Life - In a bit of a Conundrum

[Volaju]

So, let me start by saying that for the past few years I've been battling parts of my psyche or soul or spirit - whatever you want to call it, that seemed to have kind of divided from my mind. Its gotten so complicated that they don't want me to refer to them as 'me.' and that the relationship is more than abusive and pretty messy at the moment.

Anyways, one part my psyche is currently going through something that's kind of effecting the whole of the individual. I'm unsure however if it an ideal about purpose or more the idea of 'why.'

Ever since I was very young - I grew up on cartoons, video games, books and adventures outside with friends playing the hero and being that way for a long time. My passion used to be drawing and writing and storytelling - I loved it, no it really was my everything. I'm quite sure I love art more than I've loved any person and I was adamant about being like the great directors and storytellers who tales told of morals and gave those underlying truths that I thought humanity needed to see nowadays. I wanted to be renown for it too - maybe even famous like they were.

Well, some time went by and something really traumatic happened to me - I went through a period of psychosis and to make a long story short - was essentially a megalomaniac with a overly inflated ego for a couple months. When I came back to reality - I realized how much I hated it, and how much I really hated the world and the things I saw in it. My life of indulging in fantasy and what-ifs backfired and gave me horrible expectations for reality. I guess I wasn't grounded, or whatever terminology they used nowadays. Now, parts of my psyche that abhor me also abhor creativity as a whole. They say that no good comes from writing these stories, if I can fall and lose my mind because of the false promises or misconceptions they give out about reality then maybe many others can as well. And everything I loved about storytelling and such suddenly became dark and double-edged. I realize that every story I make was going to have a positive and negative aspect - but considering society, the negative was going to take precedence and it wasn't going to bring any good. In the end I was going to hurt more people than help... and I've seen it, how it can effect people that way.

All and all, I guess I've given up on that part of me. But as of late my passion in just about everything has been drying up and I wonder if its because I lost my love for something that used to drive me so much. I guess I was writing this because maybe people need to know how social media effects society and certain people.

[Baile]

Sounds pretty normal for your 20's. That's the time you break out of your family past and forge your own way. And it manifests as ego and and opinionating and thinking you own the world. Everyone goes through it I think, I sure did. The key is utilizing your Saturn Return to correct any imbalances, to help set you on your true soul path for the next 2-3 decades of your life.

[Unseelie Queen]

I'm a bit unclear on what you mean here, especially regarding the stories and social media..? I'm trying to understand why you feel you cannot have creative pursuits. :


They say that no good comes from writing these stories, if I can fall and lose my mind because of the false promises or misconceptions they give out about reality then maybe many others can as well. And everything I loved about storytelling and such suddenly became dark and double-edged. I realize that every story I make was going to have a positive and negative aspect - but considering society, the negative was going to take precedence and it wasn't going to bring any good. In the end I was going to hurt more people than help... and I've seen it, how it can effect people that way.

Though I understand entirely what you mean about the mental/personality fragmentation, and the feeling as though each part rejects the other; do you happen to suffer from anxiety or intrusive thoughts as well? Negative obsessive thought-loops? (I'm asking so I have a better idea as to what to suggest) That will certainly worsen it.

Though I am still an idiot child in my 20s (twenty-SEVEN, but still) awaiting my Saturn return, I've found that shadow work can be helpful. It seems the period between 21 and 24 are especially tumultuous; virtually every repressed fear leaps out and takes new forms, bizarre complexes develop, and it's just a 24/7 non-stop terror circus in the brain. And if one isn't receiving enough love and connection (as opposed to strings of unhealthy relationships), it's like a great yawning void opens up that we frantically try to fill in various strange ways. Between the ages of 20 and 24 I would alternate between melancholic debauchery and this odd sort of attempt at asceticism in which I'd attempt to atone for my perceived flaws in rather unhealthy ways.

When you refer to storytelling becoming "dark", what do you mean? Are you referring to your emotions during, or the nature of the actual stories? (I'm assuming you are/were a writer. If you are-- and, me too by the way!!-- I find trudging through darkness is an absolute necessity at some point. Of course there are healthy and harmful ways to do this.)

This quote came to mind:
"My definition of a devil is a god who has not been recognized. That is to say, it is a power in you to which you have not given expression, and you push it back. And then, like all repressed energy, it builds up and becomes completely dangerous to the position you’re trying to hold."
— Joseph Campbell, An Open Life, p.28-29

[Volaju]

Though I understand entirely what you mean about the mental/personality fragmentation, and the feeling as though each part rejects the other; do you happen to suffer from anxiety or intrusive thoughts as well? Negative obsessive thought-loops? (I'm asking so I have a better idea as to what to suggest) That will certainly worsen it.

Yes I do.

When you refer to storytelling becoming "dark", what do you mean? Are you referring to your emotions during, or the nature of the actual stories? (I'm assuming you are/were a writer. If you are-- and, me too by the way!!-- I find trudging through darkness is an absolute necessity at some point. Of course there are healthy and harmful ways to do this.)

Pretty much, there's a good chance the stories and books and things I write will inevitably harm others and cause more wrong than it will any good. That's what I mean as the dark side of creativity. Creativity is powerful and it can have many effects on people. Maybe humanity is supposed to suffer to really become something stronger - though that's not always a good thing as some people who go through horrible beginnings [look at Hitler] and gain the knowledge they have strength may often times choose to do more harm with it than good.

But, I think I already got the answer I needed, growing up means that you sometimes have to let go of the passions you had from the past - the childish dreams I had is one of them. I don't really believe in this Saturn Return stuff.
Its just reality, its just growing up. Apparently I just need to get with the program.