
Align with The Divine
Akasha: Making sense of the Mysterious
Akasha: The Womb of Creation

[Miss Hepburn]

Tennessee Williams...this whole thread ... that's all I have to say.

And my roommate went to his parties...to
my dismay as I stayed home ....because I was a girl..

All I could do was meet the boys after....

1971, Key West.
This entire thread reminds me of TW...the human drama..

[skygazer]

Aboriginal wrote, I'm back in serenity now :).

Glad to hear :)

[Cmt12]

I have lived almost my entire life in ignorance, ignorance of ignorance, shame, humiliation, and suffering from growing up with autism in the enslavement of American public education, only to be dumped by fate into the hell of hells with paranoid schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder. As time has passed, I have seemed to suffer even more with mental illness. The medication doesn't work as well as it used to for my psychic pain, I am losing cognitive abilities (I used to identify with my intelligence a lot), and I experiencing more prolonged episodes of just agony in stagnation.

Why? What is this suffering supposed to teach? Compassion? Selflessness? Love? I call bull. Each and everything of substance and value that I've desired to attain or be in life is in shambles. Intelligence, friendship, bliss, not being simply a cog in the machine, and even a path and plan through life. Gone because of the curse of degenerative mental illness. Should I let go of these attachments and want nothing in life? How is that even possible, and what's the point of desire if its just destined to be met with suffering, disillusionment, and disappointment? Even my selfless desire to help others has been met with terrible suffering.

All I see from my suffering is being the product of heartlessness from others and the system towards me. I just see the logical outcome of someone given the short end of the stick with both genetics and the environment. Somebody had to inhabit this body, and it just happened to be me. I would have moved on with my life were it not for mental illness. Instead of growing from suffering and trials, I have become weaker and more burdened by even the small tasks of life. Were it not for mental illness, I would not have been homeward bound and thus more able to share compassion and love instead of being trapped in myself with my body and mentally ill mind being a prison instead. Now, from day to day I simply exist, seeking unconscious sleep while yet having insomnia.

If I hadn't been burdened with mental illness, I would have been a much happier person. I hate myself, and suffering from my mental illness just makes me hate myself more. How can I possibly gain any appreciation for myself when I like basically nothing about myself? Boo at God for giving me this life, I hate it. I'm bitter and jaded towards life in general and even God now, and probably will end up sending myself to hell with self-hate. Screw it, gee thanks for all the suffering.

I hope that I made sense, I tried really hard to type a coherent post.
Can you think of times when you've felt an overwhelming sense of inspiration or connection.. the type of feeling where you get goosebumps or that changes your mood and affects you for awhile after? Have you felt anything close to that recently? Ever? I'm asking for a reason.

[Abrem]

I have lived almost my entire life in ignorance, ignorance of ignorance, shame, humiliation, and suffering from growing up with autism in the enslavement of American public education, only to be dumped by fate into the hell of hells with paranoid schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder. As time has passed, I have seemed to suffer even more with mental illness. The medication doesn't work as well as it used to for my psychic pain, I am losing cognitive abilities (I used to identify with my intelligence a lot), and I experiencing more prolonged episodes of just agony in stagnation.

Why? What is this suffering supposed to teach? Compassion? Selflessness? Love? I call bull. Each and everything of substance and value that I've desired to attain or be in life is in shambles. Intelligence, friendship, bliss, not being simply a cog in the machine, and even a path and plan through life. Gone because of the curse of degenerative mental illness. Should I let go of these attachments and want nothing in life? How is that even possible, and what's the point of desire if its just destined to be met with suffering, disillusionment, and disappointment? Even my selfless desire to help others has been met with terrible suffering.

All I see from my suffering is being the product of heartlessness from others and the system towards me. I just see the logical outcome of someone given the short end of the stick with both genetics and the environment. Somebody had to inhabit this body, and it just happened to be me. I would have moved on with my life were it not for mental illness. Instead of growing from suffering and trials, I have become weaker and more burdened by even the small tasks of life. Were it not for mental illness, I would not have been homeward bound and thus more able to share compassion and love instead of being trapped in myself with my body and mentally ill mind being a prison instead. Now, from day to day I simply exist, seeking unconscious sleep while yet having insomnia.

If I hadn't been burdened with mental illness, I would have been a much happier person. I hate myself, and suffering from my mental illness just makes me hate myself more. How can I possibly gain any appreciation for myself when I like basically nothing about myself? Boo at God for giving me this life, I hate it. I'm bitter and jaded towards life in general and even God now, and probably will end up sending myself to hell with self-hate. Screw it, gee thanks for all the suffering.

I hope that I made sense, I tried really hard to type a coherent post.
I've known autistic people, you guys simply operate on a different wavelength than everyone else.

There is a few things though that you can do to help yourself. Some autistic people I know write down everything they learn about behavior and social norms and how people think for various situations. Every time they make a mistake, they write down what they learned and basically make themselves a manual.

Theres other things that help keep you mentally sharp too
1) meditation
2) studying an hour a week
3) running (also really helps with bipolar) even just twice a week

Since you're neurodegenerative, you're probably feeling like the "sense" of things you experience and learn keeps getting erased from your head every week, making it nearly impossible for you to hold on to any of it. This is why it's important to write the stuff down and keep going back to it for the things you have trouble on. I highly recommend it.

Also know that I sympathize with you a lot. PM me if you want to talk.

[CrystalSong]

Just popping in to send you Love Aboriginal.
I have no advice, but offer you support. Bless you.

[Aboriginal]

Glad to hear :)
Thx, buddy :).

Can you think of times when you've felt an overwhelming sense of inspiration or connection.. the type of feeling where you get goosebumps or that changes your mood and affects you for awhile after? Have you felt anything close to that recently? Ever? I'm asking for a reason.

Yes, I had a strike of extraordinary inspiration back in January - March/April to work on some eureka's I had in philosophy. I was collecting these in a body of works called "The Grand Unified Theory of Everything." I think that I may have at least a couple of things right, and I don't necessarily have to work on such a grandiose theory, but that's taught me that my own sense of inspiration is delusional and at fault, even with my trying my damnedest for a grain of truth. All it amounted to was fumbling in ignorance and it was a huge embarrassment. Maybe not. Maybe I really did something profound and find the true meaning of life, but even if its in fact correct and absolute, nobody ****ing cares but me and I can't substantiate it now with the brain that I have now. Its just a phrase that hopefully makes sense, and reflecting back on it has helped me a good bit with dealing with angst. Posted it in my "your space" topic if anyone's interested.

Since you're neurodegenerative, you're probably feeling like the "sense" of things you experience and learn keeps getting erased from your head every week, making it nearly impossible for you to hold on to any of it.This is why it's important to write the stuff down and keep going back to it for the things you have trouble on. I highly recommend it.

That what its like for me, and I've wondered if this is a normal kind of forgetting or accelerated. I get a sense that its very accelerated forgetting, because I'll read and comprehend or watch and understand, but it goes in one ear or eye and out the other now, and I am even suffering comprehension and understanding issues more often now. I can't even remember what I've written in this topic except in a extremely vague and fuzzy sense. It also feels a general "cognitive sludge," having an awareness that my brain isn't performing as well as it could or used it. These cognitive problems haven't COMPLETELY ruined my life, but a big part of it relating to my pursuit of intellectual growth. At least I'm getting past the fact that what I valued most in life, intelligence, is now in shambles. I can't expect myself to fulfill any kind of life purpose but coping with my own mental illness and acceptance of what I now call "the easy life." My life has become very simple now that I cannot undertake anything seriously demanding like college, so I can at least enjoy that part.

I just wonder, why do ironic things like these seem to happen like this for people? The aspiring gymnast sustaining a terrible ankle injury or the sprinter who tears a ligament. The aspiring writer losing the creative flow or the intellectual who loses their mind. Such tragedy is honestly feels like a grievous insult from God, rather than opportunity for spiritual growth. Or, is it? Is such deep tragedy ffor some kind of spiritual perfection? How can that be so important that one's life can be reamed and bulldozed over for that sake? I expect many more people end up hating God and saying "to hell with Heaven" instead of getting closer to God and Heaven.


Just popping in to send you Love Aboriginal.
I have no advice, but offer you support. Bless you.



Thx, definitely worth the try :D.

[Cmt12]

Yes, I had a strike of extraordinary inspiration back in January - March/April to work on some eureka's I had in philosophy. I was collecting these in a body of works called "The Grand Unified Theory of Everything." I think that I may have at least a couple of things right, and I don't necessarily have to work on such a grandiose theory, but that's taught me that my own sense of inspiration is delusional and at fault, even with my trying my damnedest for a grain of truth. All it amounted to was fumbling in ignorance and it was a huge embarrassment. Maybe not. Maybe I really did something profound and find the true meaning of life, but even if its in fact correct and absolute, nobody ****ing cares but me and I can't substantiate it now with the brain that I have now. Its just a phrase that hopefully makes sense, and reflecting back on it has helped me a good bit with dealing with angst. Posted it in my "your space" topic if anyone's interested.

The inspiration I am talking about is a feeling. Your initial reaction is to interpret inspiration as a thought or idea. Being in your head will not take you anywhere different than the frustrating dead ends and cycles you are stuck in. If you feel more in your body for those profound feelings of connection, then you will be led in a different direction. It's up to you to trust that this different direction will turn out beneficially.

[Aboriginal]

... I get a little sense of deja vu hearing your words, like I had heard them before through the lens of my mistaken belief that I both heard and listened instead of simply hearing without listening. I hate it so much to be in a state of false knowing, believing that I understood something fully all the while completely misunderstanding it, leaving me to ignorantly misapply wisdom for even years and years. Just like a parrot...

Thanks for the excellent advice, Cmt12. It wasn't just thoughts I experienced but a feeling of exhilaration and strong goal-directness. I felt unstoppable, but you probably know the rest of that story because of this topic. I feel slow to accept and apply your words of wisdom because of that sense of deja vu, but I know they're right and I've experienced just enough to understand what it feels like to be in my head vs my body. I'm sure thing will turn out beneficially, just not the way I had expected with a Bachelor's degree in math or philosophy and a Ph.D.

I'm working on a plan to get an MRI within the next couple of months. Hopefully there's a gnawing tumor there to finish me off; otherwise, I'm just a burnt-out has-been wanna-be no-lifer that will have to spend the rest of his long and drawn-out life with the fried brain circuits all too common with psychosis from schizophrenia, according to my Psychiatrist. At least I felt a bit less miserable writing that than I thought I would because of a sense of complacency.

[Cmt12]

You sound like someone who is close to a transformation of sorts. You are aware of all the bad in your life but aren't quite sure what to do about it or how to overcome it. That's the sense I'm getting anyway.

In my experience, the way to overcome it is to channel the frustration and sense of powerlessness into the feeling of good, the feeling of peak connection and inspiration. It is almost like you are making a demand, by bringing your focus to that transcendent feeling, and saying this is what I want and I won't go back and settle anymore. If you keep choosing it, keep demanding it over and over, eventually you'll know what you need to do to make your life better. It's unconventional and uncomfortable because we have to feel our way through it blindly instead of figuring it out intellectually.

So I guess my basic advice is to search for that feeling of connection and then when you find it, lock onto it and don't let it go. Don't be satisfied with observing it but put it in your mouth and devour it. Over and over. That's the best way I can think of describing the process right now.

[firstandlast]

Okay, so everyone is coming from that point of view in which they are dealing with things as a human, who believes that the work upon bettering themselves is so; and such is not--
Everything is tipsy topsy tapsy tootsy; and I believe you have tried to dispel your ignorance with the strength you could muster, but you could never muster was not yours alone to bring--

In the way such things are as, the human condition could never be reconciled; because the amount of activity that is occuring in every moment is so vast; that as long as we think in terms of “oh I am independent and strong and can do as I wish”, and of course this is so; but as long as you do as you wish without context, the level of reality everyone is dealing with here is of such a gross level, the the subtle orbits of the mind cannot support the body it holds, because the body is too big to move in in finer ways and express itself in greater--

Think of it like this, hidden below your thoughts and cognitive abilities, everything is supported on a specific orbit, and that each idea you have and each of the ideas it's connected to, gets linked to this orbit and influences the movement of each idea in relation to each other--

The goal is to solidify these orbits into a static light in which everything can pass through everything else in increasingly greater degree’s without the orbits destroying the relationships, or the relationships destroying the orbits--

In this sense, as long as you approach your mind in terms of knowledge as it has been taught; and this is a violence upon each of our minds; because the consequences of knowledge as it stands, distances you from yourself in such a way; that if you knew what I had meant, how i had meant it, and how I would say to do it, and made it clear; you would drop these notions of intellect and ignorance and pick up your heart-- But such a thing is not easy to do, however you are in the same position as everyone else in this; you do not have a handicap--

The only real thing I can offer on this that may help you; is that the way you think is not the way you think-- Or that the way you trying to think, is not actually at all the way in which you do think; and this places everything in weak magnetics fields, and those simple realization/connections you make, may not have a chance to be reinforced in its orbit or better orbit before it is dismantled-- And if that link was a small key between big things not yet connected; much of what you have is already in your unconscious, but your subtle bodies are in such disarray that they cannot sustain your approach, as well as, because you own attention uses these paths way, you will also end up following paths that influence your conclusion, keep you from reaching a conclusion, and overall manipulates your being in every way so that even the meanings behind words retrieved are affected--

If one of these issues should reach a vital point in your being in which your physical reality it transmuted; each time it will corrupt your physical body in illness; and to the higher realms fracture your perception into oblivion (where you’ll be cool, but somewhere else as some other thing and maybe else)--

Okay well I left and forgot my place, so I will post this to add perspective; but if you are interested, I may have some things up my sleeve (no promise) on how to deal with this-- But I would have to in some manner find some specific things about the nature of your mind--

And, I am not talking about energy work (well I am), but that if I can find a few proper vital points I might be able to reconstruct some basic orbits in which to start reworking the intellect according to it as it is-- Like learning to use yourself in a new way; different than those things suggested here, as I am sincerely talking about your own ability to think; so that you might even have that option to decide not to-- Plus, it can open some new.. Things-- If you are interested in such an attempt, I would be willing to see what I can find--

[Aboriginal]

You sound like someone who is close to a transformation of sorts. You are aware of all the bad in your life but aren't quite sure what to do about it or how to overcome it. That's the sense I'm getting anyway.

In my experience, the way to overcome it is to channel the frustration and sense of powerlessness into the feeling of good, the feeling of peak connection and inspiration. It is almost like you are making a demand, by bringing your focus to that transcendent feeling, and saying this is what I want and I won't go back and settle anymore. If you keep choosing it, keep demanding it over and over, eventually you'll know what you need to do to make your life better. It's unconventional and uncomfortable because we have to feel our way through it blindly instead of figuring it out intellectually.

So I guess my basic advice is to search for that feeling of connection and then when you find it, lock onto it and don't let it go. Don't be satisfied with observing it but put it in your mouth and devour it. Over and over. That's the best way I can think of describing the process right now.

Just wanted to update and say that I've been feeling better, thanks in part to your advice, others in this thread, and Eckhart Tolle's videos as recommended by my therapist (also someone with a spiritual life).

One of the most mal-adaptive coping mechanisms that perpetuated my agony beyond basic mental illness was burying psyche-ache and letting it simmer, for the sake of lamenting not being happy because of the depressive side of my mental illness, and I didn't have the anti-depressants anymore to medicate the sadness. Being labeled with mental illness as a problem that can only be effectively treated with medicine is like thought-policing from mental health professionals, and I learned to be my own thought policeman. It was like it was not okay to feel negative emotions, but a negative perspective of negative emotions was only additive to feeling negativity.

Eventually, I reached a turning point to where I didn't care that I was becoming so negative that I could possibly undo all the good in my life and the reward I may have been storing up in Heaven. I didn't care whether I would end up going to wherever in Heaven or to the void or an earthbound state for all eternity. To hell with God and damn it all, I said. It was then that I began to feel free and capable of negative emotion without jeopardizing anything, and I came here for help of substance - spiritual wisdom. The main thing that helped here with the first steps was getting out of my head when I hadn't even realized that I was there (thx again, Cmt12 :) ).

[CrystalSong]

Where I live "Present Moment' is a big thing that many people practice, It's a form of Noticing anything that's happening that's not involved in following the thinking thoughts of the mind and getting caught up in them.

So people will stay present in their body's, being aware of the bodies feels the opening and closing of chakras, learning the body's inner language. They notice that the body has a whole range of responses to things which are said and things happening in the environment outside it and it has all sorts of energetic responses to all the stimuli. This forms a language, a form of body language which has nothing to do with posture but instead with feelings, chemicals and energies Within the body - it's way of communicating with the mind.

People also listen deeply to each other, actually listening to each other instead of preparing their respond or story or weighing debating what the other person is saying. It's a way to be very heart open and engaged without the ego running the show. Story is in many circles where I live to be avoided as it pulls us directly into brain and out of connection with others. We are talking AT them instead of sharing an experience and connection With them.

Noticing is another biggie here. Noticing and then giving appreciation and gratitude for what was noticed. Really Seeing the sky, not just glancing to check the weather, really Noticing the feeling of the dishes, the temperature of the water, the slickness of the soap when doing dishes not just perfuctually doing them while thinking about a 100 other things. It's about turning the world and one's existence into sacredness and a walking meditation. Being truly Present in the world and body and not lost in the flashing thoughts of the mind.

It is easy to recognize when the ego is in control of the experience as it is not capable of being Present Moment. Consciousness is Present Moment, but Ego is always thinking in the Past or Future. Increasing Consciousness and decreasing Ego has a lot of connections with indwelling Peace.
Learning to watch the thoughts of the mind and not be swept away by its commentary and day dreams.
Once we can watch the mind thinking we can direct it to pleasant thoughts thus raising our vibration and changing out outcome in life - moving from victim of circumstance to Creator of our perceived reality. It's a bit like being set free from prison!

[Mystic Mark]

"Is such a deep tragedy for the purpose of spiritual perfection?"

It can be. But usually that depends on the person and the circumstances surrounding their life. If there's this feeling that life is manageable, people won't seek out answers deeply enough. My own spiritual journey began back when I was in college. At the time, I was experiencing problems similar to your own. At one point, my family couldn't deal with me, so tried to put me on medication. That didn't work for me, either.

When your having problems of that nature, it's hard to find some type of suitable answer. Even spiritual answers weren't working for me. But what caused me to succeed is that I always had faith in the fact that I could change, as well as this strong desire to learn spiritual things. If you have those two things working for you, it's just a matter of time before your led to the answers. Once you begin to understand those answers, you begin to recognize the fact that things that you understood in the past just weren't understood in the correct context. What I'm trying to say is that everything that I came to understand in the past helped to pave the way for what I understand today.

The problem for the vast majority of people is that they accumulate karma faster than they can erase it. Karma has to do with memory and deeply rooted in our DNA. But the palms of the hands have a lot to do with it. That's why it's important to do things like washing the hands or rubbing them together from time to time or holding them in Namaskar. Those types of things help to erase karma or memory and prevent it from accumulating so quickly.

My own little excercise routine when I wake up in the morning is this. When I wake up, I sit up in bed, and I close my eyes, and rub the palms of my hands together briskly, then after that, with my eyes still closed, I place the palms of my hands over my eyes, almost touching, but not quite. Then I get up out of bed, and after that, I walk towards an area of my room facing East because that's the direction that the Sun is rising. Then I lay flat down on the floor on my belly with my head facing the direction of the Sun and my hands stretched out straight over my head while held in Namaskar, with my eyes closed. If you just do those two things when you wake up in the morning, you'll feel a lot more alive, and it will help to set the tone for the rest of the day.

Namaste