I Don't Know Who I Am

[MOLA]

*Warning Lengthy Post Ahead*


It is official. I have lost sight of who I am.

I have lost sight of who I am not because I'm unable to recognize who I see in the mirror but because I see two different personalities in this reflection that I see.

The first person that I see is this very flexible, very calm, very kind and very loving individual. This person that I see is someone that is happy to see others' happiness, even when it means sacrificing my own. This person is one that will happily lend their hand to help out loved ones. This person will move mountains or die trying for their loved ones.

But the downside of this person is that he is very emotional and sometimes unable to keep his composure. Sometimes he forgets that he is someone he should love more than anything else. Sometimes he is too kind to others that he would rather fall into a hole than saying no. This person is weak. This person caters to other people too much; too much empathy.

The second person that I see in this reflection is that of a much darker scale. I see someone who is selfish and willing to do anything to achieve his desires. I see someone who is manipulative and sometimes too smart for his own good that he overcomplicates this. I see someone who is a victim of the modern world; having a mindset that any act of kindness is a reciprocal action waiting to happen. Ambition is very high in this person

The downside? Sometimes very uncaring, sometimes very cruel, sometimes too calculative, too manipulative and too negative.

So how do I decide who I am? I feel like someone with bipolar personality that can alternate occasionally and this messes up everything in my life, if it hasn't already.

Anyone else ever feel like this?

[naturesflow]

*Warning Lengthy Post Ahead*


It is official. I have lost sight of who I am.

I have lost sight of who I am not because I'm unable to recognize who I see in the mirror but because I see two different personalities in this reflection that I see.

The first person that I see is this very flexible, very calm, very kind and very loving individual. This person that I see is someone that is happy to see others' happiness, even when it means sacrificing my own. This person is one that will happily lend their hand to help out loved ones. This person will move mountains or die trying for their loved ones.

But the downside of this person is that he is very emotional and sometimes unable to keep his composure. Sometimes he forgets that he is someone he should love more than anything else. Sometimes he is too kind to others that he would rather fall into a hole than saying no. This person is weak. This person caters to other people too much; too much empathy.

The second person that I see in this reflection is that of a much darker scale. I see someone who is selfish and willing to do anything to achieve his desires. I see someone who is manipulative and sometimes too smart for his own good that he overcomplicates this. I see someone who is a victim of the modern world; having a mindset that any act of kindness is a reciprocal action waiting to happen. Ambition is very high in this person

The downside? Sometimes very uncaring, sometimes very cruel, sometimes too calculative, too manipulative and too negative.

So how do I decide who I am? I feel like someone with bipolar personality that can alternate occasionally and this messes up everything in my life, if it hasn't already.

Anyone else ever feel like this?


If you wish to rule out any mental illness and feel you need support in this, sometimes it is best to seek out help and support with a qualified person.

Aside from this. Owning all parts of yourself playing out in everyway we are is part of ending our own separation, where we know and feel we are more than all this. Even as it may have been conditioned in you through external means, it can still become a part of you that requires you to identify and release yourself from this if it is something you wish to be freed from.

We become a sum of all conditioning in us, so the reflections can be very real and require us to look more deeply at ourselves in this way. The shadow side or conditioned self when realized opens you to more love and joy of being your more connected and aware true self that you see in yourself as well.

So perhaps right now you are seeing both and perhaps tomorrow or next year you will see more of the real you that you want to be seen as. Depending on what you do to help yourself to build and gain this state of being.

When you announce to the world you don't know who you are. It is a good place to begin looking more deeply at becoming who you are and wish to be.


I forgot to say, I use to feel like this when more in aspects of myself I didn't like, so naturally life and experiences helped me to let go of what no longer wished to be in me and allow more of what I loved about myself. So kind of like clearing out what wasn't in line with the person I knew I could be and was deeper. I don't feel like this now.

[H:O:R:A:C:E]

imagine a stick figure man who lives alone on a 2-dimensional sheet of paper.
he explores his world and is generally satisfied with what he discovers.
at some point he decides that he wants to understand the nature of himself
at a "deeper level".
he develops a mechanism to expand his consciousness into an extra dimension.
from that newly created perspective, he can view himself in a way that he
had never been able to do before.
^ this could be what you have done Molattee.
there is a new "contrast" of perspective that you have achieved.
the thing to do now is to integrate the separate perspectives into a
single unified whole. neither perspective of self is wholly true or wholly false.
your true being is a composite of portions of each viewpoint.
know yourself through your feelings....
projections have no substance, and there is no feeling to them
"from the inside". those are merely reflections of you.
the process of integration can be experienced quickly, or over a sustained
time frame -- proceed at a comfortable pace.
to go ultra-fast, find your "seed atom", the smallest whole DNA-type pattern
of your being, and allow everything else to crystallize in support of that.

decide to feel good about yourself, and go from there.
be honest and don't exclude "uncomfortable" conceptions due to
judgments concerning what is proper or acceptable.
just be. be yourself.
namaste, H:O:R:A:C:E

[Baile]

You posted this four weeks ago:
I'm in an relationship with a dominant and abusive woman... she belittles me for pointing out her mistakes as if I'm doing it to humiliate her. God knows how tired I am of trying to make things work and never get appreciated one bit for the effort that I give.That is the problem. And you will begin to know yourself once more, after you extricate yourself from this abusive and obviously dysfunctional relationship. It's a life lesson everyone learns, I had to learn it twice in this lifetime before I got free. And now I'm me, finally.

[Baile]

Life is a dance, and sometimes wisdom is this simple:

Dysfunctional relationship dance: :sad11:
Free from dysfunction dance: :wav:

[H:O:R:A:C:E]

Life is a dance, and sometimes wisdom is this simple:

Dysfunctional relationship dance: :sad11:
Free from dysfunction dance: :wav:

here's a tune for that dance:
Harry Belafonte ~ Jump In The Line:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bk3sLHZzZRI

[Baile]

Found another of your very recent posts:yes I am down for the moment. I fear I may only have one more month before I am in serious financial situation.Molattee, please listen to my story. I was in my 20's when I linked up with a dominating partner who physically, emotionally and mentally abused me. That relationship lasted 10 years, mostly because I was so beat down, I believed I was the problem. Your post above could have been written by me at that time in my life.

Well I freed myself of all that, only to jump into another dysfunctional relationship. Just as much mental abuse, plus this time I ended up taking on debt up to my ears - mortgage, credit cards - while she paid for and owed nothing. 10 more years of that and one day I came home and she had moved out, leaving me with a financial mess that took years to clear up. When all was said and done and the house sold, she walked away with $40,000, and I was $30,000 in the hole.

This is what happens when you do not assert your self and your ego, when the situation calls for it. And many times in life, the situation calls for it.

There is nothing wrong with you. Do not let others poison your mind about who you are. Everything you are questioning right now, is being viewed through the distorted lens of your current unhappy situation. You are experiencing disaster right now, so of course you are going to see your life as disastrous, and you as a disaster.

The only way to get a correct read on where you are at, and what you need to work on, is by first removing the turmoil in your life. That is your one priority right now. Only then, after you are free from that dysfunctional stress, can you sit down and properly assess who you are, and what you want in life, and where you want to go from here.

[Michelle11]

Molattee, we all have two sides to us, a positive and a negative side. The problem arises when we see them as good and bad and use them as ways to define who we are as people. There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries to keep from being taken advantage of in life and anger in and of itself isn't bad. It is a necessary emotion to keep us safe from harm and can motivate us to action when fear wants to take over but so long as we are avoiding violence it is a healthy emotion. When we don't feel like we are worthy we can sometimes resort to people pleasing to gain the acceptance we think we are lacking in life. The thing is the acceptance we think we lack is really that we don't accept ourselves. I have struggled myself with a very similar dilemma and I am learning that emotions aren't bad or good. They are there to help us navigate our experience. If difficult or negative ones come up that simply means some fear or false belief is hidden and looking to get noticed so that it can be cleared. So rather than use your doormat habits and aggressiveness as ways to define your lack of worth or badness simply ask yourself what is bringing up the feelings. The more you get curious about the emotions that are coming up the more you will discover about yourself, your fears and limiting thoughts that are keeping you stuck in repeating negative patterns. So check out Mindfulness if you haven't heard of it. It's really done wonders to help me get to the root of my black and white thinking and my defeatist and even sometimes self destructive perceptions.

We are human with human psyches that sometimes think or cause us to behave negatively. Our soul doesn't see it as bad. Most of the time, well likely all of the time something negative comes up in someone, it is done as a defensive protective measure and because of that our soul simply sees us as children who just haven't yet understood or seen their true value. Our soul is pure and is always pure. In my self discovery journey I came across an analogy that really struck a chord with me. Who we are is like the Sun, shining bright and strong. Sometimes however, our perception of our true shining self gets blocked by some clouds. Sometimes those clouds can be pretty dark and stormy and seem to never part but regardless how thick or stormy they are the sun still shines brilliantly behind those clouds. So it is really just a matter of clearing out the clouded thinking that is blocking us from seeing our true nature as opposed to our nature being something to be rejected. I came across a speech on self acceptance and they guy said that the very pursuit of self improvement is an act of self rejection because it causes us to live in the view that we aren't already whole. There isn't anything that needs to be fixed or changed. Just our perception that there is something wrong with us.

Try to see your behaviors and responses to life as less of a character flaw and simply as the way you cope with life because you haven't been taught healthy ways. I know my parents didn't teach me how to manage emotions in a healthy way but that is because they were never taught themselves. We don't know what we don't know until we know it. But we can learn healthier coping strategies at any point in our life. Your emotions and reactions to life are really just your guide posts to what thinking needs shifting. They are not a reflection of your true self. Your true self is eternal and unconditional love. Take care.

[Mr Interesting]

I was in a relationship years and years ago with a woman who could be construed as domineering and all that stuff except I found it was really quite fun. It was like she'd set me all these really impractical and over zealous requirements and I'd just go out into the world and try my best to achieve all this stuff... it was like go out there and fail and as long as I just kept to my best I'd always end up landing on my feet but it was quite wasteful fun in the end. I kinda finally realised I was just as culpable as she was as I was using her, and admittedly somewhat dishonestly, to deny my own sense of what I could achieve.

It was in a book called 'the artists way' where it was all laid out in black and white where we ask these super self important people into our lives so we can orbit around them and deny ourselves because we have to save their sorry proverbial...

Now it's years and years and years later and I do feel fondly for her because she was strong enough within herself to give me the lesson I needed.

But yes we are all guilty of inflicting upon ourselves personalities we should be and suffer the consequences between that and what we actually are but at the same time why not do what's wrong to figure out what's right... yes, it is rather wasteful but maybe there's always enough slush in the world to soak up all the ignorance and play it all back to us as the righteousness we all actually are.

I wouldn't call it an alter ego but one of the things I've kinda got is idiot boy and it's really just an allowance in myself that I could at any single time and place be completely wrong but it also has an edge of being able to laugh at that and be joyous that I can fail with a sense of slap stick embraced with confidence.

You don't know who you are? Wow, that means you can be anyone!

Oh and yesterday on this little house I'm building which is altogether taking up far more of my time than I envisaged I looked up to see Tuttie (a cat) sitting right up on the peak, the ridge line. looking all chuffed with himself being the absolute leader in all that can be pervayed and I too was chuffed as I knew he'd actually climbed the ladder to get up there... all was right in the world with such strong and noble kitty cats at play. Then I was inside this little house doing this and that and heard some scratchy scratchy up above, which stopped, then there was more and I looked out the window to see a cat in mid twist falling down to the weeds. So I went outside... It was admittedly very funny but concern was there too and then, sheepishly but all in one piece and not limping from having landed on a thorn of the blackberries he fell into, came Tuttie... 'you saw that eh?' she seemed to say, 'Woah, it might even have been fun... except you did see the pride too...'

[Floatsy]

*Heartwarming smile*

What a beautiful Tuttie! Thanks for the story.

[cahill]

*Warning Lengthy Post Ahead*


It is official. I have lost sight of who I am.

I have lost sight of who I am not because I'm unable to recognize who I see in the mirror but because I see two different personalities in this reflection that I see.

The first person that I see is this very flexible, very calm, very kind and very loving individual. This person that I see is someone that is happy to see others' happiness, even when it means sacrificing my own. This person is one that will happily lend their hand to help out loved ones. This person will move mountains or die trying for their loved ones.

But the downside of this person is that he is very emotional and sometimes unable to keep his composure. Sometimes he forgets that he is someone he should love more than anything else. Sometimes he is too kind to others that he would rather fall into a hole than saying no. This person is weak. This person caters to other people too much; too much empathy.

The second person that I see in this reflection is that of a much darker scale. I see someone who is selfish and willing to do anything to achieve his desires. I see someone who is manipulative and sometimes too smart for his own good that he overcomplicates this. I see someone who is a victim of the modern world; having a mindset that any act of kindness is a reciprocal action waiting to happen. Ambition is very high in this person

The downside? Sometimes very uncaring, sometimes very cruel, sometimes too calculative, too manipulative and too negative.

So how do I decide who I am? I feel like someone with bipolar personality that can alternate occasionally and this messes up everything in my life, if it hasn't already.

Anyone else ever feel like this?

We all go through this battle. We lived for so long within our ego, it isn't going down without a fight. But it's ok. It's not that hard to put it's butt beside the curb.

Being kind to those that probably wouldn't spit on us if our guts were on fire is part of who we are. It's part of being on this spiritual journey. That let's us know we are on the right track. This was Jesus' only request before his crucifixion. Love one another no matter what. We are not to judge others and mistreat them because they have done wrong. We pray for them and love them.

When thoughts and feelings other than the ones that stem from unconditional love invade you, recognize them. Recognize them for what they are. Worthless. Let them go and replace them with what you should be feeling. The ego will quickly fade.

[wolfgaze]

It's a process of elmination...

Seek to determine all that you are not - and work to relinquish conscious identification with those former reference points for establishing your 'sense of self'... For example:

Are you your career or professional title?
Are you your relationship status?
Are you your nationality?
Are you your race?
Are you your gender?
Are you your physical body?
Are you your thoughts?
Are you your emotions?

Over time, what remains is who/what you are....

It's necessary to experience losing your 'self' (your old, former 'self') in order to find the real 'self' (your true nature/essence/identity)...

:icon_smile:

~WOLF

[vgemini]

Whoa! This is me to a T. Trying to find the balance and know who exactly am I

*Warning Lengthy Post Ahead*


It is official. I have lost sight of who I am.

I have lost sight of who I am not because I'm unable to recognize who I see in the mirror but because I see two different personalities in this reflection that I see.

The first person that I see is this very flexible, very calm, very kind and very loving individual. This person that I see is someone that is happy to see others' happiness, even when it means sacrificing my own. This person is one that will happily lend their hand to help out loved ones. This person will move mountains or die trying for their loved ones.

But the downside of this person is that he is very emotional and sometimes unable to keep his composure. Sometimes he forgets that he is someone he should love more than anything else. Sometimes he is too kind to others that he would rather fall into a hole than saying no. This person is weak. This person caters to other people too much; too much empathy.

The second person that I see in this reflection is that of a much darker scale. I see someone who is selfish and willing to do anything to achieve his desires. I see someone who is manipulative and sometimes too smart for his own good that he overcomplicates this. I see someone who is a victim of the modern world; having a mindset that any act of kindness is a reciprocal action waiting to happen. Ambition is very high in this person

The downside? Sometimes very uncaring, sometimes very cruel, sometimes too calculative, too manipulative and too negative.

So how do I decide who I am? I feel like someone with bipolar personality that can alternate occasionally and this messes up everything in my life, if it hasn't already.

Anyone else ever feel like this?

[Deusdrum]

Don't know who you are? Then be whomever you like.

Just be honest about it. Where do your allegiances lie.

Not meaning to downplay the issue w/ a one liner, i know what it's like to get lost.

David Bowie once said (sang rather);

' ..So I turned myself to face me,
but I've never caught a glimpse..' http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/davidbowie/changes.html

"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you." -attr. to Dr. J. Christ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMu47CsLm0M

[Shivani Devi]

All I can say is, I wish I could lose sight of who I am. Consider yourself blessed.

[Baile]

All I can say is, I wish I could lose sight of who I am. Consider yourself blessed.You're referring to loss (control) of ego self, Molatee is experiencing a crisis of self-understanding. Those are two different things.

[A human Being]

We all go through this battle. We lived for so long within our ego, it isn't going down without a fight. But it's ok. It's not that hard to put it's butt beside the curb.

Being kind to those that probably wouldn't spit on us if our guts were on fire is part of who we are. It's part of being on this spiritual journey. That let's us know we are on the right track. This was Jesus' only request before his crucifixion. Love one another no matter what. We are not to judge others and mistreat them because they have done wrong. We pray for them and love them.

When thoughts and feelings other than the ones that stem from unconditional love invade you, recognize them. Recognize them for what they are. Worthless. Let them go and replace them with what you should be feeling. The ego will quickly fade.
Lovely post, cahill :smile:

Though it can feel daunting to have that sense that you don't know who you are, it's a good place from which to start. That teaching from Ramana Maharshi often comes back to me, at times like this:

Let what comes, comes, and let what goes, go; you are what remains
Of course the trap we can fall into is to try and work this out, like it's a riddle, but who we are exists prior to thought, so we won't arrive at an answer through thinking. I can tell you what I perceive myself to be, which is a great silence, a vast emptiness, an all-embracing peace and love, but if we don't perceive it for ourselves, it's all just words.

All I can say is, I wish I could lose sight of who I am. Consider yourself blessed.
If you don't mind my asking - who are you?

[Baile]

If you don't mind my asking - who are you?I woke up in a Soho doorway and a policeman knew my name. That much I know.

:icon_rr:

[A human Being]

I woke up in a Soho doorway and a policeman knew my name. That much I know.

:icon_rr:
I'll bet that was a wake-up call, in more ways than one :biggrin:

[Shivani Devi]

If you don't mind my asking - who are you?I am whoever or whatever you think I am.

You're referring to loss (control) of ego self, Molatee is experiencing a crisis of self-understanding. Those are two different things.Fair enough. I was only trying an 'astral soul jolt' which was unsuccessful.

[Baile]

I am whoever or whatever you think I am.

Fair enough. I was only trying an 'astral soul jolt' which was unsuccessful.I know what you're getting at, I suppose I was trying to differentiate the stages of self-identification we go through over the course of a lifetime.

Our environment is our self as children. We are then ripped away from that, and end up feeling lost in the world. Then we grab the world with our ego and that becomes our self-identity for a time. Then when that approach starts to disintegrate and fail us, we scrabble for some other, higher understanding regarding self-identity questions, which often includes belief in ego annihilation as an extreme reactionary response.

[Shivani Devi]

I know what you're getting at, I suppose I was trying to differentiate the stages of self-identification we go through over the course of a lifetime.

Our environment is our self as children. We are then ripped away from that, and end up feeling lost in the world. Then we grab the world with our ego and that becomes our self-identity for a time. Then when that approach starts to disintegrate and fail us, we scrabble for some other, higher understanding regarding self-identity questions, which often includes belief in ego annihilation as an extreme reactionary response.Yes. Consideration and empathy aren't really my strong suits. I am as literal and straight to the point as they come - I guess it's just a lesson I need to learn this time around, but beating around the bush to get there seems like it's just a waste of time and the only alternative for me becomes total silence both online and off. Hence why I act the way I do sometimes.

[Baile]

Yes. Consideration and empathy aren't really my strong suits. I am as literal and straight to the point as they come - I guess it's just a lesson I need to learn this time around, but beating around the bush to get there seems like it's just a waste of time and the only alternative for me becomes total silence both online and off. Hence why I act the way I do sometimes.We respond in the way we need to, in that particular moment, so that's never a worry as I see it. As long as one is always conscious of their intent. Sometimes the situation calls for tippy-toeing, sometimes a cold bucket of water.

[Shivani Devi]

Sometimes the situation calls for tippy-toeing, sometimes a cold bucket of water....and being autistic, it's hard for me to tell the difference and there's the rub.

[A human Being]

I am whoever or whatever you think I am.
Whoever or whatever I think you are is just an image in my mind, and has nothing to do with what you really are. So I don't understand where you're coming from, it feels to me like you're being evasive because you aren't comfortable with the question. Or maybe I should have phrased the question differently: who do you think you are?

(You're under no obligation to answer the question, of course, but if you do, please refrain from swerving it by making it about me.)

[Baile]

...and being autistic, it's hard for me to tell the difference and there's the rub.That's an interesting point. We tend to respond and react the same way to everyone, as if people are all the same. But conscious response takes into account the specific individual one is responding to. That's why the social element is so important in communication, and where internet communication fails. Knowing who the person is, and their background, helps determine how one might best respond to that person. And also how to best take in what that person has to offer as input.

[Shivani Devi]

Whoever or whatever I think you are is just an image in my mind, and has nothing to do with what you really are. So I don't understand where you're coming from, it feels to me like you're being evasive because you aren't comfortable with the question. Or maybe I should have phrased the question differently: who do you think you are?

(You're under no obligation to answer the question, of course, but if you do, please refrain from swerving it by making it about me.)I'm not trying to be evasive. I am trying to put it into perspective.

Some people think I am crazy, so to them, I am crazy. Some people think I am misguided, so to them, I am misguided. Some people think I'm a genius, so to them, I am a genius and so forth, however I identify with none of these things. People can praise me or insult me and it's all the same - I care not. Hence why I said what I did. People will form their own impressions based on what they believe and what their mind and experience tells them. It is called cognitive dissonance. I have tried to experience this cognitive dissonance, but all my efforts to do so, end up with me appearing as a 'fake person' - maybe I'm just trying too hard.

As to who do I think I am? Whatever I 'thought' wouldn't be it and that much I know from just thinking way too much about the whole thing.

[Shivani Devi]

That's why the social element is so important in communication, and where internet communication fails. This is also where I may have a slight advantage in some regard. The social element of communication is almost non-existent in my case. Things like intent, gestures, body language and social rules totally elude me. I live alone and rarely go out because I'm either being overstimulated by the slightest noise, or I can't make sense of how people change their minds like every 5 minutes. Human behaviour is unpredictable and that's what puts me on edge.

On the internet, it's like an 'even playing field' and we're all in the same boat. It's akin to a blind person who can see in the dark better than a sighted person because they are more used to being blind....something like that.

I also realise I'm derailing this, so I should let others talk to the opening poster now.

[Baile]

People can praise me or insult me and it's all the same - I care not.You're making a valid point about peoples' opinions. I don't let peoples' judgment of me, sway me, sure. But I still "care" if they're praising me or insulting me. And I say that because the responses we get from people, are a mirror we can use to adjust and fine tune how we are in the world. If I'm plowing through life and people are responding with negativity and insults, then that tells me I need to look at something in me and my behavior. Likewise if I respond to people in a way that appears to make people feel good and, in the process, praise and thank me, then maybe I'm on to something good there, something I might want to do a lot more of!

But all this depends on one's level of self-awareness and self-honesty, and so forth. I happy with who I am, and I know myself well enough that I don't need to impress people any longer. Which frees me up to be my true self. It's my true self I'm continually working on now. And if someone mirrors something back to me that sparks my conscious attention, something I can incorporate into my continuing self-development, then I'll look at that.

[Shivani Devi]

You're making a valid point about peoples' opinions. I don't let peoples' judgment of me, sway me, sure. But I still "care" if they're praising me or insulting me. And I say that because the responses we get from people, are a mirror we can use to adjust and fine tune how we are in the world.However, many of these opinions about how we should be/do/act are totally contradictory so the mirror is shattered in the first place. People will only help us according to how they feel we should be helped based on their own beliefs of what we 'need' and don't listen when we express our actual needs because they are 'doing what is best' (or what they think is best anyway).

I have just found that people can say something one day, then something different another day, so which day is the right day?

I can't work, I can't socialise, I have no friends, because I can only tolerate the company of another human being for about an hour or so before I start fretting - even my own mother.

Is it any wonder I am clairaudient?

[WabiSabi]

Wow, reading that was like talking to myself. I don't even really know where to start. But here we go.

You are you, nothing more and nothing less. You have always been you, and you will always be you. No matter what happens, the one thing that can never be taken from you, that can never be lost or stolen or broken, is your self.

So what about these two different personalities you speak of? I was in the same place as you just recently. I had all of these conflicting desires and and I felt like I could observe myself fighting with myself, and I felt like I was splitting in half. So I will tell you this. These two different sides of your self that you refer to, the selfish and the selfless, they are not you. Neither of them are you. They are aspects of your Ego. But your Ego is not you, your Ego is not what experiences this life. Yes, your Ego does indeed react to external stimuli, but at the same time your Ego is an experience. You, your real self, experiences your Ego, experiences your thoughts and emotions and desires in just the same way that it experiences external things.

Most people are completely lost in their Ego, they never even think to lay back and observe their Ego. The fact that you are indeed able to observe your Ego and see that it has these different, conflicting aspects about it means that you are on the right path to realizing who you really are.

The reason why you are so upset about it at all is this. When you, the you that experiences existence, steps back and observes the Ego, the Ego observes itself. And the Ego can't handle that, because the Ego is attached to a concrete notion of self. When the Ego observes itself, it sees itself for what it really is, ephemeral, contradictory, ever-changing in nature. And the Ego starts becoming anxious as it realizes that it was never what it thought it was, when it realizes that it was never a static, permanent existence. It starts fighting itself, and feeling like "I don't know who I am."

For most people, the Ego is in control, and they associate completely with their Ego. They don't think they are anything but their Ego. But in reality the Ego is just a tool, like a suit of armor. It is meant to be used, to be controlled by your real self. In your case, the control is shifting. Your Ego has realized that it is not what it thought it was, and it is having trouble coming to terms with it.

And there is nothing I can do for you that will fix your problem (it's not even really a problem). All I can say is this. Your spiritual journey is well underway. Avoid the trap of falling into depression, which in this case would be if the Ego regains control but still retains the knowledge that it isn't real in a permanent sense. Instead, take care of yourself, practice control of yourself. Eat healthy, drink plenty of water, sleep plenty, and exercise. Do these things, and continue your observation. Continue to watch your Ego and see it for what it really is. Watch your Ego with the knowledge that it is not you, but something that you experience.

[Baile]

However, many of these opinions about how we should be/do/act are totally contradictory so the mirror is shattered in the first place. People will only help us according to how they feel we should be helped based on their own beliefs of what we 'need' and don't listen when we express our actual needs because they are 'doing what is best' (or what they think is best anyway).Yes, and you can believe in yourself, and have confidence to know the difference. I can discern the difference between peoples' opinions (which doesn't matter), versus peoples' sincere, authentic mirroring of my behavior and how it is affecting them (which does matter).

Once one understands who they are, life becomes a happy self-awareness evolution journey that never ends. Life mirrors everything back at us, that's how self-development works, it's nothing we have to over-think and second-guess. It's about using that process as a self-awareness tool for personal growth.

[Shivani Devi]

Yes, and you can believe in yourself, and have confidence to know the difference. I can discern the difference between peoples' opinions (which doesn't matter), versus peoples' sincere, authentic mirroring of my behavior and how it is affecting them (which does matter).

Once one understands who they are, life becomes a happy self-awareness evolution journey that never ends. Life mirrors everything back at us, that's how self-development works, it's nothing we have to over-think and second-guess. It's about using that process as a self-awareness tool for personal growth.
This is the lesson, isn't it?

To be able to know which spirits are demons and which spirits are angels by raising our awareness and vibration and sometimes, we find that the angels were disguised as the demons all along but we didn't have any way of knowing it until we understood it.

I guess I chose the path of self-annihilation over self-development because it was just a heck of a lot easier for me to accomplish given all the barriers that stood in my way.

It's like I missed the book 'being human for dummies' that accompanies each soul in this life cycle and hence I retreated into a world of pure logic and science because I felt comfortable there.

[Baile]

To be able to know which spirits are demons and which spirits are angelsSomething that helped me a few years back: Does it matter? Really? It hit me one day: My failures in this life haven't been failures. They're success stories. They have successfully lead to my becoming aware of what I need to do in the future, in order to avoid failing again.

Judas wasn't a demon. His actions lead to what Christianity understands to be the greatest moment in human evolution. Without Judas' act, none of that would have taken place. So demon, like failure, is really just about perspective. The JC Superstar movie had it right BTW, Judas was portrayed in heaven with angels, singing the finale.

Disclaimer: I am not religious and the above example is intended for thoughtful-consideration purposes only!

[Shivani Devi]

Something that helped me a few years back: Does it matter? Really? It hit me one day: My failures in this life haven't been failures. They're success stories. They have successfully lead to my becoming aware of what I need to do in the future, in order to avoid failing again.

Judas wasn't a demon. His actions lead to what Christianity understands to be the greatest moment in human evolution. Without Judas' act, none of that would have taken place. So demon, like failure, is really just about perspective. The JC Superstar movie had it right BTW, Judas was portrayed in heaven with angels, singing the finale.

Disclaimer: I am not religious and the above example is intended for thoughtful-consideration purposes only!No, it doesn't matter really, but to many other people it seems to matter....a lot. Those people you may probably see as mirrors to your own soul.

Honestly, all I have to go on is what I am receiving in spirit now and others making unsubstantiated 'guesses' based on my own personal experiences. This fully led me to believe that my spirit guide was a lower-level 'trickster demon' with evil intentions and that I had to 'raise my kundalini' to attract higher beings of love and light etc etc...no people, I just had to stop listening to all your trash to already notice that my spirit guide wasn't a malevolent being whatsoever.

Even though I realise that eventually I must give up my gifts to find the truth, for now I just live in the Astral until the spirits have no more they can share with me (or until I decide that it's time to get serious about finding god/losing ego again).

[Jyotir]

*Warning Lengthy Post Ahead*


It is official. I have lost sight of who I am.

I have lost sight of who I am not because I'm unable to recognize who I see in the mirror but because I see two different personalities in this reflection that I see.

The first person that I see is this very flexible, very calm, very kind and very loving individual. This person that I see is someone that is happy to see others' happiness, even when it means sacrificing my own. This person is one that will happily lend their hand to help out loved ones. This person will move mountains or die trying for their loved ones.

But the downside of this person is that he is very emotional and sometimes unable to keep his composure. Sometimes he forgets that he is someone he should love more than anything else. Sometimes he is too kind to others that he would rather fall into a hole than saying no. This person is weak. This person caters to other people too much; too much empathy.

The second person that I see in this reflection is that of a much darker scale. I see someone who is selfish and willing to do anything to achieve his desires. I see someone who is manipulative and sometimes too smart for his own good that he overcomplicates this. I see someone who is a victim of the modern world; having a mindset that any act of kindness is a reciprocal action waiting to happen. Ambition is very high in this person

The downside? Sometimes very uncaring, sometimes very cruel, sometimes too calculative, too manipulative and too negative.

So how do I decide who I am? I feel like someone with bipolar personality that can alternate occasionally and this messes up everything in my life, if it hasn't already.

Anyone else ever feel like this?





Hi Molatee,

Does one really "decide" this?

Suggesting that you haven’t “lost sight” of who you are - e.g., did you really know this already?? - -- but that you are acquiring a new sight, because your perspective is deepening and widening. Naturally this feels a little disorienting at first; it would have to.

If you don’t know who you are, that is a good basis for finding out. After all, "Who am I?" is the most important question anyone could ask. And it takes a fair bit of 'work' to even get to that point of asking the question.

It seems you are in a good ‘place’, because you are aware of issues and trying to resolve the external conflicts by identifying the internal ones. And it's in the reconciliation of those internal conflicts by higher principle which leads to the reconciliation of the outer conflicts via truth discovery which is the same as self-discovery.

If one works on that as the general premise, that tends to have a positive effect on all of the subsidiary details, including human relations which are a good laboratory of experience for working out this inquiry, “Who am I?”.

The thing is, once a conflict is illumined, and can be resolved peacefully and harmoniously - meaning everyone benefits - it is then important to actualize it decisively, which moves one closer to the answer of that monumental question.

BTW, it is therefore not a weakness to be true to your true-self in the process of that search, either in asking the question or in looking for the answer.

~ J

[A human Being]

I'm not trying to be evasive. I am trying to put it into perspective.

Some people think I am crazy, so to them, I am crazy. Some people think I am misguided, so to them, I am misguided. Some people think I'm a genius, so to them, I am a genius and so forth, however I identify with none of these things. People can praise me or insult me and it's all the same - I care not. Hence why I said what I did. People will form their own impressions based on what they believe and what their mind and experience tells them. It is called cognitive dissonance. I have tried to experience this cognitive dissonance, but all my efforts to do so, end up with me appearing as a 'fake person' - maybe I'm just trying too hard.

As to who do I think I am? Whatever I 'thought' wouldn't be it and that much I know from just thinking way too much about the whole thing.
I'm going to be really blunt here, Necromancer - you said people can think what they want about you, you care not. But the impression I get is that you care an awful lot, that negative judgments hurt you, deep down, but you're unwilling to admit it because you don't think you can bear it.

I could have it all wrong though, and it isn't my intention to cause offence. I can relate to your difficulties being around people, I used to find it very difficult because I felt like I had to put on an act, I felt like I couldn't be myself. At the root of that was a fear that people would see the 'real' me - which was nothing but a negative self-image (it took me until the age of 30 to recognise its illusory nature). It was only in retrospect that I realised that I'd been looking at people through the lens of my own poor self-image - which is to say, I hadn't been seeing them at all, I was too self absorbed.

[Shivani Devi]

I'm going to be really blunt here, Necromancer - you said people can think what they want about you, you care not. But the impression I get is that you care an awful lot, that negative judgments hurt you, deep down, but you're unwilling to admit it because you don't think you can bear it. Hence why I stated at the outset, I am whatever you want me to be due to your own impressions and assumptions of me.

Do you know why I don't care anymore? because after 50 years I have become totally desensitised to criticism. Why do you think the term 'haters gonna hate' exists? there's a reason for it.

However, if you feel that way, you feel that way whether it is true or not, you'll still feel that way regardless.

And please allow bluntness in return, but you are only proving my initial response to you with these following allegations are you not?

Now, if you'll all excuse me, I must retire for the evening.

[RyanWind]

Wow, reading that was like talking to myself. I don't even really know where to start. But here we go.

You are you, nothing more and nothing less. You have always been you, and you will always be you. No matter what happens, the one thing that can never be taken from you, that can never be lost or stolen or broken, is your self.

So what about these two different personalities you speak of? I was in the same place as you just recently. I had all of these conflicting desires and and I felt like I could observe myself fighting with myself, and I felt like I was splitting in half. So I will tell you this. These two different sides of your self that you refer to, the selfish and the selfless, they are not you. Neither of them are you. They are aspects of your Ego. But your Ego is not you, your Ego is not what experiences this life. Yes, your Ego does indeed react to external stimuli, but at the same time your Ego is an experience. You, your real self, experiences your Ego, experiences your thoughts and emotions and desires in just the same way that it experiences external things.

Most people are completely lost in their Ego, they never even think to lay back and observe their Ego. The fact that you are indeed able to observe your Ego and see that it has these different, conflicting aspects about it means that you are on the right path to realizing who you really are.

The reason why you are so upset about it at all is this. When you, the you that experiences existence, steps back and observes the Ego, the Ego observes itself. And the Ego can't handle that, because the Ego is attached to a concrete notion of self. When the Ego observes itself, it sees itself for what it really is, ephemeral, contradictory, ever-changing in nature. And the Ego starts becoming anxious as it realizes that it was never what it thought it was, when it realizes that it was never a static, permanent existence. It starts fighting itself, and feeling like "I don't know who I am."

For most people, the Ego is in control, and they associate completely with their Ego. They don't think they are anything but their Ego. But in reality the Ego is just a tool, like a suit of armor. It is meant to be used, to be controlled by your real self. In your case, the control is shifting. Your Ego has realized that it is not what it thought it was, and it is having trouble coming to terms with it.

And there is nothing I can do for you that will fix your problem (it's not even really a problem). All I can say is this. Your spiritual journey is well underway. Avoid the trap of falling into depression, which in this case would be if the Ego regains control but still retains the knowledge that it isn't real in a permanent sense. Instead, take care of yourself, practice control of yourself. Eat healthy, drink plenty of water, sleep plenty, and exercise. Do these things, and continue your observation. Continue to watch your Ego and see it for what it really is. Watch your Ego with the knowledge that it is not you, but something that you experience.

I enjoyed your post. You have the whole front end... musings about the experience of the conceptual and divided self... the ego and thought...then the end part... eat healthy, drink plenty of water, exercise...continue your observation... it's like the wisdom of a master, a sage...very zen. :smile:

One idea I had recently that I find interesting is the notion of things like thoughts and ideas etc not being conscious. Consciousness is the experience of being the one, the thing there that is observing, the thing that things happen to. It's like being a camera with 5 inputs for data. Sight, sound, touch, smell, taste...but then there's another input, the mysterious number 6. This is like a data chip in the camera that feeds a running commentary on the other 5 inputs...and on itself....! So, you as a camera, being in this world experiencing are constantly being fed data from your 5 senses and being fed data from the mysterious 6th input, thought. Thought is also a trip because it is formulated from it's own sources. It acts as a self referencing enclosed loop. It has memories, which it accesses and knowledge it accesses, stored information and data about everything "out there" it knows and experiences. So say your mother walks into the room and says, "OMG your house is a mess as usual," what happens? Well you have the data input from your 5 senses.... you see your mother, smell her perfume, hear her voice...but then the mysterious input source of data...your thoughts is experienced as well! Your thoughts access memory, all the stored "data" you have on your mother...like... she said this yesterday! OMG shes mean.... always criticizing me....," and this links up to memories and stored thoughts you have about yourself .. "well she is right..... I am a mess...why can't I clean my house? I'm disgusting........." One of the most interesting things about this 6th data input to experience is it is in itself a creator of data.

Thought is not a passive source of input/output. Like say you meet a person named Jous for the first time and they compliment you. You think, wow Jous is a nice person. It's not just the data from the 5 senses that is stored in memory. The thoughts you have about the experience are also stored and become "reality" as well. The next time you meet Jous you have the memory of the first experience AND the memory of what you THOUGHT about that experience. Every thought you have is stored in memory as data just as is data from the 5 senses.

So here you are in this present moment. You have data coming in from the 5 senses. Then also, you have data coming in from the 6th data input... what you are thinking about....! This, imho, is what mystics are talking about. Separating consciousness from identifying with this other input. Like say you are a mystic, zen master... your mom walks in and says...."OMG your house is a mess..." If you don't put any weight on the "data" that comes from your thoughts and memories....if you are somehow transcendent to it, it doesn't affect you. Your moms negative comments don't make you suffer. They don't start a stream of conflict in your mind. Then imagine you are alone... you are sitting there and something triggers some self hating thoughts..."OMG I hate my life....I'm such a worthless person...." A mystic would experience no ill effects from these thoughts. They would not give them any authority or weight or reality. They are there, then they are gone. They are not important and have no effect. But yea, to the average person, thoughts have total effects and realty. They are what we depend on to give us an experience of the world. The mysterious 6th input of data is what we depend on, what we defend, what we consider ourselves.

I think I meandered off my original idea... about how thought is not conscious but the point is we are consciousness and experience all of this input...and ultimately, though it is not often exercised or realized, we can determine what input we let our attention attach to. What input we let become a part of our experience. Really, any negative thinking, like "I'm selfish...." etc only has the reality we give them. Yes you can observe yourself in hindsight doing things you feel you should not do, being mean etc, but such self-realization is a good thing. It is a raising of self awareness. Learning from mistakes. But thoughts have no consciousness. They are put in front of consciousness, like images on a movie screen, and if we are awake, we can choose to pay attention to them or not. If we are not awake, they become what we experience.

[WabiSabi]

I enjoyed your post. You have the whole front end... musings about the experience of the conceptual and divided self... the ego and thought...then the end part... eat healthy, drink plenty of water, exercise...continue your observation... it's like the wisdom of a master, a sage...very zen. :smile:

One idea I had recently that I find interesting is the notion of things like thoughts and ideas etc not being conscious. Consciousness is the experience of being the one, the thing there that is observing, the thing that things happen to. It's like being a camera with 5 inputs for data. Sight, sound, touch, smell, taste...but then there's another input, the mysterious number 6. This is like a data chip in the camera that feeds a running commentary on the other 5 inputs...and on itself....! So, you as a camera, being in this world experiencing are constantly being fed data from your 5 senses and being fed data from the mysterious 6th input, thought. Thought is also a trip because it is formulated from it's own sources. It acts as a self referencing enclosed loop. It has memories, which it accesses and knowledge it accesses, stored information and data about everything "out there" it knows and experiences. So say your mother walks into the room and says, "OMG your house is a mess as usual," what happens? Well you have the data input from your 5 senses.... you see your mother, smell her perfume, hear her voice...but then the mysterious input source of data...your thoughts is experienced as well! Your thoughts access memory, all the stored "data" you have on your mother...like... she said this yesterday! OMG shes mean.... always criticizing me....," and this links up to memories and stored thoughts you have about yourself .. "well she is right..... I am a mess...why can't I clean my house? I'm disgusting........." One of the most interesting things about this 6th data input to experience is it is in itself a creator of data.

Thought is not a passive source of input/output. Like say you meet a person named Jous for the first time and they compliment you. You think, wow Jous is a nice person. It's not just the data from the 5 senses that is stored in memory. The thoughts you have about the experience are also stored and become "reality" as well. The next time you meet Jous you have the memory of the first experience AND the memory of what you THOUGHT about that experience. Every thought you have is stored in memory as data just as is data from the 5 senses.

So here you are in this present moment. You have data coming in from the 5 senses. Then also, you have data coming in from the 6th data input... what you are thinking about....! This, imho, is what mystics are talking about. Separating consciousness from identifying with this other input. Like say you are a mystic, zen master... your mom walks in and says...."OMG your house is a mess..." If you don't put any weight on the "data" that comes from your thoughts and memories....if you are somehow transcendent to it, it doesn't affect you. Your moms negative comments don't make you suffer. They don't start a stream of conflict in your mind. Then imagine you are alone... you are sitting there and something triggers some self hating thoughts..."OMG I hate my life....I'm such a worthless person...." A mystic would experience no ill effects from these thoughts. They would not give them any authority or weight or reality. They are there, then they are gone. They are not important and have no effect. But yea, to the average person, thoughts have total effects and realty. They are what we depend on to give us an experience of the world. The mysterious 6th input of data is what we depend on, what we defend, what we consider ourselves.

I think I meandered off my original idea... about how thought is not conscious but the point is we are consciousness and experience all of this input...and ultimately, though it is not often exercised or realized, we can determine what input we let our attention attach to. What input we let become a part of our experience. Really, any negative thinking, like "I'm selfish...." etc only has the reality we give them. Yes you can observe yourself in hindsight doing things you feel you should not do, being mean etc, but such self-realization is a good thing. It is a raising of self awareness. Learning from mistakes. But thoughts have no consciousness. They are put in front of consciousness, like images on a movie screen, and if we are awake, we can choose to pay attention to them or not. If we are not awake, they become what we experience.

That is a great way of stating it, and I think you are very correct. Let me add some more info to that on the topic of the Ego.

The Ego, through being taught and through observation, has learned the best ways to interact with the world. Different situations call for different behaviors. Sometimes selfishness is best, and other times selflessness is best; all in order to increase net gain. I bet most people find themselves being selfish in subtle ways, but being selfless in front of others, coworkers and friends and whatnot. This combination works best in order to maximize self-pleasure. You can gain material wealth through being selfish, but by being selfless you can gain beneficial relationships and trust.

Now think about what the stereotypical image of true success is. A rich man, handsome, strong and confident, smart, capable, and also extremely kind and caring towards others. This is a success of the Ego, mastery of the Ego. And this also happens to be the image often portrayed by successful psychopaths.

Psychopaths are people who realize very early on the flexible nature of the Ego. That they can control their own emotions, and often master such control to the point where they seem to be perfect humans. The downside to this is that because they have such strong control, they often cannot empathize with others unless they consciously decide to do so. The issue arises when they realize this ability, and master it, before they are able to reach any sort of spiritual maturity (and so realize the interconnected nature of reality and how they are not separate from other people, animals, etc.). Because they have this control of the Ego without the spiritual maturity, they will ruthlessly manipulate others in order to gain pleasure.

Sex, power, money, whatever their vice, they are capable of gaining it skillfully, often at the expense of others. And they simply do not care what happens to others, because they can control their emotions so well. If they feel guilt, they can stop the emotion in its tracks. Such mastery of the Ego is best attained after a certain level of spiritual maturity has been reached, as one understands that they are not separate from the reality around them, and also have perfect control of their thoughts and emotions and desires in order to more clearly understand the reality around them.

Siddhartha and Jesus were such men.

[Jatd]

Holy ****.

Wow. I was literally just sitting here thinking this earlier today about myself.

Sometimes i think thoughts, terrible thoughts and I wonder what in gods name is wrong with me , that THAT is NOT me.. but it was me...

SO YES! I feel exactly this! Quite often!

This is the light/dark.

I can't decide if its a blessing or a curse that I can see the different and recognize it.

[WabiSabi]

Holy ****.

Wow. I was literally just sitting here thinking this earlier today about myself.

Sometimes i think thoughts, terrible thoughts and I wonder what in gods name is wrong with me , that THAT is NOT me.. but it was me...

SO YES! I feel exactly this! Quite often!

This is the light/dark.

I can't decide if its a blessing or a curse that I can see the different and recognize it.

There is no such thing as sin, only the Ego doing what it does best. In the past, the Ego was a protective mechanism that allowed us to survive in hostile conditions. Pleasure lead us to having sex to procreate and keep the species alive, and lead us to eating food so that we could survive as individuals. Avoidance of pain or unpleasant sensations was the opposite of pleasure but performed the same task. Pleasure and pain was the body's way of baiting the Ego into keeping us performing actions that would keep us alive.

But now that we live in a world where we don't constantly fear death, the Ego has been allowed to run rampant and take control of our lives. It seeks pleasure and avoids pain, and is constantly looking for threats that no longer exist, which leads to anxiety and health problems. I would consider it a blessing that you have been able to observe your Ego as separate from you, as that means that you are on a path where you may gain true control over your Ego. Train to be able to use it as the tool it was always meant to be.

[A human Being]

Hence why I stated at the outset, I am whatever you want me to be due to your own impressions and assumptions of me.

Do you know why I don't care anymore? because after 50 years I have become totally desensitised to criticism. Why do you think the term 'haters gonna hate' exists? there's a reason for it.

However, if you feel that way, you feel that way whether it is true or not, you'll still feel that way regardless.

And please allow bluntness in return, but you are only proving my initial response to you with these following allegations are you not?

Now, if you'll all excuse me, I must retire for the evening.
Honestly, I think you're in denial about how much the judgments of others affect you, and the desensitisation you mentioned was a coping mechanism you developed when the pain of critical judgments became too much to bear.

But I don't want to labour the point any more, and maybe I do have it all wrong - only you can know for sure. I do just want to come back to what you said initially though, about wishing you could lose sight of who you are - when I asked you who you were, I was just interested in your perception of yourself, because of course we all have ideas about ourselves that aren't accurate, and that can cause us untold suffering.

[Shivani Devi]

http://www.swamij.com/images/koan-arm-2.jpg

[Shivani Devi]

When all is said and done, I think you missed the part where I said that I am profoundly autistic. I just don't think, feel, believe, react etc the same way that normal (neurotypical) people do because my brain is wired differently.

Therefore any opinions or assumptions about me relating to any 'normal human experiences' do not apply.

When I was made, they broke the mould and all rules were thrown out the window.

You may think 'this or that' of me, but you'd still be basing it upon neurotypical human experience which your user-name would imply.

People love to think they are 'right' about something...'correct until proven incorrect' when all you are doing is projecting your own emotions on to me and all I can do is keep on bouncing them all back at you because they just don't stick...we could keep up this silly game for days and it will get us nowhere, so I'm over it now.

[naturesflow]

When all is said and done, I think you missed the part where I said that I am profoundly autistic. I just don't think, feel, believe, react etc the same way that normal (neurotypical) people do because my brain is wired differently.

Therefore any opinions or assumptions about me relating to any 'normal human experiences' do not apply.

When I was made, they broke the mould and all rules were thrown out the window.

You may think 'this or that' of me, but you'd still be basing it upon neurotypical human experience which your user-name would imply.

People love to think they are 'right' about something...'correct until proven incorrect' when all you are doing is projecting your own emotions on to me and all I can do is keep on bouncing them all back at you because they just don't stick...we could keep up this silly game for days and it will get us nowhere, so I'm over it now.

I understand, I have worked with autistic children and have family members who deal with this.

I learned and continue to learn many lessons through the views of autism and how they see and experience their world, it was a gift for me to wake me up more so to my own minds limited views about reality..

[naturesflow]

I remember in my awakening, I was in a very strange place in myself, foreign to my normal view. I was on a train and feeling very disconnected from the world, every single person around me was like a heightened crazy array of colours, sounds, confusing me, sending me into chaos. I sat alone in a corner just to dull it all down, hush everything into oblivion. Well I thought I was alone. A young man sat opposite me and he just stared at me for a long time, then he started talking to me. His colours and sounds crystal and clear, his words were like music to my ears, there was no chaos in him.. I sat there and listened to him saying all these random things, that made sense. I noticed that I was the only one aware and listening. He gave me some valuable insight into my space in that moment, that no one truly understood. I took it all in fully and felt like for the first time in months someone really understood. The chaos around me subsided and he kept looking at me, with knowing and sharing that he knew exactly what he needed to say. I just smiled and let him know I was aware and listening and feeling everything of him as my truth for that train ride home.

[RyanWind]

I've studied a lot of metaphysics from many sources and this seems like the basics of what is going on.

We are a soul that joins with the physical body near the time of birth. The body forms a self using the brain which includes it's own memory and all of that. Tied into that is emotions. The soul also has memories and the soul is linked up to the "source" which in itself is the source of higher ethics and qualities like unconditional love, compassion, empathy etc. So we have a dual nature, body and soul. Now these two selves can be very harmonious and get a long perfectly or they can not join well and this can create problems with the personality. Here are some factors that have a huge impact on who we are:

#1. How highly evolved or spiritually advanced the soul is.
#2. How much of the soul is brought into the human incarnation.

This is actually a big deal. Think of souls as existing as 100%. Souls have the ability to be in several places at the same time. So souls can choose, with help of elders/spirit guides etc, how much energy they want to put into the incarnation. They say 100% is impossible, because the human body could not handle this much soul energy and also this would be pointless because the soul would dominate the body and there would be no growth possible. So say for example, you brought in 10% of soul energy and your friend brought in 80%. You will struggle more with the animal drives of the body and your friend will be able to ignore them. This doesn't mean your friend is more advanced than you... you may be more advanced. It's just for whatever reason, you wanted more of a challenge or were using the majority of your soul elsewhere. This is why you can't really judge others cause you just don't know what their plan for their incarnation was. You could have a new soul that brings 80% of their soul into their incarnation and some very old soul who brings in 5%. The new soul leads an easy carefree life and the old soul struggles with human animal emotions.

#3. The psychological heath of the body and brain. Human bodies and brains have various mental norms based on inherited brain chemistry. One can be born depressed or happy, stable or neurotic. So, an old soul could choose a unhealthy bi-polar brain for the growth potential and challenge and some new soul could choose a brain that is prone to joy and happiness as a norm.

The advancement of the soul feeds into these differences as well. A soul could have gone beyond things like jealousy and selfishness and another soul could be attached to these energies. So this is a difference as well.

#4, Experiences, birth family, conditioning... karma. Here are more factors that affect who we are. Some children are abused in 1000's of different possible ways and other children are loved and nourished perfectly. Some children are born into environments that are very violent, wars etc and other children are born in places full of peace without conflict. This is also related to the experiences a soul seeks and the challenges of the incarnation. Related to what the soul wants to experience for personal growth and karmic learning and lessons. This is another reason why judging who is advanced and who is not is kind of pointless. Some person could be a rich pop star worth 500 million dollars and be a new soul who chose a easy carefree life to "get their feet wet" and some old soul could have put in 5% of the soul energy, designed a hard life with abusive parents and an ugly body and be homeless living under a freeway.

So who we are is based on a lot of things, but no matter what we are, we will not be forever. We leave the body, our soul energy is reunited, and we re-join those who love us and who we love. We then reflect on the life we just lived and see the purpose of it all.

[sky]

When all is said and done, I think you missed the part where I said that I am profoundly autistic. I just don't think, feel, believe, react etc the same way that normal (neurotypical) people do because my brain is wired differently.

Therefore any opinions or assumptions about me relating to any 'normal human experiences' do not apply.

When I was made, they broke the mould and all rules were thrown oukt the window.

You may think 'this or that' of me, but you'd still be basing it upon neurotypical human experience which your user-name would imply.

People love to think they are 'right' about something...'correct until proven incorrect' when all you are doing is projecting your own emotions on to me and all I can do is keep on bouncing them all back at you because they just don't stick...we could keep up this silly game for days and it will get us nowhere, so I'm over it now.



When God made you he did break the mould, your DNA is unique, your thumprint distinct, you were born original don't die a copy.:smile:

[lancing]

The downside? Sometimes very uncaring, sometimes very cruel, sometimes too calculative, too manipulative and too negative.

So how do I decide who I am? I feel like someone with bipolar personality that can alternate occasionally and this messes up everything in my life, if it hasn't already.

Anyone else ever feel like this?

Well, it's official...you are a human being! It's a little funny because we all feel this way sometimes. Actually, quite often.

I don't know you, but there's nothing wrong with you! The fact that anything negative about yourself bothers you, the fact that you can admit that those things feel "wrong" or "bad" means that YOU-ARE-FINE! You notice things because they are foreign to who you truly are, and who you are is intrinsically kind, generous, a caregiver, love, and more.

You have simply been abused by others and yourself. You are internally berating 'you' the way that others are externally berating 'you.' Simply doing what you have been taught. Being taught does not mean you sit down and listen to a lesson...it's in everything that we do, everything that happens to us, etc. Someone has taught you that you are not worthy of your own "goodness" and that my friend is not true.

Any negativity, any manipulation, any of that stuff is just your need for control. Your need to assert yourself and be in control and stick up for yourself. It is just a negative manifestation of your loss of control, darling, it is not WHO-YOU-ARE! It is your ego's way, because you have not learned anything different! From those around you, from things that have happened to you, you have learned that manipulation and calculation is the way to get what you want...the way to be in control. And when it works, it feels good because you've regained your control. You feel like you're on top. I know how it is!

Negativity makes you feel better because it soothes the ego and draws attention away from the sadness that you feel. Uncaring and cruelness occurs because no one has shown you the same level of love and respect that you've shown them, that you feel you deserve. These things are not you! They are all negative manifestations.

I like to believe that we are all inherently good, but the world can make us cruel. We take up arms within ourselves and create guards because we're afraid, and see that other people are attacking, so we believe we must protect ourselves...protect our souls. But, so many of us do that in unhealthy ways. The only thing wrong with it is that it's detrimental to the goodness that we all possess. If you lay down your arms and set up strong boundaries within your life and self and get rid of the negative (people and your own negativity included) that's surrounding you and causing your ego to go on alert, then maybe you will stop believing that you are two halves. Besides, you are a combination of things, many, many things, as a matter of fact, you are all things not just some things. Ain't nothing wrong with that!

You don't have to decide who you are...you are who you are. You have to decide how you react to others (instantly and later on) how your own and other's negativity affect you, and what you will allow from yourself and others. They're all conscious decisions...hard, because they are conscious!

You give because you expect something in return? We all do that! However, if you want the cosmic reward, give because you want to and you will receive rewards. If you don't want to, then don't! Trust me, the world will not implode! I have lived my life feeling that everything that I do should come from a place of purity! Pure love, pure admiration, pure kindness, pure curiosity, pure acceptance, etc. When you come from a place of purity or authenticity you will receive all that you seek. Just know that it's not going to be some grandiose cosmic reward all of the time. Be patient my friend, don't expect, just do from that place that does not think like human do, and you will be even better. Rewards do not have to be material.

Not all people embrace and display their kindness, and you can't expect them to if they don't and you can't force them to. You also can't be unkind to them. Love and kindness...they are abundant, and we have to lead with those things.

Honestly, all you have to do my friend is reestablish the guardians within you. Setup healthy boundaries that are coming from a place of purity, love and kindness towards yourself and others. Understand that you can be a bit cold and calculating, but that those things are blocking your goodness, that they are coming from a place of abuse from you to you! You don't have to be good all of the time. Balance is good, but know that there is a "healthy good" and a "healthy bad." Being a pushover is an "unhealthy good" it's disrespectful to yourself, and it doesn't mean that you are good, it means that you are not assertive.

The fact that you are here shows that you know that you're not functioning at your full potential...that you know better. If you need some help understanding what is an isn't healthy for you, then go get that help. You can get better because you are better. You're fine! Seriously you are! You're the creator of all things in you, and you can be the creator of balance within you. No being cruel to others to get you there, because that will just hurt you. Cruelness is not necessary (not who you are anyway). With gentleness and care, turn your back on the things that cause negative emotions and thoughts within you. Create a new part of you (because we are infinitely creating). Create a warrior of peace for yourself, a warrior of yourself. Allow that warrior to fight your ego.

It will be frustrating sometimes, and you will want to give up and say that you're just too this or that, but remember that you are a warrior! You are better than your own negativity, manipulation, cruelness, unkind nature, and any other foreign negative thing. Believe those things! Fight those things!

You're good!

Blessings, my friend!

Love! :hug2:

[A human Being]

When all is said and done, I think you missed the part where I said that I am profoundly autistic. I just don't think, feel, believe, react etc the same way that normal (neurotypical) people do because my brain is wired differently.

Therefore any opinions or assumptions about me relating to any 'normal human experiences' do not apply.

When I was made, they broke the mould and all rules were thrown out the window.

You may think 'this or that' of me, but you'd still be basing it upon neurotypical human experience which your user-name would imply.

People love to think they are 'right' about something...'correct until proven incorrect' when all you are doing is projecting your own emotions on to me and all I can do is keep on bouncing them all back at you because they just don't stick...we could keep up this silly game for days and it will get us nowhere, so I'm over it now.
Ok, I did hear you say you were autistic, but in fairness I don't know much about the condition. I'm sorry if I caused offence, it wasn't my intention.

[Curious-one]

I too lost my original me. I woke up one day and discovered I was different, I loved all, regardless of there bad side. I accepted this other person and I feel fantastic. God's love overtakes the bad world, and we become a new person In Christ, it is written. Curious-One

[Jatd]

I too lost my original me. I woke up one day and discovered I was different, I loved all, regardless of there bad side. I accepted this other person and I feel fantastic. God's love overtakes the bad world, and we become a new person In Christ, it is written. Curious-One

YES!!!! This is so true! I find myself always feeling badly for the bad guy and I wonder whats wrong with me, or others wonder whats wrong with me and I begin to wonder if maybe I'm evil?

But I know that people hurt others because they are hurt, so my compassion comes from understanding.

I love all, I may not understand all, but I do care for all.